I would like to know just in general, everyone's opinion about whether or not it is best to stay in a marriage for the kids or if it is better for them if you end a bad marriage.
I have a serious decision to make and want to get some more input.
It all depends on how old they are....if they are, say age 10 or older, I would consider it strongly. The kids probably are already aware of your marriage not being good.
My folks divorced when I was 11...IMO it should have been LONG before then. I knew that, even as a kid.
My parents divorced when I was in 8th grade and it was really the best thing to happen to my family.
Admittedly, it wasn't just a bad _marriage_, my dad was a bad father and a bad head-of-household. Once he left the amount of love in the house increased. There was less yelling (and hitting), my mom was happier and more excited to get involved with us kids, money was -tighter-, but we didn't ever again have the electricity turned off.
What helped me a lot, as well, is that my mother NEVER spoke badly of my father until I got old enough to ask her about it. A lof of the things he did/that happened I didn't know about until I was grown up. She never prevented me from seeing him unless it seemed to her that the situation was unsafe. It meant that I didn't end up resenting her at all, and as I grew old enough to ask questions, I was able to see the situation for what it was. I'm so glad that she made him leave.
Circumstances are different in each family, but lying isn't something that anyone wants to instill in their children. If things are bad in your marriage then they are probably bad for the whole family. Marriage shouldn't be taken with a grain of salt... but if it's time to leave (for your happiness and for his and for your childrens'), then it's time to leave.
In my opinion it doesn't help the children when the parents keep a bad marriage going. First of all, even very young children know when their parents are unhappy. Without acknowledgement of that from the parents they can only wonder what they've done wrong to cause such grief - it is just how children are wired. It is unfair to stick around and chance your children carrying that burden.
Second, divorce is hard for children to accept but, in the long run, what they really want is to see their parents (especially their mother, IMO) happy.
Finally, a loveless, bitter marriage is no example to set for your children. They deserve to know what happy adult relationships look like. They deserve to know that, as adults, they will have options - and that it is okay to choose the ones that are best for them. They learn that by observing how their parents handle crisis.
I have a friend who made the decision to stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of her daugther. Her choice was strictly financial - there was no abuse, cheating, etc. although there has always been a good amount of arguing and lack of respect for each other. Consequently, her daughter has never seen her parents hug, she's never learned to communicate respectfully with people, and she's done poorly in school as a means of getting attention (much of her parents' focus has been their misery), the list goes on and on. It really is sad.
My point is that unless you know for certain that you and your husband can coexist amicably and with respect for one another you won't be doing your kids any favors.
Knowing nothing specific about your situation, it's difficult to say. The latest research says that kids want their parents to stay together (and do better) even if the marriage is bad. However, I'd not stay in an abusive marriage.
I will tell you that if you want your marriage to work, I would strongly advise you to look into a program called Retrouvaille. My dh and I were separated for several months a couple of years ago and it looked as though we were headed for divorce. Counseling didn't help and we felt as though there wasn't any hope. We went to a Retrouvaille weekend and got back together 3 months later for good. Our marriage is definitely better than ever.
We now volunteer with the program and let me tell you, we've heard people stand up at the end of a weekend and say that they had an appointment with a divorce lawyer that they had been determined to keep before attending the weekend, but were now going to give their marriage a chance. We've heard from presenters who had issues like alcoholism, affairs, gambling addictions, and worse but saved their marriages through Retrouvaille. Lest you think you have to talk in front of people about your marriage, no worries. It's totally anonymous and the only person you have to talk to is your spouse. They have a website at www.retrouvaille.org. If there is any hope that you can save your marriage, I'd look into it.
Generally speaking (since I don't know your exact situation), most of the professional material on this subject seem to encourage leaving a bad situation. Of course kids will say that they want mom and dad to stay together no matter what, but the truth is, that it is healthier for them to be removed from a negative situation like an unhappy household caused by a bad marriage. You and your husband serve as key role models for your children and so it is never wise to provide a negative example to them, especially of relationships that should be loving. In my opinion (and there is research to back this up) it will probably be better for your children (and you) in the long run if you leave this marriage.
I am one that stayed for the kids. Early on my husband was abusive and I did leave. We got counseling, he stopped drinking hard liquor and we went to church. He is very controlling still, but has not been physically abusive since. Our kids are 18 & 20 and when I talk to them about it they say they are glad we stayed together. I always thought that I would leave when they did, but I am still here. If there is physical abuse to your or your children in any way--I say leave.
