Trish, I too feel very uncomfortable when people comment on my weight loss. It's very personal to me, and feels like an inappropriate thing to comment on without some kind of permission. I would usually handle it by getting even MORE personal, out of spite and an attempt to answer the real question of "how I did it". I never really felt great about how I handled it.
On the opposite end, now that I have regained, I find myself bringing that up to people, who invariably tell me "you look great, I hadn't noticed". Which doesn't bother me! Weird stuff.
I totally get what you're saying about being head hungry. I think when you've struggled with your weight or don't like your body it's hard to be present with it all the time. I find exercise really helps me be in tune with my body. Starting the day with a gentle walk is all it takes for me to really be present with myself.
@Georgette and Patty
Yes, it's really hard for me to hear about how "great" I'm looking. I've lost weight through restrictive dieting and purging. When people tell me I'm doing great it's like "no, no I'm not. I feel like utter sh$t right now". It is really triggering.
I've been trying to eat according to the meal plan that my dietitian has given me as part of my eating disorder program. Honestly, I'm done with it. It's really triggering for me to try to eat on a plan. It just ends up leading to restriction every time. So I'm eating intuitively. It's so great. My plan had me eating three meals and three snacks a day. My body doesn't want to eat that often! I ate two meals yesterday- lunch and a later dinner. I feel so much better. I'm eating a lot of junk food because I've been craving it trying to eat healthy "balanced" meals. I'm sure I'll swing back to eating in a more health-supportive pattern once my body recognizes I'm now eating freely.
It's good to be back, ladies! I was put on prozac three weeks ago for anxiety. It made my anxiety and depression worse, and I started having suicidal thoughts. So now I'm off the pills. I don't think I'm going to go back on meds. I'd rather be nervous than have all those side effects.
P.S.- I shared my candy with the rest of the office and enjoyed a few pieces myself. Thanks for the support everyone!
Hi, I've been reading through these boards for a long time. I love them. I just made a membership. First off, I'd like to say, that all of you are very inspiring to me. At 20 years old, for the past 5 years or so I have been battling a OCD type calorie-counting binge-eating disorder.
I swore up and down that I was crazy, there was something wrong with me. All of my friends, everyone on Myfitnesspal could count calories no big deal. Then, here I am, logging and tracking perfectly up until lunch, dinner... Heck, sometimes I would even give up before having my breakfast.
The funny part is, I was never too restrictive. The most I restricted too was 1300, in the very beginning of my journey at about 16 years old. Never did I have anorexic type tendencies, or bulimic either. Any type of restriction, or diet mentality, however, sent me completely over the edge. I can remember the very first time I began dieting,
I was 15 years old. It was a great day, I ate healthy, I put myself in the 'no junk food you pig' type thought process. That very night, for some reason, never did it before, I went in the kitchen and ate a gigantic bowl of frosted flakes. No, not a gigantic bowl. I ate the whole box. I was so confused. Downward spiral from then on. Now, instead of having the box of cereal, it has gotten 10 times worse because once I realize I'll just *start my strict counting* tomorrow, I end up going out and spending money on things I plan to swallow whole for that evening.
This needs to stop, I refuse to give into this monster for the rest of my life. I find it amazing that I use to be so comfortable in my own skin, I use to be so happy. I ate what I wanted, when I wanted. I never felt the need to overeat. I can't even remember what came over me... It must have just been media, pressure, boys, no idea.
I actually don't have the book Intuitive Eating, but I did read Josie Spinardi's book and I loved it. If anyone can recommend a book, is Intuitive Eating worth the purchase? Happy to say that I deleted all of my calorie counting apps off of my phone and out of my life. Sorry for the rant! I have never spoke like this anywhere else to anyone, it has been my, how you say, dirty little secret. Lol.
@Locke, I'm so sorry to hear that, although medication helps many people it's not the right answer for everyone. It seems like you're at the point of rebeling against the meal plan. Just hang in there with IE and stay true to yourself. I can't help but think that we all get into trouble when we come down hard on ourselves. We must always remember to be our biggest cheerleader so don't forget to be kind to yourself and say the things that you need to hear!
