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Old 06-22-2006, 12:54 PM   #16
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Can you limit your time out with your girlfriend? I think once a week (at least for my marriage) would be way too much. How about going out with your gal pals once a month or so and spending the rest of your weekends finding a sitter and doing romantic, fun things with your guy?

Also, if you turned the situation around... If your partner had lost a lot of weight and was looking fabulous and was going out on weekends with his guy friends... How would you feel about it? Personally, I would feel awful if my husband did this to me. I admit that I can be a little jealous at times and his being gone with his buddies rather than at home with me and our kids would make me feel lonely, depressed and really mad all at the same time.
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Old 06-22-2006, 01:37 PM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by liz321
We all have times in our relationships when we feel vulnerable and "needy".....and I think that is part of the give and take.

It sounds like maybe you do want to be single? Is that an option for you?

L
No, it's not. We have a son together and I do love Matthew. I just hate it when he acts like this.
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Old 06-22-2006, 01:38 PM   #18
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Originally Posted by Mummy_Tummy
I can understand your frustration with him being clingy and I can definitely understand the need to get out of the house and away from the kids for awhile. But then, you say you go out almost every week end with your friend. That's not just "sometimes".
Matthew goes with us most of the time. Plus he gets out of the house every day to work, then goes to his friend Sean's every Saturday night. And I DON'T make him feel guilty for it because I honestly don't mind that he goes. Like with me and Kathy, knowing each other for 25 years, him and his friend Sean have been buds since high school. And they like spending time together, which I perfectly understand. I don't lay a guilt trip on him every time he goes over there.

So why can't I go out one night a week too?
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Old 06-22-2006, 01:43 PM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Goodbye Chubby
Does he have friends that he goes out with? Maybe a boy's night out and a girl's night out on the same night could be a good compromise (assuming you can find a baby-sitter).
Yes, he hangs with his friend Sean every weekend, especially during football season. He goes over there every Saturday and they watch football together all day and night.
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Old 06-22-2006, 01:45 PM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Quirky1
Also, if you turned the situation around... If your partner had lost a lot of weight and was looking fabulous and was going out on weekends with his guy friends... How would you feel about it?
He already does. And I don't mind a bit. Him and his friend Sean have gotten together on a regular basis since I met them both. I WANT them to keep their friendship.

I guess I should also mention that when I was heavy, I stayed locked up in my house for years. My friend Kathy tried hundreds of times to get me to go out, but I just wouldn't. So it's nice to finally start getting out again and enjoy myself.
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Old 06-22-2006, 01:47 PM   #21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by not2fat2bpretty

I know the feeling too of trying to lose weight or losing weight and your DH hasn't,
Well, he doesn't need to. He works out and has a pretty nice body
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Old 06-22-2006, 01:48 PM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sandi D
I dont know, everyone should have separate together and alone I guess, But When my husband was alive, I only wanted to be with him, I wish he was still around to be with, I miss him so.
Be careful you might get what you wish for and be alone.
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That... was just a little harsh. I know you're trying to slap me in the face with reality, but saying something like that is a little cruel.
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Old 06-22-2006, 02:17 PM   #23
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Ahh, I see. I didn't realize that he has his night out, too. It sounded like you landed him with the kid and took off, hehe. I think every marriage is different and so the "rules" are different, based solely upon what is acceptable to the couple. Have you discussed this with him? In his defense, it sounds like he is really, really trying to be supportive of your need to get out of the house and just gets overwhelmed sometimes and says silly things for attention. I think the only advice to offer in this case is to communicate very honestly with each other.
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Old 06-22-2006, 02:52 PM   #24
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Seems to me that "Your Man" has some fear going on. You've lost weight, you feel good about yourself, & you're out there having fun. He probably harbors a little resentment that you're not home all the time, there when *HE* wants you to be there, etc. And he may even feel threatened, that you might meet someone else & leave him.

