Tension in the nest.... - 3 Fat Chicks on a Diet Weight Loss Community

JudgeDread · 07-13-2017, 05:10 AM

So it's been awhile but I pissed my husband off last night. On day number two of our actual exercising my husband asked me how much I weigh. Now most men should know that's a cardinal sin to ask a woman how much she weighs. I know it's my husband, and I share everything, but I feel so embarrassed and ashamed of how much I let myself go lately. This is the most I've weighed since my original 50lb weight loss in college and the most I've weighed in our 7 year relationship. When he asked I told him I didn't want to tell him, and he kept asking and I told him to "not go there" while it was running and getting frustrated. It should also be noted I'm on my period and double emotional sorry for the TMI but it plays a role. So after that he gets quiet and I know he's mad at me.

So before I go to work tonight when we usually kiss and hug and exchange I love yous he sits on the couch and it pisses me off more. So my period rage temper goes off and I say "aren't you going to kiss your fat wife goodnight?" And he goes to reply it's always about you isn't it? Since I didn't know what he meant I asked and he said that I always take out my Weight and Body Image frustrations out on him.

Now from my point of view I don't take it out on him but rather vent my frustrations in hope of getting some sort of positive response but he sees it as me thinking he's being critical about me.

My husband has always been skinny and is still skinny and never had to deal with Weight and Body Image issues. I have been struggling with body image and weight issues since high school. It has been a rollercoaster of weight gain and loss since my initial weight loss in college and my fear is getting back up to that 195 lb or more. My mother has been obese since having us kids and did some yo-yo dieting, had lap band surgery, and nothing has worked.

I have this fear of becoming like my mother. She has a lot of health problems now as a result of her weight and still has not found the motivation to get rid of the weight. Now I'm 32 and the last year I have noticed how easy it is to put on weight compared to my twenties. I normally eat fairly healthy but my biggest problem is portions. My husband can eat out and snack on crap but not gain a pound although there are times when my husband sometimes eats less than I do and has this uncanny ability to stop eating what's on his plate, yet I have to finish... So that's why I'm a calorie counter and have to measure out my portions beforehand in order to control how much I eat.

But my biggest Vice is alcohol. I don't drink everyday, mostly on weekends but I can tolerate a lot more than most women and I in turn drink more calories because of it. I had been measuring out my alcohol so I could count it at least the last time I was dieting which is good but once I jumped off the bandwagon it's hard to know how much you've had calorie-wise when you're not actually tracking it... Thus leading to mindless overconsumption of calories.

So anyways getting back to the point with a little bit of that background I'm just wondering how to get him to understand how it affects your brain when you've been struggling with this weight loss thing for years. I get a little too dramatic when I'm hormone flooded for sure, but these are all emotions I feel on a daily basis and bottle them up. It seems like every time I do bring it up to my husband we getting some sort of a fight about him thinking that I'm blaming him for something. I've tried and tried to explain it and how I feel and how my past affects my body image but for whatever reason he still gets mad at me when I get upset about my weight and how I look. He's never once said I look fat and ugly for the record, it's me who says that about myself out of frustration from gaining and losing and gaining and losing... The frustration of getting to my goal and then letting myself gain all that weight back after all that hard work. The frustration of not being able to stick to a maintenance program. It's definitely easier when he does these things with me dieting and exercise that is, because that's how I lost my last significant weight was right beside him. His body goals are different than mine though as he would like more muscle and I need to lose weight. However his motivation to build muscle is a lot less important to him than it is for me to lose weight so I have to keep myself motivated which is even harder. I need to find a way to keep me on track without having to lean on him for motivation and determination.

Anyways I'm rambling but I needed to vent, I have no best friends other than my husband to talk about this and sometimes I feel really alone when we get into fights.

Wannabehealthy · 07-13-2017, 07:35 AM

I also have a husband who never had a weight problem and leaves food on his plate. They have no concept of the issues of someone who struggles with weight. When I complain, my husband will often say "Don't eat!" The other person in my life is a friend who also never gains, and does not understand. It sounds to me as if your husband is happy with you the way you are and wants you to be, too. That's not going to happen, but maybe you need to keep your complaints to the forum where there are people who are going through the same thing and understand the struggles. We need to accept that our problems are ours, and we need to make the necessary changes for ourselves. Having someone close to you who is in good shape can give you incentive, but maybe you're comparing yourself to him, and need to break away and do this on your own with your own goals. Good luck to you.

JudgeDread · 07-13-2017, 06:30 PM

Thanks, I've heard the "don't eat so much" before...and I know it. It's a problem when I'm not dieting or watching what I eat as carefully. I guess even though I think it's healthy I still eat more than him (usually before he finishes)...It's just why is it that my sensitivity to my weight makes him mad at me? How does he think that I am taking it out on him?

Wannabehealthy · 07-13-2017, 06:38 PM

I don't know the answer to that one. He just hears it as you blaming him. I guess it's the same as when my DH is driving, yelling and screaming about other drivers, I tell him "They can't hear you. I'm the one who's being yelled at." LOL

Ubee · 07-14-2017, 12:34 PM

I have no answers to your questions.
However if you haven't already I suggest joining in a daily chat thread here on 3 Fat Chicks.
You would be hanging out with your peers who are in the same boat. They are great for motivation and keeping you on track.
It is the best thing I have ever done for weight loss.

EagleRiverDee · 07-14-2017, 12:52 PM

Well, IMO your hubby was out of line on pressing you to tell him your weight. You told him twice to drop it, and he didn't. He was out of line on that, not you. He owes you an apology for that. The rest of the fight may be on you but he's the one that primed the whole issue. My husband has never asked me what I weigh. I will tell him, occasionally, on my own. But he's never asked. I think all guys know better. If your hubby didn't before, he should now.

