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Old 07-30-2015, 02:15 PM   #1  
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Exclamation People just don't like me.

Rant...plus maybe advice is you have any?!


I have a very strong, blunt personality. I'm also pretty stand offish and Jaded, but when I go out of my way to be friendly, nice and talk to people and try and be more open. I get rejected, or they act as if they're better than me. (this is my first meeting with people. I can be shy and quiet.)

I'm not even talking about relationships I'm talking about friendships. It's so frustrating and annoying. I just moved to a whole new province and I met a few people, and one of my friends brought me to a party and everyone was so stand offish because I was the new girl, because they've known each other all their lives and they were dismissive towards me. So of course that put me back into my stand offish quiet personality.

I guess things changed after that party because now my "friend" doesn't want to do things with me, and doesn't invite me out to go to pubs, or clubs with her and her friends. Kind of pisses me off where I'm about to just write her off and just be by myself...

But who else as been in a situation where they moved, know no one and had to meet people? I don't have family or anything really out here. I just always wanted to live here so I moved.
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Old 07-30-2015, 03:02 PM   #2  
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I use to feel the same way as you. I kind of still do at times. I have a very strong, blunt personality also. That's how I describe it too, its funny to hear someone use the same words to described themselves!

I realized that there are going to be a certain type of people that I just don't mesh with. Surface type people that like small talk and always need to say the right thing...I'll never enjoy time with those type of people.

I also don't particularly like passive people. I need someone that knows what they want, what they like and aren't afraid to tell me. A passive person just gets drowned out around me. and its not fair to them, and its annoying and boring for me.

I'm not talking about being rude though, just confident and out going. It took me a long time to realize that if you really have that kind of presence , that it will be very off putting to anyone with low self esteem...it can be very intimidating, and can seem controlling to anyone that doesn't have the same level of confidence in a group.

I've moved more times that I feel like counting right now, maybe 15? I've learned the best way to make friends is let people talk about themselves with first few times you meet them. Listen, and ask questions, don't interrogate them, but be interested. Don't talk too much, just feel out what they are like. Then decide if they are someone you would do well with, and open up and talk more and go from there. People love to talk about themselves, we all do. And even if you find that they are not someone you want to be best buds with, you will still leave a positive impression on them, which is good.

After a while its easy to pick up on signs someone is not confident in themselves, or who they are as a person. Don't try to be friends with those people. Our personalities are the WORST for those people. You want to surround yourself with other people that won't feel bad around you. People that feel bad about themselves have a habit of thinking that strong, blunt people are rude or that we think we are better than them...they take our personality as a threat to them...this is what I have found. You need to make friendships with strong, confident women that bring as much fire to the table as you do.
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Old 07-30-2015, 03:36 PM   #3  
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Ouch, that party sounded quite a bummer. I have never understood people who make parties into some sort of popularity contests or tests. Parties should be about having fun together, and making sure that the shy ones aren't left out. Obviously these people can't party worth much.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GlamourGirl827 View Post
I realized that there are going to be a certain type of people that I just don't mesh with.
I think this is so well said. It took me decades to learn this truth - it's not that I was awful or unlikeable, but some people aren't just going to like me and I am probably not going to like them either.

For me that is a domineering type, or the control freak - but not all of them! I have a pretty anarchistic heart and if I feel someone is expecting me to play along and follow their plan or rules, I will, at some point, break the rules. I will knowingly say the wrong thing, or misunderstand, something like that, because I hate being controlled or someone thinking they can control me. I will not play along. Now, some of these people might find it interesting and refreshing, and that's all cool. But some will get pissed at me and start avoiding me because even if I'm rather flexible and willing to please, I can't be trusted to follow their tune.
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Old 07-30-2015, 04:09 PM   #4  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GlamourGirl827 View Post
I use to feel the same way as you. I kind of still do at times. I have a very strong, blunt personality also. That's how I describe it too, its funny to hear someone use the same words to described themselves!

I realized that there are going to be a certain type of people that I just don't mesh with. Surface type people that like small talk and always need to say the right thing...I'll never enjoy time with those type of people.

I also don't particularly like passive people. I need someone that knows what they want, what they like and aren't afraid to tell me. A passive person just gets drowned out around me. and its not fair to them, and its annoying and boring for me.

I'm not talking about being rude though, just confident and out going. It took me a long time to realize that if you really have that kind of presence , that it will be very off putting to anyone with low self esteem...it can be very intimidating, and can seem controlling to anyone that doesn't have the same level of confidence in a group.

