I eat my emotions. Some background info.....
The hubby ignores me. Mid sentence he just all of a sudden goes away. He tunes me out. I can be talking to him eye to eye and suddenly....squirrel! If I call out for help from another room he claims he can't hear me, but if he yells I am supposed to be able to hear him. I can be literally shoulder to shoulder with him and he says he didn't know I was talking to him even though he was talking to me 2 seconds ago and there is no one else around. Any scenario you can think of to ignore someone I think he might have done it. sigh
I could believe him but we can be having a back and forth conversation and he suddenly just ignores me. When I get upset because he has done this yet again, he gets angry with me as if I somehow made it up.
I think he does it on purpose just to hurt me. He of course denies it.
I honestly am starting to think I might be going insane at this point. He swears I wasn't talking but I know I was. At this point I only talk to him what is necessary to go about our day or errand.
I have explained to him how badly it hurts and that it makes me feel like I am worthless and he gets upset and tells me he can't help it when he does it. I have told him that this is going to be the reason we get a divorce one day when I just can't take it anymore but it happens over and over. It isn't a new problem but at this point it probably happens at least once every 10 days.
I am not asking for how to make him actually listen though.
I have been eating non stop for 3 days because I have to pack it down. If I don't eat and shove it down I might start crying or screaming and won't be able to stop. I can see myself screaming until they come and haul me away.It scares me.
I have eaten so much today that I am sick and in pain. But the stomach pain doesn't hurt as much as my heart does so I eat more to try to smother the heart. It honestly would hurt less if he just punched me because when he tunes me out or ignores me it feels like someone has taken a knife and sliced my chest and stomach inside.
How do I stop eating my pain? How do I quit hurting like this? Why do I give someone else so much power over how I feel about myself?
Therapy? Tried it. Counseling? Tried it. Self help books? Tried them. Nothing changes.
If I could leave I would but I really don't have anywhere to turn. No money since I lost my job, No family, No friends I would want to live with even to spend the night.
I really feel stuck and completely alone and I just hurt so badly. The sad thing is I do love him but I absolutely despise him for hurting my heart so much. I guess I hate myself as well for allowing him to cause me pain. I don't understand why if he loves me like he claims he would constantly do something that tears me up like this.
I feel abused but also like a whiny baby. Waaaahhh he tunes me out. Boo hoo he ignores me. He works and doesn't lay a finger on me, never cusses at me or calls me names. Lets me buy what I want when I want. No matter what happens he can let it go in 2 seconds and move on while I am wallowing in anger and sadness. The only real problem in our marriage is the whole tuning out thing. He doesn't do this with anyone else. He hears everyone else fine.
This is probably not the place for this and please feel free to remove it if it is not acceptable in any way. But this is the only place online that I ever post in and that only rarely.
How do I stop with the food? I have tried games and books and crafts and food is just easiest. I paint my nails to try to not eat it doesn't work. Brush my teeth, chew gum, mints. Nothing works I will choke down nasty tasting food because I know it will not taste so bad in a few bites. Sigh sigh sigh.
My heart goes out to you Sending love and prayers your way!
My husband can be like that a little bit, but not nearly as bad or hurtful! He just doesn't remember what I say sometimes. I usually have to write things down for him cause that's just the way he's wired. He's so much less auditory than me. But there are still days where I've asked him, and myself, am I crazy? I swear I was talking! I swear I said this to you three times! I can relate a little. And he's sweet too, let's me buy anything I want, admits when he's wrong, etc. The difference is when I feel ignored he always communicates with me until we come to an understanding. I'm sorry that's not happening in your marriage and that's he's unwilling.
I don't have any tips for not eating, as my over eating is less emotional and more just lack of self control and understanding my bodies needs. I also don't mind that hungry feeling if I know a meal is coming up soon, like lunch or dinner. I can wait. Especially because even after I eat, I can still feel hungry for another twenty minutes until my brain catches up with my stomach. But everyone has their vices, and while I don't turn to food, I turn to other things.
