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Old 01-26-2015, 04:57 PM   #1  
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Unhappy I'm that personal chef people say they'd love to have, but not appreciated at home

Many years ago I wanted a personal weight loss chef. I've heard others say it. Someone to cook all your meals, and make them healthy. No thought involved, you can just eat what's served. I've heard some people say if they had that, its would actually be easier for them to lose weight.

Well, I started cooking after my oldest son was born (over 7 years ago) and along with my change in eating over the years, my cooking has followed.
An example menu:

B- Oatmeal, steel cut or old fashion (depending on time), with either fresh fruit, or peanut butter (natural no added sugar), scrambled eggs (I usually do one whole egg to two egg whites, with fresh spinach, red bell peppers, maybe some feta cheese

Lunch - grilled chicken wrap with fresh spinach (or lettuce) fresh veggies depending on what's in the fridge, maybe peppers, tomato, cucumber, maybe some craisins, hummus or a vinaigrette. With maybe carrot sticks and hummus, or an apple, or broccoli and light dip.

Dinner - where the real fun is! There's so many different dinners. Tonight we are having grilled chicken, roasted veggies (broccoli, zucchini, red, yellow and orange bell peppers) and quinoa.

I make almost everything from scratch. Pancakes, waffles are homemade, whole grains, sugar omitted. Sausage is homemade, no store bought loaded with extra stuff. Dinner is always a meat (seafood) with a wide variety of fresh veggies, and whole grains. I can do many things with this combo, not always just 3 items sitting on a plate, but stir "fries" (I cook it healthier) casseroles, many many dishes...thanks to the internet and imagination!!
Very nutritious. We eat very well here.

But I feel like my hubby hates it. Now he is a grown up and can cook his own food if he wants, and does do that for breakfast sometimes and lunch almost always. And he makes very high calorie meals that are void of any fruits or veggies, just makes unhealthy meals, like he puts white sugar in his cereal. (I don't buy white sugar, he does) And he is at least 100 pounds over weight.

But he doesn't cook dinner. He finds it annoying. I doesn't insult my dinners, but he does grumble about it and frequently suggest we order out. I love that I can feed my kids this healthy, and they are fine with it.

I've asked him if he dislikes how we eat and he is just like "its ok". He's not rude about it but the message has been sent that he'd prefer I cook unhealthy because it tastes better. He won't cook for himself for dinner, but I know he's not happy either.

I just feel like so many people would love to have this at home. Of course he is never forced to eat what I make (like for breakfast and lunch he eats other stuff). Its to the point that his disappointment can be cut with a knife when he sees 70% of the dinners. He hates veggies, he hates all whole grains but white rice. He's ok with the meats. But I do make the meat and veggies the biggest servings, and the grains are typically less. Like 40-40-20. Even then, he often takes what I make and covers it in cheese anyway. Or butter. I'm not saying either are bad, but both are loaded with calories.

I guess it would be nice to have a spouse that saw health as a priority and was appreciative of a wife that didn't just dump dinner from a box or take it out of the freezer (like tv dinners) or order out several times a week. Its quite a job keeping a family of 5 (soon to be 6) fed when nearly everything is fresh and homemade. Pouring from the box would be a lot easier. And I feel like not only is all this hard work to feed them well, not appreciated in anyway, but its kind of not liked.

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Old 01-26-2015, 05:33 PM   #2  
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I'm one of those people who would love to be able to afford a personal chef that knew how to make tasty but healthy food and serve me just the right amount so I could lose weight!

I don't know what to suggest for the hubby. It sounds like he's very orally fixated and particularly likes to flavor his food with fat like butter and cheese. Do you think you could jazz up the food a bit more with spices so that he still gets the pleasure from the food but without the fat? I personally love strong and pungent flavors like Thai or Indian curry flavors, and don't feel the need to put a bunch of other stuff on my food if it's got flavors like that.
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Old 01-26-2015, 05:59 PM   #3  
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Ah, I've definitely come a long way with seasoning food. The early days were bland. I've learned to season, not just with dried seasoning but fresh as well (thanks to the internet!) and I use fats when cooking like olive oil and coconut oil. I know when I have been in the habit of eating poorly, poorly is all that tastes good. The flavor of food gets hidden behind salt, sugars, a lot of fat (like lots of butter vs a little to enhance flavor)....He is still eating these types of breakfasts and lunches so I guess when dinner comes along its very blah. I've been there, its understandable.

