I’m afraid that I’m a little late in making an introduction. I’ve already posted in a few threads, so please forgive me for coming to this community backwards. Please feel free to refer to me as SFG for short. The name I chose is based on the fact that I believe the old saying about every fat person having a thin one on the inside screaming to get out is backwards. I think far more people are thin with a fat one screaming to get out. I’m trying to shut her up and keep her inside, essentially.
I’m 45 years old and am American, but currently reside in an Asian country. I’ve been surrounded by thin people who show little or no restraint in regarding my bulky body as an object of amusement for a good many years. That is part of what has contributed to my problem as it stands today, but I’ve actually been overweight my entire life. I started out as a thin kid, but became “the fat kid” in class around the age of 12 and just got fatter and fatter until my junior year of college. At that point, I pulled my act together, quit eating fats, red meat, sugar, etc. and started exercising 90 minutes a day 5 days a week. In a year and a half, I lost a great deal of weight and kept it off for about 2 more years before some life changes set me down a path to regaining.
This is therefore my second serious attempt to lose weight. I’ve had half-hearted attempts and failed many times, but this time is “for real”. My approach is to attempt to understand the factors that lead me to become a compulsive and binge eater. I think that the psychology of why I’m like this is very important to understand, as is the biology. I think part of what caused me to regain the weight that I lost in college was the fact that I never dealt with the root causes of my problems. I had discipline without insight, and I actually never controlled my eating in a sustainable way. I lost weight before by exercising and trimming the worst foods, but I still ate too much.
I don’t know what my current weight is, and I have no interest in weighing myself at this early stage. I’d guess I’m between 300-350 at this point. For the past 4 months, I’ve been making a transition to help me get on the path to better eating habits and losing weight. I’ve been monitoring my progress by my clothes and observations. I’m avoiding the scale mainly because I believe it’d be a de-motivational tool at this point for me. I don’t think micro-monitoring would really suit my temperament.
By my estimate, I’d guess that I’ve lost about 40 lbs. at this point by portion reduction, gradually introducing calorie counting (starting with one day of counting, then two, then three, now everyday). No foods are off-limits for me, and I’ve overcome all of the “triggers” for the most part at this point. I’m not perfect, but I’m getting better. I've been talking on occasion about my efforts, my past, etc. on a personal blog, screamingfatgirl.blogspot.com.
I have serious back pain, so it’s difficult to exercise much. I’ve been attempting to walk everyday and have gone from being unable to walk 5 minutes without pain to being able to walk about 40 minutes. I still have discomfort, but am getting stronger. Strong exercise is, however, out of the question at this point.
Beyond that, I’ll say that I’m married to an incredibly loving and supportive man and work part-time from home. I worked full-time for about 15 years, but quit due to undiagnosed clinical depression that I have since recovered from.
I’m sorry that I’m not better at this sort of introduction, but I want to say that this community is very impressive in its capacity to show warmth and kindness to each other.
"I had discipline without insight, and I actually never controlled my eating in a sustainable way. I lost weight before by exercising and trimming the worst foods, but I still ate too much."
This is what is going to make the difference this time! Discipline without insight describes many of us so well. Welcome!
I had read your post on the 300+ forum earlier today. That is just horrible how they treat you in Japan. And here I thought they were extremely polite there and was really surprised to learn how rude they are to you. It's taken a great deal of courage for you to have achieved what you have already, especially when this additional difficulty is factored in. Good for you. I mean, it's one thing to go to a gym a feel a little out of place but to have to deal with this stuff just taking a walk outside sounds so difficult....and so unfair, too.
You know...I will always remember, 20-some years ago...when I had reached my goal and felt like I was looking great....and I was looking out the window and sorta had this revelation....that in retrospect, all the individual days when I might have been frustrated had all blended in together with the successful days and that in the end...I'd gotten there. That even frustrating days had turned out to count...as long as I'd stuck with the plan...and that as long as I did this...I was destined to get there...and I had.
Ever since then...I've often reflected back on that....especially when some significant time would pass and I'd think, "look at me...I've gotten nowhere. Years ago I'd reached goal in this amount of time and if I'd stuck with it, I'd be there now. I could kick myself. Learn from this...self!!"
After a few times of this happening, I just decided I'd had it. I was sick and tired of months and years passing and getting nowhere. I remembered how days added up and I'd gotten to my goal. Sure, it was easy to kinda ignore this on a daily basis.....but every time an event would be looming...like a family gather, Thanksgiving, a family wedding......I'd realize how I'd wasted so much time.....and a whole year had rolled around and I'd gotten nowhere and was dreading the upcoming event at the same high weight....yet AGAIN!
It is SO worth it....whatever days you've had to put up with rude people there in order to get your exercise in. I look at myself in the mirror now, halfway to goal......and I see a person who looks normal....not the one who looked grotesque to me a little over 5 months ago......and again, all the difficult days seem inconsequential now. It was the sum/total of all those days rolled into one that resulted in the success......and that's all that matters now. And you will experience the same thing....even though I know it must be so difficult now to have to put up with that behavior. In the end....when you experience success....it's ALL that matters and that all that negative stuff seems inconsequential. So hang in there....you are doing so great and you WILL get there.
Welcome! I find 3FC to be a great and supportive site, we are all fighting the same battle here, glad you are with us!
Congratulations on your hard work and weight loss you've already accomplished!
As for people being so rude, that's exactly what they are: rude! Remember that you are stronger than they will ever be!
