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Is my marriage screwed? Advice PLEASE!!

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Old 02-22-2006, 04:28 PM   #1
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Unhappy Is my marriage screwed? Advice PLEASE!!

I know this can be a tough crowd, but what I need are blunt, honest replies! Am I being totally unreasonable?


When I moved in with Stewart (my H) back in June he told me not to worry about paying any of the bills because he knew that I still had my trailer and all the bills associated with it to pay. Around August he looked at me one night while we were watching TV and said: "You know, I don't think it's right that I'm paying all the bills and your just getting to keep all of your money."

I *calmly* reminded him of the discussion that we'd had in June when he told me not to worry about paying anything and told him that when I paid off or sold my trailer I'd help him. Since then he has been CONSTANTLY (at least twice a month) reminding me that I need to be helping him with the light bill and the water bill.

I paid the December light bill even though I didn't have any extra money because I though he'd be happy with that for awhile. Well, I sold my trailer in January. This is the 1st month I've not had a payment on it, so I can't really tell a difference financially yet.

Saturday night he started on that thing about me paying half the bills again. I told him I would if he would figure out what half was and tell me what he wanted me to pay. Keep in mind that up until now all we have ever talked about me paying was half the water and half the electric (which were the bills that increased after I moved in)...... Well, last night he came in and told me he wants me to pay him $200/month to live there.

I wasn't expecting him to want that much, and my reaction was shock. I asked him what was $400 and he said the lights, water, phone, house payment, dish network and house insurance premiums. I told him that I didn't mind paying the lights and water, but I feel that the rest of those are his bills--
1. it's "his" house (he keeps reminding me of that) and I moved into it--it's not "our" house.
2. I don't need a house phone and I don't feel as though I should have to pay for his. It's HIS--my name is not in the phone book and I don't give that number to people. I have had a house phone 8 months out of the last five years and that was when I lived in an area where I didn't have cell service. When I told him that he said that if that was the case I needed to keep my G--d a$$ off his phone. (The only time I use that phone is when I answer it--and it's usually for him!! Or my MIL calling for me)
3. I didn't ask him to get dish network and he didn't ask me if I wanted it. He purchased it on his own and signed an 18 month contract on it. Now he wants me to pay half of it. I won't even go into the problems we're having with it (Just think late night and early morning programming!!)
4. The house is HIS house. I moved into it. He'd have the same payment on it whether I lived there or not. He's told me before that if "we" do ever buy a house that he's getting it in his and his dad's name so that if we ever get divorced I won't have a claim to it--or if he dies I won't be able to sell what he worked for. I'm sorry, but this attitude does NOT make me want to contribute to the payment of "his" house.

Am I being unreasonable? A part of me feels guilty because I'm not being the "good little wife" and just GIVING him $200/month, but the other part of me thinks that $200 is a LOT of money. $200 is RENT!!

Let me also say this: I suggested that we open a joint checking account to pay the bills from--I put in $250 and he put in $250--he was TOTALLY opposed to that idea.

Help
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Old 02-22-2006, 04:35 PM   #2
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Oh my goodness!! How long have you been married? Do you have children? It sounds like there are no children involved and if not, I think you need to get out. That's not a loving marital relationship you are in. When you are married, everything belongs to both of you. He doesn't get to tell you to get off the phone.

I am staying in my marriage because of my children. But if I was you and there were no children, I'd get out while the getting is good. There are way better relationships you could be in than that - you'd be better off just dating someone and not being bossed around. I'm sorry if this isn't what you want to hear - but if you only knew how many times I have wished I had gotten out before I had children. Now it is much more complicated.

