I'm glad that someone responded to your original message. Wow, I couldn't believe the lack of support you got here. I think it's the way this board is setup - not because people are ignoring you.
I must admit, and I have felt fat and look fat, but can't say that I feel as badly about myself as your self image. I truely feel bad for you.
You have 2 children, and that alone makes you a very lucky lady. And, you have a wonderful boy friend from the sounds of it. Another thing to be happy about, right! Now, take all the good feelings that those things bring to your life - and take another look in the mirror. You have to see something good. Since you wrote here - your ready to make a change. Yes, you make be 190 lbs now and it's not impossible to lose 50 lbs. Yes, it would be quite an accomplishment - but truely not impossible.
Don't do what I have done for the past 3-4 years. I kept trying to diet and thought I was doing good and each year I would just gain more weight. Take baby steps to get you started.