Lillybelle....bravo to you for having a backbone. I know, I'll be the same as you when my son and daughter get older. If I had a five-bedroom house, I might be inclined to even get involved with the situation with the girlfriend...but I'd like to think not. You know, there is a fine, fine line between helping out someone in a tight spot, and where you are being taken advantage of. I mean, I can see them wanting to get away and go camping and going out to dinner, etc...but that fine line was drawn for me when she got mad at you because you wouldn't let her bring home a puppy that costs about as much as a cheap car!! That she needs!! OMG!! I would be so mad. She should be greatful to you for taking time to help her find a place to live with your son. And I daresay that I hope she doesn't give your son grief down the road. She seems like a spoiled brat.
I moved out of my parents' house when I was about 20 and moved in with a girlfriend and my mom said, literally, "Okay...you're out, now you cannot move back in no matter what!" So, when my roommate didn't work out, I couldn't afford to get a place on my own (I worked as a hairdresser at penney's and made about 12,000/year), so I moved in with my boyfriend at the time. He became abusive and when I told my mom repeatedly that I was being abused, she kept telling me that I had to stand by my man and pretty much told me that I was being picky and to buck up and grow up. It wasn't until I told my older sister about my situation that she called my mom and gave her an earfull and then my mom called me up crying and asked me to come back home. THEN they sold the house and moved to Florida and I had to move in with my new boyfriend (a year and a half later) because I was still working at Penney's and still making 12,000/year and still couldn't afford to move out on my own, so THAT didn't work out either and I ended up living with my best friend and her mom at her mom's house and then in with the next boyfriend and ended up...gasp...PREGNANT!! So, by then I was about halfway through with a college education because I decided that I was sick of making minimum wage plus commission, so I ended up moving in with my grandmother (because my daughter's father didn't have a job and was on welfare...my 20's REALLY sucked!) and I needed a place to stay until I could graduate from college and get a decent job. Which I did and ended up just fine by the time my daughter was a year old. My point is...like your husband, I'll ALWAYS have an open door for my kids...no matter what. Unless they're taking advantage of me like your son's girlfriend is doing...then they just have to get their own place. I won't sell my house and move away from my kids until they are totally raised and able to support themselves. And your son is more than capable of taking care of himself AND his girlfriend. In fact, I'd even let the son stay around as long as he wanted...but with a live-in girlfriend, that's time to fly the coop.
With just my husband & I at home after the kids moved out we had a lower phone bill (kids still called long distance to keep in touch with friends from the town we moved), grocery bill, electric bill, cleaning & laundry supplies, less gas used, lower car insurance and the list goes on, it was like we got a raise in our paychecks.
My 42 year old brother still lives at home with my 73 year old Mom. He hardly pays anything and she doesn't want him too--right now she is in very good health but he says he will always be there for her and there are alot of physical things he takes care of. I have told her that she needs to have him pay her at least $50 if not $100 a week and if she chooses not to use it then she can put it in a savings account or keep it there in a lock box. My fear is because he has never had to curb his spending, if something happens to her he will be in deep trouble.
Techwife's post made me want to say something I was thinking. Remind your son to use condoms. His girlfriend does not sound like she is responsible enough to comply with a birth control regimen, and an "oops" now will have lifelong consequences for the both of them.
Techwife's post made me want to say something I was thinking. Remind your son to use condoms. His girlfriend does not sound like she is responsible enough to comply with a birth control regimen, and an "oops" now will have lifelong consequences for the both of them.
I talked to both my son and his GF this morning. We sat down together and made a list of all the things they will need to start their own home. We also made a list of the things they already have. This plan is starting to come together and they are starting to look forward to having their own place. My son is the type that gets upset easily but is easily forgiving and will always apologize afterwards. So, he is over it and seems happy. (Unlike me, I tend to hold a grudge for life). A co-worker of my DH said he has a whole storage building of furniture and will ask his wife today if it is OK to sell some stuff to us cheaply. They mainly need living room furniture, vacuum and microwave. As she can't cook a lick. He can cook decently. We used to have a large camper that was fully stocked with dishes, silverware, pots and pans. So, they can have all this extra stuff. Plus coffee pot, blender, electric skillet and such. The plan is to have them their own place by the time he gets back from his Army training. He wants a bigger TV and I told him he will have to take his small one and save for a bigger one. No one ever starts out with everything and I think they will have more than most who are just starting out. As for the GF being spoiled, it does seem she is pretty pathetic. She is from a very poor family. Her mom died when she was 6 yrs. old and her dad has never worked (only lived off the mom's Social Security) and he is an alcoholic and wastes what little they did have at a bar. I think my son got hooked up with her because he felt sorry for her. He has made the comment before that "she's so pathetic that I can't even break up with her". It seems she's never happy about anything and is expectant of others. For instance me and my son split the cost of her senior pictures, announcements, cap and gown and senior trip. I feel sorry for the lousy life she's had. When their hot water heater went out, my son bought them a new one. The thing that puzzles me is that since she's always been so poor, why would she not care if she lost her first decent paying job? It doesn't make sense. Unless she's just thinking that me and DH will support her or my son will support her. I know she is on Birth Control pills and neither her or my son want any babies for a long time. She did say she will be out of them next month and I told her I will take her to the health dept. to get some more.
I know she had mentioned wanting to work only part-time and go to nursing school. But, she made mostly D's in high school.. She made a 12 on her ACT and that won't even get her into a college. I made a 28 on mine many years ago and still thought nursing school was very hard. She did find out that at a junior college she could take a bunch of remedial classes to get started and possibly eventually get into an LPN program, but what I've heard is that these are very hard too. I am going to have my son sell some of his extra junk to help them get started. Such as several guns and paintballs guns, X-Box and games and things that aren't really essential for life. This should help them get started too. He probably has at least $2000.00 worth of guns and doesn't use them. Hasn't even hunted in years.
