I say...
#1-get some counseling for yourself it's the best thing that I did for myself living with a controlling man. I always had low self esteem and am very co-dependent. My Dad was an alcoholic with a very sharp tongue. He and my Mom divorced when I was 3 so thankfully he didn't live in the same house but that didn't mean that I escaped the hurt. I dated several "nice" guys but never felt that I was "worthy". I now stand my ground and the "control-freak" is manageable without me having to be a doormat.
#2- If you don't have a job to give you some income--get one--the support you get from coworkers will help your self esteem and being out of the house will do wonders for you
#3- Keep a separate bank account and tuck a little each paycheck away in savings so that you can enable yourself the option of leaving--if it gets worse leave and contact CASA or another women's shelter group--they will help you find housing and get you out of an abusive situation
#4- Sit down with your hubby and come up with a budget based on the household expenses versus each of your income. I was a stay at home mom until the kids went to school so hubby paid all joint expenses, then I went to work part-time and took over the phone bill and electric and he paid mortgage & groceries. Then he was laid off and I got promoted and began working full time and it switched. When he went back to work he paid mortgage and I paid for groceries, electric and phone (and I added cable). It works for us. A marriage is a partnership even with a control freak husband.
#5- do NOT bring kids into this relationship unless it can be fixed
and finally
#6--if he EVER becomes physically abusive leave & press charges.
If you get the counseling, you may realize that you do not deserve to be emotionally & verbally abused and that he may never change. Picture your life in five years--do you want to be where you are today with that much more baggage from the abuses?
You are NOT being selfish. No one deserves to be treated like an idiot, which is what he's doing. If you don't have kids, get out! stay with family or a friend. I know I'm young (24), but I do know that every woman deserves a man who worships the ground she walks on. I was with a guy for 4 years who NEVER ONCE referred to me as his girlfriend. He "wanted to keep his options open" and I was such a doormat I put up with it (he was the fist guy I ever dated). I finally grew some ovaries (like balls, but for girls) and dumped his cheatin' ***. I found the sweetest man in the world who would walk on broken glass for me if I told him too. Before I found him though i had to be comfy being by myself. I had to realize that it's okay to be by yourself. Being by yourself doesn't mean you're alone--that;s why you have friends and family!
Hon~you're in an abusive relationship!!!! You guys need counciling!!! He sounds like a real a$$!!!! Why are you married again??? I'd sit down an evaluate your situation!!!!! I wish you the best!
Hmmm... I've read through your "entire" thread and I've seen all the advice given and I'm just going to address the financial aspect because that is the root of your issues in your "initial post".
Honestly, I can understand his point of view as far as you contributing to the household. Did you go into the marriage thinking he was going to take care of you... was that the agreement? Ok,he told you that you did not have to worry about paying any of the bills because of your expenses relating to the trailer, I think it was implied that once the trailer sold you would contribute... not only was it implied YOU told him you would help out once you paid off or sold your trailer... so it's not unreasonable at all for him to expect that. Heck, if you went into it thinking you were going to live for free, then I'd say you were getting a pretty good deal! I WISH I could live on $200 a month. I have to agree with SherryA in that you would be hard pressed to find a place to live the that amount. Now granted I don't agree with any type of abuse... verbal or otherwise should not be tolerated.
He is not being unreasonable to expect you to help out... you're his wife, you're in a mariage, you should WANT to contribute, not because it would save him money but because he's not asking much, and I bet that if you did so, it would put an end to his griping. I could imagine he may have said the bit about putting a new house in he and his dad's name because you have not demonstrated you are willing to share and in the event things don't work out, why should he find himself homeless, especially if he's the one paying ALL the bills. I can see his frustration.
I was in a marriage for 13 years and for the most part it was good. Then things took a turn and I found myself paying ALL the bills. It got tired real fast. He was an adult working at a job for 20 years and slowly he stopped contributing to the household and it put a real strain on the marriage. After we separated I learned he had a substance abuse problem,, which explained alot.
The point is, when you are in a marriage, both parties should be willing to contribute without being asked, it's just the right thing to do... you have to work together. No one lives for free... especially in this day and age... marriage is a partnership. Also I have to add this... you moving in with him and having to commute back it forth... well, that was on you. If the love was there, you could have waited until your home sold to move seeing as you still had to pay the expenses for it!
Both of you sound a bit selfish... you more so then him... and him in reaction to you not doing what you said you would,do, and that is to help out.
You did ask for blunt, honest advice.
Last edited by ladylane06; 02-28-2006 at 04:31 AM.
Are you from the US or UK? How long have you been married?
Basically it depends on what you want IMO if you are paying bills (not just utility) towards the upkeep of the house you are acquiring a share in the equity of the home so if he wants you not to then you shouldn't be paying. But general bills gas and elec etc I think he definitely has a point. The contracts hes entered into without your consent should be down to him though. Can't you have a joint account just for utility bills and pay money into that and keep the rest of your earnings for you?
Also have you considered speaking to a lawyer just to find out where you stand in relation to the house - don't have a clue about US law.
I decided that I WILL help pay the bills, because I DO live there and I am his wife.
BUT!!!
Rather than just "giving" him $200 each month to do with as he pleases, I am going to pay the house payment, which is $212/month (plus any extra--to be applied directly to principal--if he feels I owe more that month).