Yeah I would have loved to have had someone cook for me like this!! That's why I started cooking like this. It was me or no one! lol...But I never get a meal "off". I have never had a meal cooked for me in our home. Hubby doesn't cook. I cook 3x day 7x a week to eat like this. I'd love to have one meal cooked for me!!
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Old 01-26-2015, 06:54 PM   #4  
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That's rough, and I'm sorry to hear it. . I'm glad that you are proud about what you're doing for the kids though!!! That's really inspirational for all that work you put in, good on you!! I'm salivating at the descriptions of all of those foods.

I wish I knew of someway to ease those troubles. My husband is definitely someone who has a hard time with the veggies and is very similar... He loves to go out, KFC, McDonalds, etc. He's not super overweight though (I'm the one considered obese). The only difference is he wants to be a cop so exercise he does good at and hes more willing to try and eat healthy. Its been slow going, I definitely jumped in better than he did (bu my exercise is lacking). I do more cooking and count calories... I had to do a lot of compromise. It means I make roasted veggies constantly cause its one of the only ways he eats them and the thing he likes. It means his fresh vegetables in lunches are dipped in mayonnaise balsamic vinegar. But soon I'll be able to add less oil, switch to healthier dips, etc. Step by step, and I'm proud of him.

It so hard to change people that don't want to change though. Even if he doesn't like the meals because of what he eats, the appreciation of what you do would still be nice!!! Its possible to not necessarily like the taste of your own food but appreciate that you never have to cook a meal for your family and your kids are well fed and that you're getting good foods in you. Hopefully you can talk to him about that aspect of it. You sound very honest and understanding... Even a "I realize you may not personally like what you're eating, but I don't feel like you appreciate what I do for the family and the kids".

Maybe some kind of compromise can be made with the occasional take out food? Like a special once a month day or something (not just for his sake, but even yours to get a day off of all that cooking!) My husband and I still like to eat out, but we try and pick healthier things. We love Pho, Sushi, wraps and sandwiches, etc. Sometimes its just matter of being choosy.

You sound very loving though, and like a fantastic wife and mother!!! I hope a little venting makes you feel better. It might just be that your hubby is so focused on the taste of the food for him that he doesn't realize how much he undermines the whole process and what it means for the family.
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Old 01-26-2015, 07:03 PM   #5  
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I feel like eating healthy is one of those choices that every individual needs to make for themselves. Your cooking is probably appreciated to an extent, but if he doesn't like it, then.. well he doesn't like it. It's hard to continue to appreciate something someone is doing if it's something you dislike and you've expressed displeasure about it, because at that point it seems like the person is doing it more for themselves and less for you. Doesn't matter what that something happens to be.

Our house has something somewhat similar. I work from home, only part time, so I do the cooking because I'm the one with the extra time to do so. Changing my eating habits was my choice, boyfriend not so much. He'd happily eat out every single day. I get lots of fat free, low fat, low calorie foods because they're things I like that help me adhere to changes I've made. However, boyfriend has expressed that recipes taste "bland". I'm not a great cook, I basically stick to recipes.

What we've started doing though, and what seems to be working, is I just get two of a lot of stuff at the grocery store. I'll get my part-skim cheese, and him just regular cheese. We'll have my fat free sour cream, and his full fat stuff. I have my whole wheat tortillas, he has his flour ones. He still gets his soda, I get my Mio. When I can, I put the more calorie heavy stuff on his plate. If that means putting more cheese on it after I've scooped it onto his plate, so be it. If it means giving him bigger portions of meat then on well. I don't take offense to him doing that, or think that he doesn't appreciate my cooking. He absolutely appreciates that I cook, even if he adds a little something extra after. I recognize that his tastes are just different from mine, he's not trying to be insulting.

I'd probably sit down and have a talk with him about it if it's bugging you a lot. Make sure you get on the same page, and if he truly doesn't appreciate the work you're putting into the meals in any form.. then perhaps talk to him about cooking his own meals.

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Old 01-26-2015, 08:03 PM   #6  
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To be honest, I would not worry about it. Some guys are like that and I see some of those traits in my (ex-)marriage as well. He doesn't like the food you are making but he's not putting barriers up to stop you making it either or preventing you feeding the kids it. And he is making his own meals. I say pick your battles and let this one lie.