These are very valid fears. And altho he doesn't *mean to* he is projecting his fear on you. Those comments he makes that irritate you so much - it's like he's trying to make you feel "guilty" that you've lost weight & chose to spend time with your friend - which, by the way, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

Maybe you just need to do some "reassurance" work on your hubby. If he needs some sort of validation, give it to him. Men are just big ol' babies. They need-need-need. But hey, so do we, in more ways than one.

Please don't feel guilty about going out w/your friend! - that's what friends are for! Once a week is not too much; I think that's just about right. We all need our "girly-girl" time, and our women friends are very important to our well-being. So don't give that up.

Does she have a husband or S.O.? If so, maybe y'all could all do something together, you know, as couples. Just a thought!
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Old 06-22-2006, 02:59 PM   #25
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It sounds to me like there is a communication problem going on here. I know I really have to lay it on the line with my husband if I want him to know how I feel. In other words if I don't spell it out for him he doesn't see it and he doesn't think that it is a big deal. Maybe you just need to tell him that you still love him and nothing has changed. You might also just tell him exactly what you are feeling because if you don't he won't get it. Me do not read minds at all.

You have to be very specific and say it like "when you do this..." it makes me feel like "this". My husband is not very good with expressing his own feelings most of the time I only get three expressions mad,mellow, and happy. Anything on the bad end and I get the mad one. Most of the time I just get the mellow. Rarely do I ever feel like I make him happy. Not that I feel like I don't, he is just not an emotional touchy feely type. GO figure. It has taken me a while to learn how to not take him personally (18 years/ married 12). When he is mad at anything I used to feel like he was always mad at me. It took a while to learn how to not be so sensitive myself.

Anyway, I think that if you just call a spade a spade and tell him exactly how it is, right now. It will keep things in check and keep you from getting really mad and actually breaking it off with him. Compressed feelings will either snuff out or explode. Who knows? Deal with him now and have a real heart to heart talk before serious damage happens.
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Old 06-22-2006, 03:56 PM   #26
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SOME men are pathetic. SOME women are pathetic. What is really pathetic . . . okay maybe "sad" is a better word . . . is when two people have spent so much time toghether, but can't/don't communicate.

LLV: You said that before you lost weight, you stayed home. After you lost weight, you started going out. IMHO, this would bother anyone who is in a committed relationship. You weren't interested in going out until you looked good. Men are visual creatures, so it wouldn't surprise me that it translates into him thinking that you are going out to get attention from other men. Or it translates into him just knowing what other guys are after. It isn't unheard of for people - men and women - to have affairs. It isn't that he doesn't trust you, but that he doesn't trust the unknown.

You also said that you go out sometimes and sometimes is every weekend. Personally, I think that's a lot, but if he is at Sean's every weekend, then I guess that evens the points. Another member said that we need friends, and that's true, but you can keep in touch by phone or email.

It may not be THAT you are going. It may be WHERE you are going. Does your "going out" mean going to clubs or bars? It doesn't sound like you are out at the mall. There is a huge difference (at least to me) for you to be at a club and Matthew is at Sean's house.

And finally, I think his comments are a cry for your attention and for some acknowledgement that he is still valued. I think that you should see your friend one weekend a month, he should see Sean one weekend a month and make a date with each other the other two weekends.
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Old 06-22-2006, 04:36 PM   #27
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WEll, I know we are all different, but I had plenty of time as a single person and the only time I went to bars/clubs was when I was on the prowl. I'm not saying that this is why you go out with your girlfriend, and maybe you are just looking for some attention to show off your new figure... It's a totally free world and you should feel free to do what you want, but you have to expect this to instill some insecurities in your DH. He's a man...and he knows how men think...and since I've gotten the impression that you're going out to bars with Kathy, he knows that men assume that if a girl is in a bar, she's prowling. You may not be, but men that see you out will think you are and DH will be knowing that you're out there with this assumption going on in the male population's mind. He probably trusts you, but going to bars will dwindle this trust ...bars are nothing but trouble for a relationship if you don't go there with DH.

