I really hate it when you make a lifestyle decision like, for example, not watching TV, or not eating sweets, or wanting to raise your kids a certain way, and people get super defensive and critical about it.
I made a comment in a FB group in that when my husband and I have kids, we don't really want them watching TV. And this one person got super defensive about it, like I was criticizing her or other parents who do it. I grew up watching TV, and so did my husband, and as of now Comedy Central is on, it's just something I'd like to change by the time we have kids. His aunt and uncle homeschooled their twins, didn't have a TV, and traveled the world, and they're great, smart, well-rounded girls, and when we visited them a couple of summers ago (they were 18 at the time), it was refreshing to not have a TV on (they don't even have one), they weren't on their phones, and were reading while waiting for dinner. It was nice. And relaxing.
If people want to have TV in their homes, that's fine. there is nothing *wrong* with it. Just like I don't plan on keeping dessert in the house... I rarely had it when I was growing up, and I still don't have it, and I could care less for sweets.
To get on track.... people do this about weight loss and exercise all of the time! It's really nothing personal against other people who aren't on that path. It's that I just want to make a change, and it's nothing against others who don't want to make a change, or who don't eat or exercise the way I do.
Do you deal with people who are critical of your lifestyle decisions and changes?
I think it's generally good for as-yet-childless people to avoid making comments about their ideal parenting style in front of people who are already parents. Plan with your husband all you like about it, but until you have kids of your own, don't mention it to your friends with kids, except perhaps to ask their opinions of whether your ideals are realistic or attainable.
The world of parenting is littered with the expectations and intentions of folks who planned to never let their kids watch TV, eat junk food, play video games, etc. The reality of parenting is considerably different, and lots of people have found it not as easy as they thought, for all kinds of reasons, to stick to the ideals they were absolutely sure would be a part of their parenting.
I say this as a non-parent myself - it is all too easy to make proclamations about what you will do when you are a parent; folks with kids will always feel stung and judged from a very high horse when you do that publicly, because no matter how much empathy you have you really can't know what it's like until you are faced with it for real. Best to keep these ideals to yourself, for now.
I think it's generally good for as-yet-childless people to avoid making comments about their ideal parenting style in front of people who are already parents. Plan with your husband all you like about it, but until you have kids of your own, don't mention it to your friends with kids, except perhaps to ask their opinions of whether your ideals are realistic or attainable.
The world of parenting is littered with the expectations and intentions of folks who planned to never let their kids watch TV, eat junk food, play video games, etc. The reality of parenting is considerably different, and lots of people have found it not as easy as they thought, for all kinds of reasons, to stick to the ideals they were absolutely sure would be a part of their parenting.
I say this as a non-parent myself - it is all too easy to make proclamations about what you will do when you are a parent; folks with kids will always feel stung and judged from a very high horse when you do that publicly, because no matter how much empathy you have you really can't know what it's like until you are faced with it for real. Best to keep these ideals to yourself, for now.
So well said.
OP, I don't disagree with your view on TV or not wanting it. But you are in no position to plan that kind of stuff for kids that don't exist yet. Its cute, because young childless people do it all the time. And depending on how many kids you have and many other factors, you may or may not be able to follow through. Its much easier to entertain 1 kid while you make dinner, do the dishes, do the laundry etc (not to mention you only have one kids that's making a mess behind you.) But add several kids to the mix, of various ages, and chores and such you have to get done, and things get hairy. But you can be the mom that makes everything out of a box, or has a messy house. You may have all girls that sit and color while you cook. Boys don't do that. One boy, maybe. But the more you have, well they work in a pack mentality. Not too bad in the summer, send them outside, if you have a yard (we are fortunately enough to have that) but live somewhere that they can't just be sent outside? Or its winter? Or one kid is vomiting all over and you are trying to clean it up, but the other two still need to be feed, and cleaning cleaning cleaning...This was my evening last night. 17 month old started throwing up around dinner time in the living room, and you don't want to burn dinner or your older kids running through the vomit. My 7y/o might get to stay away from it but 4 y/o is a little harder...good tv show, means older kid out of the way while I tend to the disaster in the living room plus watching dinner at the same time, and of course having to stop to wash my hands like 1000 times for fear of getting anyone else sick.