The only thing I can think to suggest, and its not from experience or anything, is just to get away from the food. Go for a walk, leave the wallet, and take one healthy snack with you, a book, and/or a water bottle. It sounds like you've tried a lot, so maybe you've tried this -I don't know-. You said you've tried hobbies and gum and nail painting, but do you like those things? Maybe instead of just doing something to distract, you can look for something that you like to do and is also rewarding so you aren't gratified by food, but something else that's better for you.
That sounds like a lot to deal with, and it takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there and open up. I hope and pray that things get easier and better for you.
Last edited by SenseAndSensibility; 12-18-2014 at 04:14 PM.
If you have tried marriage conselling and failed then you are really on the ropes. My marriage split six months ago so you have my full sympathies. If this is the last straw you really need to start thinking about exit options. Having no money, no family, no friends and nowhere to live is not going to cut it. You need to start working on options. My wife when she decided to leave me had been applying for jobs, had been finding somewhere to live etc. etc. and when she finally came round to telling me she had been doing these things I supported her in these efforts. It does no-one any good to remain in an unhappy, broken marriage. Especially not the kids.
That being said...
Your eating is not going to help the problem. So you need to try to separate your eating from your marriage issues. Worse, your eating may be actually fuelling your marriage problems because there is always the temptation to use the marriage as an excuse to eat badly. If you need to distract yourself, make healthy eating your distraction or (vigorous) exercise (worked for me).
Regarding the marriage, you might be overwhelming him with expectations on his listening ability. What are you talking to him about? Men are fixers so if they get bombarded with problems they hear they have to fix them all. Women often just want someone to listen, not to fix the problems. This could be an issue that you could just reassure him on. That you don't need him to fix stuff, just listen. But it really depends on what you are trying to communicate to him. Warm loving thoughts? Or problems? Or chores? Babies or lack of (God forbid, those can really stress guys out)?
A note up front: This entire post is about the relationship aspect, not the food. Yes, I know it's a weight loss forum, but we're here to support each other through the whole thing, not just the food part, and emotions are closely linked. If you can obtain the level of emotional support you need at home, I think that would help so much more than an approach that distances you from your husband in order to work on another part of your life. (I actually think IanG's advice is great, but we have different interpretations of where you're at in your relationship, each based on our own biases. I'm in a happy, long-term relationship so obviously my view is different. I don't know which viewpoint is more helpful to you. Perhaps Ian's is!)
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I think I'm a bit like your husband (even though I'm female), and it's actually a reality that I won't hear my husband say something to me even when he's standing right next to me. Sometimes I respond over a minute later when his words make it into my head, but I suspect sometimes I don't hear him at all. He teases me about it, or tells me he told me something earlier, when I don't remember.
I've had my ears tested and they're fine (I was worried they weren't). The issue seems to be that I tune out common or expected sounds (like my husband talking :P) when I have something else in the forefront of my mind, or I'm focussed on a task.
But I think there are a few differences in our case that make our relationship work well despite my weird hearing issues:
1. My husband isn't extremely talkative, he knows I love him and mean well, and he doesn't base his feelings of relationship security on whether I'm paying attention to him at a given moment. He's happy to let something drop, and if it's important he'll bring it up later.
2. When I find out I haven't been hearing my husband, I apologize, and make it an explicit priority to hear him out and discuss the thing he needs to talk about.
That probably makes it look like I think you're in the wrong or something, but I don't. I just think the issue isn't your husband not hearing you, but rather, your husband not addressing that issue with you and sitting down in a distraction-free zone to have a talk about it. Even just an apology would make things so much better, don't you think? Like "Hon, I'm so sorry, I didn't realize, just, the water was running and I was thinking about something else. Do you need something?"
If you're not getting the emotional support you need, then I think it's good you're being clear about that. It looks like you've identified how you're feeling here and that's further than most of us get when we're upset.
Is there a way you can have a real conversation with him, perhaps out of the house like in a coffee shop, and just sit down and tell him how you're feeling? That'd be my first instinct if I was in that situation. I think it would be important to address the things he does really well and the things you love about him at the same time, so he can really understand the conflict you're feeling. It's one thing to say "I feel really bad when you do this" and another thing entirely to say "I feel really bad when you do this, and it's hard for me to reconcile it with all these wonderful things you do that make me feel happy and loved." You mentioned he works hard and takes care of you, and maybe to him those things are more important than conversations around the house. So I think it might be good for him to realize you're not just being needy or anything - you appreciate who he is and what he does every day, and just want to work on a part of your relationship that's important to you.
