Hiya Chickadees...
I'm pretty determined to lose this 90 lbs. I realized that I'm dying of boredom and I'm avoiding adventure because I'm obese. Well, and broke. I'm too poor to buy new fat clothes and too bored to hide from the world anymore. Problem is, I feel hopeless, frustrated, have very little impulse and control lack the level of support (intensive) that I think I need. I currently live below the poverty line, have no health insurance and have food stamps. I'm married, with no children, my husband is unemployed and depressed, and I'm supremely unhappy.
Anyhow... until I was about 20 years old, I never had a weight problem, but my mom has been obese my entire life because of endocrine issues, and now it seems that my genetic inheritance has started to kick in. But genetic issues weren't the initiating weight gain factor-- when I was 20 years old, I began a series of loverly antidepressant drugs that put more weight on me than I could ever imagine. I consider myself to be a pretty strong woman: screw the fascist beauty standards and all that... but wow! I found myself refusing to leave the house, avoiding everyone and everything; hating sex; uncomfortable, tired, arthritic knees, bunyons, sleep apnea and craving more and more food. About six years later... I realized that I couldn't lose weight while on antidepressants (a.d.'s), so I went off of them, went vegetarian, started exercising (hiking, etc) and I lost about 40 lbs.
But things happened and I went on the a.d.'s again. I gained again. And again. And though I'm not on the a.d.'s now... I am pre-diabetic and rapidly gaining more and more weight. Why? My doctor friend tells me it's because fat sets up its own endocrine system... but I think it's also because I'm in an unhappy marriage, I'm incredibly understimulated-- terminally BORED, in fact and I feel like I have no control over my life. I think that eating is the closest I can get to being outdoors, to being at a concert, to having a really stimulating conversation, to good sex, to real adventure, to feeling efficacious, etc. I eat the way other people do retail therapy.
I do enjoy exercise. I love the outdoors, especially because I grew up deprived of it, in a large consumer-driven urban center. And somehow, even though I love the outdoors and physical activity (once I get past the nightmarish first 20 minutes of head pounding, chest burning, breathless, profanity-laden resistance) I find myself indoors and merely daydreaming of hiking, camping, rowing, surfing... even gardening or chopping wood. I find it impossible to even get to the gym most days.
To make things more complicated, I love the subject of food, eating all kinds of food, I love eating out and I love cooking. Which is fine in and of itself, but difficult to negotiate when it's a substitute for everything else. I know that I'm capable of making and enjoying delicious, nourishing food that won't put weight on me... but I feel like somehow that opportunity to do that keeps slipping through my fingers. I mean, I love asparagus soup, but put a chocolate muffin in my hand, and both will be gone within moments.
Good news, though-- I've started the habit of drinking a couple of liters of water a day, and I already feel much better. I do also have a gym membership that was a gift. So I remind myself that I have those two things to work with. I also may have some new, lucrative job prospects. So things might be looking up.
That said, I'm ready to let go of the past, and make some radical changes. I want a new life.
Thanks and the best to everyone here.
Big n' bored