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Old 01-26-2015, 08:28 PM   #7  
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I'm with Ian but is there something your husband likes? For instance, how about roasted potatoes to go with your roasted veggies? Or fresh bread?

Like I can say that my husband and I eat beans and rice for most home cooked meals but it is varied a lot by the spices and adds. Like tonight, we have guacamole with corn tortillas and salsa. Other nights, it may be Indian style or Ethiopian.

My husband likes greens a lot so every night we have to have some form of greens and there are many ways to cook greens. Garlic and oil is one of my favorite.

But overall, I'd say not to worry too much about it.

(Oh and I go over to my inlaws and cook for them and they break out the sour cream and butter, things I have never eaten and use both liberally. I figure whatever they like.)
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Old 01-26-2015, 08:59 PM   #8  
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Thank you all!

SenseandSensibility thank you for saying so many nice things. I try very hard because I had the opposite kind of mother. Never cooked, never cleaned, just laid on the couch all day. I was obese as a child, we ate lots of garbage. A lazy mom that thought nothing of letting us have a sleeve of Oreos for dinner if it was easier for her.

Sunarie, we do some of those things, like he does always get bigger portions. I don't really do 2 sets of foods anymore. We usually meet in the middle at low fat. I actually don't mind full fat, but my gallbladder has been a problem this pregnancy so milk, cheeses must be low fat. I am also the only one that grocery shops. Always. I guess I got tired of buying doubles of everything. I used to accommodate, A LOT. But as the family is growing I got tired of it. He is always welcome to buy his own stuff, but I'm the only doing all the meal planning and this is what I am making for myself and the kids, this is what he can eat. The kids appreciate it, usually. My toddler had grilled chicken and roasted veggies tonight and loved it , not the quinoa, he spit that out lol...but I guess its like this is what I'm making/buying, take it or do your own shopping/ cooking. Not nice I know.

Yeah Ian, I don't think its something that will be an issue. I hope someday my kids will be happy to have been given a healthy start. I can't say it wouldn't be nice to have a husband that ate the same way and truly enjoyed my cooking. But he is not means or rude about it. When I made mac n cheese last week using a recipe from here actually, cauliflower cheese sauce, my kids loved it. My 7 year old had nothing but good things to say. My hubby who will eat until feeling ill with mac n cheese, had one small serving. He won't say "this is gross" but him barely eating one portion is how I know. I asked and he said he didn't like it. Oh well, I figure, you want homemade mac n cheese that is loaded with calories, make it yourself. (I didn't say that). But yeah he's not making things difficult, and he is doing what he'd rather not (eating some veggies) to set a good example for the kids.

I still wish he really liked my healthy cooking, or preferred it over crappy food, but the situation could be much worse.
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Old 01-26-2015, 09:06 PM   #9  
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Nelie I was still typing when you posted. Yeah, I do potatoes pretty often, just baked, but I've just stopped limiting our (kids and I) foods because my hubby doesn't like long list of food. I usually make potatoes as the starch. So a meat, veggie then potato. But some nights I make quinoa, rice, or spaghetti squash. I don't do bread with the meals because then the kids want bread too. Its just not needed to have the bread (and butter) as extra every night. But if hubby eats without the kids if he works late and they are a sleep, he will have some bread and butter sometimes. He agrees his eating habits are poor, and doesn't want to example it to the kids. I really give him credit for that. Even if he wants to eat junk food like ice cream, which he doesn't often, he will wait until they are asleep. I am grateful he puts the kids first in this situation.
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Old 01-26-2015, 09:14 PM   #10  
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Oh, definitely keep up the awesome job cooking for the kids. I really wish I had better eating habits when my son was younger. It's caused some issues now. I also do all our grocery shopping, but.. I don't have a bunch of kids to buy for either. Just one that visits on some weekends and for holidays. I do think you have the right attitude as far as cooking stuff goes. If he truly doesn't like it then he doesn't have to eat it. There have definitely been some meals boyfriend doesn't like, and he has some microwaveable things to make when that's the case. I don't like.. cook him a separate meal. Adding things on is one thing, cooking two things something differently entirely, lol.
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Old 01-27-2015, 07:37 AM   #11  
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Overall it's not a bad situation. He has some poor habits but it sounds like he's at least trying. But this is the unfortunate aspect of marriage, the fact that these little things can add up to cause so much stress over time. My husband is awesome, except for those little things (socks go in the laundry basket, not on the floor, why is this such a difficult thing to teach him?) and there are days where I will walk into the bedroom and see those socks lying on the floor and I'll just want to curl up and cry. I know I know, don't sweat the small stuff but over time that small annoyance can add up to a lot of resentment and dissatisfaction. We all have to work very hard to continuously put things into perspective and tell ourselves to just "let it go."