I've moved more times that I feel like counting right now, maybe 15? I've learned the best way to make friends is let people talk about themselves with first few times you meet them. Listen, and ask questions, don't interrogate them, but be interested. Don't talk too much, just feel out what they are like. Then decide if they are someone you would do well with, and open up and talk more and go from there. People love to talk about themselves, we all do. And even if you find that they are not someone you want to be best buds with, you will still leave a positive impression on them, which is good.

After a while its easy to pick up on signs someone is not confident in themselves, or who they are as a person. Don't try to be friends with those people. Our personalities are the WORST for those people. You want to surround yourself with other people that won't feel bad around you. People that feel bad about themselves have a habit of thinking that strong, blunt people are rude or that we think we are better than them...they take our personality as a threat to them...this is what I have found. You need to make friendships with strong, confident women that bring as much fire to the table as you do.

I love everything you just said here. It's so true, it's really hard I need to stop being friends with insecure people. I'm definitely printing this off and keeping it some where to remind myself of all these.


Quote:
Originally Posted by pigeon View Post
Ouch, that party sounded quite a bummer. I have never understood people who make parties into some sort of popularity contests or tests. Parties should be about having fun together, and making sure that the shy ones aren't left out. Obviously these people can't party worth much.



I think this is so well said. It took me decades to learn this truth - it's not that I was awful or unlikeable, but some people aren't just going to like me and I am probably not going to like them either.

For me that is a domineering type, or the control freak - but not all of them! I have a pretty anarchistic heart and if I feel someone is expecting me to play along and follow their plan or rules, I will, at some point, break the rules. I will knowingly say the wrong thing, or misunderstand, something like that, because I hate being controlled or someone thinking they can control me. I will not play along. Now, some of these people might find it interesting and refreshing, and that's all cool. But some will get pissed at me and start avoiding me because even if I'm rather flexible and willing to please, I can't be trusted to follow their tune.
I hear what you're saying. I'm not really controlling I just want to go lay down on a beach, which my friend won't do because she hates the way she looks in a bathing suit yet she's been to the beach before with me.

Yes I do only have one friend thus far, hence why this is so frustrating. but I guess things will take time and eventually fall into place.
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Old 07-31-2015, 02:33 PM   #5  
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I'm a huge dork. I don't think people dislike me, but they certainly don't seek out my company. I have very few friends and never date. I know this isn't normal but every effort I've made to improve my social life failed miserably so I just gave up and accepted that this is my life.

The good news is I generally enjoy being alone.

Last edited by Violette_R; 07-31-2015 at 02:35 PM.
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Old 07-31-2015, 02:51 PM   #6  
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im too lazy to make and keep friends. its not worth the hassle.
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Old 07-31-2015, 05:53 PM   #7  
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I moved to Philadelphia when I was 24 years old and didn't know a soul here. The first two years were particularly difficult. I had a boyfriend who lived about an hour away. He was a very nice guy but we didn't really have tons in common (except maybe that we both liked me)!

I often feel guilty about that time because I probably would've and should've broken up with him a lot sooner, but even though I knew in my heart I didn't want to marry him, that relationship was the only thing that kept me from climbing the walls with loneliness. Admittedly, I am a bit of a loner, but it was still a relief to see another human on the weekends. And to interact with any human in a non-business relationship.

Anyway, things got better for me gradually. Unlike you, I'm not really outgoing or a strong personality. I just waited for other people to invite me out to happy hours. It was about after a year of seeing my face every day that the other people started to invite me out. And then I took a big plunge and moved right down town so that I was always free to enjoy a happy hour after work. At that point, I was actually doing more socializng than I prefer, but it was great fun to be young and single living downtown.

I would say just start going to the local happy hours. Invite a friend if you feel more comfortable. Once other people from work see you in a bar, they'll invite you out next time they're going. Really.
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Old 08-02-2015, 01:29 AM   #8  
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Who knows what happened at that party. Maybe they were scared to meet a new person, who knows? You sound pretty young so immaturity on yours and their part could play a role here. All I know for sure is that there are 2 kinds of people in the world - those with a positive vibe and those with a negative vibe. We all have the potential to drift in and out of a positive into a negative vibe but if we want to make friends we should try to be positive. That means being friendly, being open, being receptive and being kind. It does not mean being a wallflower or not being yourself. People are drawn to kindness and positivity - remember, you're entering their party and they all know each other already. What you may have perceived as standoffish may have been hesitation or curiosity. Whenever I hear the word standoffish I always think it has something to do with fear. Putting people at ease is a skill that will work in your favor for the rest of your life. Making people bristle may feel empowering at the time but serves no happy purpose down the line. So experiment with being friendly.