Lily,,,
Id be taking her to the clinic and getting her a shot...(deperol? think I spelt that wrong but tis a injection that is a 3 month birth control...so oops I forgot to take my pill yesterday and today sorta thing)
And as for her being poor and all...coming from a poor family also, Im watched cousins go on spending sprees without thinking of saving for rent...food and such. Usually they are given the money because they can't work,,or just don't know how. Money isn't really money to them. They have never really had to work for it. I remember working 2 jobs through highschool while she spent most of her time sitting around going through catalogues ordering stupid things she had no way of paying for. Ive also learned my lesson of locking my doors,,(small town) she came in once while I wsa gone and used my phone to call friends long distance.
I just want to say that I think your an awesome mom and lady! Just by reading your posts about your son and even about his GF I can just feel your ultimate love and concern about them both. I think they are both lucky to have you around and be so extremely nice to help them get their start with their first place.
Anyways. I just wanted to share that with ya and I'm glad all is working out and that there are no hurt feelings, as I know that can make things a lot harder than necessary.
I have to agree with Sassy...Lillybelle, you are the ultimate in caregiving moms. You are a true nurturer. I know a lot of the replies you've gotten have been a bit adamant that you not be taken advantage of, but my point in my long post about my sordid past is that if my parents had been a bit more nurturing to me while I was in my late teens/early twenties, and made sure I was self-sustainable before just unceremoniously kicking me out when I was of age to do so, maybe I wouldn't have been in the predicament I was in in my late 20's, always having to glom on to someone else to survive. I'm not 'blaming' my parents for my mistakes, but a little more preparation for adulthood would have been nice...
And...for the record...I was on the pill when I got pregnant with my daughter. And, also, now that I'm 40 (and officially a grown up?) you should all know that my daughter and I are in a wonderful spot. We turned out just great, in spite of having a bumpy start. She's now in Junior High...is in band and choir, was in the high school play because she has a fabulous singing voice...was on honor roll every semester this year, except for the last semester when she was on HIGH honor roll and, this summer, she's in the school marching band. She's quite the kid, that's for sure. And, I'm married and have been a stay-at-home mom for over five years. So, all was not lost for me...after I graduated college (thanks to my awesome gramma for letting me crash at her place with my baby while I finished up) and lived on my own for a couple years, I met my husband at Kodak, where I got a great job as a secretary and things really started looking up and have been looking up ever since. Just had to make sure everyone knows that I'm no longer a juvenile delinquent (well, MOST of the time )
I have a master's in psychology and was a probation officer for several years, and it took me years to understand the "learned helplessness" so common in people who have had rough lives. The only thing you and your son can do to help her overcome it is to praise her like the dickens for every small step she makes to take control and responsibility for her life.
I also taught community college (early childhood classes mostly) and had many students that needed the remedial education. The programs are great, and while she'll have to work hard, most do a great job of bringing students "up to speed," often in a way that allows them to take "regular" classes at the same time they build their skills. I had one student, who was nearly illiterate, but she worked her butt off for a "C" which she barely managed using every extra credit opportunity I gave. I had to admire her courage, and hope she was able to overcome her rough start.
Anyway, back to the topic of your son and his girlfriend. You may want to check out if there are Yahoo "Free Cycle" groups in your area. People post stuff they are giving away free, and things they are looking for. Furniture and household supplies, even computers come up for offer frequently, and I've even seen people giving working appliances and even once in a while things like working motor cycles or beater cars.
Thanks everyone so much for the help and encouragment I have received with this difficult situation. It is all working out. A friend at DH's work had an extra microwave she donated and another friend had a good couch for $50.00 . They want 2 bean bag chairs and these are cheap and can be bought at Walmart. Last night while we were shooting fireworks my son said, "they are just kicking us out nicely". Me and DH just laughed and said we're trying to do what is necessary to help you on the way to becoming responsible adults. He smiled and said "I know, it's time we had our own place". I said if "things get rough, we can always talk about it, but I want you to give this new life a good shot. He said, " I know this is what we need". I am proud of him and feel that he will try to be responsible.
I'll tell you how my parents got rid of my sister and me (she was 22 and I was 24)...
They emigrated!!!
Yup, they left the house before I did (I stayed to sell up and sort some of their stuff out).
A little drastic for most people, but it worked. To be honest, I was preparing to move out anyway, but I had an agreement with them that I could stay til I qualified into my career (which was a year away at the time) to save up for a while for a deposit. But it definitely gave me that kick I needed...
My son got his orders for the Army Training today and he won't be leaving until July 28th. We found him a very nice apartment at a place called "The Links" which is a golf course. The cost is only $400.00 monthly plus electricity which runs $75.00 monthly. He is very excited because a free golf membership is included and he loves golf. They are set with Stove, Refrigerator, Washer and Dryer all included in apartment. They will also have a nice pool there, work-out room, (he's very much in to being "Buff" as he calls it), and a computer room for all the occupants. He is very happy and the apartment is supposed to be ready on July 15th. GF on the other hand only said one thing "Can I still get a puppy". I had to bite my tongue. This is a nice place and no pets allowed. My son just rolled his eyes at her and said "Just give it up about a stupid dog for now". He is sick of it. Anyway, less than 2 weeks til they move.
Lilybelle . . .I'm so happy to hear that everything is working out so well! I know you were very concerned about talking with them, and the right way, but you are such a good person, and mother, and you did everything in such the right way! I'm so happy for you and your DH!!!
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