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Old 11-07-2006, 09:07 AM   #1
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Default Girls Meeting Boys at the Mall

Okay...so my daughter has had this girlfriend since first grade. The girl has had this hold on my daughter since then, where I only have ever felt that she calls my daughter to play when her other friends are busy. When they go places with school, Suzy never hangs out with Shelley and Shelley ends up hanging out with me, waiting till Suzy gives her time.

So, enter middle school...and now Shelley has a new best friend, Tori. Tori is a year younger than Shelley, but lives around the corner from us. In the elementary world, the grades rarely intermix because they just don't...but now they ride the bus to the middle school together and were in summer marching band together and have become fast friends. I've known the family on an aquaintence level, for about 6 years and they seem like a really nice family. Four kids, stay-at-home mom, dad has his own business, camper in the front yard...a really normal American family. So, I was happy when Shelley latched on to Tori because I was really glad to have her lose her hold on Suzy's time table and all that.

So...a week and a half ago, Shelley asks if she can go to the mall with Tori's family and told me that she and Tori will probably be off on their own shopping and I thought...they're preteens...and the parents are there and they both have cell phones...that's okay. So, they went and all was well and Shelley had a GREAT time with the $20 I gave her. Then, this weekend, Shelley's on the phone with Tori and Shelley asks if I could take them to the mall...but Shelley tells me in confidence that Tori wants to meet a boy she likes at the mall and that the boy is going to bring a friend along and that Tori wants to all go to the movies...two boys and two girls...all preteens. I said NO! and Shelley seemed relieved, as if Tori had been putting some pressure on her and the excuse that her mom said no took her off the hook. I profusely thanked Shelley for being honest with me and encourage her to continue being honest with me.

So...yesterday, Shelley's on the phone with Tori again, asking if they can go to the mall with Tori's family on Thursday after school. I said, "As long as Tori's family is going...who else it going?" And she told me that the boy that Tori likes is going to be meeting them there. And it came out that Tori's family isn't really going...and then to add insult to my intelligence, Shelley tossed in that now the mother of the boy that Tori likes (his name is Storm...I wondered if he had a sister named Gale ) is going with them.

First of all, does she really think I'm that stupid? Second of all, what the heck happened to nice, little Tori? Now she's got me losing trust in her AND Shelley and furthermore, has Shelley glommed onto, yet, another user? I know Tori's mom has told me that she's happy Shelley and Tori have become friends because Tori was hanging around with kids that she was getting in trouble with and she likes me and Shelley and is glad that Tori has become friendly with a new family. But now I'm thinking that I don't trust Tori and worry that she's going to drag Shelley to the dark side.

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Old 11-07-2006, 12:43 PM   #2
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Can you go to the mall with the girls and keep an eye on them?

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Old 11-07-2006, 01:13 PM   #3
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This can certainly add up to trouble. I know that many people see me as being over-protective of my 14 yr. old DD, but I don't let her go hang out at the mall. (Unless I'm with her, of course). I discovered that a lot of her friends parents were willing to just drop them off and let them stay there. The reason they wanted to go was to meet boys. In my own experience, it is not the parents that are strict with the children that causes a problem. It's the parents that didn't care. I believe that your DD telling you that the friend is going to meet a boy is a sign that she isn't ready for this type of situation. She could be being made to feel uncomfortable and needing your guidance and needing you to be the one to say NO so she doesn't feel like she's a "wimp" saying NO to her friend. Stand your ground, only You know what she is ready for.


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Old 11-07-2006, 01:34 PM   #4
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I know Tori's mom has told me that she's happy Shelley and Tori have become friends because Tori was hanging around with kids that she was getting in trouble with and she likes me and Shelley and is glad that Tori has become friendly with a new family.
So, she (the mom) is just assuming that because Tori is now hanging around with a good girl that she's gonna drop the "bad" friends. Ha. Yeah, right. Sounds to me like she IS using Shelley as a cover.

Ah, teens..... Don't have any, but remember when I was one (I was always the "good" one who was being used--but too stupid to realize it at the time!)