Onelittlecreation, welcome to the forum. You're right that this is a monster. We don't cause it on ourselves alone, society and diet culture has a lot to do with it but it is indeed a formidable monster! Good for you not to feed into it, I wish I would have known about IE when I was 20.
I feel pressured because my three sisters are going to be at "normal" weights soon, and here I'll be, still nearly 100 pounds from being a decent size myself.
I know exactly how you feel because I feel this way myself. But it has to be said that the prediction that your sisters will be normal weights soon is not necessarily true. It may be or it may not be. What's important here is that this is a prediction you are using to fuel how badly you feel for yourself. In my heart of hearts I know that nobody is looking at all of you and comparing who's losing what. Only you are doing that and by doing so you're only hurting yourself. Don't use this bit of info (that may or may not be true) as ammunition against your own self.
I had a family function this weekend and my slimming family member was there. I was nervous because I've gained a few stress pounds this month and was wallowing in self pity. But you know what, I pulled myself together and had a blast with my friends and family. Sure, I've been thinner and I've been fatter but the people who love me love me for who I am and I showed up! I spent the whole day laughing, eating, catching up and spending quality time with my people. I felt body stress leading up to the event but when the time came I was able to let it go.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Georgette
Have any of you done CBT or DBT work around food and weight? I got a DIY DBT book from the library lately called "end emotional eating". I'm a binger and the idea is to break that binge cycle through awareness and acceptance of uncomfortable feelings. Bleh, easier said than done!
A bit about me: Have PCOS, spent 10+ years in OA, in and out, with a 60 lb loss. But annoyed at having to keep going to meetings etc. Have been at a "normal" weight since 2006-ish. OA's method of avoiding all binge foods (for me, included sugar and cheese) worked very well, though I would still overeat, but I got tired of all the meetings and avoiding whole groups of foods. I reintroduced all my "binge" foods a few times, and started working on ideas of IE in Jan 2015. Currently 20 lbs up from my lowest weight (no sugar and breastfeeding weight in 2009 )
198/158.5/150 (dream weight 140)
I don't know what DBT is but I have read the Beck Diet Solution. Although ultimately the diet fell apart for me (as all diets do), I liked a lot of things about it. I liked the daily assignments and writing exercises. It was also the first time I realized that there was a difference between me and normal eaters and gave me my first glimpse of what I needed to do to become a normal eater.
Welcome. OA is very difficult. In my opinion from what I see it keeps people in a victim role and food as an enemy. But we all need support and I'm glad it worked for you while it did.
Quote:
Originally Posted by pattygirl63
It would be good if we could always figure out why we associate love with food. I think we are taught it.
Because food is the first way we are loved. When we are babies we have very few needs and the primary need is to be fed. We cry, then we're fed. It goes on like that for a long time. Our whole childhood is about being fed if you think about it.
THIS is what restriction does:
So some of you know that I had some acid reflux issues that have gone on for many months. I had to change my diet a lot, I quit coffee for 6 months, stopped eating tomatoes, lemons, seltzer, spicy foods, eating after 7pm, etc. It's been a huge ordeal and very disruptive to my life in general. Well, I'm starting to feel a lot better now and have been able to incorporate some of these foods into my diet again. Lately I've added coffee back into my mornings.
So my relationship with coffee used to be very simple. For over 15yrs my habit has been one cup of coffee per day, in the morning. It was a super satisfying experience. I never craved coffee, I never thought about coffee, I never indulged in coffee at other times of day.
But now, after several months of restriction there is not enough coffee in the world to satisfy me. I have 2 cups in the morning now and I think about coffee during the day. I still have to limit my coffee, can't have a lot but 2 cups is really pushing it for me. How did I go from a one-cup-a-day girl to salivating over coffee all day long and feeling intense compulsion to drink coffee when I walk past a coffee shop?
I totally get what you mean, Palestrina. I've had to give up coffee/tea/cocoa because of my anxiety disorder. Coffee makes me so jittery. I never thought about coffee that much before. Now whenever I see a billboard or advertisement with a tall glistening cup of iced coffee and milk I practically start salivating. I'm glad that your acid issues are better- what a painful thing to have to go through.