Sometimes for example, when I meet a person for the first time and every other word that comes out of their mouth is a curse word I try to be friendly but I definitely pull away as much as I can. Or if a person is being very negative, it's a definitely turn off, I mean who has time to go to a party and hang out with a whiner? It's the best bet to be friendly, smile and let people in before judging them, meeting a friend is a two way street.
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Old 08-02-2015, 08:38 AM   #9  
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Quote:
I just waited for other people to invite me out to happy hours. It was about after a year of seeing my face every day that the other people started to invite me out. And then I took a big plunge and moved right down town so that I was always free to enjoy a happy hour after work. At that point, I was actually doing more socializng than I prefer, but it was great fun to be young and single living downtown.

I would say just start going to the local happy hours. Invite a friend if you feel more comfortable. Once other people from work see you in a bar, they'll invite you out next time they're going. Really.
I think this is great advice and certainly resonates for me. A big lesson for me was learning to say yes to things and not excluding myself from social events because of feelings of tiredness or insecurity or whatever. Once you get out there, there tends to be momentum.

However, one thing did worry me:
Quote:
I often feel guilty about that time because I probably would've and should've broken up with him a lot sooner, but even though I knew in my heart I didn't want to marry him
Please God, never let a woman decide whether to date me on the basis of whether she wants to marry me! I just want to go out and have a nice time.

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Old 08-04-2015, 12:41 PM   #10  
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Don't get me wrong I love my own company too. I think my introverted self and extroverted self often clash. Introvert always seems to win. I do think a lot of it comes from rejection of people in the past especially when it's women. Honestly me and the Gay guy were chatting and laughing joking and having fun. So it wasn't like I was just being blah. Lots of times I like to observe people and see who I would get along with given their personalities.

Either way this friend is no longer my friend after this weekend and I'm okay with that. After what @GlamourGirl827 said I took it into consideration. I'm not going to force people to like me or be my friend. Sure I'm in new uncharted territory when I don't know anyone or have any friends, but that's life. She made it very clear in her passive aggressive way that she didn't want to be so I moved on. I will never really know what I did exactly but that happens.

I just realize Vancouver is very different from Calgary. Calgary everyone practically moved there from another place, or at one point in time they had to get to know people and make friends. Probably why they're so accepting of new comers. Where in Vancouver basically everyone I've met so far has lived here all their lives and had the same friends since elementary school. I use to work for a huge company so I'd meet people every day, now I work for a small one so it makes it a little harder.

I also know there are things I need to work on like stop being shy, and just go out on a meetup group or something and meet people.

It's also just nice to know that others are out there that have been in the same boat. .
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Old 08-04-2015, 01:37 PM   #11  
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I hear you MiZTaCCen I got married in December and moved to California from New York, leaving my old life and old friends behind.. trying to start a whole new life and the only people I did interact with initially were my husband's friends. It is tough to adjust to a new set of people who are already well established in a clique. You can't break into the circle, you kind of have to ease your way in. I think what I noticed is, everyone will REACT to you and how you interact with them. If you are quiet, they will be quiet, if you can be hyper friendly, they will react in the same way.

I remember this one time, my husband took me to this club where his friends were having a birthday celebration. At first, I was just looking around, shuffling my feet all uncomfortable.. they were taking group pictures and selfies and I was just standing there looking at the girls like "umm do I pose with them? Nah it's their party.. they don't know me, maybe I can stand at the extreme corner... " hehe Let's face it, a club is NOT a good place to meet people! You cant even hear yourself think let alone TALK to people, you're more like shouting in their ears! hehe

I am not sure what they thought of me that night, I hardly spoke to anyone and I was worried they won't like me very much and think of me as the standoffish plus one or new snobbish wife, but I somehow got around to meeting them again and they started making plans about a road trip and my husband was all in saying we'd love to go too and one of the girls came to me and was like "Oh you'd come out with us? That's great, I didn't think you would come, YAY!" TBH, I don't think I like this girl very much, she's just too loud and loves attention, hardly my kind of a person but I dont have to be best friends with her, just cordial you know?

I still dont know these people as well as my husband does and tbh it will take some time to open up to them completely but I have to make the effort and I also have to make the effort to make my own group of friends too since I am new to this town, you know?

