Hi everyone!
I don't know if anyone remembers me. It's been a long time since I have been here. I started here back in October of '07. I had been dieting and I successfully lost 15 lbs. However, within a few months, I fell off the wagon and gained it all back, and haven't really been back here since. I have spent the rest of my time since then re-evaluating what I did last time, trying to figure out what went wrong, and I experienced a few epiphanies...
1. Last time, I chose a diet/lifestyle that was just not maintainable. I couldn't eat like that for the rest of my life. I was sad, I was miserable and I felt sick all the time. I tried to cut my calories too fast, and I was eating bland, boring diet foods that never made me feel satisfied.
2. I was pushing myself too hard. Any week that I didn't lose at least 2 lbs was seen as a failure to me. I was weighing myself all the time and became scale-obsessed. Didn't matter to me whether or not I was losing fat or just water weight... I just wanted to see a lower number on that scale.
3. I was exercising to the point of exhaustion. I had this "no pain, no gain" mentality, and I always pushed myself to the limit every week at the gym, to the point of feeling nauseous and shaky every day when I left. Because of this association with exercising and feeling horrible physically, I quickly burned out and began hating the gym.
4. This is the biggie- I tried to lose the weight based on self-hatred, rather than out of love for myself. I hated how I looked, and somehow I thought that happiness would come from being a size 2 or a size 4. I would post pictures of skinny women on my fridge and tell myself that I had to look like them, or I was a failure. I had this illusion that once I became thin, everything else in my life would be perfect. I also had this bizarre idea that people would like me more if I was thin, and that I would be a better person when I became thin.
A lot has happened in my life since I was here last. I graduated college, I found a job, I have made new friends, and I have done a lot of soul searching. And I have started to re-evaluate how I see myself, and how I see happiness. When I was first married, I had moved away with my husband- away from my family, my friends and everything that was familiar. And so I latched onto him, looking to him to make me happy, because I felt like I didn't have anyone/anything else. But, after settling here, and getting a job... I have become more independent. And with this independence has come a lot of self-love... I now know that responsiblity for my own happiness comes from within, and if I have something I want to do/experience, it's up to me to make those things happen... I don't have to rely on my husband or anyone else to make me happy.
This time, I feel like losing weight is going to be different. First of all, I am excited to be losing the weight- not dreading it. I am not looking at this diet as time in my life where I am just going to eat bland, boring diet food... I am looking at it as a way to expand my culinary experiences. Fresh veggies, fresh fruit, healthy oils and fresh organic lean meats... I CAN'T WAIT!! I plan on experimenting and making DELICIOUS meals and enjoying every single moment of it. I don't plan on killing myself at the gym this time... I want to be active and have fun. Go dancing with friends, go hiking with my dog, wrestle on the floor with my husband (no that's not a euphamism, though THAT will burn lots of calories too...
).
This isn't about fitting into a bikini anymore. This isn't about vanity, or about numbers on the scale or on the tag of my jeans, or about trying to prove something, or about my own insecurities.... Now, I am doing all of this for the right reasons. I am doing this because I LOVE MYSELF, and I want the best for myself, and I want to enjoy taking care of myself. I only have one body, and I should see it as a gift- the greatest gift anyone has ever given me.
And that is why this time is different...
Thanks for listening. I am so happy to be back here, among all of you inspiring, wonderful people. I can't wait to share this journey with all of you!