[Hippiechic20]

My names Jessica.

I grew up thinking I was fat. I had a mother who was quite overweight and projected many of those terrible feeling about herself and her low self esteem on me. She was constantly dieting, ended up in the hospital twice for caffeine posing and issues with her kidneys.

My first year of middle school, I weighed around 160 lbs. It was mostly muscle and I remember running, jumping climbing trees (if you get that I'll love you forever) and looking okay. My mother would pinch the fat at my waist and hips, and tell me I would look so much better if I just lost thirty pounds more. She would refuse to buy my clothes until I lost weight. At one point, when I needed new bras, she advised me that my breast weren't getting bigger, I just had a larger amount of back fat.

So in an effort to please her I did. I joined soccer worked out daily took the pills she told me to and I went down to 120. I was (and still am)5'6. I was far below my natural body weight, and I looked like i was on drugs. I had also lost all my muscle and started to experience heart issues. The caffeine in the diet pills exaggerated a heart condition I wasn't aware of.

My biggest issue however, was being skinner then my mother. Around this time I met my friend Lisa. She was a big beautiful girl who made me feel that everyone was fat, and I should be to. So I gained weight. By doing so rebelled against my mother. I felt being skinny didn't please her, may be being fat would hurt her and she would leave me alone.

I tried to stop gaining, but my misunderstanding of my body and how it worked made me yo yo diet. I started binge eating, eating for comfort. I gained and gained until I hit 230. This didn't help my heart condition, nor did it help my mental make up.

I now realize that both of these women loved me, but they were wrong.

After some soul searching, and some personal loss, I've decided its time to become healthy. I need to relearn what I knew as a child regarding being healthy and let go of all the nonsense in my head.

Most of all I need to face the psychological issue behind everything and learn to deal with those feelings in a positive manner because I'm in love. I;m with someone I could marry one day and I want to have kids.

I don;t think i could ever forgive myself if I put my little one through what I've been through.

So any help thoughts, praise or encouragement is much needed and appreciated.

Thanks guys!

[Selca]

You've been through a lot and dealt with negative people. You've come to the right place. We are the opposite of that! You're making the first step to a healthy lifestyle and I think that's wonderful. Being in love with an amazing person is motivation as well. I wish you the best of luck.

[asgosnell18]

Hi Hippiechic20 I am new here as well, in fact I posted just moments before you did, lol. I can kind of relate to your growing up because I have a father who was not much of a Dad in the aspect that he called me fat when I was much smaller and even admitted to me that my sister was his favorite because she is skinny. To this day he still calls me fat. But however true it may be, it does not make it right. I encourage you on your weight loss journey and hope that you meet your goal in both physical and mental areas.

with much luck--asgosnell18

[Hippiechic20]

Thanks guys! I wish you both the best of luck!

[merrie]

I am almost 53yo and I'm still dealing with the things my mother has said over the years about my weight, starting when I was just a chubby child. Weight, mine and everyone else's, is a big issue for her (and thus for me), so even when I wasn't fat I thought I was because of the things she said (if I would only have realized these things when I was 160!). We don't talk about my weight anymore because a few years ago, before I went back home for a visit, I wrote her a letter and told her that her constant comments and her suggestions for dieting and exercise were hurtful and unhelpful. Told her that I felt she wouldn't truly love me till I wasn't fat, and I didn't want to talk about it anymore. I don't share my weight loss successes with her, either, because I don't trust her not to throw them back in my face if I gain back the weight. She has not seen me since I've lost 40 pounds---I know it won't be enough for her anyway---I'm planning to visit in the early summer, so we'll see what happens then.
[I apologize if I got off track here, but it does feel good to vent. Welcome Hippiechic20, and forgive my going on about this. ]
[I just love this carrot!]

[Hippiechic20]

Oh I love it to!
It really is super amazing.

I'm sorry your mother put you through that. This is one reason why I must gain control.