I am grown and to this day I wish my mom would have left my father. I know she stayed because she felt it was best for us but we would have much rather preferred to do without and not have him around then to have a few things and him be there. We hated how miserable he made my mother and us.
If you keep looking for validation...you will finally find the answer that YOU want to hear....
I won't bore you with my divorce story...however, I will tell you that my ex-wife and I have two well adjusted kids , 24 and 22....high school honors, varsity sports, class officers...then to college...graduated with honors, sports...internships...now both are in their first years of their jobs...scoring high marks.
If my ex and I had made it difficult for each other...and boy did we both have to ACT mature at times when we just didn't WANT TO!! Darn IT!!...we may have had kids not so well adjusted. I am not saying they didn't come through the divorce totally unscared, but if you asked them if it messed them up they would probaly just laugh...they know they are acountable for themselves.
If you do WHAT IS BEST for your children...then you will never be sorry...if you look for a road out...you will always find one....it does take 2 people to WORK towards each other for the marraige to work...if he is working towards that...no matter how small...I say take a deep breath...dig in..find a good church...and focus on doing what is right for your kids.
If he wants to leave...let him...but don't PUSH him...you will regret it one day....
My parents had a horrible marriage and they stayed together and are still together, because of my sisters and me. My sisters and I used to talk about how we wished they would get divorced, yet they stayed together because they thought it was best for us. Their constant fighting really put a strain on the household and the way they acted and treated each other has made a negative impact on how I handle my emotions today. If my marriage is ever as bad as my parent's has been, I would get out.
I've seen too many of my friends "try" to make it work for the sake of the kids and it didn't happen. Everyone deserves to be happy and staying in an unhealthy relationship/marriage for the kids hardly ever works. Kids are a lot smarter than some parents give them credit for-they DO know when something is going on. My parents also stayed together for many years, not so sure it was for the sake of us kids though. When I found out my mother finally divorced him I aksed "What took so long?!" It's weird though because now they get a long fine when not around one another for very long and she almost married him again and then he started the same old controlling crap- and she remembered why she divorced him. This was after 37 years of marriage, a bad marriage! So, only YOU can figure out what is right for you but in the people that I know that tried to stay for the kids sake, well, it ended up worse in the end and they are divorced. Best wishes to you and yours and to whatever you decide.
I have been in this situation a few times, with a different role in each situation. I am the child of parents who should have divorced a L O N G time ago. About 17 years ago they almost divorced, but my mother was not financially capable of supporting us by herself so she hung on, and eventually my dad left his mistress and stuck around. I hated him for a long time and really only in the past 10 year have forgiven him for cheating. But their marriage still sucks and about 2 years ago my Dad decided that he was going to start "living for himself" and my mom has been miserable ever since. About once a month I get a call from my crying mother talking about divorce, ect.
I have also been in an unhappy marriage that had more than one problem. It was an easy decision for me... we got married for the wrong reason anyway (a child). I divorced him after 9 months of marriage. When I met my current husband (aka the love of my life) he was unhappily married (he had also not married for love, but for a child) and struggleing with the decision to stay. Ultimately he decided to leave her because he was tired of being miserable and it wasn't helping him being a good parent. They have been divorced for about 5 years now and his daughter still loves him to death and he is a better father now that he is happy with his daily life.
I have also known couples who stay together for children and seem to make it work. You can never really know what goes on in someone elses marriage. I am still always left wondering if the marriage is "working" because there was a real reconciliation or because it is "cheaper to keep her".
Either way, I really believe that you have to make what ever decision will make you happiest in the end, because a happy woman makes a happy mother.
I stay, but not for our daughter's sake. I'm sure that once she got over the initial shock she'd be rather relieved, to tell the truth. I stay because as bad as it is now, he would make our lives 100 times more miserable if I ever actually went through with it. I'm more inclined to say, don't stay just for the kids. If you have an opportunity to get out of a bad situation then go for it, or you may really live to regret it. My 2 cents.
I usually stay way clear of these topics because no one can answer it for you. It is something that you know is right for you and your family.
A few years back DH was being a real jerk and I said to him that if he was going to treat me this badly he could go. I did not want to raise kids in a house where they would think it was ok to treat women like that, other people like that and most of all their mother like that. We are their roll model for sharring your life with somone else. He staightened up pretty fast.
I will add that I think as I am a product of divorce that EZ makes a good point. If you can get along outside of the marriage for the sake of the kids you will do them a bigger favor than living a life you hate. i think it is difficult to be good to others (kids and spouse) when you resent every second of who you are and what you want from life.
Stay for the kids or not??
