[nosilla]

Hey everyone,

I'm Alli. I'm 22 years old. A year and a half ago, when I was taking medication from my doctor at college for ADD I had ZERO appetite and was at an all-time low of 138. (Seriously, sometimes I forgot to eat. I was never hungry. Don't you want to slap that me? Because I do.) Since then I've graduated college (a year early), moved back home, broken up with a boyfriend and opened a 7-11 store with my brother. I've also become 180 pounds.

7-11 is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Over the past summer, when the store had just opened, I was spending 80 hours a week at work. This meant that I was eating 100% of my meals there, and obviously they were never good choices. That's not to say that there aren't healthy options there, but I sure as **** wasn't making them. I think I was telling myself, "Oh Alli, you're working so hard and such ridiculous hours! Just eat whatever you can think of. Whatever's easiest. Whatever makes you happy." Because personally, I really wasn't happy then. I broke up with my boyfriend of two years (but honestly, good riddance to him!), I had just finished college, just returned from an AMAZING experience studying abroad in Australia, was abruptly forced to stop taking my ADD medication not because of a doctor's decision but really because I had moved out of Massachusetts, where I went to college, back to NY and didn't have a doctor/time to find one to get a prescription, and I was stuck working in a store that I had given up my entire senior year of college fun for to be successful but all I could think about was how much I wanted to be back in Australia. Why wouldn't I? I was skinny and basically on vacation there the entire time. But really, I felt like I was in my prime there. 155 pounds and the happiest I can remember.

Since then things have sort of spiraled. I don't have to be at the store as much, maybe like 50 hours a week now, but I don't have a social life because all of my friends are still in their last year of school. I joined the gym, and I've been going 4-5 days a week after work, I even have a spin class, a yoga class and a step class that I "enjoy" attending. I've been doing Freshology, a super expensive all-natural meal delivery service from California, since January. They've got horrible customer service but delicious food if you're considering it. I have breakfast, lunch, dinner and desert (around 1100 calories a day) already prepared for me, and I thought it would be good for my work situation since I can just bring the food with me and not have to worry about making any decisions. But I've been on it since January and I've really only lost about 5 pounds. I'm not stupid, I know why - it's me, of course.

How could I have let this happen? How could I have gotten here? I can't control what I put inside me. I come home from work, have my tiny dinner and desert, and then find myself sitting on the couch next to my father (who is not healthy) envisioning myself when I was little with a big bowl of popcorn and all my siblings watching a movie and having fun. Now it's 7 pm and I want that popcorn. It makes no matter that my siblings are married, in their own houses, or at college still, but I still want the popcorn. And once I start, I can't stop. It's like that with everything. I know I'm trying to comfort myself with food. I know it's not right. I know I'm never actually hungry. To be honest, I think I'm bored. But I'm having the hardest time of my life trying to control it.

I have 7 weeks left on the Freshology plan. That's 7 weeks of 7 days a week meals prepared for me. The point of it was supposed to be that I don't have to think. It's fool-proof, or at least it's supposed to be. Now it's so clearly up to me to prove to myself that I am strong, with or without medication for ADD, and I am strong enough to control myself and get healthy again. I'm terrified.

[mandalinn82]

Hey Alli -

Sometimes, one of the hardest things to do isn't to MAKE a plan, it's to stick with it. You have the food delivered and taken care of (although really, 1100 calories a day is pretty low...so you might consider adding in a healthy snack or two to up your calories), so you just have to make a decision that you're going to stick with it.

That means saying NO to yourself, which yes, can be really hard. But once you get in the habit of doing it, it really does get easier. Maybe making that decision in the morning, that you'll stick on plan just for that day, will help...and then the next day, make that same decision again. And then follow through. At some point, you just have to decide and stick with it.

Of course, it may be that the plan you chose, no matter how convenient, just isn't right for you. I can't do tiny meals. I get a lot of satisfaction from eating a fairly large quantity of food. So my plan had to be about getting me a LOT of food for a smaller amount of calories. I also NEED to have a snack at night (for me, a sweet one) or I feel unsatisfied. So I plan room into my calories for dessert (or for you, a reasonable serving of airpopped popcorn to snack on while watching a movie). You may be the same way...doesn't mean you failed, just that you need a little more experimentation to find out what works for you.

Anyway, that was a novel. Stick around, though - we have tons of forums, including one for those on meal delivery plans, as well as groups by age range (20-somethings). Look around and jump on into posting.

I can't wait to get to know you better!

[patchworkpenguin]

Welcome , Glad to have you join us.