Please have more respect and love for yourself than to live like that!!
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Old 02-22-2006, 04:35 PM   #3
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Wow...I'm gonna assume here that ya'll have been separated in the past, right? Which explains why you both had your own places. Honestly, you should've kept your own place. It sounds like he's trying to do "selective memory" and basically get you to pay half, if not all of the bills. When it comes to the phone, I would just refuse to pay that if you never make phone calls. Heck, you can buy a cell phone of your own to avoid this. Furthermore, it seems very weird to me that it's "his" house and not "our" house, especially since ya'll are married! Either you share all the way, or this marriage doesn't have a snowball chance in heck. I would demand to see all of the bills upfront instead of just taking his word for it, sit down and go over each bill to determine how much is half. That's my fair assesment of it. IF he doesn't like it or doesn't want to do it, you're seriously gonna have to think about moving.
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Old 02-22-2006, 04:37 PM   #4
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You have a lot of issues to deal with... power issues are often worked out as money issues. Hard to say what else is going on here... no physical or emotional abuse? Alchoholism or drug use? There is no mention of love, or what you want in your post. Each state has its own laws about the default rules as to the legal characteristics of property owned prior to the marriage... sounds like you need a marriage counselor and a lawyer... sorry that I can't be more positive.
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Old 02-22-2006, 04:42 PM   #5
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Wow, Im a little confused, if you are married, why are things still this seperate, I mean I get some seperate stuff but this is everything, why is that? Also if you get divorced he doesnt want you to have part of it, but he wants you to contribute to it? And if he dies he doesnt want you taken care of? That doesnt sound like a marriage, this sounds like a room mate agreement. If he wants to be married, then he should want to share his life, and his things with you, he should want you to be taken care of if something should happen to him. Thats what love is, its the sharing of 2 people. I also understand that we live in a world of divorce and you should always take care of yourself and be aware, but this seems a little extreme, and very pessimistic. Have y'all thought of marrige counseling? i wish you the best of luck, but I really think this is going to be a huge burden until y'all get this worked out, and you just giving in without any sort of compromise, will not be helping any. This is just my opinion. I hope it helps, and like I said good luck!!
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Old 02-22-2006, 04:44 PM   #6
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I am so sorry you are in this position. You asked for brutal honesty, here goes....Why wouldn't he want your or his name on papers if you had a new house? He doesn't plan on being with you forever. He doesn't care enough to think you would deserve it to sell or do whatever with if he were to pass on. He is ridiculous. You do not have a marriage, but more of an arrangement it sounds like to me. I agree.....Get out...and do it fast.

Cut your losses and find someone that WILL love you and more importantly RESPECT you, because you are getting NO respect from that man.
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Old 02-22-2006, 05:00 PM   #7
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HAHA!!! Sounds all to familiar to me!! Sorry for laughing,it is not directed to you!Just the situation.

Heres some advice~DO NOT HAVE A JOINT BANK ACCOUNT!!!!He can take ALL the money in it and you can't do a thing about it!

try to check the bills for the last 6 months to see how they fluctuate in price,I think you have to pay 1/2 of SOME of these bills if you expect to stay in this marriage,otherwise he will not stop bothering you about it!

Sounds to me he want's a room mate not a wife!Do you think you are worth more than what he treats you??I hope so.....
Take care and good luck!
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Old 02-22-2006, 05:06 PM   #8
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Have y'all thought of marrige counseling?

I told him I thought we needed it and he said flat out "No." End of that discussion.

Hard to say what else is going on here... no physical or emotional abuse? Alchoholism or drug use?

How funny that you should ask. . . The only "problem" I've had with that is him calling me dumb a$$ and remarking on my weight at times (he accused me of breaking the toilet because I "sit on it too hard"?). I don't know if that's emotional abuse or me being overly sensitive again. We have had a problem with his drinking, but he says he just does it to flush out his kidneys.

I'm gonna assume here that ya'll have been separated in the past, right? Which explains why you both had your own places.

Nope. We got married in November of 2004 but I lived 250 miles away from him. I moved in with him in June of 2005, but didn't sell my trailer until Jan of 2006. So until I sold my trailer in January I was having to drive 500 miles twice a month in the summer (from when I moved in with him in June--so that's June, July, August, and September) to maintain it and keep the lawn mowed and once/month after that.
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Old 02-22-2006, 05:09 PM   #9
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Heres some advice~DO NOT HAVE A JOINT BANK ACCOUNT!!!!He can take ALL the money in it and you can't do a thing about it!