I feel abused but also like a whiny baby. Waaaahhh he tunes me out. Boo hoo he ignores me. He works and doesn't lay a finger on me, never cusses at me or calls me names. Lets me buy what I want when I want. No matter what happens he can let it go in 2 seconds and move on while I am wallowing in anger and sadness. The only real problem in our marriage is the whole tuning out thing. He doesn't do this with anyone else. He hears everyone else fine.
Don't doubt your own feelings. There's nothing worse than a partner who is indifferent and apathetic. I know what you mean when you say you're better off if he hit you or something, then at least there is some sort of emotion behind his motives rather than complete disconnect that he is exhibiting. I think this problem has to be approached dually from opposite sides. First you have to make sure you convey to him not only your frustration with his lack of communication but also urge him to address this problem. If you're constantly attacking him with feelings then he's not likely to respond. But if you approach him with a plan then he may be on board. I hate to say this but men are really scared of heaping mounds of emotions, they don't know what to do with that, especially if they don't think there's any point to it. They are much more interested in a course of action.
But from the opposite end you need to enhance your life with more people. You may be expecting too much of him, and even in the best of marriages one person cannot fulfill our every needs. This is what girlfriends are for, support groups, close family. Also you need to invest in yourself, invest in your personal passion and find some autonomy in your life. If you want all your emotional needs to be fulfilled by one person then it's no wonder that that person is tuning out, who wants that kind of responsibility. This is not an excuse for his behavior because he is indeed being hurtful, however moving forward requires effort on both your parts and you may need to readjust how you get your needs met. My support circles includes my husband, my two best friends, my nutritional therapist, my career, my new moon women's circle, and getting plenty of "alone time" so that I can practice my chi gong and exercise. And I love going to the movies by myself, or shopping and taking myself out to dinner. I'm my own best friend hehe.
Turning to food is not illegal, I've been there and I still go there when necessary. But learning new coping skills is crucial if you are to maintain your physical and emotional health. Even though I had gone through therapy in the past nothing helped me until I started seeing a Nutritional Therapist who specialized in intuitive eating. She's helping me learn REAL coping skills and I'm turning to food less and less.
I can certainly sympathize with your plight, my husband has a hearing problem and before we knew about it we were in constant battle mode because I thought he was ignoring me. We've learned better ways to communicate now, if he ignores me I take the time to slow down and say "hey, I need you to listen to what I'm saying right now ok?" which causes him to stop and focus on me. We also communicate a lot by text and leaving notes for eachother like "don't forget to pick up batteries on your way home." The key is to finding the right kind of communication between the 2 of you.
Last edited by Palestrina; 12-19-2014 at 07:27 AM.
Perhaps I'm jumping to conclusions, but as I can only respond from the content of this one post I recommend you look up "gaslighting". It's designed to make you feel like you're going crazy, when you absolutely aren't. What made me think of this is in addition to him insisting you weren't speaking when you know you were, and this not happening with others indicating no hearing issues, your emotional response of feeling like you're crazy or worried you'll be hauled away sounds like the expected reaction.
You are not a whiny baby. I don't know your circumstances beyond what you've posted, but it's possible you are abused and your feelings of being abused are valid (gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse, and it's no less valid to feel abused than being punched).
That said, it's hard to tell from one anonymous forum post if you're being abused or if there is a misunderstanding, albeit a painful one. If you feel safe to do so, I recommend sitting your husband down and discussing your feelings about this with him. Pick a time when you're feeling calm and rational, e.g., not as soon as he has ignored you. If he's prepared to discuss this rationally with you this is a good sign. If he ignores you again, blows you off, insists you're making it up...that's not such a good sign.
