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Old 07-06-2011, 04:21 AM   #1  
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Hi—

I am pretty new to message boards so if I’m doing anything wrong—please feel free to point that out to me. =)

I’ve been reading around on this board for awhile and I think it’s a really neat idea. Good for all of you here! =)

Is anyone willing to discuss some emotional aspects of dealing with weight loss? I think I would find it helpful to hear stories from other folks about coping psychologically with losing weight—and perhaps get some advise on dealing with my own issues.

Here is what I am working on getting past. I am 27 and for the last several years I have realized that I’m perhaps emotionally and psychologically stunted in coping with my physical appearance...nothing special...just not sure how to go about moving forward. I don’t mean to whine—but I don’t really have anyone to relate this to.

From early childhood into my early 20s—I’ve always been any where from 40-100 lbs overweight. Though I was never teased or made to feel bad about it—I was always hyper sensitive to how others were treated for being even less overweight than me. I’d think—wow—that hurts me too because I am bigger than them. I was a very outspoken and outgoing kid—with many friends (most of whom remain friends to this day). I could always keep up physically because I was born athletic—a huge tomboy—and got along with just about every one.

While all my childhood girlfriends started developing into extremely attractive young women—I was appalled and confused at how they were often treated. Boys were often crude to them and girls were extremely cruel. I knew that none of my friends were just “some hot girl”—they were caring, intelligent, and funny individuals who seemed to be paying socially simply for being drop dead gorgeous (they really were/are). I was never treated this way—boys and girls alike virtually always accepted me—treated me genuinely—and all that good stuff. I was never “a threat’—just the chunky girl with a sense of humor…one of the girls and also one of the guys.

I spent my ‘inner time’ learning to accept myself as heavy because I had no choice—and honestly—it wasn’t hard to do since everyone else always accepted me too. As I began to learn how to cope with my mental and emotional issues—I discovered that a healthier diet and regular exercise did wonders for these states. I did not start weight watchers and working out to lose weight—I wanted to be healthy on the inside—was sick of trying meds that only made me feel worse—and weight loss was an added bonus to learning how to take care of myself physically.

I lost over 80lbs—slowly—over a 3 year period. My girlfriends would say (at first before they learned better) that now I could wear this…or that…Now I could ‘be a girly girl’ haha—in my appearance. I know they meant no harm.

I am a hippie, man…hippie heart…hippie soul…hippie parents…hippie hair—clothes—yeah. =) I still have no desire to “look nice” the way others see it. I like how I look…I am pretty because I feel pretty.

Something a very close friend said some time ago really, really hit me hard and got me to thinking. We were looking at childhood pictures…laughing and sharing memories…and one not so flattering one of me at close to my heaviest—she says—“God, don’t you just hate those pictures when we’re at our biggest?? I hate looking at those…” I thought…and then said…”No…I don’t…that’s me…that’s 14 year old me…I love her…I love ‘little’ me…look at her pink hair…her NIN tshirt…that’s…me. I had so much fun...I had a blast, man.” Of the extra weight it suddenly struck me...that there...isn't me anymore...Strange that I hadn't processed it before....but I hadn't, really.

I’m a grown woman now and I don’t feel like it. I recognize those “mean girl” vibes from other women when I have to wear make up—do my hair—and dress in ‘real clothes’ for certain occasions…those are the vibes my girlfriends always got....too wierd...and hurtful somehow. I recently became aware that men consider me attractive and this absolutely terrifies me…I don’t know how to handle it because I’ve never had to. I’ve been with the same man since I was 14 years old and have no experience in even thinking along these lines. It's normal for men to show that they are attracted to women...it is normal for women to recognize it and know how to handle it...I literally begin to shake if I can't casually 'bro talk' my way out of it.

I dress shabbily—barely brush my hair if I don’t have to—and carry myself extremely modestly as I always have. I’m a major prude (my male friends since childhood say I have ‘delicate senses’ which is a nice way of letting others know I’m a prude and to watch their language around me…so no lewd crap haha). I am happy with my inside…I like me. =)

But…I don’t know how to feel about my outside. This isn’t “me”…I don’t know how to be thinner…this isn’t my body…how I identify with it, I mean…when will it be? I never ever thought it would be difficult to transition emotionally from overweight to normal weight. I was so wrapped up in feeling good and healthy for the fist time ever…that I never considered anything else. I feel guilty for complaining about this…but it bothers me.

Has anyone else learned to work past stuff like this? Sorry so wordy...Thanks...
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Old 07-06-2011, 06:23 AM   #2  
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Welcome to 3FC =)

You'll find you're not alone. There are plenty of people who, after losing weight, discover that they see things in a different way. Or that they have to readjust to being this "new" person on the outside, when they're the same person on the inside.

Since you don't mention wanting to lose more weight, there's a maintenance area with many topics of discussion you might find pertinent. Not to mention sections about body issues after weight loss.

And, of course, there are all the other support areas around the boards. Some based on age, or weight to lose, others are just based on general interest or lifestyle.

There are a lot of places. All open to anyone who wishes to join. Look around. Post. Participate.

Hope to see you around the boards!
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Old 07-06-2011, 09:04 AM   #3  
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Farfished76, I've never even thought about it from that side of things. I just assume that when I reach my goal I'll be happier and 'normal'.

