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Old 12-15-2006, 05:05 PM   #1
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Hey everyone. I just needed to come here both to vent and ask for advice.

My boyfriend and I started dating about 2 years ago. At the time I met him, he was still with a girlfriend at the time and living with her. To make complicated story short, things ended soon after I met him, yet she continued living there until about a year ago. Fast forward to the present. She is still calling him on a weekly basis - sometimes 3 or 4 times a week. It bugs the crap out of me! They were together 5 years, and I know sometimes it's hard to let go, but still. It bugs me to no end. My boyfriend has a son, and his son goes to see her once in a while, which really pisses me off. She is NOT the mother of his son, so I don't see why she wants to see him. She acts like she's still dating him!

And what makes me even more mad is that my boyfriend and his son went over to her family's house for thanksgiving!! He said he is friends with her sister's husband, and that's who invited him, but I don't see why he would even want to do it.

I have not told my parents a lot about him because there are a few things they won't like about him. He is 28 (I'm 21), is Hispanic, and (as you know) has a son. I don't know how my dad is going to handle that, although my mom knows a lot. I get mixed messages about how she feels about it. So obviously he couldn't spend the holidays with my family.

Another thing, I was kept a secret in the beginning (duh, because he was still living with her). He has made progress and is now telling all his friends I'm his girlfriend and has introduced me to his son (he wanted to wait a while until after his ex moved out to introduce me so his son wouldn't be confused or anything). Thing is, he does not want the ex to know about me (she found out about me right after they broke up, and he told her we were just friends, so she wouldn't do anything to ruin his chances of getting custody of his son). So earlier this week we got in a huge fight because I got upset that I couldn't go to his house until after she picked his son up and left, because his son was going to go to her apartment for the night. He thinks it's stupid that I'm upset, but I don't think it is. I think it's totally legite for me to be upset. He also has not told his sister or brother-in-law about me. That part I totally don't get.

I don't know, do you think I'm being a psycho for being mad that he still talks to his ex (I do know, however, that he rarely answers her calls - I've heard a couple of their conversations because I was in the room and he never calls her)? I don't think that I should be kept a secret from her either. Or his sister. It's only confusing his son even more. But he is SO STUBBORN and won't listen to me!!

Don't get me wrong. I am NOT considering leaving him, because I am very happy with him. I spend just about every day with him and his son, and this is the happiest I've been in a long time. I just can't get the stupid ex to BACK OFF. He said she just wants to see his son once in a while, but I don't like it.

I don't know...this was really long, so thanks for reading. Any advice would be appreciated.
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Old 12-15-2006, 05:08 PM   #2
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Honey, before anyone else comments here......

1st, read that thread Tweetyandme just posted (the apology one). Then, go back and find the thread that she's talking about. Read it and MAKE SURE you still want our advice.

Other than that, have you thought of cutting the brake lines? (JUST KIDDING!!!!)
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Old 12-15-2006, 05:11 PM   #3
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I will take any advice, but I can't promise that I will follow through with any of it. I'm open to any suggestions, but it is ultimately me to make decisions. I'm not asking whether or not to trust him (I know he is being faithful), or whether or not to leave him (as I said in my post, I am overall happy, there are just a few things that piss me off...just like any relationship).

LOL about the brake lines. That would definitely make me feel better...if I did it to the EX!
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Old 12-15-2006, 05:12 PM   #4
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Yup, that's what I meant
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Old 12-15-2006, 05:29 PM   #5
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Like they say..."Once a cheater, always a cheater"... AND he's STILL keeping you a secret from his ex! Watch out, girl. Watch out.
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Old 12-15-2006, 05:31 PM   #6
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Like I said in my 2 posts, I know he is not cheating, it's not even a question. I'm with him all the time. And trust me, i've heard the saying before, so I've spent a lot of my time making sure nothing is going on and I have checked his phone bills (w/out him knowing), and there is nothing suspicious.
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Old 12-15-2006, 05:43 PM   #7
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I know this is a bit different, but my family still spends most of my holidays with my mother's sister even though my mother died when I was younger. So my father and stepmother, neither of who have blood ties to my aunt and uncle, are still very close to my mother's side of the family. I guess what I am trying to say is that relationships can be complicated and persist even when the original connection isn't there. I don't think it is necessarily bad that your BF continues to be friends with his ex and that his son has a relationship with her. Children don't always understand the machinations of adults and if the son has a good supportive relationship with the ex, why break that up because of romantic changes?

