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Old 06-26-2006, 10:17 AM   #46
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And just so you know, hon, I didn't take offense to your post. But I was trying to get my point across without having to go into too much detail (in my previous posts) and it looks like I needed to spill a few beans with my last one, lol.
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Old 06-26-2006, 12:17 PM   #47
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Kaplods: Exact post!

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Originally Posted by LLV
Has everyone completely missed everything I've said?
No. But let's be fair. We can only respond to what you tell us - and from our experience.

I was married for 24 years. To me (and obviously to others), going out "ALMOST every weekend" is a LOT when one is married and has a child.

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What my whole 'beef' was about is that on SOME of the weekends that Kathy and I want to go by ourselves, he starts acting insecure. And I perfectly understand why. I'm aware he feels that especially since I've lost all this weight that men are going to start hitting on me (believe me, they won't, I'm sure none of them want anything to do with me) and I was basically looking for a simple, "No, Linda, there's nothing wrong with wanting to go out with your friend once in a while."
We were pointing out why he may feel insecure, because it seemed (at least to me) that you didn't see it that way. Many people DID say that there isn't anything wrong with going out with your friend once in a while. I was unaware that you only wanted to hear that you are right. Frankly, I think the situation could be handled differently and I thought THAT is what you wanted - advice.

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And he goes to his friend's house a lot. And I don't mean just the two of them sit over there together like bumps on logs staring at the sports on TV, this guy's house is party central.
You didn't mention anything about the condition of Sean's place previously. With new information (or more information) likely comes new or different advice.

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So dammit, a girl's night out without being made to feel like the biggest heel on the face of the earth would be nice!!!
Once again, we were only commenting on the information that was given to us.

One more thing, when you tell him that he can trust you and he doesn't seem to believe you, it's likely because sometimes things happen that a person doesn't intend to happen.

"Me thinks thou do protest too much."
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Old 06-26-2006, 12:41 PM   #48
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I think for some of us, me anyway, your posts were a bit confusing regarding what the issue really is. In your first post, your frustration (I mean heck, pathetic is a pretty strong word) seemed very intense regarding his coming along as much if not more than his insecurities. And since we can only go by the information given, his reaction certainly didn't seem pathetic. I surely assumed that almost every weekend was a lot more than half, and that this was an issue that was a lot more frequent than what, every five months or so (if he's with you 8 times out of ten, and you're going out every other weekend)?

Your situation is obviously a lot more complicated than any of us here can truly understand or help with. Personally, I would suggest marriage counseling, as if your husband can be "talked into " infidelity, you problems are a little bit bigger than an occasional girls night out. If he has cheated on you, it certainly would explain his paranoia that you might, though not why you wouldn't have a problem with him going to his friend's every week, knowing what has gone on there. Obviously this isn't a simple situation of a little insecurity, but deeper issues of trust and commitment, for both of you. Then again, I realize that "obviously" may be a poor choice of words, as I do not know your exact situation, only what you have shared.
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Old 06-26-2006, 12:46 PM   #49
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Okay, I'll be the one to say it, "No, Linda, there is nothing wrong with wanting to go out with your friend once in a while."

As for your SO's comments and behaviors I agree completely with you that they are, at best, annoying as all get out and, at worst, inapproprate. However, just because the way he expresses his feelings is out of line doesn't mean the feelings themselves are...and that is what you have to get to the core of. I would never assume that your weight loss is the one and only cause of any variance in your relationship. But, 83 pounds is a BIG change. Like it or not, being a thinner person makes you a different person. You may not have changed a bit in terms of morality, ethic, desire, etc. You have admitted, though, that you are more social, I am sure your self esteem and confidence are higher (even if they weren't low to begin with). You may still be the exact same person, but your behaviors are shifting with your new body. If you have been overweight since the inception of your relastionship it is no wonder your weight loss is taking a toll on your SO. You are a completely different person on the outside and you are going to have to prove that the principles you built your relationship on are still on the inside.

To that end, you really might consider asking your friends (meaning yours and his) to take a backseat for a while. I'm not suggesting you not go out at all, and I understand that he goes with you much of the time but maybe it would help to focus on JUST each other and your son until he feels secure again. It sounds like you spend plenty of time together in general but maybe you both need some time to really, really, concentrate on each other an your relationship and that can't usually be done out in a group of friends. Once you've pampered your "new" relationship a bit you will probably be able to get back to a more social routine.