We don't watch a lot of tv, and my oldest son comes home with many shows (from peers, don't forget your kid won't be living in a bubble) that we don't watch. He asked me to watch 'the amazing race" a few weeks ago....um no way, even my hubby and I don't watch that kind of stuff. (We actually didn't have a tv when we were childless either) But sometimes it keeps them occupied so I can cook dinner or do the floors, because those things have to be done. We just choose child appropriate programs.
Have a few kids and you'll feel pretty bad for what you posted on facebook. Not because its wrong to not want tv, but because you have no idea what's its like to be a parent.
Last edited by GlamourGirl827; 01-07-2015 at 07:41 AM.
You made a public proclamation and when you do that you have to be prepared that others will perceive it in a negative way. Why after all are you proclaming this if not from a place of judgement of others? What made you think to say something like that if not prompted by seeing a parent do it? On behalf of all parents out there, I would roll my eyes at that if I saw it in my newsfeed and perhaps even comment with a snide remark like "easy to say now" or I'd post a pic of my 3yr old with his tablet in defiance.
Gee I remember the days of "I'll never do this with my kid" and "I can't believe parents who do that" thoughts. We all have them when we are on the verge of starting a family yet not quite there yet. There's absolutely nothing wrong with aspiring to be a good parent! I had the same thoughts myself. But reality presents challenges that makes one waiver on their high and mighty aspirations from time to time.
I urge you to speak to this wundermom that you mentioned, the one without tv. Get the real scoop on what it's like to raise kids without tv. I bet she has issues to deal with too, it can't all be perfect and glossy as you see it. And then if you really want to make proclamations then get rid of your tv right now! See how easy it is and then get on the public soapbox.
I didn't use a TV as a babysitter by any means but if I didn't have one in the house to keep him occupied while I was sick with the flu or desperately needed to shower, I would've easily lost my mind. If you choose not to have any TV more power to you. Doesn't make any difference to me.
Gee I remember the days of "I'll never do this with my kid" and "I can't believe parents who do that" thoughts. We all have them when we are on the verge of starting a family yet not quite there yet. There's absolutely nothing wrong with aspiring to be a good parent! I had the same thoughts myself. But reality presents challenges that makes one waiver on their high and mighty aspirations from time to time.
I remember too.
Just like everyone else said, it can come off judgmental to make those kinds of blanket statements when you're not in the situation, even if you didn't mean it that way.
I'll tell you that we don't have cable in my house and my daughter reads MUCH more than most other kids, but as a "formerly" single mom, it was almost impossible to do all of the laundry, cook all of the healthy and balanced meals, clean the entire house, do all of the yard work, and entertain a small child at the same time. Sometimes computer games and Netflix serve a purpose.
couple of thoughts: i've seen people post things like this too and I just scroll on by, partly because lots of people have lots of ideals that crumble in the face of reality and partly because they can have their opinions and it doesn't really matter to me....
i grew up on a homestead and we didn't have TV or computers until I was older - TV when I was 10 and that was one basic channel and a computer when I was about 14 and that was before the age of iPhones and internet....what did we do? we helped around the house...we were homeschooled...we hauled wood and water...we played with Barbie dolls, played outside (watch out for moose!) and read alot, drew alot, colored alot....
what did families do in the olden days without the electronics? i'm not sure but I'd guess that all the kids helped with chores, played outside, and that families had more than one adult around to help tackle multiple issues going on at the same time(?)
I strive for a balance - my kids have school, they have activities, they have friends, they play inside and outside, they help with chores (either they clean WITH me or they play somewhere out of my way) and we also have our share of electronic time as well
I agree that sometimes it's best as a non-parent to not share child-related opinions in order to avoid backlash like that. You are of course free to say whatever you want, as long as you understand the consequences. And inevitably, as a non-parent sharing future plans, you will offend some parents. Even when you become a parent, you will probably offend other parents.
As far as weightloss, I also try to avoid that topic (except for on this weight loss forum and a weightloss-centric Facebook group I belong to). I just don't like the confrontation that is inevitable when I share my opinion on that topic. If someone asks, I may respond in a private message and only say what is my experience or my opinion and I try to provide links to research if it's an especially heated topic such as Intermittent Fasting (which I do, and a lot of people freak out when they hear about it!).