@Palestrina Thank you very much for the welcome, and YES at your post about the restriction & coffee. I was the same way after restricting... well, anything. I wouldn't eat carbs, all of a sudden, I found myself cooking an entire box of pasta at 3 in the morning after denying my rumbling stomach it all night. It's that way with anything when you restrict! Spot on!
As for how I've been, it has been super hard not creating a MyFitnessPal. I'll admit. I just wish I never even got into dieting, ever. I don't regret much, but this is something I very deeply regret. It's like, when I'm counting and obsessing, I just want to stop and eat everything in sight ... and at this moment I'm going through almost, 'what-if' type counting withdrawals.
I guess what I mean by that is, I'll find myself thinking... "Wow, what if I could just suck it up and count for the rest of my life, I could have total control, I could lose weight, I could look the way I want!"
Even though by now, I'm acknowledging that I will NEVER be one of those people. Not many people are those people for the rest of their lives, either. I know this because I actually use to log on to my old MFP to check up on people I use to friend there... accounts all either deleted or just not touched in months and months, years. Really goes to show something.
I totally get what you mean. I have so many old MFP accounts because I create one then use it for a few days/weeks, then go crazy from the restriction and stop using it. It's amazing how I continue to want to diet even after all of this time. Dieting is such an addiction. I know it never works for me and yet I find myself drawn to it again and again.
I have to rant a bit. Every time I try to eat intuitively I get swept back up into the dieting mindset and behaviors. Weight loss is my panacea. Stressed? Bored? Tired? Don't feel well? Dieting is my answer to all of these feelings. IE makes me anxious. I feel like by looking into my own inner wisdom I'm going to ruin my health, stay at a high weight, etc. ad infinitum. How have you all gotten past this? I'm in an infinite loop of diet -> feeling restricted -> intuitive eating -> anxiety -> diet. Most of the time I don't even realize what's happening until I'm throwing away all of the "bad" food in my kitchen to make room for "healthy" food. This is serious. I have spent $600 a month for the past few months because I keep getting delicious food, throwing it out, buying healthy food, then throwing it out and getting delicious food. It's a terrible problem and it all stems from my dieting mindset and anxieties about eating. Any thoughts?
I totally get what you mean. I have so many old MFP accounts because I create one then use it for a few days/weeks, then go crazy from the restriction and stop using it. It's amazing how I continue to want to diet even after all of this time. Dieting is such an addiction. I know it never works for me and yet I find myself drawn to it again and again.
Don't give up or beat yourself up. I am going thru the same thing as you and have been for years. I will be on track and feeling good, and then suddenly I am back to all the excuses. What I don't understand is that I love the way I feel when I am healthier and working out and eating right, so I don't know why I get off track. I think it's just my love of food and laziness. Someone on here just told me about ############ and I am going to give it a try. I am not one to try weight loss pills, but this one seems a bit different. I am hoping that it helps me stay on track and holds me to my diet. Maybe rather than finding a diet that works for you, try to find something that you love doing that gets you active. Easier said than done, but we can help each other!
Yes! I think you just took every word I could possibly say right out of my mouth. I'm right here ranting with you! I have absolutely no idea how many MFP accounts I have, really. Definitely 5 or more, ridiculous... IE, especially for me being new, makes me anxious as well. When I think of my 'what-if' dieting method, I envision a certain body for myself and how that body will suddenly make my life better. IE encourages you to let GO of those thoughts.
For somebody like me, who has had these thoughts for years, letting go and allowing my mind to trust my body truly frightens me.
One thing I can tell you, it is getting better. A tiny bit, day by day. While I have this ideal post-diet image in my head, I know that even if I was able to diet myself to this unrealistic body imagine it WILL NOT BE SUSTAINABLE. This thought keeps me going, really. Yeah, I could obsessively add, subtract, count, divide, weigh everything for 6 months but what happens when I get to this magic -weight-? Do I really want to be weighing every single morsel and obsessively counting for the rest of my life? Because I know for sure that if I got to that magical weight, which I have gotten to *goal weights* before (and still wasn't happy by the way!) that I would be even more under pressure and freaked out to sustain the unsustainable lifestyle that I would end up bingeing my way all the way back to square one and in my experience even more!
