What do I say to her?! (Kind of an adult subject.)
Okay...my cousin (we were raised together, she's basically my sister) is barely 19 years old. She's about 17 maturity wise. She dropped out of college last year to take a breather, and just has a part time job. She's been working with this guy for a couple of months, and last week he told her that he likes her. Four days ago she started dating this guy. He's 51. No, that's not a typo. He's FIFTY-ONE! Last night he got her to sleep with him. He was her first. Her first everything. In the past 4 days, she has lost her first everything. He bought her a necklace (I don't know from where...probably the vending machine outside of wal-mart.) and asked her to run away with him and get married.
She has never been on a date, never drank, never did drugs...she's been a total recluse her entire life. So this is quite a shock to all of us.
She had everything packed up and ready to go tonight. Her parents weren't having any of it...but they're at their wit's end. She's legally an adult. So the guy shows up while my mom is on the phone with my hysterical aunt. He pulls into the driveway and honks. He doesn't park, he just keeps his foot on the brake and rolls his window down. My cousin goes out into the pouring rain and talks to him through the window. He didn't offer to give her a seat in the car, but let her stand in the rain and get soaked.
My uncle (He's a BIG guy.) went out there with his phone, let them talk for a bit, and then yelled at the guy to leave or he would call the cops. The guy didn't leave. My uncle dialed and said really loudly "There is an unwanted man on my property. He's 51, and trying to take my 19 year old daughter off to get married." My uncle happens to be close friends with the sherrif. Hearing that he was on the phone with police, this guy rolled up his window and drove off as quickly as he could, without even saying goodbye to her. My uncle told the sherrif, and has him on speed dial with an invite to call any time morning or night, and he would come help him fend off this pervert.
By the way, my uncle leaves in 6 days to spend 18 months in Iraq guarding ammunitions vehicles. So...our family doesn't really need this right now.
Collectively we've convinced my cousin to come spend a weekend up here, and visit my other aunt and uncle for a month...sort of a cooling off period. Thing is...I'm pretty sure she's got it planned to let everyone cool down, and then after the month is up, meet him somewhere and get married.
Did I mention that this old man lives with his mother? In an "apartment" in the back yard. He also has multiple ex wives and children, the youngest of which is 20.
What can I say that will get through to her? Whatever we say to discourage this, she just answers with "I know...I know...yeah, I know..." I think she just wants to shut everybody up.
I don't know what to do. I don't want her to ruin her life with this loser.
OMG!!! My head hurts for you just reading that! Unfortunatly parents have to be pretty creative in situations like this, Stall as long as possible and PRAY it will blow over with minimal damage. She has Zero experience with dating or romantic socializing and truly believes this is a good idea??? I'd ask her why she's selling herself so short. Pretty much ending any hopes of "finding herself", having fun, changing her mind, knowing what its like to have sex with a hot 20 year old...lol It really is a shame. What an a$$ that guy is! Maybe Dad should have the round about come to Jesus conversation with him...scare him to death.
I couldn't read and not reply- that's a scarey situation alright. I think Stevi hit the nail on the head though, stall her. Maybe bargain with her and say that if she agrees just to date him for 12 months(or maybe till her Dad comes home from Iraq?)- you and your family will give your blessing and even help her have a nice family wedding. Don't attack the guy's character (that will just make her close down), focus on what's best for her life and suggest that if they are really that much in love he would want her parents to be happy about the situation. Maybe talk alot about how much her family love her and how much you all would like to share in her day when she does get married. I think if you gave it a positive spin rather than trying to scare her off him she might listen.
To be honest from the sounds of that guy he'll be long gone in 12 months especially if he realises that he can't isolate her from her family which is what it sounds like he's trying to do. Good luck with it- let us know how it goes!
I think she would be headed straight into an abusive relationship.
She is his daughter's age??? That is just weird... maybe he is a pedophile, WHO KNOWS...
While she is away for a month, get her mind on other things.... Find hobbies, jobs, friends, activities... ANYTHING positive that she will value and not want to give up for anyone. I say definitely get her involved in a good group of friends around her age... then she can see what people her age are doing, and just how weird of a situation she was in.
Maybe she even needs some counseling.... I don't know, but it sounds like her self-esteem is down the drain and that she doesn't find herself worthy of anything better.
Make sure she gets some birth control too! If she does get back with this guy, I'm sure the family doesn't want her making babies with him...he'll likely be a deadbeat!
Sounds just like one of my patients. Seriously. Birth control is a MUST! Ask her how he is supporting all of his kids now. He is a loser and she does not want to ruin her life with him. ~~~birth control~~~
It will get even worse when she pops out a baby.
Definitelt birth control...
Counseling...
Family Support...
She's losing her dad for awhile to Iraq, led a sheltered life, growing up, etc...she's probably very confused and he played on all her weakness'. Take her out and keep her busy, show her there's more to life than this guy...go to the movies, dancing, go get make overs together, go out to eat, sit in the park and talk, etc. Make her feel worthy and loved so she won't be looking for that in the wrong places.
That really is quite a situation. Communication is definitely key. I don't have a great deal of experience, but I have been in relationships that my family have tried to talk me out of. I recall feeling like I was being talked down to; like I was too stupid to make my own decisions and I was expected to do as I was told.