Last edited by 4myloves; 11-07-2006 at 01:35 PM. Reason: split my infinitive :)
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Old 11-07-2006, 05:32 PM   #5
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hehe. i was the good one too. Kids are schemers and scammers at that age. Don't trust her friend, she's obviously trouble.
I was one of those used kids too.. problem for me was, before i knew it I had converted to the bad kids! Be careful, this is the age when good kids can get in way over their heads. You are lucky your daughter is comfortable enough to talk to you and tell you she's not ready for these things.
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Old 11-07-2006, 05:47 PM   #6
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Yeah, kudos on raising a kid whop tells you things. Give her boundaries! That way when a "friend" asks her to do something she 's not comfy with, she can blame you, lol! My mom and I did that. I was and am one of those good kids who told my mom everything. Does Tori's mom know she's meeting boys? I would tell her...but that's just me.
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Old 11-07-2006, 06:56 PM   #7
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OK, so my SIL is "OK" with her daughter's choices and supports them ALL without question. Result, niece was at 15 years old dating a 21-yr old. At 16, niece was taking the easy way through school, getting minimum credits to graduate so that she could have enough free time in order to "socialize with a better class of people" at the mall. At 17, niece stayed at our home overnight and had permission to go to a school dance, but while at the dance, got so rip-roaring drunk that the principal called the police and we had the lovely taks of picking her up at the police station and informing my SIL of the situation. My SIL INSISTS that niece got drunk "just this once" and that she is such a good kid that she needs support. Result, no consequences for niece, just a new cell phone and daily chauffeuring to the gym while niece was suspended from school for the week. Seriously. Stick to your guns. Get Tori's mom online. Supervise. Don't be your child's friend, because at this age, she needs the benefit of your love, wisdom and guidance. She will thank you, and will trust your judgement. I think you are doing a great job! Good luck!
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Old 11-07-2006, 07:21 PM   #8
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First of all, I think it's fantastic that you and your daughter have a good enough relationship that she feels comfortable talking to you.

I'm sort of torn on this one. On the one hand, I feel that if you trust your daughter and believe you raised her with strong morals, she should be totally fine just going to the mall and seeing a movie. Chances are they will not be shooting heroin in the aisles! Maybe you could check the movie times and be sure to pick them up EXACTLY when it ends...?

On the other hand, if she originally told you that she was uncomfortable seeing these boys you may want to just keep her home. Maybe you could offer to let them use your living room to hang out instead, where you can make sure they're supervised?

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Old 11-07-2006, 07:32 PM   #9
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Well I must say 2 things

1. Perhaps Tori is trying to be a better little girl, but it takes time for a personality to change. But there is no reason for them to be lying. It seems like you have a wonderful relationship with your daughter, don't make her pick between friends and you...let her decided, from the way it sounds, your daughter would rather do the right thing.

2. Don't worry about the boy thing so much. Offer to take the girls to the mall and meet the boys too. If they don't want you to go, that's a yellow flag (not a red one yet, they may just be shy to have mom see the boy they like). Perhaps take them to the mall, talk to the boy a bit, let them go off to do their thing, you go do whatever window shopping you like, and have a certain place and time for them to meet you to go back home.

Show your daughter you trust her and her friends. If you talk bad about them all the time, then they do something really bad and you try to tell her how bad it is, she'll just think it's because you don't like them. But if you show intrest in the friends, have a level of trust, then she'll be more open to anything you might have to say about them.

Don't throw her in the deep end though @[email protected] but don't follow them 10 steps behind. have a balance of trust between the two of you.

Right now, I think a talk about peer presure is in order... a real friend respects your choice and would never presure you into something.
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Old 11-07-2006, 09:36 PM   #10
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Old 11-07-2006, 11:23 PM   #11
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I actually read some where that some malls don't allow teens to hang out at the mall after a certain time without an adult supervision. Ive been to the malls in the evening and wish that was the case at those malls. Its crazy...
Techwife, I think you and your daughter have a wonderful relationship that she can talk to you,,,
I would perhaps enlighten Tori's mom of whats going on...preteens is a bit young to me.



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