Also, you have emphasized that you never give him a hard time about going out with his friends or hanging out at party central (even though he's been "talked into sexual favors" by another woman there). Consider, too, that a lack of reaction to his social behaviors could feed his insecurites. I'm not saying that he is trying to make you jealous or that you should pretend to be jealous if you aren't. Still, letting him know that just because you don't mind him hanging out with friends doesn't mean you don't miss him when he's gone could go a long way in stroking his ego and making him feel more confident in his relationship with you. In fact, it may not be that he minds YOU going out with your friend as much as he is concerend that you don't miss him when you do.

On a side note, I think I do know how you feel in terms of going out with friends. Now that I have lost weight I see the world differently. I can enjoy social settings without worrying about how I look or being the fattest person in the room. I feel young again and I want to enjoy that (I'm only 37 but two years ago at 214 pounds I felt 60!). Having three small children means that I can't always do that with my husband, even though that would be my first choice. Still, I don't want to miss the opportunity to get dressed up, go out, and feel pretty. And I admit that I LIKE to finally be flirted with and given attention by someone who isn't my husband. I know for certain that my husband finds me attractive regardless of my size. But, he loves me, so he doesn't see me through the eyes of the rest of the world. It is a real kick to know that others see me as approachable and, frankly, DH reaps the benefits of how that makes me feel on the rare occasions that I do go out with a group of girlfriends. I get together with friends on a regular basis but only about twice a year does that include going out-out. Usually, it is dinner and a movie, not bars and club scenes. When we do decide to head out for a "wilder" night without our husbands or boyfriends I know mine realizes I might flirt and be flirted with. But he also knows I'm coming home and that any flirting is more about exercising a new social skill not a way to escape my very happy home life. Plus, he doesn't dance so he knows it is just as well that he stay at home with the kids. Otherwise, he's going to have to hit the floor with me and have a miserable time! LOL.

Even with that said, though, there is nowhere I would really rather be than with my husband and children. My going out (with or without DH) is a very rare occasion. We have an obligation to our children for family nights, etc. and my desire to enjoy feeling young again is much further down on my list of priorities. I will admit that going out almost every weekend and your SO spending every Saturday at a friends house seems excessive. I'm not judging your circumstance, just pointing out that yours is not as traditional a relationship as some of us who are offering you advice have. That is going to impact how we percieve your situation.
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Old 06-26-2006, 01:41 PM   #50
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I was married to someone for a very long time that would never go out, so I went without him. He was a nurse that worked evenings, so I was so lonely and did alot of "girls nights". I felt more single than married--almost like having a roommate. This eventually drifted us so far apart we could not get back together, and eventually ended our marriage.

Now I have a partner whom I wouldn't even think about going without him anywhere. We are practically inseparable. Just about the only time we aren't together is when we are at work. We love each other's company and WANT to be together. The people we socialize with are all couples that enjoy nights at the local pub or entertaining at their homes. I think we are very fortunate in that respect.

It sounds like you have a good handle on your part. There's really not much you can do about your partner's insecurity. It sounds like something he will have to work out himself. You can't make him feel safe...and guess what? It's not your responsibility to do so.

JMHO, as always....
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Old 06-26-2006, 02:41 PM   #51
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ms. Shapen
Kaplods:
One more thing, when you tell him that he can trust you and he doesn't seem to believe you, it's likely because sometimes things happen that a person doesn't intend to happen.
No, I've never screwed around on my husband.

And as far as "protesting too much", my apologies. I'll shut the **** up now.

Thanks for everyone's advice, but a topic like this gets too confusing because it's too hard to sit down and write out every single little aspect of the situation. So I think we should just let this one go because I'm obviously pissing people off and that was never my intention
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Old 06-26-2006, 02:51 PM   #52
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I should have never brought something this personal into a seas of strangers.

Lesson learned.
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Old 06-26-2006, 03:24 PM   #53
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I'm having a moderator close the thread. I think this one is done and I have no desire to get into arguments with people here over stupid stuff.

I'll just be careful in the future what I bring to these boards.
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