Well, here is from the other side of the fence.
In spring of 2002, my parents had to loan me and my fiance $100 to come back home from Dallas... we up and left a few months earlier, with a few hundred dollars and a prayer. I was 20 and he was 26 at the time. Its a very long story behind why we left, but lets just say it was what we needed to do to be together, and we STILL feel that it was our only choice.
Mom and dad wired us the $100, and let both of us live with them. We had no jobs, no money, and my dad had taken over my car payments. They wanted me home because they worry too much (I'm an only child), but they knew they had to let Chris come with me or I would "run off" again. And I would have.
We got jobs within a week of returning home, paid off outstanding bills, and saved here and there. I never paid my parents rent or anything - HOWEVER we paid for all of our groceries/household expenses, cell phone, internet access, and we did our own laundry and cleaned up after ourselves. We never had free rein over the house, and tried to keep our lives in my bedroom. We helped out whenever asked, and NEVER complained.
The following January, I returned to college fulltime, while working 30hrs a week. We set a wedding date, and moved out nearly a year after we came back. They wanted us to stay and save money - but WE WERE TIRED OF LIVING WITH THEM! I get along better with my dad when I don't live with him; when I do, we fight like cats and dogs.
Apparently my situation is the exception. I orginally moved out as soon as I turned 18, and moved home a total of 3 times between ages 18 and 21. Each time I left on my own because how stupid would I look to be living with my parents!!!!
This year, I will have been married for 3 years to the guy I "ran off" with... we support ourselves with no outside help, and I will graduate in May with a BSN... and my parents couldn't be prouder.
I guess, I can tell you, from the KIDS SIDE that there can be a good outcome, even if it doesn't seem like it now. However, I have to say that if I were you, I would put my foot down (and keep it down). They make more than enough money to be moved out by the end of the month. (When we moved out, we only had a net monthly income of $1000/month, and now only $1600/month - certainly if we can do it, then they have NO EXCUSE).
You are not their housekeeper, or their money tree, so don't ever feel guilty for making them move on. If they want to live like adults, MAKE them live like adults.
I don't know how your relationship is with your son, but I got the feeling from your first post, that he would be understanding of the need to move on.
Thanks for sharing your story. Hub and I too moved in and lived with his parents for 3 years. WE could have moved out sooner, only they had health issues so they wanted us there. We also paid for our own expenses and took care of our own needs (food, laundry, etc). We also paid rent and helped around the house.
We moved out as soon as their health got better. I don't regret living there either, it was what needed to be done at the time. BUT there are limitations and when one of the parties involved are not happy about the situation, then something needs to be done, which is what Lilybelle did.
Thanks for sharing your story. Hub and I too moved in and lived with his parents for 3 years. WE could have moved out sooner, only they had health issues so they wanted us there. We also paid for our own expenses and took care of our own needs (food, laundry, etc). We also paid rent and helped around the house.
We moved out as soon as their health got better. I don't regret living there either, it was what needed to be done at the time. BUT there are limitations and when one of the parties involved are not happy about the situation, then something needs to be done, which is what Lilybelle did.
Oh, I know where Lilybelle is coming from, as I have friends like her son/gf... and although I have moved home more than once, and am part of the "Boomerang generation," it really makes me sick that so many people my age have such a sense of entitlement for things they didn't earn, and a huge lack of respect for their parents.
If I were Lilybelle and my child moved in their SO without my permission (whether or not I knew they were thinking about it ahead of time), I wouldn't give them a chance to get settled in my home... You wanna live together get your own place... I am very glad to see that she was able to be the parent in the situation and get the ball rolling. From what I have read, I think her son is probably a pretty good guy and wouldn't have wanted her to resent him - he just needed a push. Everything (I hope) will work out for them; I think she did the right thing.
I just had to say something since so many people are against us moving back home with an SO - sometimes I feel that my story is an exception to what is going on, but really, sometimes it does all work out pretty good in the end.
I am happy you brought it up finally Lillybelle. Atleast they will make this as their priority now. I am kinda in a similar situation but with tables turned. My Inlaws live with us and I dont think its perfect for our relationship. I mean they are nice and everything but you know how it is when the focus of the entire household is what they want or are they tired, hungry,etc... (They are in good health and not that old). I dont feel very free (them knocking on my door ten times a day, having to explain why I eat less etc.)
I can relate how hard it is to bring this topic up without feeling guilty of being coming across as mean. I am glad you did it. It requires courage!
I did that for 4 months. I let them know ahead of time that this was only till they got on their feet. Then I bused them around to look for jobs, helped pick up applications, etc. My husband looked at their finances, helped with debt control, etc. I know what you mean by everything focuses on what they want. They didn't cook or clean (other than their room). My baby was barely 2-3 months and not only did I not sleep because the baby never slept but they didn't help me out and I bent over backwards to help them out. In hindsight my MIL was seriously grieving. I should have given her more sympathy. The reason why they lived with us is because I told them I absolutely refused to give them any more money and "groceries" wasn't enough.
