I have had many people stop talking to me throughout my life, some family and some not. This has happened more so since getting married to my husband. His family is similar to how you described your mom. At first it bothered me because I had never done anything to them but they hated me. It was said they felt I was too good for everyone but I was always nice. However, I dress and was raised different than them, so I guess based on how I carry myself they got that impression from me. Anyhow, I decided to no longer let them control how I feel. You have to start worrying about yourself. If your mom chooses not to have you in her life and your dad chooses to go along with it, it is her loss not yours. I suggest you move on, act as though it is no big deal because the one thing most people can't stand is to see that their actions are not bothering you. I know that is what me and my husband do and yet most of his family now has something to do with me. While the relationship is not perfect, my husband has some of his family back. However, I don't think your mom will cut you out forever but if she does don't let her actions bother you. Also, if you do have a relationship again, don't mention anymore what she does or does not do wrong, her actions or her own. Her happiness or unhappiness are hers alone as well.
So my Dad called yesterday and I asked if Mom had any plans of softening up or if this estrangement between us is permanent. He said lately she says that I'm not talking to her. Which isn't factual, obviously- she hung up on me, and she is the one who's been mad for 3 months.
But is this a form of reaching out for her? Like, is it a way of saying, "If you call me, I'll start talking to you again?" or is it just a way of shifting blame? Because I'm willing to extend an olive branch if there's a chance. But I have zero desire for her to hurt me or slap me down again. My birthday's in two weeks and I'm not going to try before then because it seems to me that it would appear I'm just fishing for presents and I couldn't care less about that. So I was thinking some time in April I might try. Maybe.
Thanks. I forgot one major thing, or at least it felt major to me. My dad, who is actually my step-dad, made a comment about his two daughters. He has me, his step-daughter, and he also has a biological daughter. My mom said to him, "You really only have one daughter." Like she was discouraging him of thinking of me as his daughter. He's been my step-dad for 32 years- I was 10 years old when they got married. I am really hurt by this, because it's like she wants him to cut me out of his life the same way she has cut me out of her life.
I'm so sorry. I hope he recognizes what a caring and loving daughter you are, and how great a loss it would be to let your mother's words get between his relationship with you!
My mom was very much like that, always angry at someone and so obsessive about it, talking of nothing else except what was her latest rage. she really had little to do with most of her grandchildren because she was so involved with being angry.
She is now 91 and going into dementia. I was talking to a friend whose mother is similiar and and we had to chuckle. We both thought they are so much nicer now because they can't remember for longer than a few minutes what is currently pissing them off. My mom remembers herself as a loving grandmother.
So sadly, I don't think your mom will change. Her temper and obsessiveness are too much a part of her. You are very lucky that she meet your dad, sounds like he has been a lifesaver for you.
So wish me luck- I've got flowers scheduled to be delivered to my Mom on Friday with a card. I'm kind of scared, it's the most personal thing I've tried since she stopped speaking to me in November, and thus stands the greatest chance of rejection by her. She ignored what I sent at Christmas and destroyed what I sent on her birthday in January. I feel like I have to try, but with how she is I know I'm opening myself up to a potentially bad reaction from her. But I'm hoping it may thaw things out a little. I guess I figured our relationship can't get a whole lot worse. About the only thing that could be worse would be if she reacted by saying I should never contact her again (which isn't out of the realm of possibility with my Mom...) but considering she hasn't spoken to me since November I guess it wouldn't make much of a practical difference. She has shifted to telling my Dad that it's me that's not speaking to her, not the other way around. Which may just be her refusing to own her part in this, but it also may be a weak attempt at reconciliation. Anyway, wish me luck.
She ignored what I sent at Christmas and destroyed what I sent on her birthday in January. I feel like I have to try, but with how she is I know I'm opening myself up to a potentially bad reaction from her. But I'm hoping it may thaw things out a little. I guess I figured our relationship can't get a whole lot worse.
You get an A++ for trying. In my honest opinion this is the one holiday that I would advise to stay away from completely. It's a day for honoring mothers and she's done nothing motherly in quite a while. Are you sure you're up for this? Just know that it's not up to you to make this situation better, it takes 2 to tango and she likes to run chaotic. Best of luck, you don't deserve to be treated this way, I wish you the best!
