|
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Dubai
Posts: 47
S/C/G: See sig for ticker and blog
Height: 5' 2"
|
Hi *waves*
Thanks to Amanda (mandalinn82) I can post! YAY!
Here is my extremely wordy life history with weight-issues.
I've struggled with my weight for almost 15 years, I'm 22- that's more than half my life!!
When I was 13 I went on my first diet of sorts- I lost 22 pounds (which at that time put me at 132 lbs). And that was the last time I have weighed something akin to reasonable. Although I have never officially been diagnosed, I suffer from depression. This is triggered in a bad way when I visit my parents, but I love them and I can't avoid that trigger. Unfortunately it is the fact that they worry about my health and keep nagging me about my weight and the epic battles that result that make me think about cutting. But I know that I am stronger than my urge to hurt myself, if I wasn't I wouldn't be here.
I know how important family support is, and I know that the fact that I am sitting here complaining about that very fact is total BS, but in my defense, I am extremely self-conscious. I hate making a big deal about things, and if I ever make a move to improve my health distant relatives I have never met know about it- and it makes me extremely uncomfortable and I quit. This happens more often than I would like- because the only person who suffers is me. I like that they're willing to do anything to get me to improve my health, it is incredible to have such support from my family, but sometimes their over-enthusiasm kills my enthusiasm.
In the last five years alone, I have gained 55 lbs. Talk about the Freshman 15 again, please, I beg of you! :P
In these five years, I have often had the urge to make a change in my lifestyle, but I haven't been able to do it because of the above mentioned reason. I have been to gyms, I have worked out for months and seen no results. And I find the gym incredibly boring, even when doing group fitness classes. I don't eat a lot- I usually have low-fat yogurt for breakfast, a proper lunch, and a snack like soup or sandwich or salad for dinner. I don't eat regularly though- I feel like this might be because I don't use the energy so my body doesn't require the fuel. I am not anorexic- I just don't require 3 whole meals a day- because I don't have the need for it. Living in the dorms, I can't be an emotional eater because I don't keep food in my room- at least not stuff I crave when I am depressed. I stopped drinking pop almost a year ago and my craving for chocolate has gone down in the last 10 months, although when I am at home (my parent's place, like right now) I crave it incessantly. But I am fairly good at controlling this urge. I rarely drink. I rarely eat out, that being said, I live in the ResHalls so I don't know what they're putting in my food anyways- but I tend to stick to sandwiches and salads just because all the grease really puts me off.
At home my parents have always cooked low-oil and low-salt, in fact, I probably eat less salt than they do. I was raised in a lacto-ovo-vegetarian household, but my parents sent us to the neighbors house to learn to eat chicken. I am also fond of tuna but haven't eaten it in ages. I have never really been able to get into seafood or red-meats, but I do occasionally eat sushi and pork egg rolls, and occasionally means like once in a couple of months or so.
I recently joined a gym (but can't afford a personal trainer) and I went for an hour a day till yesterday. Yesterday I had a major migraine and my mum started nagging me about going to the gym. I could barely open my eyes without wishing I was dead (not literally, figuratively- I feel like I need to point this out everytime I admit to being depressed- I have been suicidal in the past, but I haven't in a long time). Her nagging set off my "back away trigger" which happened earlier this month with her telling my grandmother that I was joining a gym. My grandmother is the biggest nagger of all time. The first thing she asks me whenever I get to talk to her is 'how much weight have you lost'.
For my family my weight has always been an issue because I don't "look good when [I'm] fat, [I'd] look so pretty if [I] was thin." This is where my depression stems from, always being told that I'm not good enough because of my looks. Which is why my parents always make it a point to add "but we worry about your health", and they do, but it's about appearance too.
And yes, I know it is partly about appearance. I know that my confidence gets a huge boost when I lose weight. But more than that I know I feel better when I lose weight- I'm not breathless when I walk up 7 story buildings, I can run, I can walk fast. But I also know I'm never going to have a 'skinny model-like' physique my aunts' think people should have or else they're cretin and deserve to be treated as such.
But to be honest, I feel like I'm out of my depths. Like I don't know how to lose the weight. I don't have friends who can do it with me. Or friends who can motivate me enough because I have only two friends, both of whom are skinny as twigs. One at 110lbs and the other at 130-ish, but she's taller and more muscley too. It's gotten to the point where my parents who were so against surgical procedures are trying to get me to go for those when I can afford it.
Sorry for the long winded intro. I think I need to learn to be concise.
But I'm really glad I found this place. I think this will be good for me. I need to start getting off my *** and out into the real world.
P.S. In January, after the longest time, I began to feel happy, genuinely, honest to God Happy. Visiting my parents has triggered my depression, but my happiness is overpowering it at the moment.
|
