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Old 11-29-2006, 03:06 AM   #1
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Red face I'm Desperate For Advice!

Please help me! I don't know what to do. I also don't have anyone I can trust.

First things first, I have a 1 year old daughter. I met her father 2 years ago and quickly fell in love with him. We got engaged and a month later I found out I was pregnant.
I was very independant. I found out at work 6 months into my pregnancy he'd been cheating on me, inviting girls to our house while I was at work that he'd met online. (On young girls, porn sites-swinger sites, etc)..
I immediately moved out.
Against my better judgement after his pleading, crying, and begging, I gave him another chance. Now, the baby is a year old and I find through his myspace that he is messaging and soliciting girls again. I've never recovered from the first occurance..but now find he's doing this again.

Legally, what are my rights? We are not married. I have kept proof of the first 'cheating incodent'. Should I start building a case for this new stuff he has going on? He waits until I'm in the shower or gone to the store when he does these things.

I don't want to be with him because I can't trust him. I also do not think this behavior is a sign of a committed father, but don't know how the court would see this.

Lastly, I quit working 2 weeks after my daughter was born to be a stay-at-home mom because I couldn't bear the thought of leaving her with anyone. So I am fully dependant on his income. I can't "put back" a bit of money because honestly, we don't have any left over at the end of the month.

PLEASE help me! I will greatly appreciate your comments and advice.

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Old 11-29-2006, 06:09 AM   #2
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First of all, I'm very sorry you're going through this and especially now, just as the holidays are upon us. I'm heartboken for you and your daughter.

I'm not sure what you mean by what are your legal rights. Do you me legal rights to your possessions? I am guesing th what was your's remains your's and what was his is his. Anything you've bought together may end up having to be sold anf the money halved if you cannot come to an agreement. I am by no means an expert! You should seek legal advice. Legal Aid should be your very first port of call because you are definitely going to need sound advice as far as custody arrangements. You might recieve primary custody of your child and should definitely get child support but I doubt a judge will rule out visiting arrangements for your partner based soley on infidelity.

Do you have anywhere at all that you can go? A friend, family? Until you get on your feet. You should never have to live with the dishonesty and the disrespect this man is bringing into your very home. Not to mention he's putting you at risk for disease. If he's done it once (and really, he's done it twice) you have to just accept that he is NEVER going to stop.

Oh just a thought...are these sites and these girls he's soliciting all of legal age? Beause if they're underaged, I think I'd be placing a call to the police.
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Last edited by Mummy_Tummy; 11-29-2006 at 06:16 AM.
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Old 11-29-2006, 06:48 AM   #3
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Just to add to Mummy Tummy's solid advice. You need to get away from this man, pronto. He is participating in some pretty dangerous stuff. You have yourself and your daughter to think of. You both deserve waaay better then this man. You DON'T have to and SHOULDN"T put up with his deplorable behavior. Is there someone you can turn to - a sibling, friend, family member, a clergymen? And you do need to get some legal advice, for sure. I know you feel trapped, especially money wise, but there is too much at stake here to risk staying with this man, disease, abuse, loss of self-respect and you have a little girl - you don't know what this man is capable of. There are women's shelters out there if you don't find someone that you know that can help you. Don't stop until you find somewhere to turn to. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It must be absolutely horrible, to say the least. But you will get through this. There is a better life for you and your daughter ahead of you. I wish you tons and tons of good luck. My prayers are with you.
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Old 11-29-2006, 10:28 AM   #4
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My heart definitely goes out to you and the little one. I just did a quick online search and found one website for young mothers:
If the link gets removed, it's just "youngmommies" between the w's and the .com
I didn't get to look through the site very much, but it may have some resources and information that could be helpful.

I wish you all the best in getting into a new situation where you get the respect you deserve.


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Old 11-29-2006, 10:37 AM   #5
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Just wanted to come and give ya a Kudos to you for being strong enough to not put up with this. Court wise they are not going to care what he does online or how many women he is with. If they are truely underage then yeah there is a problem but some sites are made to look "young" but are 18+. Anyhow do NOT stay with a man cause of money! Your self esteem and peace of mind is worth more than that. As far as rights. It depends on what state but you may have to split custody with him. Ask the judge that you be awarded custody. SOme states favor split, some favor physical with one parent and the other parent seeing him on the weekends. I would defo recommend you find a stable home BEFORE you leave. Is moms house open? Go bacl to work even if its only part time. When you go to court they want to see that you have a stable loving environment for the child no matter if you are poor! They don't even care if you are on state aid as long as you show you are responsible and stable. He will have to pay child support to help with the kid. Good luck!

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Old 11-29-2006, 10:51 AM   #6
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Look in your local phone book, most attorney's offer a free consultation so you should be able to find out what your rights are legally.

All the best to you!

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Old 11-29-2006, 12:15 PM   #7
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You've received some solid advice here. What state are you in? Maybe some of the people on here will be able to tell you what your state offers.