I know how difficult it is to change my own eating habits so trying to get someone else to change is a battle that can't be won, you know that. People don't change and even if they want to change it doesn't happen over night. Of course his taste buds are completely fried - processed food and excess fat have a way of taking over and changing our perception of flavor. The only way to change that is to not eat those high fat processed foods but he's not willing to and there's not much you can do about it.

Do you use herbs in cooking? I find that herbs add a nutrient punch as well as a flavor punch. Offer bold flavors like pesto that is extra garlicky, toss parsley into the salad - I put it in everything lol. And for creative ways to cook veggies check out Ottolenghi's cookbook "Plenty" - it's purely vegetarian and it's awesome.
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Old 01-27-2015, 07:40 AM   #12  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nelie View Post

My husband likes greens a lot so every night we have to have some form of greens and there are many ways to cook greens. Garlic and oil is one of my favorite.
I don't want to derail but would you be willing to share some of your ways to cook greens? We eat a lot of greens here too, either steamed and drizzled with olive oil and lemon or sauteed with garlic and oil and chili flakes. I toss arugula or spinach into pasta dishes and add bok choy and cabbage to stir fries. What do you do?

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Old 01-27-2015, 07:47 AM   #13  
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GG - I sometimes forget people eat butter with bread (my inlaws are the only people I've ever seen do this). But I think my idea was really, double starch may be a more satisfying meal for your husband. And it is really about portion size so if your kids wanted bread, it wouldn't really be bad and I'd expect they'd cut down on their portion of other food.

Wannabe - I should start a thread about it. My husband is funny, sometimes I'll make a ton of roasted veggies (asparagus, eggplant, zucchini) and then he'll accuse me of not making any vegetables... I'm like what? It is basically the lack of greens.
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Old 01-27-2015, 08:34 AM   #14  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wannabeskinny View Post
Overall it's not a bad situation. He has some poor habits but it sounds like he's at least trying. But this is the unfortunate aspect of marriage, the fact that these little things can add up to cause so much stress over time.

I know how difficult it is to change my own eating habits so trying to get someone else to change is a battle that can't be won, you know that. People don't change and even if they want to change it doesn't happen over night. Of course his taste buds are completely fried - processed food and excess fat have a way of taking over and changing our perception of flavor. The only way to change that is to not eat those high fat processed foods but he's not willing to and there's not much you can do about it.

.
^^ THIS^^

I think there are deeper issues at play here with hubby and I. Don't want to acknowledge them, because I keep hoping they will go away. The little things (regarding health) have added up. But you are 100% right that its just not something I can change about him, either the eating or other areas of concern. it has never been in my control and never will be.

At around 15 years old I started down a path of starving and binging. Its weird what details we remember in our lives. but I remember it was the summer before junior year and I was changing school (again, went to 8 different school growing up) and I didn't want to be the fat girl. I stopped eating mayo, and cheese, and cutting back. I also started going for jogs and doing various floor exercises like legs lifts etc. And I lost weight, and I restricted more, and when I would finally binge I felt like a failure and would just eat myself sick. This cycle was my life. I'd try fad diets. Restricting calories to 400 or less a day, exercising for hours at a time for work off those calories. The less I ate the better I thought I was. Going to nursing school was what started me on the course of understanding why eating was so important. And it took a lot of work to begin to heal the habit of my eating disorder. And its not all gone. I can and have easily relapsed. I'm particularly vulnerable after having a baby because I get major anxiety from the extra weight.

But I've come along way, and I can pretty much say I am not longer afraid of food. I eat very well 90% of the time. And 10% when my gallbladder is not an issue (something I likely ruined from the repeated rapid weightloss over the years) I enjoy pizza or ice cream. I finally love to exercise. Its not a punishment for eating wrong, or something I only do when I'm dieting. Its as part of my life as showering.


