What should I do?
Hello to everyone who reads this. I always feel awkward writing these things, but I really don't know what else to do now. I guess I just need to find some sort of support, because nothing seems to be working for me at this point. Bear with me, because I tend to write a lot... Hopefully it won't be too boring for everyone.
First, I'll tell a little bit about myself. I'm a 21 year old mother of three girls, one of whom is severely disabled.
At one point in time, I was relatively healthy, though I've always been on the bigger side. I think I weighed 153lbs in high school, but when I made the mistake of getting married at 16, that completely changed. I went from being 153lbs to about 260lbs. Then I got pregnant and gained another 20lbs. After I had my first daughter, I somehow managed to lose 76 lbs, and felt absolutely great.
However, my ex-husband was verbally and physically abusive and didn't support me at all. I was constantly being referred to as "the fat wh*re," the "fat b*tch," "whale," "cow" and pretty much anything you can think of. Needless to say, living with that for several years destroyed my self esteem, caused me to become depressed, as well as caused me to get up to over 300lbs. After I left my husband, I started losing weight, but I still didn't feel good about myself. I met my current boyfriend and had two more kids, which brought on even more weight. Right now, I weigh about 290lbs.
It's hard for me to get motivated now. Most days, I barely have the energy to get out of bed, let alone do much more than that. I've tried dieting, but I always seem to fail. My boyfriend is supportive, but not in the way that I need. He's a bigger guy, but doesn't do the whole "diet" thing. His solution is simply cut back portions, whether it's candy, fried foods, whatever, and it will work. But it doesn't seem to work for me, and never has.
Lately, I've become depressed again and sometimes just don't see any point in trying because I feel like it'll never get noticed. I go to bed every night hating myself because of how disgusting I am. I hate looking in the mirror because the person I see is not myself.
Anyway, I hope everyone hasn't fallen asleep by this point. Thanks for reading.
-Brenna
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