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I still feel like the monster is staring back at me

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Old 04-08-2013, 01:47 AM   #1
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Unhappy I still feel like the monster is staring back at me

So I do not understand myself some times. I know I have been changing through this whole journey. I KNOW I look way better than I have in the past. I KNOW I feel I whole lot better for the most part. But over the last two days I feel as though I am going a bit Looney tune!
I looked in the mirror and pretty much saw the same person I was before I started the diet. I literally just want to cry, because I am praying on day I will realize what I have accomplished and be happy about it. I am so tired of obsessing about flaws because I just turn my self into a emotional monster.
Like I am almost to the point of wondering if I should be seeing someone for self esteem issues.
sorry for venting.
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Old 04-08-2013, 02:30 AM   #2
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Hi Ckmainprize. Take a deep breath. Sure before, and current photos tell a lot and can be inspiring, but it's not all about looks, or clothing size. For me a lot of the diet was to gain personal confidence dealing with others, and being graceful in situations that at 100 lbs heavier I just had to joke thru my embarrassments. I see/notice my wrinkles, dark circles, gray hair, yellow teeth, my nose is getting bigger as my face gets smaller, etc. It's easy to pick myself apart - but most of those things would be there if I was at my starting weight too. All I can say is keep going for your goal, and give yourself permission to not have it all figured out along the way. We drop weight so fast on IP, it will take time to get it all sorted out when we get to maintenance.
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Old 04-08-2013, 07:20 AM   #3
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The first thing I want you to realize is what you have accomplished. Think about your circle of friends and ask yourself how many people do you know who have lost 88 pounds. I personally don't know anyone. That is a major achievement that needs to be celebrated.
While everyone around you sees this major change we realize we are the same people inside. We have just changed the look of the vessel we walk around in everyday. We still have the same fears, loves, thoughts and silly little things that make us laugh. Most counselors are going to help you dig into the reasons you were over 300 lbs. this may be a good conversation to have. We must all learn that the past is behind us and the future is ours to shape, mentally dragging around that weight we have lost is exhausting.
Start writing down your accomplishments, your goals still unrealized but most of all your inner challenges that hinder you from being who you really want to be. If the challenges are more than you can face on your own then find a counselor who you can have a few sessions with that can provide you with the tools to overcome. You found a program and a coach to help loose the weight so there is nothing wrong with finding someone to help slay that monster.
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Old 04-08-2013, 02:26 PM   #4
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Thank you I appreciate it. I am defiantly going to start writing up a list though so I have I different type of visual.
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Old 04-08-2013, 02:43 PM   #5
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I know this feeling well. I am struggling with what I call 'demons' in my mind. focusing on all the things I wish were happening...faster, more, from different places...instead of the amazing accomplishments I have achieved. Try to only think POSITIVE and NO NEGATIVE!
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Old 04-08-2013, 02:47 PM   #6
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You know, it could be worth it to see a counselor who can give you tips and tools to help work through this issue.
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Old 04-08-2013, 02:52 PM   #7
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I agree that perhaps a counselor can help you, also agree that IP is fast so it takes a while to get used to your new body. Heck, it's been almost a year for me and I'm still not sure what's going on in the mirror some days.

Google "DISTORTED THINKING"...there are different ways of thinking that can be reframed. I found this 'way of thinking' through a counselor years ago and have been working on specific ones ever since. Is it easy? Nope! Do I work on it everyday? Yup! Am I better then I was 10 years ago...YUP!

The Beck Diet Solution just had an article out on it (distorted thinking) but related it to 'dieting'. You can find her on facebook and read or listen to her book. I posted the article in the maintainers thread.

