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Am I being unreasonable???

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Old 02-16-2006, 10:36 PM   #1
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Default Am I being unreasonable???

I have to get some neutral opinions on a situation my MIL has put my husband and I in. To give you a little background info, my MIL is very controlling and doesn't like it when her son doesn't do as she says, so the past 5 years have been rocky since my husband is pulling away and it ticks her off. She has been single for the past 27 and this last year she has finally met someone that she has fallen in love with. We are thrilled that she now has someone other than her only son to call and we are personally tired of dealing with all of her issues from money, to her pets, to her house needing repair. Well she is now engaged and we really like her fiance. The problem is that she has chosen the worst possible date for this wedding to take place. She chose the day before our 5th wedding aniversary and is now expecting us to cancel everything we had planned, we have a cabin already reserved at the coast and we have never celebrated our aniversay in the 5 years we have been happily married. She had enough nerve to try and convince me this was going to be her day and her weekend, I kindly informed her that it became MINE five years ago. She told us to celebrate another weekend. Her father and Step mother are not happy either since they are planning to be out of town at the same time for the graduation of their grand daughter. They would have to cut their trip way short and drive over 12 hours home to make it to the wedding, and the rest of my MIL's family will also be at this graduation and she wants them at the wedding too. She refuses to have it one weekend later or in July since that is when she first got married. I think she is being ridiculous since this is the second wedding for both of them and we think they should do something like getting married on a cruise ship. Sorry this is soo long, but I refuse to cancel my plans since there is nothing special about the day she picked other than it was the worst day she could have picked all year and she knows it. The first thing she told me was "I know this is the day after your wedding, but...." So should I can my plans and every year have to practically share my wedding day with my MIL or should we stick to our guns and force her to change the date???
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Old 02-16-2006, 10:42 PM   #2
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Wow, that woman has some control issues. I don't think you can really FORCE her to change her date, since it's her wedding and she can technically have it whenever she wants, but you can politely inform her that you already had plans-- and she KNEW you had plans but made it that day anyway. Whether or not she changes the date only depends on whether or not she wants her family there.
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Old 02-16-2006, 11:00 PM   #3
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hey, its your weekend, she knew that you were married on that date (even tho its the next day), as im sure she was there. you have your plans, and unfortunately she is being a petty person and putting you in a situation. here's the thing. you are an adult, your husband is an adult, and technically his mother is an adult. politely decline your invitation. she is aware that is a special day to you, and it was her selfishness that made you decline to go. what does your husband say? have you talked to her fiancee to reason with him?
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Old 02-16-2006, 11:07 PM   #4
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Thank you, I am glad I am not the only one who thinks she is controlling. I would understand if the date she picked was something important to them, like the date they met, or something, but it is not. She picked this date for the sole reason to see if everyone will drop their plans for her and if she doesn't she is going to turn me into a horrible DIL. She has already done that many times. An example is when we couldn't keep our dogs because our new landlord wouldn't allow them we asked if she could take them or we would find them other homes. Well she took them and proceeded to tell family and friends that I was going to have them put to sleep if she didn't step in and take them, this all went on while I was 7 months pregnant and jobless because of our move. Sorry to vent here, I just need to get this off my chest so I can be ready for the next round of crap she is going to fling our way!
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Old 02-16-2006, 11:08 PM   #5
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No need to apologize for venting! That's what we're all here for, to listen to each other's ups and downs. And this is definitely a down, much like I'm sure you'd like to beat her down!
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Old 02-16-2006, 11:13 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by princesspuffypants
what does your husband say? have you talked to her fiancee to reason with him?
My husband is quite irrated right now since the whole Coast trip was supposed to be a surprise for me and now it is not. He is standing firm that he is not changing his plans. I haven't talked to her fiance because she has only known him a year, and to be honest if he truly knew how my MIL can act, I think she might scare him off. This last year has been awesome since she has been on her best behavior, and now we get this little problem. I think it is great that they are in love, but only knowing someone a year?? I knew my husband for 3 before we tied the knot.
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Old 02-16-2006, 11:16 PM   #7
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Oh this keeps getting better, I forgot to add she decided to tell me about her wedding date on the same day my Grandma suffered a major heart attack and I had already been a basket case all day wondering if she was going to pull through. My grandmother is doing great though. But I would have to admit I was a nervous wreck yesterday.
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Old 02-17-2006, 04:53 AM   #8
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Aww bless you! If your DH is not wanting to go to her wedding - then I would just not go. Even if she does turn you into a horrible DIL. So what - you'll know it's not true, and the important people in your life will know it's not true. If other people have plans and they also decline her invitations, then she might think twice about having a wedding with only a couple of people turning up!