To try and get a more constructive conversation going and avoid the "I know...I know...yeah, I know..." responses, trying backing off on telling her why you think this is a bad idea and ask her why she thinks this is a good thing. Maybe you can get her to write a list of all the good things that she apparently sees in this man, and then have her list the things that don't really sit well with her and see how the good measures up against the bad. Seeing her own words on paper might help her to see that these traits she's pursuing can be found elsewhere and without having to sacrifice other things she may want out of a relationship.
Yikes! Stalling is a great idea. That poor dad, being in Iraq and unable to have any control or say over his daughter. The girl, on the other hand, probably thinks "he's the one" because he's the first. If at all possible, get her into some confidence-building social activities ... starting a hobby/class, college enrollment, a new job, something.
Do they still offer Norplant? It was that 5-year hormonal birth control. I'm sure this loser will be in and out of her life during that 5-year period, and she wouldn't have the long-term implications of a child.
Norplant has been off the market for awhile. Implanon is the new implantable progesterone birth control method, but some areas don't have it yet. As much as I dislike Depo, that might be a good choice in a situation like this. She sounds quite young and naive and should not depend on his ability to use condoms well (how many kids does he already have?), and I wonder if she would be a good pill taker. As much as I love IUDs, there may be too much of a risk of an STD in this situation. The patch or the ring are good options, too, but they depend on regular use.
Just some birth control thoughts from a feverish brain.
I would like to point at Idealperson and say, "What she said..." She's right on the money. The 50-year-old creep machine is just a symptom of other underlying problems. Help her deal with the underlying problems and you'll have her 'fixed' in no time. Good luck!!
Having been 19 and desperately wanting male attention not too long ago myself, I almost ended up with a few losers as well. Even though he is obviously a loser, she'll likely make excuses for him and focus on only the positive--and many times, just the fact that he shows interest in her at all is enough of a positive for a girl in such a situation.
I agree with those who said to make this about her and not about how much of jerk he is...ask her what she wants out of life, what kind of family she wants, what kind of home she wants, where she wants to live, what she wants to do...I know a smack of reality once hit me when I was talking to a friend in college and we were talking about the future, and I mentioned I would love to be able to stay home when I have kids. Well, with a guy who was at the time working retail (not a manager or anything, just a regular clerk), I knew that was quite unlikely to ever happen.
Maybe with so much family focusing on her, she's getting the attention she craved and won't have to go back to this schmuck later on. Here's hoping...
Stop her anyway you can. My niece was in a similiar situation and it quickly spiralled into an abusive relationship. She didn't have a father figure and met a50 year old guy that paid her all sorts of attention, she got pregnant with him they ran off and got married when she was 18. Didn't tell anyone.
It was bad from the beginning. He just wanted 1 thing from my neice and the fact she was young and cute built up his ego. The baby added more stress then he was wanting. She finally wised up and divorced him and got a restraining orders but you know what? Restraining orders aren't worth the paper they are printed on. He broke into her house and attacked her. She was able to grab the baby and run to the neighbor's house. He went to prison and she hid from him for years after he got out.
It didn't end there, A couple years later she hooked up with another old man and now she's having to take care of him because he's had big medical problems. His children are older then my niece and they don't like my niece because they see her as the reason their parents got a divorce.
Your cousin is young and immature with no experience with life. I had the same problem, I hooked up with a much older man when I hit college. Now that I'm older I know what it was about but at the time it was so cool to be paid so much attention and I thought it was love but it was just the thrill of something new. It finally ended badly but he didn't even care, he had already found himself another 18 year old.
But don't completely forbid her because she's at that age where she knows what's right and "you don't understand, we are in love." Maybe you can use a lot of delaying tactics, send her to visit every relative she's ever heard of as far from the pervert as possilbe. Have some big male family members go and talk to him if it keeps up.
If you have the ability to spend some money, I'd do a back ground check on the pervert and see what is going on. I mean, he's basically still living with his mother at 50. There has to be some skeletons. I think it would be helpful to find out how many children and ex-wives the man has also and check out his financial status. Is he supporting his children? Does it leave him with enough to support a new wife? Of course you have the arugument "but we love each other, it doesn't matter how much money we have"
I don't know anything about these on-line background check services but I found a few links that might be useful:
Well I'm not going to say anything about the age difference because my best friend is 22 and her boyfriend is 59. They've been together nearly a year now and they are incredibly happy together. He treats her very well. I thought it was bizarre when she first told me she was going out with somebody of that age, but having met him, he seems like a very kind caring supportive guy. So after getting my head around the fact that the age gap is so large, I've pretty much just accepted it. Actually he's made her happier than any of her past boyfriends. I'm very happy for her.
Having said that, in the situation with your cousin it doesn't seem to be the age gap that is the problem. The guy just flat out sounds like a jerk! Leaving her to stand in the rain...honking for her....it's incredibly rude if nothing else! Asking her to run away with him and get married is the most worrying.
I don't know what you can do to be honest, but I definitely think you're right to be concerned. No matter if he was closer to her own age, his actions are very unsavoury!
What do I say to her?! (Kind of an adult subject.)