At work, a few coworkers talk very openly about Weight Watchers, which they belong to, and weight loss in general. They have learned that although I'm obviously losing weight, I don't like to provide a lot of details so they don't ask me many questions about it anymore and I don't bring it up either to anyone. Point is, if you don't like confrontation, you'll have to develop your own ways to avoid it.
However, I disagree with GlamourGirl's opinion that "you are in no position to plan that kind of stuff for kids that don't exist yet." It is incredibly important that you have those discussions with your husband, but of course with an eye towards reason - discuss the ideal, but recognize the ideal may change when reality strikes!
To get on track.... people do this about weight loss and exercise all of the time! It's really nothing personal against other people who aren't on that path. It's that I just want to make a change, and it's nothing against others who don't want to make a change, or who don't eat or exercise the way I do.
Do you deal with people who are critical of your lifestyle decisions and changes?
Ack ... I've been dealing with it since around 1999 when I had to stop consuming gluten. I have a friend who STILL doesn't get it. Who literally will ask me, WHENEVER I'M OVER TO HER HOUSE, "You can't eat bread, or flour??? Well, what about biscuits, they came out of a can!"
Seriously???
My mother never did understand it and that woman never touched a drop of milk in my entire life due to the most painful lactose intolerance of anyone I've ever known. And she was born in 1936, long before that phrase entered the public lexicon! But she could not wrap her mind around the fact that grain did to my stomach what milk did to hers!
And the other thing ... a lot of people are the hero in their own little life adventure, and they just LOOOOOVE their drama. If you go around thinking the universe revolves around you, you're going to automatically take a comment that someone is giving up a food you like as some comment that YOU should give that food up, too.
Frankly the only person I apply that philosophy to is my husband
I don't have kids myself, and my husband and I frequently talk about our plans for when we do and how we'll raise them... but it's generally something we keep to ourselves, because those comments are absolutely judgmental the way we talk about them at home (for instance, my husband will say "Let's not be like those parents who _____"), and I'd feel like I was being judgmental if I said any of those things, even phrased differently, to a parent in response to the way they've chosen to raise their kids.
By commenting in response to their choices, you're doing exactly the same thing as the people who are responding to you.
As an example, I'd really like to home-school my children, because my research shows it gives them a better chance at success, and I think I'd be good at it and have fun doing it. And sometimes when discussions about the school system or similar subjects come up at work, I want to bring that up.
But even though I've done my research and made a decision that I think would be right for my family (we'll see when we get there, mind you), there's a big difference between saying "well I'm going to homeschool my kids" and "I've heard homeschooling is pretty good, statistically speaking." Because then it becomes a conversation topic and a way for people to integrate some information or share their own opinions, instead of something that could be taken as judgmental.
I don't have kids myself, and my husband and I frequently talk about our plans for when we do and how we'll raise them... but it's generally something we keep to ourselves, because those comments are absolutely judgmental the way we talk about them at home (for instance, my husband will say "Let's not be like those parents who _____"), and I'd feel like I was being judgmental if I said any of those things, even phrased differently, to a parent in response to the way they've chosen to raise their kids.
By commenting in response to their choices, you're doing exactly the same thing as the people who are responding to you.
As an example, I'd really like to home-school my children, because my research shows it gives them a better chance at success, and I think I'd be good at it and have fun doing it. And sometimes when discussions about the school system or similar subjects come up at work, I want to bring that up.
But even though I've done my research and made a decision that I think would be right for my family (we'll see when we get there, mind you), there's a big difference between saying "well I'm going to homeschool my kids" and "I've heard homeschooling is pretty good, statistically speaking." Because then it becomes a conversation topic and a way for people to integrate some information or share their own opinions, instead of something that could be taken as judgmental.
slightly off topic....but if you homeschool, speaking as one who was homeschooled until 8th grade, please please(!!) make sure your kids get the social skills and social involvement that they would if going to a public school....i was homeschooled on a remote area and didn't get that and it was a HARD(!!) social adjustment when I finally had to go out in the world, make friends, be a friend, not to mention romantic attachments etc
not trying to knock homeschooling at all, because i've also considered it for my kids....just sharing a thought with you
slightly off topic....but if you homeschool, speaking as one who was homeschooled until 8th grade, please please(!!) make sure your kids get the social skills and social involvement that they would if going to a public school....i was homeschooled on a remote area and didn't get that and it was a HARD(!!) social adjustment when I finally had to go out in the world, make friends, be a friend, not to mention romantic attachments etc
not trying to knock homeschooling at all, because i've also considered it for my kids....just sharing a thought with you
This is a difficult subject for me (socialization of kids, generally speaking) because my mother refused to allow my school to bump me ahead grades because she was concerned about my apparent issues with social skills. Apparently my teachers were suggesting about 2 years' advancement, she said no, and looking back I think the progression would have been helpful for me not just for mental stimulation, but also for social skill development. My friends all tended to be older than me anyway.
