Anyone have a parent with it? I am just coming to terms with my childhood, spent almost entirely inside, minus school and occasional outings to "safe" places, which was a short list.
I remember my mother having panic attacks in the grocery store, and leaving me in line to pay when she ran out. It got to the point that she payed a neighbor to pick up her groceries.
My dad will not go out to any place but his few safe places. I have never seen him in a public place other than his short list of safe places (about 5 places), He has missed many important times because they are not at safe places, like bday parties.
Dad has not admitted his issue though and continues to say he doesn't feel well, or truck is broken...meanwhile EVERYONE in the family sees this. I dealt with similar issue as a late teen, until I realized I did not want to be like them. I continued to visit/do things that caused me the most distress and even panic attacks, and my issues fizzled out within a few years.
Anyone deal with this? Its causing an issue because my father expects me to bring the kids to him, only with a toddler and a new baby any day, and their house is not kid friendly, it is difficult. When we go, they boys want to go outside, but my father will not let us in his yard (too dangerous he says)...the toddler runs all over grabbing pictures, breakable items etc, ...I bought a booster seat to put him in and dad threw it away (yeah, he won't talk about why)...I have told him that it is difficult visiting with the kids, as they can only sit in his small living room, play with toys that make no noise, blinds closed and cannot go out. Besides, I am really not feeling like chasing around my toddler son the entire time especially with a new born...but when we don't visit, he gets angry, and says to tell the boys he's still alive...
We've been accommodating this for his whole life, maybe it would be easier if he just talked about it. But he insists he can't come to our home because [insert various reasons]...
Wondering if I should talk to my oldest son about how dad isn't normal? I don't want him growing up like me thinking this is ok...wish someone had told me...
Is anyone familiar with this disorder or how to deal with children that are exposed to someone with it?
My Grandmother has agoraphobia and it has been debilitating for a big part of her life. It's gotten worse as she gets older and now that she's in her 80's she's at home at all times. For this she has missed weddings, funerals, family events, parties etc. We try to encourage her but that's all we can do. She let's us take her to the doctor when necessary but it's very stressful for her, she curls up and shivers the whole time. She lives in europe but we go and stay with her for about 2 months every summer. Her behavior doesn't bother me personally, we see her on skype a few times per week, she knits and sends us things, she is involved in our lives eventhough she doesn't venture out of her home and I'm happy to go and see her. I wish for her sake she would've sought help for her agoraphobia but people of her generation and culture just don't. I can't change her and trying to change her would cause too much stress and upset for her, I see no reason for it when I'm happy to go and see her when I can.
Last edited by Palestrina; 03-11-2015 at 08:02 AM.
Thank you. Its interesting you mentioned your grandma, because even though I didn't include it in the post, my father's mother, though not officially diagnosed, looking back, had it horribly as well. I remember her leaving the house for one cousin's engagement party when I was about 15, and one family only Halloween party when I was about 20. She never left the house and ALL family functions were held at her house minus that one Halloween party. She missed all other events, weddings etc minus that one engagement party.
My mom left my dad when I was like 12. He moved in with my grandmother (his mom) and never left her home. She passed away 7 years ago, and he just stayed at her house (she owned it) but it was in a retirement village. He hid her death from the association until he turned 55 so that he could live there legally. I don't know the details of it, but I know he was only 49 when she passed, so that was about 6 years of hiding out. She never left the house so no one really noticed, and she had passed away (she was on hospice) in the very early morning so it seems no neighbors saw her being taken out. She also had no friends. Not a single one. She wasn't a mean person, just never left her home to make friends.
My dad is in denial though and thinks his behavior is normal. He sees other people "going out" as a sign that they are not happy with their lives so they have to look for things to make them happy. He told me once that my kid's birthday parties at various places were for me to feel good, not them. (Even though the kids are old enough to know)..I should mention that I was never given bday parties growing up...
Last edited by GlamourGirl827; 03-11-2015 at 11:02 AM.
Two different things going on. I'm not a doctor so I can't know what's really goin on with your dad. Heck I don't even know if agoraphobia is the right diagnosis for my grandma since I don't think she's been to the doc specifically for that. But she is on anti anxiety medications for her fears and that's how I would classify it, a fear. Honestly it doesn't sound like that's what's going on with your dad, not if he's giving a good dose of judgment on the comings and goings of others.