Hi SFG...it's me again. I wanted to tell you that I am reading your blog and not only do you write well but you are making so many interesting points and observations that I really want to spend some time thinking about....and then get back to you about.
While reading it (I'm going from most current...backwards), I was reflecting on what you'd written about certain other types of addictions not being an issue for you and I can totally relate to that. There are certain addictions that are very difficult for me to comprehend....but then others I can relate to because they are similar to ones I've had myself. You've written a great deal about the psychological component of over-eating....and I'm trying to think over whether or not we all have the same psychological components/issues or whether they are different for different people (I'm speaking of people with issues of being overweight, not the general population).
I'm having a difficult time figuring out what my psychological issues are related to this topic. On the one hand....I can easily stick to a diet and never cheat, even once, as long as I'm not hungry (why I do a metabolic diet like Atkins)........yet at the same time, when I was frustrated and couldn't get the diet to work, I would get these overwhelming cravings for something sweet and the hunger and craving for it would become SO overwhelming...I'd end up eating almost an entire package of those sugary-sweet sugar wafers coated in chocolate. I was ravenous, eating one after the other....until I realized I'd almost eaten the entire package....and I would do this repeatedly, night after night. I couldn't fall asleep unless I'd sated that craving, it seemed.
Why did I do that? To me, it feels strictly physiologic/biologic. If I eat lots of carbs, I cannot control myself....the hunger becomes overwhelming for me and it's a constant battle. Yet, on a metabolic diet, when I can get it to work for me.....the hunger is gone and it's so easy to stick with it for me. So does that mean it's strictly biologic............or were there actually other psychologic issues going on with me? I'm not even totally sure....I have to think about this. Maybe I was in denial about a few things.
I just can't imagine WHY I would sabotage myself, though. I wanted this SO badly...it started to outweigh every other thing I wanted for myself. I felt like nothing could get done until I could conquer this. I don't know....I could be wrong but I honestly think that for me, a huge percentage of it was biologic. I cannot stick to a diet when I am constantly hungry....so the calorie counting ones don't work for me....yet they've worked amazingly well for others here.
On a metabolic diet, when I can stay in ketosis and am rarely hungry, it's a breeze for me. Why I can't fight the hunger on the other diets....that's the part I'm not sure about. Why can't I overcome that? I just decided not to fight it and stick with extremely low carb. It works for me and I don't have to sacrifice or be hungry and for me, it's just so much easier.
I guess what I'm trying to say, SFG....is that while on the one hand, I feel sure that many people do have psychological reasons why they sabotage themselves or have subconscious fears of losing the weight....I also feel that for many, it may be more biologic/physiologic than we might think. I mean, who wants to be hungry and sacrificing all the time? That would not be easy for ANYbody.
I feel like yes, we definitely can be eating as a way to deal with stress, etc...but how can one overcome that when one is hungry all the time? I think that we CAN learn to deal with stress in other ways...but for me, I had to get past that always hungry barrier first. Once I conquered that, I managed to maintain for about 15 years and did not engage in the over-eating behavior, amazingly enough.
Yet....when I gained weight and shot up to 195 lbs. due to medication...I reverted back to all those unhealthy over-eating behaviors. Yet again, I HAD to overcome the always hungry obstacle and get the diet to work for me again...and once I accomplished that, it's become quite easy for me and I don't have all those destructive compulsions anymore.
I give all the credit in the world to anyone who can deal with being hungry all the time and being successful in fighting that long-term. I just could not do it....the cravings overwhelmed me. I couldn't sleep with that level of hunger. For me, resolving the biologic problems that were causing me to be hungry all the time was key. Perhaps for others, it's a totally different situation.....and nothing like mine. I swear, I have never, ever wanted to be fat. I am miserable for every second of it. It was just the overwhelming hunger and the inability to get diets to work for me that just defeated me over and over. Once I resolved that....I was on my way...and I could not be happier about this.
Will continue to read your blog and continue to think about the things you've written there. Excellent blog.
Hi SFG! Sounds like to off to a great start with a good plan for success!
Glad to have you join us! There are lots & lots of different groups and forums - I'm sure you'll find some that will keep you motivated, inspired and entertained!
There are bunches of people here with more to lose and some with less - the bottom line is that we all have to do it a day at a time. The good thing is that we'll have lots of company along the way.
So many have been (or are) where yoyu are now and can certainly relate to much of your story - we have experienced much of the same emotion, struggles and challenges. I have every confidence that you will be successful in your goals -you have carefully planned out your strategy and seem determined and focused.
I've only been here a short time myself, having NEVER been part of an online forum. What has been so eye-opening is how much it has helped me. Whenever I feel overwhelmed or defeated, I just log on and read some of the success stories, complete with their before & after photos - or read about others still dealing day to day with their challenges - and before I know it, the time has flown by and so have all the thoughts of cheating or giving up.
So welcome - you 've found the right place - join in by inspiring us and being inspired!
Thanks to everyone for the kind and warm welcomes. I really appreciate it! I've been in a lot of different web communities and this is by far the most supportive and mature one I've come across. I look forward to interacting with everyone.
And a particular shout out to Deena52 for her kind words about my blog and writing! I wanted to say that I know how you feel about the uncontrollable and irresistible hunger. I was there myself for quite awhile when I started, but my body seems to have made some adjustments such that it's a little less oppressive now when I'm hungry than it was initially. Since you're reading backwards, you may not have read those posts, but there were days when I was ravenous and stuffed myself with stuff that wasn't the best choice (mainly carbs). I so know where you are coming from!
Have Been Lurking, Now Introducing