That said, I think it is really strange that you have been together for 2 years and he still hasn't really brought you into his life. I can understand that it might take awhile, but it seems like unless he has a REALLY good reason, it has been long enough. If he isn't ready to stand up to the world and say you are his GF, when will that happen? What exactly is he waiting for?
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Old 12-15-2006, 05:48 PM   #8
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Yes, that's what I've been trying to get out of him, but he keeps saying "the time is coming, just be patient. I'm not ready". Really everyone knows we're together EXCEPT his sister and brother-in-law and his ex. That part I really don't get. He's willing to tell all his friends and his son about me, but not his own sister or his ex? That's just so weird to me. I do know his sister has told him that he should take it easy and stay single for a while...I don't know if that's the reason he's holding back in telling her. But it still irks me.
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Old 12-15-2006, 06:06 PM   #9
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This may sound harsh, but I would give him an ultimatum to introduce me to his family or I'm gone. Stick to your guns girl..... Men are sneaky!!
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Old 12-15-2006, 06:27 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by emsbrat View Post
This may sound harsh, but I would give him an ultimatum to introduce me to his family or I'm gone. Stick to your guns girl..... Men are sneaky!!
How true! There have been talk shows on TV that have similar stories. If the man is keeping you a secret, then there's something there.

You didn't mention the mother of this little boy, only that the ex isn't the mother. Where is she in all this? How can his ex mess up custody?

Also, if this little boy is spending time with her, how do you know he hasn't mentioned you? You didn't mention his age. Little kids can't keep their mouths shut most of the time.

Does he know you haven't mentioned him very much to your own family? If so, perhaps he's having some of the same feelings that you have about him.
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Old 12-15-2006, 07:53 PM   #11
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I have a couple of thoughts. The first is that you are angry that he hasn't introduced you to his family but yet you haven't introduced him to yours. Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black? It's sounds to me like you both have some things to work out in this regard and maybe you should stop pressuring him about this until you feel ready to reciprocate.

As far as his ex wanting to see his son, I think you may need to be a little generous there. If they were together for 5 years, especially living together for part of that time, she probably established a pretty close bond with his son and his son with her. She probably cooked his food, played with him, went to his school events, disciplined him, consoled him when he was upset, etc,--everything a caretaker would do. The fact is, she probably was like a mother to him. It can be very damaging to kids to suddenly lose a relationship like this and they often think it is because of something they did. If you become the wedge that prevents the son from see her, that isn't going to help your relationship with the son, which is going to be critical to your relationship with the father. I think it is probably healthiest for everyone if the son is able to maintain his relationship with the ex.

As for Thanksgiving, if your boyfriend couldn't spend it with you does that have to be a sentence to spend it alone? Most people like to be with friends and family on holidays. When I couldn't spend Thanksgiving with my boyfriend, I spent it with friends (ironically one of the friends was his ex, but that's another story). This sounds exactly like what your boyfriend. Since you know he isn't cheating on you, I'm not sure why you would begrudge him this. It does seem a little petty and selfish to me.

If you know he isn't cheating on you, why does his contact with his ex bother you so much? It doesn't sound like it interferes with your time together and it sounds like they are friends. Don't make your boyfriend choose between you and his friends, that's a sure way to end up with an ex-boyfriend.
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Old 12-15-2006, 10:08 PM   #12
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I'd have to guess that you are going to get burned bad. You say that you know he isn't cheating because he is with you all the time... do you really want to live that way? I used to think that was alright as my husband and I were together most of the time for a long while. But I never gave him a chance to build trust and I ended up being very paranoid about him.
Inevitably, you cannot spend every moment with this man to be sure of things.
I can tell you from my own experience, that IT IS A **BAD** SIGN when the man doesn't want his ex to know about you. There is something going on that you don't know about, and I would guarantee it.
You say that you are happy, but I would question how happy you really are since you even have a question like this.
If I were you I'd get rid of this guy and tell him to enjoy his ex.
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Old 12-15-2006, 11:53 PM   #13
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I would be leery of this situation for a couple of reasons. First he doesn't want the ex to know about you. That sets off an alarm with me. If he isn't still involved with her , there is no reason for her not to know of you. Second, along this same line is why can't you be there when she comes to pick up his son. Although you say "I'm there with him all the time", this doesn't add up. I'm not saying for you not to give this a chance, but just be aware that the SIGNS are there. I totally agree with Amanda, in that you KNOW somethings not right or this wouldn't have came up. Feel free to completely ignore me if you like, I have had my share of dishonest marriages and relationships. Wishing you all the happiness you desire.

You say you have "checked his phone bills" this alone shows that you have suspicions.
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Old 12-16-2006, 12:16 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LaBonita View Post
I have checked his phone bills (w/out him knowing), and there is nothing suspicious.
If you trust him so much, why do you have to check his phone bills?
He cheated on her with you, and he was in a long term relationship with her- what makes you think he won't do the same to you? Did he tell you that? I bet her told her that too...
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Old 12-16-2006, 01:15 AM   #15
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Exactly....the crap he pulled with you behind his"ex's" back speaks volumes.....not a great catch in my mind....I feel sorry for his son...it must be very difficult for him.....the whole situation sounds sketchy...

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