Personally I think she deserves a drive-thru vegas wedding with no family or friends to share it with but that's just me
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Old 02-17-2006, 08:36 AM   #9
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We skipped a family wedding once. We really didn't like the fellow (dh#2 for SIL) and we had plans for the weekend. Well they've flubbered along and it's actually turned out very well. I now see that they work very hard at their relationship since it started so bumpy.
I will never forgive myself for not going.
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Old 02-17-2006, 09:10 AM   #10
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As long as your husband is OK with not going.....I say what's the question? LOL! It's not like he is trying to play the part of mamma's little boy, and you are the only one put out by this control freak!
I can truly sympathize with you about this MIL. My EX MIL was very much the same way. She made me miserable with her rude comments (disguised as compliments) or saying stuff like "a college student who buys a new car is REALLY STUPID" in front of a bunch of people after I buy myself a new car-(even though the payment was only 135). Oh, and here's a good story. I was walking my dogs one day and they got particularly dirty. She was in my house laying on my bed (dirty shoes on and feet on my pillow mind you). The dogs ran in my room before I could start cleaning them off, and when she thought no one was looking, she tried to get the dogs to jump on my bed!!!!! OOOOOOOOOh I was ticked off!!! She just never respected me because I have about 100 more stories just like that. I am soooooooooooooooo glad she is not my MIL anymore!!!!
I would go away on your well deserved trip. It sounds like you will never make her happy anyway.
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Old 02-17-2006, 09:11 AM   #11
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My MIL now is a sweetheart by the way and I just love her to death! So IT WASN"T ME!!!!
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Old 02-17-2006, 09:35 AM   #12
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I personally dont believe you should change your plans. She knew you had plans, enough said, tell her you are so sorry you cant be there, send a gift, maybe some flowers on that day, but thats it. Go have fun, dont let her issues ruin your weekend.
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Old 02-17-2006, 10:15 AM   #13
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Here is my opinion...

It is your husbands mother. It has to be his call. If he wants to go and you dig your heels, he could get very resentful. If he doesn't care.. tell him to decide and be very loving with whatever he decides. If he doesn't want to go, make sure HE tells his mother and then go celebrate. I have learned my lesson the hard way with this one. I am a strong personality and my husband is easy going. ALot of times he want to coast through and let me fight battles for him. With this, you will loose no matter what. Your husband need to handle this,.. and you need to be gracious either way. Sorry if this is wacko.. but just my two cents!
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Old 02-17-2006, 01:07 PM   #14
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Well, I don't agree it should be the hubby's call. I know it is his mother but...(always a but in there isn't there?) I think it is both your decision. I also think the MIL has gall to tell you to cancel your plans because it is HER day. I know everyone wants "their" day and for it to be special but for her to think that EVERYONE should cancel their plans, anniversary celebration, graduation plans, is selfish on her part. I mean the graduation is already set, that date can't be changed. Your anniversary plans can be...but why should they be? I would simply tell this woman that your plans are NOT changing and if she wants her family at her wedding then she needs to change the day. I know people sometimes pick a certain day to be married because it is special, ie DH and I were married on his grandparents anniversary. But not because of that. I picked my BD to be married on and it just so happens that is when they were married so it makes it even more special. But they are both deceased. If they were living I would have picked another date so they could have their special day to themselves. So, I'm wondering why MIL picked the day before your anniversary to wed. I mean, out of all the days in the year to pick, why then? Makes you wonder about her motives. I think people should take into consideration the other events going on in the family when choosing a date. JMHO
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Old 02-17-2006, 01:20 PM   #15
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Don't go!!! BUT explain and apologize to her fiance, not her. The poor guy deserves a clue! If he's signing on for a life of controlling her behavior, he should start now. You said she's been better since they got together. Maybe he can step in and convince her that he wants a date when the family can attend and truly celebrate the event.

Glad to hear your grandma is doing well! Hang in there!
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