Don't discount all the positives for what you see as a negative. You're rocking it, it will be ok!
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Last edited by Ishbel : 04-08-2013 at 03:01 PM.
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Old 04-08-2013, 05:00 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Halfagain View Post
Hi Ckmainprize. Take a deep breath. Sure before, and current photos tell a lot and can be inspiring, but it's not all about looks, or clothing size. For me a lot of the diet was to gain personal confidence dealing with others, and being graceful in situations that at 100 lbs heavier I just had to joke thru my embarrassments. I see/notice my wrinkles, dark circles, gray hair, yellow teeth, my nose is getting bigger as my face gets smaller, etc. It's easy to pick myself apart - but most of those things would be there if I was at my starting weight too. All I can say is keep going for your goal, and give yourself permission to not have it all figured out along the way. We drop weight so fast on IP, it will take time to get it all sorted out when we get to maintenance.
Ain't that the truth! We DO drop it fast! It hardly gives us time to deal with all the changes. Something else I hadn't thought of. Thanks for that!
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Old 04-08-2013, 05:04 PM   #9
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I agree with others, see a counselor. It will help out so much!!!
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Old 04-08-2013, 05:18 PM   #10
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Do you think you feel this way because you haven't reached your goal yet and you don't think you'll be happy until you get there? I mean, keep in mind that you are still a work in progress. You've come a long way, and you should be proud of yourself for what you've accomplished so far. But don't pre-judge yourself now by what you look like at this moment. Think of the person you are striving to become. Let that be your motivation to get there. Now, whether you'll be happy once you get there is another story.
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Old 04-08-2013, 05:56 PM   #11
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I just read on another thread the hateful thing your neighbor said. Do you think this is contributing to your feelings today?

I can't believe anyone could be so cruel - to judge someone like that and then state the ignorant comments aloud the the person!!!

I am horrified!!

If you think counseling will help - try it - but make sure you find a good therapist -one with experience with people who struggle with their weight. Maybe that could help you reshape your negative self talk.

In the meantime - be nice to yourself - you have taken charge of your life and lost 88 lbs. It's not easy - That's a big deal - don't let anyone diminish your success.

It's easy to see the flaws in ourselves - but try to give yourself a break and celebrate your accomplishments and ignore your flaws. We all have them.....

especially that neighbor of yours - the first flaw I'd list for him is not fixable - his personality disorder and pompous arrogance coupled with a lack of compassion!
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Old 04-09-2013, 12:27 AM   #12
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You all are so wonderful!
I am looking into the Beck Diet Solution. I think I will try this out on my own, for a bit and see how it goes.
I believe that the whole neighbour thing did not help one bit. I think that kind of triggered this really negative spell I am going through. Because up until that point I would look at myself and be super happy with what I saw, and I was not really worried about my tummy or anything because I just kept thinking that everything was awesome, and it will all go away in time.
But when he said those negative things, it kind of just hit me in the face that if he thinks I am still huge, then other people must think that to, which means I am probably crazy and I am giving myself to much credit. And the it just spiraled out of control.
All my life I have always been big, so I am pretty sure it is just the mind set of I can never see myself being smaller. I can not even remember the last time or if I have ever seen a 1 in the begining of my weight...and frankly I think it scares the h*ll out of me. Because I have no clue what to expect. My body is changing I am so happy about it and it boggles my mind frankly, everything is just happen so quick. But I am so happy to be doing this journey, and I am extremely grateful, I am apart of this community, because I have never felt so much support as I do now.
Thank you!
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Old 04-09-2013, 01:46 AM   #13
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You are so beautiful and an inspiration to me ckmainprisze. Im starting day one today...im praying for all of us.
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Old 04-09-2013, 12:39 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ckmainprize View Post
You all are so wonderful!
I am looking into the Beck Diet Solution. I think I will try this out on my own, for a bit and see how it goes.
I believe that the whole neighbour thing did not help one bit. I think that kind of triggered this really negative spell I am going through. Because up until that point I would look at myself and be super happy with what I saw, and I was not really worried about my tummy or anything because I just kept thinking that everything was awesome, and it will all go away in time.
But when he said those negative things, it kind of just hit me in the face that if he thinks I am still huge, then other people must think that to, which means I am probably crazy and I am giving myself to much credit. And the it just spiraled out of control.
All my life I have always been big, so I am pretty sure it is just the mind set of I can never see myself being smaller. I can not even remember the last time or if I have ever seen a 1 in the begining of my weight...and frankly I think it scares the h*ll out of me. Because I have no clue what to expect. My body is changing I am so happy about it and it boggles my mind frankly, everything is just happen so quick. But I am so happy to be doing this journey, and I am extremely grateful, I am apart of this community, because I have never felt so much support as I do now.
Thank you!
Hello fellow tall and beautiful lady. I understand what you are going though with seeing yourself in such a negative light. I was 135-155 lbs my entire life until I had my son and gained an embarrassing amount of weigh while on a long bedrest. I don't know to this day if it was the pregnancy hormones, the issues I had during my pregnancy, or the fact that I was not running around the way I did before the bedrest but toward the end I was gaining 6-10lbs a week and I heard its water weight, its water weight, but after having my son I only lost 35 -lbs of water weight and I was almost 80lbs heavier than when I became pregnant. And I remember feeling so judged after I had my son and I waddled around with so much extra weight. I looked in the mirror and saw a failure. A blob. And I packed away all my cute little bikinis and nicely tailored designer clothes knowing I would never look that good again. I kept my body looking good until age 30 with diet and exercise and now I had to lose this huge amount of weight. I NEVER LOOKED IN THE MIRROR at my body when I was losing the first 40lbs. I only looked at my face to put on make up and even that crushed me inside. I didn't see a pretty woman anymore, I just saw " a fat lady". I was too disgusted by myself and people picked up on this and they will exploit it if you let them.