I totally agree with wanting friendships outside of your household. I'm a stay-at-home mom and I LOVE sitting over an iced tea with a pile of girlfriends talking about the teachers at school or the sleezy lady down at the marina and things...on the first Wednesday of the month for lunch-type thing.

As I said...you're free to do what you want, but IMHO, going to bars...or making a habit of going out every single weekend on friday night with someone other than your DH is asking for trouble in your relationship.

Basically, your DH should be your very best friend and you should want to be spending most of your spare time with him if you get my drift. I know you love him, but you're being annoyed with him and you wanting to escape from him and your house every weekend sounds like the beginnign of the end to me. I've had TONS of ended relationships in my life, and that was always the first sign of doom for me. Hope this doesn't mean the same for you.
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Old 06-22-2006, 05:06 PM   #28
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I too lost a husband and I don't think Sandi D's post was cruel at all. A lot of people DON'T realize what they have until it's gone.

Also, I agree with Ms. Shapen...
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Old 06-22-2006, 05:34 PM   #29
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Just kind of read through the thread again, and I think everything is getting a bit out proportion.

I'm just going to speak here from my own experience: relationships last a long time, and during that time there is going to be an ebb and flow. Sometimes things "click" and all you want to do is spend time with each other, at other times interests kind of wander a bit and each will (or one or the other will) be pulling just a little bit in a different direction. A strong relationship is one where people can move through all of these different times without causing a major disruption to the fundumental health of the partnership.

I don't think that LLV was EVER saying that she did not want to spend time with her guy- just that she wanted there to be room for her to not be with him, and for that to be okay. Yes, he says that "it's okay", but actions speak so much louder than words.

And, as far as "prowling" is concerned: don't paint me (for one) with that brush. Just because one person only goes to out in order to go home with someone doesn't mean that that is the only reason I go out. I go out to laugh, to share, to make new memories, to refresh myself. (Not that I do it much, but it does happen ). I would be very resentful if anyone ever insinuated that the only reason I was going to spend the evening with a friend was because I wanted to cheat! I could only imagine that the person had the lowest level of respect for my character.

And, finally, there is such a thing as blowing off steam. Hey, we all get frustrated at times and there are times a situation just seems hopeless until some time has passed, or we've had a chance to voice that frustration. That does not mean that a relationship is in danger.
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Old 06-22-2006, 05:39 PM   #30
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I'll just throw my opinion out there, too, for what it's worth.

I had a couple of thoughts reading through the emails. At first, I thought that the problem was you going out and he staying home every weekend but then you said he went and spent time with his buds each Saturday. You kind of contradicted, though, when initially I think you said he'd gotten to be a jelly belly since you'd lost weight but when someone mentioned his weight you said he worked out and had a nice body? So now I'm totally confused. But from what I can decipher my opinion would be that he went through all of those years of you being heavy and refusing to go out with your friend...but now that you've lost weight you're ready to party. I'm sure he's not the only one who would step back and wonder what that was about. If you were really just wanting so much time with Kathy then you would have had that time when you were fat, too.

Also, I have to wonder, if you're out every Friday, and he's out every Saturday, and when you aren't out you're irritating each other about whether or not you're going out together during the upcoming weekend, when do you go out and play as a family? I think your son may be getting the shortest end of this stick.

All that being said...sometimes when we're totally ticked off we vent only the bad and in your defense and his, we don't get the benefit of seeing what is good in your relationship at the moment...so our opinions are all biased, anyway.

My advice would be to choose who is most important to you. Is it Kathy or your husband? Then, act accordingly....and I'm not meaning givine her up if he's most important. But I am meaning put his feelings first when you're making plans with her. Time with her could be the movies, a coffee shop, the mall, etc...it doesn't have to be spent bar-hopping.

And lastly...if she is truly a concerned friend she will absolutely step up to the plate and help you keep your home life as happy as your play life.

Wishing you all the best!
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