I bought a scale.
I haven't had one in my home for several years. I didn't really need one. I go to the doctor for regular check ups or occaissionally when I am feeling more under the weather than I can handle. They always weigh you.
It is funny though, on my trip to "De Nile", I knew without a shadow of a doubt that their scales were off! Strangely enough, I would forget about it right after each visit and be amazingly astonished by the number on the next visit until I had again come to the conclusion that their scales were off. They needed to have that checked out.
It has been a few months since my last Dr.s visit, but I have been feeling horrible. I'm extremely tired. I don't want to do anything...anything at all. I have no appetite, nor can I sleep. I dont want to go anywhere.
I recently took a few days off just to rest. While I was off, I began wondering if I was in a mono relapse or if it could be depression. I have fibromyalgia and it can get the better of me at times, but I have not been this exhausted and uninterested in life in a long time. I thought about what had been irritating me and at what point I was giving up on things I normally love to do. Then it hit me.
It has been getting warmer and the couple of times I have pulled out something from last summer to wear I have had to put it back where I had it to start with. I had been growing increasingly uncomfortable in the clothes I wear to work everyday. I generally attribute it to bloat and dismiss it. I am extremely busy and I guess that it really hadn't fully registered that it could be due to actually gaining real weight.
I mentioned it to my husband and he carefully and tenderly explained that I had indeed put on some weight and that he had noticed that I have become increasingly inactive while I am at home with him. My defense has always been that I work on my feet and go, go, go so I shouldn't always do it when I am off. My "always" has evidentally become a "never" and I hadn't realized it.
I chewed on all of this for a few days. Then I bought a scale.
I have gained 20 lbs. in the last 6 months. I am at 200 lbs. This was an incredibly sobering number...it probably wouldn't have resonated quite so much, but my 37th birthday was a couple of weeks ago and I have been chewing on that quite a bit, as well.
I have struggled on and off with my weight since I was a teen. I have given half-assed attempts to lose weight by following more gimicks than I care to list. For the first week or so, I whole heartedly believed whatever some skinny guy thought would be the quick fix. Then after I would lose a few pounds, I would be done with it for another 6 months or until I felt the need to punish myself with the latest stiff's rediculous expectations of what my daily life should or should not include.
200 lbs. It has to go. I cannot keep allowing myself to do this. I have to get in control of my life.
I don't need to know what to eat. I have read and read and read about what to eat. I don't need to know how to exercise. I have read and read and read about exercise. I don't have any desire to work out with Jake or Denise Austin. Nor do I want to have dinner with Jenny Craig every day.
What I need is you. I need to know about real world struggles. I don't want pious advice from someone that doesn't know this struggle. I want to know about real women like me who have been extremely tempted in a weak moment and find out how they got through it without caving. I want to know how you have made real food work for you and your families in real world scenarios, without recipes to follow and flip charts deciding what's for dinner. I am not bitter about doing what I need to do. I know it is for me. I am bitter about being targeted as desperate to lose weight by the last best program and falling for it over and over.
I am going low carb-high protien. I am doing away with sugar and flour. Being a soda addict, this has been difficult, but it has been a week since I have had a Dr. Pepper. This is a major record for me. I am having a huge problem getting in my daily water requirement, but I am really trying. I haven't stepped on that scale again. I can't seem to make myself check to see if I have made progress.
I joined a local gym a couple of weeks ago and am meeting with my "personal trainer" on Wednesday. So far, I have only utilized the hot tub, sauna and tanning bed. I guess I am working my way in.
I will visit the site daily. My pattern is to do well for a couple of weeks and then suddenly forget that I was trying to lose weight and undo all of my progress by thinking because I fell off the wagon it is now to far down the trail to run and catch it. I think that getting into a habit of talking with friends about it is much better than keeping a habit of doing nothing.
I hope to hear from you.
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