I lost the 40lbs and my weight stalled. I got naked and looked at myself again. Like you I saw the same "monster" the same failure. In my mind was just a smaller version of the same lumpy mess. I cried and felt bad for myself. People at my old job who I thought were my friends, people who apparently are superficial vain people, made horrible comments and gossiped behind my back. They thoroughly enjoyed my pain. Women seem to love a thin woman getting fat and wheezy. (I carried in a crock pot into a pot luck we were having along with bag of groceries with cups, napkins and the like and these two tiny chicks I worked with asked "Is that your lunch?" and everyone laughed at me. I told them all they were ****-heads and acted like I had brushed it off and didn't care but it tore me up inside.) I had a long talk with my husband and also with myself. My great hubby told me I am beautiful to him at any weight and he just wanted me to be happy more that he wanted me to be thin. So I kicked the scale to the corner and started weight lifting again which I LOVE, hiking, and doing pilates. I switched to a vegetarian organic diet and focused on eating healthy and not eating any processed junk. I started taking good vitamins regularly and read books that improved my self esteem. (I love the old Susan Powter books. Such a spunky woman with a great weight loss story.) I lost only 5 more lbs over the last few years but lost 2 sizes and went from a 16 to a 12. (I started at an 18.) Even though I still need to lose at least 20 more lbs per my doctor my self esteem improved to better than when I was thin because I have better cardio endurance than my husband who is 170lbs and 6 feet tall and runs. I can run a 7 minute mile, I can do curls with 20lb dumbells, I have a strong back and knees and haven't seen my orthopedic MD again in 2 years since I injured my knee, and have not seen my chiropractor since 3 months after I started pilates 3-4x week. My BP runs 110s/50s and my cholesterol and labs are great. I see my curvy, plentiful self and see a sexy accomplished woman who takes care of herself and feels good. Cellulite and all. I may have a big butt, boobs, and a thicker waist and thighs than I used to, but at least I'm toned and healthy I love myself now more than I ever did when I was thin. I enjoy feeling healthy and my self esteem comes from somewhere deep inside now. Not from maintaining a bikini bod.

I've seen people quote the "Pro-Ana"/"Thinspiration" quote on this IP forum;
"Nothing tastes as good as thin feels". And I'm not knocking them. But you know what mantra I like better: "No amount of comfort food, cable TV couch-loafing, or even weight loss feels as good as Healthy feels!"

FOCUS ON FEELING HEALTHY! 20LBS overweight and healthy feels better than 5lbs underweight, slow, flabby, and tired. Even if you never lose another pound your are a beautiful, worthwhile, tender hearted person. Cherish yourself and next time he says something, tell your neighbor to "Stick his comments straight up his *** or you'll use your foot to do it for him!" and then walk away and ignore him from then on if he doesn't apologize and get his attitude in order. Tell anyone else who cuts you down the same. You don't deserve to be talked to that way at any weight, certainly not after losing so much weight and being so disciplined! I think if your get your self esteem repaired with a counselor and adhere to a healthy diet and exercise program you are going to see the scale moving in the right direction.

You always have support here!
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Old 04-09-2013, 12:51 PM   #15
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I have been feeling the same way the past week or two...wow, my nose is huge, I don't look nice, my face looks worse etc. I do have to say that I get a ton of support from my family...so its just my own worst enemy--myself. Thanks to everyone responding positively here...because even if its only one complaint or concern posted, there are others that feel the same way...just some are more brave than others and want to talk about it. I know I'm at this place due to emotional issues...but actually dealing with them and really living is terrifying!! But I can recognize the issues...time for therapy!!
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