My first experience with doing this resulted in the following conversation (which I found very funny):
Him: I really think you should be paying your share of the bills, and your share is $200.
Me: OK, that's fine. I paid the trailer payment yesterday (I did so w/o telling him what I was planning--you'll see why).
Him: You did what?
Me: I got the bill, wrote a check and paid it.
Him: Why didn't you give me the money so I could write a check?
Me: It was easier just to pay it.
Him: What are they going to think when they get your check for my bill.
Me: They're not going to think anything as long as the bill is getting paid. They probably don't even look that closely at the checks.
Him: Well, you should've given me the money and let me write the check. I'm the man of the house.
I don't know--something about that whole conversation struck me as sooooo funny.
But, thanks for all the advice--I DID take everything into great consideration. Bottom line was I just felt like I needed to pay. If I moved back in with my parents at this point I would feel obligated to pay, so why not with my husband? It was just a mental issue I had to work through--I've been living alone for so long it's hard to get used to "sharing."
Seriously though look after yourself make sure you know where you stand with home ownership and the like can you get anywhere that gives free legal advice or anything.
You never know whats going to happen in the future. Hopefully you've got a marriage for keeps but you want to be in a good position just incase you haven't.
This is not a marriage - it is a business relationship. A funny little thing happens when two people get married. They become one. Everything that was yours is now his and everything that was his is now yours. You jointly own everything unless you signed some type of pre-nup that states otherwise. Therefore, you have to make joint decisions on where your money goes. You don't pay your "part" - you don't have a "part". If that is the way he insists on living, you need to end it and get out.
My advice - go to DaveRamsey.com and learn about money and relationships. If you guys can't learn to handle money together, your marriage (or business relationship) is screwed....
Good for you! Just make sure that you pay for any bills with a check--that way you have legal proof you're contributing. Don't take his crap when he says, "but cash is easier." If you guys ever divorce, you'll need proof taht you helped pay bills!
Sounds like this is already solved...and I think you made the right decision to pay the bills, I was ready to chime in on that one. However, I don't think he should have *expected* you to pay them. Especially to pay on a house that he owns not you (not to mention $200 a month is a LOW LOW LOW house payment so he should just deal with it). You should talk to him about putting your name on it. Maybe if he has paid off half or less than half you can agree to put your name on it and pay the bill from now on, so it will be like you are paying your half of it. I do think when you get married everything becomes one, but he sounds like kind of a jerk to pressure you, in denial about his alcoholism, and an a$$ for making ANY comment about your weight. Maybe you both had unrealistic expectations...but before you go wasting any more money on him REALLY THINK about whether you love each other.
I can't imagine paying a house payment for someone with a drinking problem that stays up late watching questionable television, who tells me not only am I a "dumbass" but that I'm so fat I broke the toilet, who refuses to get marriage counseling, won't get a joint checking account OR ever put my name on the deed of a house, and then tells me he's the "man" of the house.
This whole thread inspires me to run into the next room and thank my s.o. for who he is and continues to be... a man who has never treated me with anything but the utmost respect.
Come on ladies, don't we deserve more than that treatment?
Thank you Smartbutt! I don't care if she's giving him 200 or 1000 dollars, she isn't being treated well and I hope that gets resolved more than any of the other issues being resolved. Yes, she should contribute, but she should also be treated well.
Blunt, huh? Hire the meanest son of a ***** lawyer you can find and get alimony. The situation you are explaining is ridiculous at best and it certainly sounds like emotional abuse. Make sure you know where all the money is, honey, and make sure you get at least half. I'm sure there's an ******* tax in your state.
I don't believe in staying for the kids, either. You'll teach your kids to either treat people like **** or be treated like **** themselves by your example.
"Flushing out his liver"? Please. That's great. How wonderful to discover that I'm not overeating, I'm exercising my digestive system!
You are worth the best and you will feel great once you reach out and grab it. I'm not saying it's easy but the situation you are in will just escalate and I think you're already seeing it.
I wish you the best of luck! My first reaction involved a baseball bat and his jaw...
By the way, your paying the mortgage with your check did two things: it controlled where the money went and it proved YOU paid it. Keep documenting everything you give him money for. Pay by check ONLY and USE THE MEMO line. Your future attorney will thank me.
hello ;
i have read your post and i do feel so sorry for you... honey, he is wrong. sure i think you should help with the bills. but sounds like he is making the rules as he goes. he has changed so many things as far as you are responsible for. and to tell you not to use the phone . oh no, he could not even think of telling me that. you can get your own cell phone. but i would not pay his. he has put the house in his and his daddy,s name. where does that leave you..... it does not sound like this will ever work. i wished you had not sold your trailer. but if worst comes to worst, let him go. he is going to keep you broke. honey, you can do bad by yourself. and as far as the bills go, i would have to see them. don't get a joint checking account. he would give me a reciept for every bill i helped him pay. i hope and pray you will be alright. we are all with you. hope to hear from you again and let us know how things are.....
You guys need counciling!!!
He sounds like a real a$$!!!!
Why are you married again???
I'd sit down an evaluate your situation!!!!! I wish you the best!
reply from buckaroo