The male attraction thing freaks me out. I was with a boyfriend from the age of 15-21 and then we broke up. I was at my heaviest when we broke up and after 2 years and losing maybe 40lbs I started getting male attention. In my head, I'm still 2 dress sizes bigger and I don't know how to react.
I have a new boyfriend now, and I still don't really know how to act when he casually treats me like a girl rather than the lump that I'm used to being. Being in a relationship with someone who didn't know me bigger is helping me to adjust to my image. He'll look at pics of me from as little as 6-8 months ago and say it's not the girl he's with now.
This isn't really advice, but I guess maybe if you know you're not completely alone, you'll feel less uncomfortable?

You lost 80lbs over 3 years which is a fabulous achievement. I would have thought that it's the girls who lose 50lbs in a year who are the ones who struggle to adjust. Did you lose weight for health reasons?

Be yourself though, don't take society's crap and continue to be your hippy self.
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Old 07-06-2011, 12:51 PM   #4  
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Thanks so much the wonderful replies...=)

I've known for the last couple of years that I have another 15-20 lbs or so to go (I think)...I've never exprienced having all the excess weight off my body. I am not sure exactly how much more I need to lose pound-wise, as I have some skin issues here and there and I am told this can be misleading.

I think I'm honestly scared to try to lose the last of it...I'm not entirely sure why...many reasons, I guess. I still work out a lot but I eat yummy not so healthy foods (ok nt at all healthy foods) often enough that my weight stays between 138-142.

My family and friends and my boyfriend have been very supportive and have always been beyond good to me. I think they sensed I didn't like to talk about my weight loss much so it hasn't been a major issue since.

Besides 2--none of them have ever had weight issues so I'd like to have others to talk with it about sometmes. I talk to a very close childhood friend about weight/body image fears and stuff because he's always been made aware of the fact that he's "far too skinny" (though I think he's perfect and tell him so). People seem to know it's not ok to go "Oh my you're fat!" but they are quick to say "Oh my, yo're TOO skinny!" He seems to understand a lot of where I'm coming from.

I lost weight as a consequence of becoming serious about tackling my mental illness issues in a more 'natural' way. I found out that when I ate well--worked out--and slept properly...that all of a sudden my disorders became far more managable. After losing about half--I felt so much different physically--I was encouraged to keep going. I'd find myself leaping over puddles and bouncing around and running just to run. I thought--oh my goodness--is this how ppl feel when their not so overweight?? Is this how you ppl feel?? I'd never know the difference and it was powerful.

Congrats on your weight loss BetterlikeMel--I think I understand some of what you are saying. I'm not sure when...or how...exactly our mental images of ourselves begin to change. Do you ever feel social pressure to be 'more femenine' simply because you're losing weight? (As if this means we can't be when we're not)...

I'm in a rebellious stage inside that's like...if I openly go toward specifically appreciating 'the thinner me' so much that I want to keep getting thinner just to see how I am when it's all finally off...that I am somehow saying/admitting that maybe...I really didn't like/love the heavier me. I feel like I am betraying her...telling her she wasn't good enough...is that dumb? Do you ever feel this way?

Thanks again to you both. =)
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Old 07-06-2011, 02:33 PM   #5  
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Hello and welcome!

I've a feeling that you may find reading good feminist books on this sort of thing to be helpful. Unfortunately, I somehow seem to have missed reading that particular subgenre, though I can happily witter on about the Traffic in Women and the Male Gaze (which people invariable mishear as the Male Gays) and other aspects of feminist theory. A friend of mine recommended The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf, which sounds like the right sort of thing. Also you're making me want to reread Angela Carter's The Sadeian Woman now.

Something I found very liberating, apart from reading feminist theory, was in reclaiming my own power to look at people. Society constructs men as the ones doing the looking and women as the ones being looked at, which is hugely about power. I was slim growing up, and in London women get ogled and sexually harrassed a huge amount on public transport. It probably didn't help that I was growing up bisexual, guiltily trying not to look at the other girls at school, and between those two things I honestly didn't feel that I had the right to look at other people for pleasure for many years. Learning to look at people appreciatively, in a consensual context of course rather than unwanted, aggressive looking, has been immensely freeing for me. It's put me back into that position of power, and that changes how I feel about being looked at in turn.

And then of course it all changed once I became disabled and started using mobility aids, but that's another story. Suffice it to say that this is a subject I'm very much interested in.
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Old 07-07-2011, 02:28 AM   #6  
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Ooo books!! Thank you both so much for the recommended reading! I am writing the titles down right now and I’ll look for them on my next trip to library. I’m reading the long awaited last of the Earth’s Children books…and…frankly—anything has got to be better than this—haha.

thanks thanks
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Old 07-07-2011, 05:30 AM   #7  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by farfished76 View Post
Congrats on your weight loss BetterlikeMel--I think I understand some of what you are saying. I'm not sure when...or how...exactly our mental images of ourselves begin to change. Do you ever feel social pressure to be 'more femenine' simply because you're losing weight? (As if this means we can't be when we're not)...
That's a really interesting one. I don't know to be honest.
I feel like I finally CAN be more feminine, more than that society is pressuring me. I never liked dressing up - I went to a wedding in a dress a few weeks back and couldn't wait to get home and back into my (3 sizes too large) PJ bottoms. I've never worn heels and I doubt I ever will.
However, I now walk past shops and think... hmm, I could possible wear that now....
I've always had a really nonchalant attitude towards my hair and make up... I'll happily leave the house looking like crap and I wear make up once or twice a week (generally at the weekend, which I guess is the opposite of most girls).

My friends are boys, and they're more coiffed than I am. I do think that my wardrobe will start to become more flattering when I reach my goal, but I really doubt it'll become more feminine.
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