WARNING: VERY (very) LONG POST AHEAD! I'm basically sorting through my thoughts as I type! Pics are at the bottom of the post
I started putting on weight during primary school. Prone to tripping up over my own two uncoordinated feet and ending up on crutches for weeks on end, plus being bullied in school for being the only English kid (I grew up in Spain) and having a teeny tiny girl for a best friend gave me a complex about my weight. I (frequently) cried to my Mum about how fat I was and that I wanted to lose weight. All this while sneaking pringles from the cupboard at midnight and giving up rhythmic gymnastics...
Up and down through school but always the biggest, palest, blondest in a group of slim, tanned, brunettes hacked away at my self-esteem even though on the outside I was confident and bubbly. Then back in 2010 I gained the Freshers 15 to reach my heighest weight of about 165lbs. I managed to lose that over that summer with plenty of help from 3FC, my mum's cross trainer and long no-snack hours at work.
Back at uni, I bought some scales, got myself a health-freak housemate and have managed to hover around the 150 mark for the past 2 years. Sometimes slightly below but nothing earth-shattering. I weighed myself EVERY DAY. Just once (OK sometimes twice) a day, but I told myself that it was so I could monitor what made me "heavier" and well...not eat it.
I remember doing a lot of yo-yo dieting. Porridge, tomato soup, couscous, fish and vegetables were my staples. I ate them until I couldnt stand them. Then I'd get my period or a stressy week at uni and out would come the chinese takeaways and ready meals... And all for nada. This continued until December 2012 when I moved house and somewhere along the way lost my scales into the mysterious abyss of removal vans.
I mourned their loss (how was I going to stop myself overeating/putting all my weight back on?!), so it took me a while to realise what was happening. And what was happening was weird. My housemate commented recently that I was finally eat like a normal person (what is a normal person? Go figure...). But its true. I feel much more in tune with myself, and naturally eat when and what my body wants.
I guess the huge thing for me is that I've lost the guilt. Now that I physically can't weigh myself, I have no idea of what I weigh and therefore have finally learnt to listen to my body and not beat myself up if occasionally what my body wants is pepperoni pizza and chocolate cake.
So after all this psychological breakthrough I've been trying really hard to let myself enjoy my food and stop when I'm full and not eat for the sake of eating... All basic common sense stuff that everyone has been telling me for the past 21 years and I've just been to stubborn to listen to. Turns out Mother was right all along!
And then last week I was at a friends house and when I went to use the bathroom, lo and behold...THE SCALES. They were there. Just chilling. Casually telling me that since December I've lost around 10lbs!!! (scales differ etc so numbers are all aprox) (and what can I say? I was curious!)
I'm now (I think) at my very first ever original GW of 64kg/141lbs and still going. I'm now heading for 57kg with another milestone due at 60kg.
And you know what? I don't CARE about that magic number anymore. Of course I love that I can buy smaller clothes, look better in them and then spend far too much time admiring my new figure in the mirror (no-one can say I'm not honest...)
But mainly: I'm healthy, I'm happy and I feel relaxed enough around food to actually enjoy it. It's working for me and I'm loving life!
Around 165lbs, a few weeks before I started losing weight (2010)
About 150lbs, end of summer 2010...
And about 141lbs, last week on a night out (excuse the terrible pic quality!)