The ball is in his court at all times, as it should be for all of us. You can't control other people. You can't expect him to come if he doesn't want to. If you want to see him then go see him for your own sake but don't expect reciprocation. It doesn't sound like he can give it.
Its good that at least your grandma is willing to take something (med wise) for her anxiety. It shows she has some kind of awareness that her anxiety needs attention in some way.
My dad's very judgmental, but the older I get, the more it always struck me as obviously a cover up (for him mentally) for all his anxieties and various shortcomings.
I think he truly has himself convinced he doe not go any where because *he* is mentally and emotionally superior to others. He also has expressed the only point to life is being with family, and anyone that doesn't chose to do so by either not having kids, or moving any distance from family (which a lot of people do!) is lost and doesn't get the real meaning of life. He has some narcissistic traits and does believe to "get" things that most don't...like the meaning of life. One time I suggested that some might find fulfillment in something that he doesn't, and can't he understand that they might find the meaning of life in something else. He was truly puzzled and said, that a person like that must not really be happy.
So for him to ever admit that he has an anxiety problem even to himself, I doubt it will happen because he thinks he's perfect for the most part.
My Mom was house bound when I was in grade school for a few years in her 30's. She overcame it, became a Psychologist to help others, and by her mid 40's started to travel. I didn't understand at all what was going on with her when I was a child but I can now say I do understand first hand. People can get better but it's very hard work.
I missed out on a lot with my Mom when I was young because of her anxiety disorder but I had a great 10 years with her before she passed.
Novelangel , I didn't read until now, so I didn't read the TMI.
Its good to hear she was able to get help. My mother had issues with this (I mentioned it in my OP) but she went for help too. She took meds that helped her at least function at a low level (go to the store), and eventually she was able to live pretty normally. Unfortunately she had others issues that prevented her from maintaining normal healthy relationships with others.
In some ways, I wonder if my dad's habits of staying away from others has been because he also has some other serious issues. He has a very nasty temper, triggered by any perceived slight or challenge. Its pretty bad, and the more he has shut himself in as he has grown older, the less conflict he has had, because there's no one to conflict with!
Last edited by GlamourGirl827; 03-17-2015 at 10:51 AM.
Hmm, My Dh, used to be a very outgoing person, but over the years, that has changed. Most drastically, after heart surgery. The finger injuries and amputations, before the heart surgery did not help.
He is ok, in his chosen, circle, anything beyond that, and I can see his anxiety, ratcheting up, like an old farmer, cranking on a handy man jack!
This is hard, on several different levels. I've actually expanded my world, while he is shutting down.
I have talked to him about it, but, as it will be, he is in denial. I get that.
There was a time for me, that I suffered through panic attacks. Ironically, it was the DH, that got me through it.
We are, as married like forever (37years) working through this as well. Sometimes, I give him a pass, sometimes! DUDE! You DO NOT get a pass!
Some things are getting better! He is coming around to embracing the grand children more. This is the do it or I will kick you to the curb! I will not give on that.
He is coming around on that subject. However, I do give him some breaks on other things.
Because, I can see the anxiety. We have talked about it and he does realize, and wants, but has a hard time admitting, other than admitting to me, and only me, that he needs someone to call him on his behavior!
He still gives me crap, when I give him crap about how he acts, but later, he thanks me.
It's a tough row to hoe! I'm willing to compromise, but I will NOT ever GIVE in!
Anyway, I do get what you are saying, and it's HARD!
Its good to hear she was able to get help. My mother had issues with this (I mentioned it in my OP) but she went for help too. She took meds that helped her at least function at a low level (go to the store), and eventually she was able to live pretty normally. Unfortunately she had others issues that prevented her from maintaining normal healthy relationships with others.
In some ways, I wonder if my dad's habits of staying away from others has been because he also has some other serious issues. He has a very nasty temper, triggered by any perceived slight or challenge. Its pretty bad, and the more he has shut himself in as he has grown older, the less conflict he has had, because there's no one to conflict with!
I hate to generalize but most men seem to think avoidance, and/or denial is better than seeking help (needing help to them is a sign of weakness) even if it means they're disrupting the lives of others around them, and more so holding back their own lives. Women are typically more receptive to what's going on and want to fix it. Men don't stop to ask for directions.
Hope this doesn't offend anyone, this has just been my observance when it comes to psychological issues in men vs. women.
Agoraphobia...
He is coming around to embracing the grand children more. This is the do it or I will kick you to the curb! I will not give on that.