On the other hand...something my dad once told me when I got married at 19..."you made your own choices, grown up ones. You are on your own. I'm not here to bail you out. You always have a place to stay (sans the husband) and medical (if an absolute emergency arises) but I am not here to carry you through life." I remember him giving me some food out of his deep freezer, buying some stuff (he didn't need) at my garage sale but never giving me a dime freely. Fast forward to 27 years old and 2 kids later. We were building a house and we couldn't really afford rent and loan on the house (both in the same more expensive city where hubby worked). I was willing to get my own place in my hometown until then. He offered us a place to stay, giving me the luxury (yes, luxury) of going back to school and gasp gave me $10,000 toward a new van (my very first new car). I was shocked. My dad told me, he still will not "bail" me out, but he knows I have learned to grow up and that's what mattered. So since then he silently mailed me a few thousand when we were without jobs (never once did we ask for the money and he had taught me enough to save, but the money was still a blessing). I STILL know not to ASK for anything. I also know I will never be homeless, but I do have to work toward helping myself. I stayed there 9 months (a full school year for my kiddies). It was hard on both of us, but rewarding in that he got to know his grandkids (we move too much). I have my B.A. degree and hubby has his M.A. degree. We've both put ourselves through school and we both have jobs in our fields. We are not rich, but we can provide for our children ourselves. His bank calendars (where I put money in slots each month to save), his interest lesson (he borrowed $20 and paid me with interest when I was in middle school), my first supervised credit card, rolling coins, showing me sales ads, and teaching me about money then turning me lose and saying "you are now on your own" has helped me. How can I resent that?
Having said that, there are times when EVERYBODY needs some type of help. There are situations where helping someone is the honourable (not necessarily to be taken for granted) thing to do or the right thing to do, but taking care of someone who has the entittlement mentality is actually hindering them.
Oh I know what you mean. I felt the same way about when we were living with the in-laws. But I think like someone said here, I think its okay as long as all parties involved is okay with it and everybody respects each other.
I think Lilybelle did a great job and I agree with you, Amanda, I think that her son is a great guy, probably just need a gentle push. All in all I'm glad it worked out.
I had to go back and read posts to see where the story led. It sounds like you are on your way. Your son is being agreeable, they are taking hand me down stuff (great step...shows a better mentality), and there is nothing wrong with helping them get out the door (as long as they are the ones maintaining it). Most parents go through that when their child goes to college. It's no different. As for the GF, the dog thing is not a big deal (even money wise) except the place has a no pet policy. Not everybody has the same priority. My dad and I are that way with eating out or having mini vacations. As long as they can maintain a budget, that's the key. Many people have never learned to manage the money..that's the hard part.
Thanks everyone who has shared in this discussion.
WTG, Amanda, on getting that BSN, that is what I have too and it helped me so much in life to know that with this education that I could always find employment and support myself and my children with or without help.
My son and his Gf's apartment is supposed to be ready by July 15th. We are packing things and scraping up used furniture and such that they will need. They put up the deposit on the apartment today. It is all working out, they just needed a little push. They are now both acting happy about having their own place. I think it's all for the best. If they had no money, I could see them staying here longer, but that just isn't the case. If times get rough or they lose a job, I'd be willing to help. I just want them to try to learn to be responsible adults but know that me and DH still care deeply.
Lilybelle, you are an amazing person. You have a lot of love in you and your kids can only benefit from it. My parents are and were very strict. My in-laws on the other hand are VERY giving. When I first was dating my husband, I thought he and his siblings were kind of spoilt because what the expected of their parents, but now as we are older they are very giving just like their parents. I am VERY forunate to have married into a family like theirs. Good luck to you and your family!!
You really, really nailed it. I wish I had the patience and the ability to control my anger. I wouldve been FED UP. I mean, I dont have any kids but I'd probably kill them before his/her partner moved in. You really handled it well, and I loved reading this!
Thanks so much everyone. They should be out around the 15th. His GF was actually very excited when she and I went to see the apartments and make the deposit yesterday. They are both being more careful with money and saving for the big move. My son has done the paperwork to have his savings from the Armed Forces Bank sent to our local bank to help with his first months rent and electric/cable deposits. It is all working out for them and I am proud. BTW, we did find out that they accept pets with a $250.00 non-refundable deposit. The GF said "well, we won't be getting a pet because that is just too expensive." Good for her, the place is small and I don't think it would be a good place to raise a puppy. I do love the golf course there and sure wish I could still play. Swinging a golf club hurts my back and right shoulder too much now due to my liver problems. I was never great at it, but did love to play. The pool is really nice and big , so i plan to visit often and swim with her while he and my DH play golf. EVERYONE is HAPPY now.
Wondering if all is well. My son lived with us for 2 yr due to a short bout with mental illness. He is married now and doing well. There were a few disagreements but we felt he needed the support at the time. I am so thankful the Lord has taken care of things for him. He has a wonderfully understanding wife who stood by him at the worst of times. Needless to say we are great friends.
We all had a disappointment today when we found out that there wouldn't be a 1 bedroom apartment open til Sept. 1st. But, the deposit has been made and they will be ok here til then. They did seem frustrated and are looking very forward to the move. It just took too long to get their credit report back and neither of them had ever bought anything on credit, so others with good credit jumped ahead of them in the deposit/verification process. I am OK with it all. This will give my son time to do his 3 week summer Army Drill before having to move. We're all happy with the moving situation and I am proud of how they are handling it now.
to your son and his GF with their move! 