I hold a firm belief that children today are less mature than children were from older generations, because of more socialization with adults (whereas today kids are encouraged mainly to play with other kids their age, which I think actually stunts social development). I think a broader range of socialization (with various age groups, but especially adults) is a good idea. For maturity.
Anyway, all that said, I think living in a remote area and not having much socialization at all outside of family isn't great, because the world's made up of many types of people with many ways of thinking. So on that front I think you're completely right. We all need to be exposed to as much of the world as possible to be compatible with it.
I haven't really worked out a parenting strategy or anything (and it might go out the window anyway, once I do), but I live in a big city and I really look forward to bringing my future kids to activities, including ones that involve others—like martial arts, maybe team sports, and other things I'm not skilled at myself. I think it would depend what my kids were interested in, and I suspect they'd have an interest in socializing. I don't plan on denying them that.
what did we do? we helped around the house...we were homeschooled...we hauled wood and water...we played with Barbie dolls, played outside (watch out for moose!) and read alot, drew alot, colored alot....
That's ideal to me. Sounds nice. And I know that's what my aunt and uncle in-law did. Homeschooled, but also traveled. I'm sure it was easier because they were twin girls.
I agree that sometimes it's best as a non-parent to not share child-related opinions in order to avoid backlash like that. You are of course free to say whatever you want, as long as you understand the consequences. And inevitably, as a non-parent sharing future plans, you will offend some parents. Even when you become a parent, you will probably offend other parents.
That seriously makes me never want to have kids. I think parents now are a lot more judgmental and critical and mean to other parents than they were when I was a kid. I don't remember my mom ever going through that, but then again she was an awesome mom and if she did she didn't talk about it. (I'm a product of the 80s).
I just honestly didn't think that it would be so controversial to say you don't want TV in your house once you have kids. To me, it's just TV. Just like snack foods and dessert.
I also don't like it when people will say that I'll change my mind. Maybe, but maybe not.
I think it's a good idea to have an idea of what you want to do once you have kids. It's not set in stone. Nothing is set in stone.
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As far as weightloss, I also try to avoid that topic (except for on this weight loss forum and a weightloss-centric Facebook group I belong to). I just don't like the confrontation that is inevitable when I share my opinion on that topic. If someone asks, I may respond in a private message and only say what is my experience or my opinion and I try to provide links to research if it's an especially heated topic such as Intermittent Fasting (which I do, and a lot of people freak out when they hear about it!).
At work, a few coworkers talk very openly about Weight Watchers, which they belong to, and weight loss in general. They have learned that although I'm obviously losing weight, I don't like to provide a lot of details so they don't ask me many questions about it anymore and I don't bring it up either to anyone. Point is, if you don't like confrontation, you'll have to develop your own ways to avoid it.
Yeah I don't tell anyone that I'm dieting. Besides my mom and my husband (who obviously knows). Because everyone has a darn opinion and some people will really get on you if you aren't sticking to it, in their perception.
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However, I disagree with GlamourGirl's opinion that "you are in no position to plan that kind of stuff for kids that don't exist yet." It is incredibly important that you have those discussions with your husband, but of course with an eye towards reason - discuss the ideal, but recognize the ideal may change when reality strikes!
Absolutely. And I never really thought about it until recently, and my mom has been encouraging me to really think about how we want to raise our future non-existant kids, what activities, public vs private school, if we want to take them to church (both of us are fairly nonreligious, I went to church growing up and I had great memories until high school), etc, but I'm not dumb and I know things change. People on the thread frustrated me because they took it as me not putting any thought into it, and also being totally not going to budge. And totally anti-electroic, too, which isn't true either. And then it morphed into "You'd be depriving them of pop culture and media if you took it away from them!"
Last edited by banditbear; 01-07-2015 at 08:06 PM.
Something that bugs me