We got $1,700 in tax returns last year, routed into his checking account. I got $600 of it because I had to have my truck serviced--AFTER I gave him the invoice showing that the work was done.

He was "trying to teach me how to save money."
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Old 02-22-2006, 05:25 PM   #10
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I am definately not an expert...after all, I'm only 19. But this does NOT sound like a healthy relationship at all. Like the ladies before me have said, this is a MARRIAGE, and the things (house/cars/whatever) should be BOTH of yours. Sounds like he's on a power trip, and honestly, it doesn't sound like there is a lot of love there. You could find someone who would love you and treat you a lot better than that. Again, I'm definately not an expert... Good luck in whatever you decide to do, hun. Keep us informed.
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Old 02-22-2006, 05:25 PM   #11
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Im so sorry about this, but if he us unwilling to go to counseling then you have your answer, he doesnt want to be married, and you need to leave. Big hugs sister, hang in there, and dont settle for a man that doesnt love you properly and doesnt respect you.
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Old 02-22-2006, 05:29 PM   #12
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If you want someone to be blunt.. my suggestion is get out now before he starts telling you what to wear and how to act ect!

I think it's ******ed that he would do that... If my husband tried that crap i'd say "See ya".

I'm not saying that you shouldn't help with the bills.. i mean.. my husband pays everything because i am home with the boys (actually i pay the car insurance ) and It would be dumb for me to work and put 2 boys in daycare...

BUT if he said he'd like you to help pay (or pay) the electric and water bills and you agreed on that before then he shouldn't expect you to pay all thoes other bills to live in the house... it almost seems like he wants to you pay to live with your own husband?... what if you were disabled for some reason... and couldn't pay anything.. would he kick you out?
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Old 02-22-2006, 05:34 PM   #13
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Is your marriage screwed? I am afraid the only honest answer I can give is yes. If my husband acted like that, he would no longer BE my husband. If you are working, I see no reason why you should not contribute to the bills, but his attitude is scary. Why ever should you pay rent? Or for half the bills, especially if he is not willing to consider you joint owner in your mutual property. You need counseling, and if he refuses, go by yourself. Your situation is NOT normal. As others have said, it sounds more like a room mate situation.
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Old 02-22-2006, 05:52 PM   #14
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if he is so keen on the idea of having his dad's name on the house, maybe *they* should get married.
he doesn't respect you, so i would say get out before he steals all your money. "teaching you how to save.." yeah, right.
this guy doesn't know how to treat a lady. he's not a real man, he's just a little-boy-bully. i'm surprised he doesn't pull your hair and throw rocks at you.
good luck honey!
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Old 02-22-2006, 05:55 PM   #15
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This is certainly a difficult situation, and one I would never want to find myself in. Well... actually I'm not sure how difficult it is. As someone else mentioned, you have not said anything about 'love'. From that, if I can assume that either you are not sure if you love him, or whether he loves you, then the decision would be extremely simple. LEAVE!

The only way this decision would be difficult is if there was a deep love involved, then I could see that you would not want to leave. But, and I say this sincerely, you should NOT ever put up with behaviour like this from a husband. Marriage is a joint venture and it sounds as though he wants to have his cake and eat it too. You haven't mentioned a physical relationship, but I truly feel that this may be the only reason he wants you around, well... other than financially now of course. There is NO way he should be talking about 'his' house in that way and not protecting you in case something happened. He has not accepted this marriage as he should, and that would be enough for me to say 'bye'.

On the other hand, if I am wrong, and there is a deep love here, then perhaps you could try to go to counselling on your own for a few sessions and get some ideas for yourself before trying again to get him to attend with you. But I feel as though he may still not want to go, which means that he isn't willing to fight for this 'marriage'.

I am truly sorry you are going through this, but I do believe that if you look at the situation clearly enough you will come to the right decision.

Take care,

Zelma

P.S. My husband has NEVER said anything nasty about my weight, and I'm not sure I would 'like' him if he did, let alone love him. This on its own tells me that something is just not right.
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