I'd definitely find out if he's looking for girls under 18. That right there can make a difference in any custody arrangements.

Please let us know how it's going for you. The others are right, don't worry about the money right now.

Gee, I wonder if some of us should pretend to be someone else on my space and let you know what he's up to.
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Old 11-29-2006, 12:30 PM   #8
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I believe strongly that you need to get out of this relationship and quickly. From the previous posts about him and this one, it isn't a relationship that is good for you or for your child.

Now having said that, your rights to any compensation may be limited. You can get child support from the father but he will also be given visitation rights. If he is doing illegal activity, then you would need to report that and his chances of visitation rights may be reduced due to that. Depending on your state laws, you may be considered a common law marriage but since the relationship is only a few years old, your rights of allimony and such would be limited. At the very least, you'd need to consult with a laywer and you may also have to go to court for any allimony/splitting of any community property.

Ok now having said that. I will say that you need to do what is best for you and your daugther. Are there any relatives/friends that you can stay with? That would probably be your best bet in the short term.
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Old 11-29-2006, 01:20 PM   #9
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I was in the EXACT same predicament as you, 12 years ago. I was going to college full-time, working at Kodak part-time and doing hair all day on Saturdays and along came my daughter. Her father (or, sperm donor, as he's called in our house) refused to work and help support the family...I'd come home and find him sleeping on the couch watching Nickelodeon or VH1...no, not with our daughter, but by himself because he wouldn't get up and watch the baby, much less give me an idea that he was actually taking care of her. The ONE time I had him watch her, I came home to her wailing her lungs out while he was on teh phone, smoking, on the back porch, purposely ignoring her. I had to PAY a babysitter to take care of her while he slept the day away. Then the final straw, he was in the basement on the phone with an old girlfriend of his, telling her how much he missed her. Was I eavesdropping...no...unbeknownst to him, when he talked in the basement, his voice carries throughout the house through the heat ducts like a PA system. To add insult to injury, we rented our house from his mother and one day while at the Salon doing my aunt's hair, his mother called me and demanded rent payment or she'd 'rent it to someone that could afford the rent." Once I stopped crying, my aunt invited me to move in with her and my grandmother with my daughter. I accepted and never looked back. I stayed at my gramma's until I graduated from college and could support myself with my daughter. Now, my daughter is in Junior High, is in marching band and choir and on high honor roll. And I'm married to my awesome husband and a stay-at-home mom to both my daughter and my almost 6-year-old son.

My point of my story is...it looks bleak and dismall now, but find someone you can stay with, cut cord and move on to better things. The sooner the better because the older your daughter gets, the more she'll feel torn from the dad...assuming she's close with him at all. I left when my daughter was 6 months old. I barely remember living with 'the donor', much less her remembering any of it. Makign the move is the hardest part...patching up your life and moving on is exhilarating and liberating and you will NEVER regret your move from a loser like him. If he were a good dad and you just didn't get along with him, I wouldn't be sayign these things...but he belongs in the same loser category as my daughter's father and he'll only drag, not only YOU down, but also your daughter.

Here's the downside...if he's dishing out child support, he'll likely be looking for some sort of visitation. You need to print out all you can of him soliciting minors for sex. Its the only chance you have of negating his right to visitation. YOU would have to be a total jerk for the courts to award him custody. But its very hard to delete his right to visit his daughter. They even go so far as to make the mother out to be the bad guy in this situation, as if to say, 'how dare you try to take away his right to visitation." Here's the good news. Leave. If he takes you to court for visitation, you have the right to a court appointed (and paid for) attorney, if you're unemployed. A court appointed attorney is willing to go vast distances with you to get you your wishes granted. If you end up paying for your attorney, they will nudge you to settle through mediation and have you coughing up your daughter to this sicko for weekends. I guarantee he won't take care of her while he has her and GOD KNOWS who he'll be exposing her to while he has her. Some creepy non-custodial parents tend to use their kids as possesions or pawns or even bait for potential girlfriends. Something like taking a cute dog for a walk, scores of girls come up to a guy and want to pet the dog...same goes for a guy with a cute baby in a stroller. Then in seconds, he'll be singing about how you left him and he only gets to see her on weekends...and blah, blah, blah. He's gross, I can tell. Get out now before bad things happen to you and/or your daughter.

Just my 2 1/2 to 3 cents worth. Good luck to you. MOVE OUT!! I did it, you can, too!! And before you know it, your little girl will be in marching band and on high honor roll in junior high school and this section of your life will be a distant memory just like it is for me now.

First and foremost...get some dirt on him off the internet. Then find a good friend or relative and GET OUTTA THERE!! You have all our permission to do so...

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Old 11-29-2006, 02:07 PM   #10
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There is also a possibility that he won't want visitation anyway.I think having a baby around would get in the way of all of his other activities.
Leaving is hard,that is certain.It's the right thing to do and I think you know this.
The hardest thing I ever did was leave but today I am remarried to a wonderful guy and I haven't seen or spoken to my ex in 5years. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

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