My loop is yours. It's a genuine struggle and I feel like we are the same in these feelings. Our poor minds have gone through some much with this. I'm notorious for giving things up quite fast, diet-wise. It goes something like this for me.
1. Start counting calories, sets up MFC and weighs / measure myself and food
2. One week later, realize that this way of life actually adds stress onto already stressful schedule (full time worker and college student, of course)
3. Binge out of restrictive thoughts. Decide IE would be good, amazed at watching people eating food carefree, want to be like that
4. Typically much less than one week, think to self, "wait, I can't intuitively eat because I screwed up my mind and appetite so much that if I even attempt I will get bigger and bigger and never be happy with myself"
5. Binge out of anxiety. Resort back to week of calorie counting
So I have a bad problem with bingeing, and whenever I fail a diet, I tend to think 'screw it' and binge. Trying to convince myself that this will be my last binge ever before my next big diet that will change my life (HAHA!)
And what you said about throwing away money to food just to toss it out... YES! I don't know if you are me, or XD It feels really good to know that I'm not alone. I have also spent a ridiculous amount of money on food. Get this, I actually monitored myself... I received $300 in tips over a 4 day span or so at work. My initial plan was to save it, as I should have, to put away for my tuition and whatnot. After a few weeks, one $20 to pizza here, one $20 to grocery store haul here ... Most shameful thing for me, all $300, gone. To food. Nothing else. I'm serious! I could cry thinking of it!
WOW what a rant. I just can't believe I finally have a place to vent about this. Never have I spoken about this. I'm glad I found this thread! Thank you all for existing! LOL!
Last edited by onelittlecreation; 04-14-2015 at 08:52 PM.
I've started eating intuitively again and I'm eating a lot of food. It's really scary. I'm not having binges, because I know how those are- totally out of control stuffing food down my throat and feeling horrible afterwards. I'm not eating like that. I get the feeling that I need to eat something and I eat until I'm satisfied- sitting down, chewing slowly, and really feeling my body. The problem is that it's more than I think I need. I know logically that since I've been restraining my eating that this may be a necessary step in the process. It's just really, really scary. It doesn't help that I'm feeling a lot of shame in general today, much of which is about my body. I'm not feeling sick right now I'm feeling good. My stomach is comfortable and I'm feeling energized. I know this is the right thing to do it's just really scary for me.
I've started eating intuitively again and I'm eating a lot of food. It's really scary. I'm not having binges, because I know how those are- totally out of control stuffing food down my throat and feeling horrible afterwards. I'm not eating like that. I get the feeling that I need to eat something and I eat until I'm satisfied- sitting down, chewing slowly, and really feeling my body. The problem is that it's more than I think I need. I know logically that since I've been restraining my eating that this may be a necessary step in the process. It's just really, really scary. It doesn't help that I'm feeling a lot of shame in general today, much of which is about my body. I'm not feeling sick right now I'm feeling good. My stomach is comfortable and I'm feeling energized. I know this is the right thing to do it's just really scary for me.
Good for you Locke!
I have been avoiding this board/thread. I feel like I fell down again and I was doing so good. I really really relate to what all of you are saying about the anxiety loop, restriction, and food wasting.
So, I had my stressful thing with family member for about a week. I literally couldn't eat due to my horrible nervous anxiety. My stomach was a constant leaping roiling mess. As soon as the situation got resolved I was STARVING. I got my appetite back with a vengeance and could not stop eating even when I was full. I went back to eating "junky" foods. I have been eating when I'm not hungry. Im just eating and eating. And so the anxiety comes roaring in. I keep thinking of all the compliments about my weight loss and so I just keep eating more and feeling "fat". Total regression. Spawned by non weight loss restriction. I don't know how to get over that anxiety either.