When I turned 30, my metabolism came to a screeching halt. Where in my teens/20's I could eat anything I wanted, in any portion size I wanted, and drink alcohol, without gaining weight- in my 30's I put on 10 lbs a year. I ended up 90 lbs overweight. Portion size definitely was a problem- I had it in my head that so long as the food was healthy, I could eat as much as I wanted. And for that matter, even if it was unhealthy, I didn't really have a clue how big a portion was. I didn't actually learn that until last year, when I got really sick and consequently started eating much less and realized I don't need even half the amount of food I was eating before.

I definitely suggest you stop drinking alcohol entirely while you're trying to lose weight. Alcohol is a type of sugar, sugars prompt your body to release insulin, and insulin is the hormone that causes excess calories to be stored as fat. When I drink alcohol or eat wheat products (bread, pasta) I cannot lose weight even if I'm trying to stick to portions. I've actually become so convinced that alcohol is a problem for me - weight wise- that I don't plan to resume drinking even when I reach my goal weight. It's all empty calories, and I'd rather enjoy being at a healthy weight than enjoy a glass of wine, I think.

TheSecondHalf · 07-16-2017, 10:24 AM

I agree that your husband doesn't need to know how much you weigh, or press you for that information if you don't want to share it. It's personal and if he's never had a weight problem, he might not understand just HOW personal but he should've stopped when you asked him to.

That brings me to my second point - your husband might not be the right person to be the sounding board for all of your weight and body image frustrations. You SHOULD be able to share anything with your spouse, but sometimes it's just not a good idea. I don't mean hide it from him, but you put him in a very difficult position if you're calling yourself fat and ugly and venting about weight. If he's supportive, is he reinforcing the idea that you're fat and you need to lose weight? If he's not supportive, is he trying to undermine your efforts. You apparently share a lot about your feelings, to someone who has never dealt with weight issues, it might seem inconsistent or confusing that somehow the actual number is off limits, even though it's something you talk about a lot.

This is not an area he's good at having empathy for, it sounds just completely outside of his experience. Maybe you need a different or better support for these kinds of conversations? A group of friends, a weight loss program with meetings or counseling? A group online like here or Facebook? Where you can vent those feelings and frustrations to people who have a better idea of what it feels like. Because to someone who isn't emotionally attached to food and who has never had a weight or body image problem, this can all be pretty confusing and the solution might seem obvious, because they have NO IDEA what it's like to live with a weight problem and it's not really about FOOD.

Good luck. Weight problems and body issue are so sensitive. It's hard for people who don't have them to know how to handle someone else's.

JudgeDread · 07-17-2017, 02:49 AM

Thanks guys, we finally sat down and talked about it the other day. He still doesn't really get it. It's not so much that he feels I'm blaming him but he gets annoyed about how much I comment about my weight or my body image. I guess I can see how that gets annoying. I think I see it as a way of acknowledging my faults and wanting to change (but not doing it). It's complicated and it's even more complicated explaining to him how it makes me feel. He's also afraid that he may say something accidently and trigger me to get pissed off...supposedly the pressing me for my weight wasn't meant to be mean but to compare how much he could lift on the machine (ok until he kept asking!). Anyways we made up of course and I am going to have to learn to be better to myself and keep my yap shut even though I feel bad about my body.

TheSecondHalf · 07-17-2017, 09:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudgeDread

Thanks guys, we finally sat down and talked about it the other day. He still doesn't really get it. It's not so much that he feels I'm blaming him but he gets annoyed about how much I comment about my weight or my body image. I guess I can see how that gets annoying. I think I see it as a way of acknowledging my faults and wanting to change (but not doing it). It's complicated and it's even more complicated explaining to him how it makes me feel. He's also afraid that he may say something accidently and trigger me to get pissed off...supposedly the pressing me for my weight wasn't meant to be mean but to compare how much he could lift on the machine (ok until he kept asking!). Anyways we made up of course and I am going to have to learn to be better to myself and keep my yap shut even though I feel bad about my body.

You do NOT have to keep your yap shut, but do find someone else to talk to about it. It is a weird position to be in, on the other side of that conversation with someone you love. Join WW or find a Facebook group or something where you can talk about it with people who get it, or at least can relate. Everyone needs a place to vent and an understanding audience helps a lot.

Good luck!

EagleRiverDee · 07-17-2017, 01:46 PM

I agree that talking to someone else- folks here, or a girlfriend etc- would be better than talking to your DH re your weight loss efforts, body image frustrations, etc. I keep my hubby peripherally aware of what I have going on but I've only recently told him how much I weigh and that's largely because I now am pretty close to what I weighed when we first started dating and so I'm not embarrassed. But even last night he made a comment about how I am not as muscular as I used to be and my first reaction was to feel sort of insulted but then realized, to him it's just an observation. I'll use it as motivation.

JudgeDread · 07-17-2017, 03:24 PM

It is a weird issue though! I mean for 99.9% of our fights we can at least understand the other point of view with each other. On this one I just can't explain it right. I am guessing it isn't probably attractive to hear your spouse talk bad about their bodies constantly. He is also worried about triggering me by saying something like what your DH said to you Dee. I need to be more conscious of it, but it's bad enough to beat yourself up then hear something like that makes you feel worse...even if it's not meant to be mean. This is probably one of the only things I can't really get the emotional support I need from DH. He does his best to work out with me or eat more veggies...but on the other hand he opens a beer than I want one. Our bad habits are driven by each other. He's not concerned that a few beers will make him fat, but all it takes is half that for me to ruin my diet. Alas this weekend was bad, but not horrible calorie wise.......just need to keep with it.