Thank you - SO MUCH - for all of your posts! I really appreciate you all very much!
I think I never should have told him that I was planning to go. He is getting very irate and difficult to be with. On one hand, he is trying to tell me now that he never said he didn't love me and that he does. He is angry that I keep trying to discuss the situation with him about our children - last night he said "I don't want them! Well, I mean, I want them but I can't take care of them and the don't want me anyway!" Then he said, "That's all you care about, isn't it? Your kids!" (Well, yes, actually.)
So, he is flipping back and forth between being irate for a while and then trying to tell me he loves me and never said any of that stuff.
During that fateful conversation, he told me that "No woman will ever make me happy" and that he has a hard time being happy in general and that it is not my fault and I should just learn to accept it. Now he is telling me that I must just be depressed and that I need help and that is why I want to leave! I really think he is the one who needs some help!
I just shouldn't have told him until I had my act together I guess. I was hoping we could all be rational, but it's not looking good.
It sounds like a piece of the puzzle is missing. I just get this sense that something prompted him to give you that "i don't love you speech" and when the reality hit that you would leave him, he's trying to take it back. But what was it that prompted it? Mental breakdown? Another woman? A mystery.
You sound like a very healthy person to me, and it sounds like you're able to see right through his games, now. Good for you! Maybe lay off the discussion with HIM for now, and find out what your rights are (through an attorney) before bringing it up again. No need to make your current situation worse than it is.
I hope your husband gets some professional help. He's really all over the board!
Eeep!
I agree here!
My parents divorced when I was in 8th grade and it was (honestly) the best part of my childhood. Things were really awful until my father moved out.
GET AN ATTOURNEY NOW!! DON'T SIGN ANYTHING!
Basically, if you go to court, you can get a child support set up that he'll be legally required to pay to you to help raise your children. If you just make 'an agreement' you won't ever know if you're getting all that you should and there's no legal way to enforce the payments.
In order to get the best for your children, and yourself... get smart. Talk to someone who -knows- the law and knows to what you are entitled. Get things documented and written down. It -does- sound like he's already looked into things and maybe he's counting on you to just go along with it... and it's not worth it for your kids' sake.
Good luck, and I hoep it all works out. Be strong, and be smart.
I feel really bad for you, as I just went through a nasty divorce myself. Just remember there is light at the end of the tunnel. Do not stay in the situation for your kids, especially if there is abuse involved. You do not want your kids to grow up thinking mental or physical abuse is ok. Try to be strong and do what you think is best for you and your children in the long run.
Like everyone else has said (and my own experience and divorce)....don't move out, seek out and consult a divorce specialist attorney. YOU DO HAVE $$$! Joint property? you own 1/2 of everything. He is required to support you and the kids, your contribution to the household and expenses is based on what you earn.
When I filed, my income was less than my x's...he was required to pay almost 70% of all expenses until the divorce was final and the joint property liquidated. (the idiot also contested everything, dragged the divorce on for almost 3 years and wound up paying all my attorney fees and some hefty child support)
It sounds like he is going to try to weasle out of his responsibilities.....don't let him push you into anything. I'm sure that he's a bigger disappointment to you than you ever were to him.
I really can't add much more, all the advice these ladies have given you is awesome.
I'd just like to add, pls pls pls do not let him manipulate and guilt you into anything. If anything, get mad when he tries these things. That's what my ex did, and it wasnt until I got smart about the manipulations, and guilt trips did he realize he couldn't do that to me anymore.
Don't let your husband make you feel any worse than you do about the end of your marriage. I divorced my husband in 2000 and we'd been together since 1984. So, really, it hasn't been all that long ago. We have one daughter and he was so busy with his own life that he didn't seem to care if there was a child in our lives. As she grew up, she noticed the distance he kept from us and how unhappy I was with it all.
When the divorce came - I paid for all costs wanting out so badly. The only thing I demanded was that there would be NO JOINT CUSTODY. He didn't deserve to be counted as a parent. The divorce seemed a failure to me as I went through the normal blaming process....
It's funny as now he wants to be a part of our daughter's life and she wants nothing to do with him. We have tried to let him in so he could try and have a relationship with his daughter, but as she grew up, she saw him for what he was, too.
It's a difficult decision and it will be one that you'll have to make. Stay strong..in the long run, I don't regret the divorce at all. It gave me freedom and a chance for me to grow again. I will emphasize this one thing...you need to have a lawyer who will fight for your rights and go to court....to protect your future and that of your children. It's simpler to divorce when there are no children involved. A judge, even if you do the procedure on your own, will expect to see that the children are properly provided for and your husband can't avoid that. I didn't like the idea of going to court but for my daughter I made the decision to protect us.....and I stopped worrying about what it would do to him. I had a great lawyer who didn't let my ex try and get away from things. If my ex couldn't be a responsible husband and father in this marriage...then in the divorce, he would provide as a responsible party!
Cyl53
Quote:
Originally Posted by icmethinner
So, after almost 12 years of marriage, my husband finally admitted what I have been suspecting for years. He doesn't love me like a man should love a wife, and I am a dissappointment to him. I didn't turn out to be what he thought I would be. HOWEVER - I am still supposed to stay "for the kids". When I told him I planned to leave soon but would share custody with him, he said he didn't have the patience to take care of them and that they would rather be with me so he is not going to try to get custody of them and doesn't want 50/50 either. But he says I am being selfish for wanting to leave and I should just suck it up and find some hobbies and get over it and stay in the marriage for the kids. He b**ches at me every day about something and I always sense a seething anger underneath his calm exterior. He has been violent at tiimes in the past but not for the past 2 years. I have been staying home with my children and only working very part-time for the last 10 years. I don't have a full-time job right now, and I have no money saved. I don't know what to do next. He says if I feel I must leave, we can work something out ourselves without having to go to court. I am for that as long as I am protected. I don't want to do the big court battle thing.