You get an A++ for trying. In my honest opinion this is the one holiday that I would advise to stay away from completely. It's a day for honoring mothers and she's done nothing motherly in quite a while. Are you sure you're up for this? Just know that it's not up to you to make this situation better, it takes 2 to tango and she likes to run chaotic. Best of luck, you don't deserve to be treated this way, I wish you the best!
My Mom has always been a stickler for people remembering her birthday and Mother's Day. I caught her wrath as a teenager for forgetting Mother's Day once, to the point that for years my Dad would remind me of her birthday and Mother's Day even when I was making sure not to forget them myself. So I figured it was better for me to do something nice and if she rejects me that's on her, than to ignore Mother's Day and have her be able to hold that against me. Plus, I really do love her. She's always been a difficult person but also a loyal, generous and loving person (on her terms, of course). This person she's been since November isn't the Mom I grew up with. My Dad did say she's been better lately, so I'm hoping. I don't really have high expectations. Best case scenario is that she'll figure she got her due and continue ignoring me. Worst case scenario is she'll find something offensive in flowers and a card. But I guess a little small part of me is hoping she might actually decide to get over her mad and stop shutting me out.
She is now 91 and going into dementia. I was talking to a friend whose mother is similiar and and we had to chuckle. We both thought they are so much nicer now because they can't remember for longer than a few minutes what is currently pissing them off.
I shouldn't laugh but this will be me. I'm nice (usually) but always have something stressing me out.
At one time when I needed her most, my mother chose to reject me as well.
It hurt so bad.
I'm older now, I do not need her, but she is still my mother.
And I do still love her. However, as a self supporting adult, I can choose, how this goes.
This does not mean I won't have anything to do with her, just means, it will be on nicer terms, or it won't be.
It feels so counter-intuitive to have a bad relationship with a mom but sometimes it really is unavoidable and not your fault. With the exception of the alcohol your mom could be my mom! And if I ever share with a friend that we don't get along I get the look that says 'oh my how could you not get along with your mother...what's wrong with you?!'.....I say try being my mom's daughter and then talk to me about it.
Like you I love my mom, and I'm sorry things are the way they are, but they need to be that way. My mom has had depression for years and my dad, like yours, was an enabler of sorts to keep the peace. Before he died I asked why he didn't do something and he said he was trying to protect the family as a whole....and I kind of respect that. His death has riled her and she's gone even more off the rails than is usual for her. In answer to another poster who wondered if they can hide it from friends they can, and very well. My mom regales her friends (and our aunts etc.) with tales of how awful us kids are to her, me moreso than my sister, and I just let her get on with it. I feel like if I were one of those friends I'd notice how odd all her stories about her kids were and take them with a massive grain of salt.
I too get the 'oh you're not talking to me' thing all the time, and everything that happens is my fault. But I let her have that. I think go ahead, whatever gets her through. I don't buy into it and I don't care what she tells people about me. I also moved a few hours away so our contract would be minimal I want her to be as happy as she can and I'm protecting myself in the process. I know I've done nothing wrong and that's the most important thing to me.
I have always had a bad relationship with my mother. She was never nice to me. Always mean and abusive. She is the reason for many issues that I deal with right now and I am in my 40s. I tried and tried to get a relationship with her, doing things for her, going out of my way yet I found out she was talking bad about me behind my back, lying about stuff that I did. It took 40 years but I am done with her. I have forgiven her for that but I refuse to have a relationship with her while she is that way. I don't care what society dictates. They didn't go through what I went through. I am much happier and getting over my issues. Good luck with your mom and anyone else but after a life time of making me feel at some points completely worthless, I will not be subjected to it anymore. I am worth more than that. It took me many years and therapy to know this but I know it now and I am doing it being happy without someone that hurt me in my life. Take care.
It was a mixed bag. My Dad called me Monday and said he'd warned my Mom that I was sending flowers (she doesn't do surprises well) and her response was "I wish she wouldn't." But then when the flowers got there she said they were pretty, and she read the card and said it was a very nice card. Of course, I got nothing but silence from her personally, but that's better than finding out she put them down the garbage disposal or something.
I had actually reached the point that if she had pitched a fit I was just going to be done trying. I was braced for it, really. But she didn't and now I feel sort of like, "what now?"
I am sorry you are going through this.
I want her to be as happy as she can and I'm protecting myself in the process. I know I've done nothing wrong and that's the most important thing to me.