And over this journey, hubby has not changed. He did get on the weight loss once bandwagon last Jan, lost about 40 pounds then stopped and gained it all back. That was the only time he has ever even made an effort. Some days I think it would be less disheartening if he at least kept trying and not being successful because just having the motivation to try means so much. He doesn't make excuses, he just says he hates being fat but doesn't want to eat better (or less, the volume is a big issue with him) or exercise.

This has caused a lot of issues, more on my end because I now have this lifestyle and I am married to someone that doesn't share it at all. I am so envious of the wives that can go for runs with their husbands. Friends of mine that sign up for 5k with their spouse, go for bike rides, enjoy fitness together. I am angry that now as he has gotten into his 30s he is (last time he was checked) prediabetic and has high blood pressure but refuses to go on medicine because he keeps saying he will lose it but doesn't even remotely try! He complains of pains, and aches and flat out says its from his weight. He has been using a c-pap for a few years now. Its not like he's carrying an extra 30 pounds, its like over 100 pounds he needs to lose. And he was a healthy weight when we met, BUT he never had healthy habits, it just took some time to catch up with him. He makes everything about food and uses every chance to eat junk. This irritates me only because of the kids. With the superbowl coming up Sunday, his main focus is binging. Now he doesn't call it that, but I'm a veteran of binging. Its an excuse to binge, tons of appetizers, 2 pizzas, chips and crackers, cheese, and much more but I said no, not in this house in front of the kids.. I just flat out said if you want to eat yourself sick, go out. Our kids are not going to grow up associating every event with eating junk until they are sick. A few snacks are expected, but for him its like "yeah, wife isn't cooking her healthy meals, let me eat until I burst!" Its not about the game at all.

I get it, I've been there. But its a nightmare living with someone that is still like that. Its depressing, frustrating and exhausting always being the wall between his gorging and our kids. Believe me, if I didn't say anything, he would not be setting a good example for the kids. But I talk, and talk and talk, and yeah, probably guilt him.

I'm the one that has changed, not him. So I feel awful. All the statistics say I shouldn't be able to change. I'm supposed to battle my weight forever. I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life eating healthy but wishing I was eating cake. Its been weird not thinking that way anymore. Its an adjustment for me, and I'm sure for hubby. Maybe he never thought I'd actually change. I didn't. Looking back, I can see how much happier he was when I'd fail. When I'd give up and binge on junk, it just made him so happy to have his fat eating partner back. And how much he hated when I was back to losing weight.

So maybe its more than just the cooking. Its everything. I don't know how to address this. I cannot make him change, but I'm miserable. I don't even know where to go from here. I think the cooking is just a symptom of my overall frustration with his poor habits and lifestyle. I can't imagine something so stupid can cause so many issues.

I edited it to add that hubby is absolutely educated in all this. He has his masters in a health care provider role (physician assistant) so he is WELL aware of at the health implications for obesity, of ignoring his high bp and sugar. And still every morning he's dumping sugar into his coffee. I have tried talk to him about it in every way possible and he just gets nasty and angry. Its not an approachable subject so all this resentment just builds up...

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Old 01-27-2015, 10:07 AM   #15  
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That must be very hard to deal with, I'm sorry to hear it. For what it's worth I don't think he ever wanted you to fail, so rather than being happy when you did fail it was more like relief that the pressure was off iykwim. I'm sure logically he is very happy that you are healthier than ever and that you've managed to accomplish what you've always strived for.

My father was a lot like what you describe your husband to be like. He doesn't understand reason and pleading or guilt. I'd see him smear like 3tbsp of butter on one piece of toast followed by a half a cup of jam and it would drive me insane. For him, more is more and make it a double. He doesn't seem to have any health issues but then again he point blank refuses to ever go see a doctor, even for a teeth cleaning and so who knows what the heck is going on in there. I only see them a couple of times a year and I don't know how my mother can stand to watch him eat what he eats. It's infuriating. But my mother says that she's learned to give up and just take care of her own self, she also says she's spent decades fighting about this with no results and that it's not worth her sanity to spend any more time arguing about it with him since he blatantly refuses to change. It is what it is and at some point you have to just take care of yourself.
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