Like going to the gym for instance, back in New York my bestie was my gym buddy but here I go alone sometimes, so my husband suggested I go to the gym with one of his friend's wives, a mother of triplets, who is just too fit looking if I may add. He keeps suggesting I go to group exercise classes at the gym so I can make new friends etc etc and I am all like "umm yeah okay maybe nah okay let's see".. Not trying to be standoffish, just trying to get comfortable with the idea of going to the gym with his friend's wife who doesn't look like a mom of triplets cause she is so fit and flab-free. I was insecure at first but later dh told me that I dont need to feel insecure - she got lipo, a boob job and tummy tucks done!! It may sound weird but I was just so happy to hear that she's not perfect after all! :P

Anyways just cheer up it will work out and you will finally find a good group of people who are just like you and like doing things that you do!! you'll make wonderful memories with nice people in this new place, am sure of it, just hang in there and try to meet as many people as you can instead of depending on this one friend alone

P.S: sorry for the long post, I kind of went off on a rant too, I was like omg I am on the same boat as her. Good luck!!

Last edited by kittystarlight; 08-04-2015 at 01:47 PM.
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Old 08-05-2015, 05:28 PM   #12  
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Ouch, that party sounded quite a bummer. I have never understood people who make parties into some sort of popularity contests or tests. Parties should be about having fun together, and making sure that the shy ones aren't left out. Obviously these people can't party worth much.



I think this is so well said. It took me decades to learn this truth - it's not that I was awful or unlikeable, but some people aren't just going to like me and I am probably not going to like them either.

For me that is a domineering type, or the control freak - but not all of them! I have a pretty anarchistic heart and if I feel someone is expecting me to play along and follow their plan or rules, I will, at some point, break the rules. I will knowingly say the wrong thing, or misunderstand, something like that, because I hate being controlled or someone thinking they can control me. I will not play along. Now, some of these people might find it interesting and refreshing, and that's all cool. But some will get pissed at me and start avoiding me because even if I'm rather flexible and willing to please, I can't be trusted to follow their tune.
I appreciate the compliment on what I said.

I just want to point out that the issue with "control" might be more with you. Most people aren't trying to control anyone (yeah there's some weirdos out there, but generally speaking) But it sounds like that's a trigger for you and you might perceive others "trying to control you" when they really aren't...and just going by how you said you react, it sounds as though you then handle it passive aggressively. Which doesn't help anything. That's very toxic in a friendship. No wonder people act pissed. Next time try talking with the friend. Tell them you feel like they are making more of the choices in the friendship like where to go out to for example and you would like to try some of your ideas. You're somewhat the kind of person I was referring to. I'm sorry...but if you were a bit more confident, you wouldn't feel like you are being controlled...I can tell you at nearly 35 years old and I've moved many times and have met A LOT of people, not once have I ever felt someone was trying to control me. I doubt most people have every really experienced that other than maybe crazy boy friends or something. Just saying if you address why you are thinking that, you might be able to stop assuming that's what's going on or find out what happened that left you thinking this is what others are doing.

Last edited by GlamourGirl827; 08-05-2015 at 05:29 PM.
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Old 08-10-2015, 10:50 AM   #13  
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I don't relate to the PTA/soccer moms at all and I don't go out drinking on the weekends anymore. When you don't drink it's very hard to get people (outside of family) to invite you to anything. Trust me. Everything revolves around drinking. When I drank I had a huge social life and tons of friends. When I went on the wagon people were no longer interested. They get this notion that sober people think they're better than them or uptight/boring. Honestly, when I see these 40-50 something women posting drunk pics of themselves on FB weekend after weekend it does look really ridiculous so I'm kind of glad I'm not a part of it. I don't think I'm better than them though. I also avoid cliques like the plague so it's partially me not willing to go. I spend a lot of my time with my son, husband and I shoot the breeze with co-workers and aquaintances. I guess that's good enough but I do miss having a close friend sometimes. The few friends I do have left choose to spend 80% of their lives online or God forbid have to leave their boyfriend's side for 2 hours.

The older you get the less you want to deal with people anyway. I sit back and watch drama among friends unfold constantly and I don't need that. I like my drama-free zone.

If a new friend comes along someday that would be nice but I won't hold my breath. People are too self-centered and attached to their iPhones.

This all sounds really bitter but I'm just black and white. People probably don't like that about me either.

Last edited by novangel; 08-10-2015 at 10:52 AM.
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