I've never been abused/trapped in an abusive environment, so I don't understand all the complicating factors. However, I encourage you to start working on a way to get out as Ian suggests. At least give yourself options by increasing your skill set so you can find a job if you'd like, expand your network of friends as wannabe suggests, and you may consider contacting a domestic crisis center in your area. You can at least get the advice and emotional support of trained professionals.
Response re: food
Regarding the food, I'm still working on this myself as I'm a very emotional eater. But I recommend you look for other ways of getting out your anger and frustration. Exercise is a great one. I like weightlifting and kickboxing when I'm stressed/angry. Find an extracurricular activity you can focus your time on and redirect your energy into that rather than food. It's a great way to meet new people. You could join a religious group that suits you (sewing circles, a womens group, a group for your age), volunteer program, dance class, crafting group, etc. When I'm at my dance classes and performance and thinking about dance, I'm not worried about trying to binge eat (yes, I can go out of my way just to binge eat). A lot of people use journaling. Nature walks are a good emotional release for me too.
Okay, I'm just going to say this out and let the cards lay where they will:
As long as you don't respect and love yourself, you're not going to take care of yourself. How can you love yourself when you live with a man who makes you feel worthless and invisible? If you're a stay at home wife then how your spouse feels about you and treats you often makes up a HUGE part of your identity, trust me, I'm living it. I am blessed by a wonderful, one in a million husband and, despite the fact I have health issues that make a job next to impossible (at least for now), I STILL get hung up on the fact I'm not bringing in a paycheck and question my own value. If he was a jerk, I'd be emotionally gutted.
The simple fact is, you need to stop stuffing down your emotions and channel it into something productive. Hopelessness is an enormous energy suck. You need to get yourself hopeful and motivated. Get a resume together, start networking, get out of the house, even if you have to volunteer (it can be used on a resume as work experience), take online courses, anything that gets you moving in a positive direction.
You need a job.
Get some money together (there's more than one way to do that, unless he completely controls the finances).
Establish your own credit if you don't have it already.
When you lose the feeling of helplessness you will lose the feeling of hopelessness.
As far as the food, you just need to train yourself to have different coping methods. I don't see anything wrong with crying, really. Screaming I tend to not like.. but you should be able to have a good cry if you want to. Even if it lasts hours it'll probably feel good to get it out.
I know you wanted advice on the food, but the relationship stuff is closely tied to the food.. both in the sense that it's causing the emotions that urge you to binge, and in the sense that it's negatively effecting your self worth... I can only go off what you posted, so I apologize if this is out of line.. your post hit home with me in a lot of places because it sounds a lot like the last guy I dated before I got together with current boyfriend.
He'd buy me things, never hit me, and he could just walk away from an issue and be fine (which was actually part of the problem). The only difference is that this guy wasn't affectionate at all. He'd get upset if I wanted so much as a hug, and he was not that way prior to moving in together. I lived with that guy for 2 years and it slowly destroyed my self esteem. I had a lot of the same thoughts you described in your post.. about me just being whiny, or me being the crazy one. He had his friends telling me that he was a good guy and all that nice stuff too. I didn't feel like I could leave because I'd grown apart from my friends and family as a result of the relationship. Eventually I got to a breaking point though (I was contemplating suicide to the point where I was actually holding a gun at a few points and then couldn't bring myself to actually go through with it) and I started looking for a job, then got my own place. I found my friends again, and things slowly got better. I absolutely had to break away from the relationship before I emotionally began to heal though. The first few weeks at work while I got enough money to move out were extremely tough, but after that things slowly improved.
It truly sucks to feel so lonely when you aren't even actually alone.. and then feel you have no escape. I will also say that I tried talking with him on multiple occasions about what specifically made me feel what way, and what he could do to make me feel better. I also tried to get him to come to my depression counselor with me as he thought depression was something I should be able to just "switch off" and that was a constant struggle. He refused all that stuff and would make comments about how I was trying to change him and therefore obviously didn't love him. So leaving was a last ditch, major crisis moment on my end.
You situation sounds incredibly frustrating. I would not have any tolerance for that. I'm a quiet person by nature, so I don't think it's asking a lot for my SO to listen when I actually talk.