My stepfather told me today that my only problem is my heart is bigger than my head. He truly feels I have put up with more bull than any person should ever deal with. But my husband still makes me feel guilty. I'm scared. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Do not do anything without talking to a lawyer!!! I don't know which state you live in, but if you leave, he could charge you with "abandonment" and play up the "poor husband" bit to the hilt. Don't want the house? Be sure you have a place to live that you can afford or live with relatives who are prepared to have you there for the long haul. (My sister gave away everything, even the Tupperware, just to be rid of her husband. In hindsight, she realized it was a stupid thing to do.) A lawyer will fill you in on the advantages of staying in the house until you both come to an agreement about what to do with it. For example, if he wants it so badly, he could be remanded to pay you what your half is worth in order to keep it. If he doesn't want the kids, he may have to sign away his rights as a parent.
Forget about staying together for the kids. My mother did that (she had terrible self-esteem and no support system in place) and all of us wound up emotionally damaged. What's better -- having your kids see you in a cruel, unloving relationship or having them see you as a strong woman with their best interests at heart?
You've got a long road ahead of you but it sounds like you're a super strong woman and it's sad for the kids but you at least don't have to worry about joint custody which is a huge pain in the butt.
I'm not advising to manipulate him, but do not let on to whatever your plans are either...sometimes they will say one thing, then the total opposite will pop up in court and you won't even realize that it's happening..not sure if that made sence.
Be prepared for anything, most lawyers have a free consultation fee, check with several before agreeing on the first one you go to (my mistake, hope someone can learn from it). I wish you all the best of luck and am sorry you're having to go through this.
Thanks for your message! BTW, I looked at your blog - we look like we could be sisters! I am 5' 9" also and I recently went blonder - if you haven't already done it I think you should - I think you have the right skin coloring for it.
I hope 14 isn't huge, because I am very excited about just now getting into mine! You're doing great by the way! Congratulations! By the way - you are funny! I want a jacket that says that too - I keep having people stop and ask me if I need a ride! haha
What stands our the most when I read everything you wrote, is how he puts all the blame on you (I had an ex that did that too) Don't let him bring you down, thats what men like that like to do--guess they think it makes them look better.
Stay strong, and GOOD LUCK!
I am happily divorced and remarried now after 10 years. I am, believe it or not, still friends with my ex and his new wife.
****Remember time changes everything****
Get a lawyer... keep the house if you can, its an investment for your kids future, you can always sell it later if you want.
REMEMBER, No one can make you feel anything. You feel the way you feel because that's the way YOU choose to feel. and believe me in 10 years... you'll wonder what you ever had in common. (espically, when you roll over in the morning and see your true soul mate staring you in the face)
Also too, getting a lawyer doesn't always mean going to court either,..
we both had lawyers and i never went to court, the lawyers worked out everything.
This man is screwing with your head!!I know it well....send him packing,keep the house until you can sell it and give him his share.All he probably cares about is the possessions anyway,and if it's in the house,possession IS 9/10ths of the law!!
Get a lawyer ASAP and fight for your rights,please,trust me on this one!!!
Wendy
Well, I am not married yet (engaged) and thankfully I personally haven't
been through the process of a divorce but my parents are
in the middle of one. It's so stressful!
All I wanted to do was give you some hugs because the road
ahead will be a bumpy one.
Remember to take time for yourself through this mess.
By the way, good advice gals!
Not much to add anymore.
Whatever YOU do do NOT leave! Like in our state laws totally bite after u leave the Home. You really have NO leg to stand on UNLESS he is abusing you and you MUST have a Police Report.
I left our Home (from first hubby)and he moved down state to his"fiancy" ONLY this way I could claim my house. THATS after HE racket up the gas& electric& Phone for me too pay. Mind you I am a Mom of 3 and havent worked in years to take care of our 3 Kids and Hubby.Hubby was from the old school, wife in Kitchen with slippers on u get the Idea....
My hubby cheated, beat me up, and did some things to me I will not tell but in the eyes of the law being I had no reports made it basicle never happend and I just left because I didnt love him.HM!!!
he moved to his fiancys and died 2 month later in a car crash so I never had to worry about the Kids thing. But we fought while HE was alive. And my Hubby would do anything to make my Life more misserable, including using the kids against me.
I now am married to a great man, still live in my home and the kids are happy and relived.
talk to a laywer!!
talk to youre Kids ( if old enough)
I see from another Post u may stay for the Kids sake.
Please dont, I KNOW from my own Life, it doesnt help. THEY KNOW!!! I never thought my Kids would "know" it is amazing to me HOW MUCH they knew.
Kids was 11,8,6 then. I couldnt even fool the little one
Matter of fact oldest one picked up some of the "habbits" from his real father ..talk bout depressing for me to see this.
I wish u the best of luck !!!
if ya need to talk,,,,just let me know!!
You've got a long road ahead of you but it sounds like you're a super strong woman and it's sad for the kids but you at least don't have to worry about joint custody which is a huge pain in the butt. 
Hi Lacey
By the way - you are funny! I want a jacket that says that too - I keep having people stop and ask me if I need a ride! haha
Got to out my two cents in...