I won't try and offer marital advice. But as to not eating your frustrations: Maybe pop in a piece of sugarless gum? Go for a walk? Do you have hobbies you can do? Especially of the type that keep your hands busy such as gardening or knitting? Do some things that will raise your self-worth. What about volunteering? Perhaps your local place of worship has volunteer opportunities, or a soup kitchen, or the local SPCA might need help exercising the dogs so they are more adoptable, etc? Try and do something that is within your area of interest, so you stay interested in it over the long term. Volunteering may also open you up to new friendships, which would also make you feel better. One thing that has been a Godsend for me is Meetup dot com, because I like to hike and I found an all-ladies hiking group there and so I go hiking with them. It's made my life more social and more active. Meetup has tons of things- photography groups, knitting groups, book clubs, you name it. You might check that out.
Has he ever been evaluated for ADHD? I have a severe case of it myself and he sounds exactly like me in conversations. I get distracted by the TV or a game or book. I can't hear my SO in the next room if I'm focusing on something else. I will blank out even if my SO is right next to me but I work hard to make sure I focus and work at it as much as I can. Sometimes, he even has to say "Are you even looking at me?" and I have to remind myself to look at him when he's speaking because I'm too busy looking at everything else in the room.
That being said, how you're being treated isn't fair to you. I know I am difficult to carry a conversation with and I work at it to make it less difficult and your husband should work at it too. Pretending you were listening is worse than admitting you weren't, in my opinion.
I agree with what others have said, you should get out there and look for a job you'll love doing or expanding your hobbies.
I really hope things work out between the two of you.
I have a co worker that is like that. One minute she's on board, next minute, she's a million miles away. It is very frustrating.
That said. Intimate relationships, what we think we want and or expect, and how we interact with our significant other, are not always obvious to us.
It's time to start observing. Observe, what you do and say, and what he does and says.
Leave EMOTION out of it. This is about DATA.
Observe, gather facts, then take a look at the facts. If you always do "A" and he always does "B", change "A!" He's not likely to change "B", if it's working for him.
Nothing will ever change, if nothing ever changes!
I know change is hard, and I know it is scary.
But if this is not working, and you want to keep this relationship, you are the one that is going to have to step up and do the hard stuff! And you do it for yourself first! None of us can be any good to anyone else, if we do not value ourselves first!
I have a co worker that is like that. One minute she's on board, next minute, she's a million miles away. It is very frustrating.
I think it could go either way. Someone with ADHD might be so easily distractable they jump to the next thing without bringing you along...
I have the opposite "problem." I'm extremely focused, to the point where I can't pull my attention away from things to let my senses work properly. I have some response mechanisms built in but if I'm focused on a task and someone talks to me, I'm likely to forget they ever talked to me, even if I respond to them at the time.
Thank you all for the advice. I do appreciate it. I didn't take any of it wrong and tried to see everyones ideas about it.
I told him I was going to leave after the first of the year, no idea where to go or what to do but he can have it all, house, farm, everything but 1 car and my clothes. He was angry about it and I told him I didn't care if he was angry, I was angry too.
We finally talked about it a few days after that. I refused to be the one to open up the conversation yet again so I waited until he made a true effort to communicate to me, usually I always start it.
He said I finally put it in a way that made sense to him and that he was wrong about doing that. He is a man of his word and listens to everyone but me, when I am the most important thing to him and I should get the consideration he gives everyone else but even more.
He is going to get his hearing checked thankfully since I have suggested that every time this has happened, I have offered to text him, call him, carry a notebook and write notes to him wherever we are and he has always shot those ideas down, so at least he is willing to start looking for a possible cause. I don't know if I quite believe he has hearing issues since he hears everyone but me, but I won't rule it out.
It has been better for a few days but we will have to wait and see if he actually did get the message, I did tell him if it happens any more I will leave because it just hurts too bad to stay in with it like that. Sometimes I can write it off, if he is working on something, or reading because when I read I can get pretty involved with it and it takes me a few seconds to realize someone is talking to me, but I usually answer, but I think that is a mom trick always having one ear open.
So here is hoping that it changes.
How do I stop?
Sending love and prayers your way!
