I am so so incredibly sorry that this is going on. I feel your pain. I actually had an almost identical situation happen with my Mom. So, you're mom essentially perceived a non existent slight, and has now lashed out at you like you're pure evil, and expects you to grovel and bend the knee to her to apologize for something you never did, or even thought about doing. Yep, that sounds about right. This exact thing happened with my mother on Monday this week while I was visiting. She ended up abandoning my brother and I on the side of the road and said she was "done" with the both of us. Now she's trying to make it seem like we not only insulted her, but are being mean by not communicating with her now (like really? you think I want to talk to you??).
It sounds like whatever is going on with your mom is a completely illogical and unreasonable paranoid image of the world and her relationships. You, (like me) have a decision to make. You can either sacrifice your self worth and possibly your sanity and health (the anxiety alone is incredibly debilitating, you sound incredibly stressed and rightfully so) in order to have an abusive relationship with her. Or, you can start drawing boundaries with her. I have yet to do this with my own mother, because I'm terrified to do it, but I think it's what needs to be done. Essentially, tell her that you will not take responsibility for her perceived slights and for her emotions, she needs to do that. And if she would like to have a relationship with you, she cannot treat you that way. Just draw a line in the sand, and hope that her love for you will be enough to get over herself and reach out. You cannot sacrifice your life to be her therapist and at the very least listen to her when she is being crazy about other family members. That gun is going to keep turning around and shooting you in the face, because that is what she does, you are not special in that regard. So, you can either decide to take the abuse, or you can leave the situation. Unfortunately, having a good relationship with her in this state is just not an option. I'm coming to terms with that reality right now, and I'm grieving. It's an awful feeling, because she will always be your mother, and I'm sure you love her very much despite the way she is. It's especially hard when you are constantly being guilted into just taking that hit and apologizing one more time (which is such a habit by now it's almost a reflex, so hard to not just take the hit one more time and move on). But do you really want this to happen to you the rest of your life? This is what I'm asking myself now. I don't want this to be my life... FOREVER. and it will be, because she won't change. So if I want things to be different, I HAVE to be the one to change.
I hope that things get better for you soon, and again, YOUR life, YOUR health, and YOUR feelings matter too.
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I sympathize with you, and all who are having family issues. I went through this too, and it surprises me to hear others talk about it, because I thought I was the only one. I think there is something that goes on between mothers and adult daughters. Too many hens in the nest, or something like that. Since you girls seem to be younger than I, maybe your mothers are going through menopause. It can do weird things to your mind. I could never say to someone the things my mother used to say to me. She fought with all her sisters too and they all died never having reconciled. She it was definitely her issue, not mine. I don't have children, but I have two step-children that I raised, and I hope I never treat them that way.
Dee - I am so very sorry this happened, it is awful..of course you are extremely upset!! It does sound like a mental health issue, that your mom has imagined things that did not happen, and ignoring reality..and I am bewildered and sad that your Dad is not supporting you more solidly.
To be cut so badly by one's own parents is just awful! and then reading so many other heartfelt responses, that it does happen It is NOT right and it is NOT fair but bad things happen to good people and all of you have been strong to not allow yourselves to be crushed in spirit.
of the responders my heart especially went to Trstan, who said she has lurked here for YEARS yet her first post ever was to respond to this...I am so sorry about the loss of your daughter and that your mom was awful about that...and I respect so much your strength to just treat her like any other acquaintance.
Hey everyone- I just read the latest responses and just wanted to say to everyone who responded, thank you so much. There's good advice here, and a disconcerting amount of people who have the same problem with their mom. Wow. I'm sorry you all are going through it, but it does make me feel not so alone. I haven't gotten the dreaded letter yet, and I'm glad. I was really afraid she was going to hit me with it yesterday. Thanksgiving is hard enough when it's the only one I can remember in my life where my Mom and I weren't speaking. It felt really odd to not call and wish them a Happy Thanksgiving. I was afraid she'd compound it my sending the dreaded letter, but thankfully she did not.
I do love my Mom and this whole situation sucks. But I am leaning toward drawing that line in the sand. She's been enabled for years, including by me. And so I'm partially responsible for this. All of us have tiptoed around her and watched what we said so closely...even normal stuff can set her off. And then we'd apologize. But after this episode I think I'm done with that. If she wants to have a relationship on an adult level, great. If she wants to continue to dish out emotional abuse, I'm not ok with that. I'm not sure yet how I will convey that message but right now that's where I'm leaning.
I hope you all had a Happy Thanksgiving. Thanks so much!
If she wants to have a relationship on an adult level, great. If she wants to continue to dish out emotional abuse, I'm not ok with that.
That's how my therapist told me to handle my mother. Stick around as long as she's acting civil and respecting my boundaries. When she crosses the line, tell her I'll be back when she decides to be a grown up.
Problem is, she always crosses that line and always will. I just don't feel like sticking around for the inevitable meltdown, freeze out, thaw out cycle. My time on this earth is better spent creating a good relationship with my own daughter.
It's been three years since I spoke to either of my parents and they've been the most peaceful three years of my life. I have no regrets.
Good luck to you, Dee, and all the rest of you dealing with these kind of toxic relationships.
That's how my therapist told me to handle my mother. Stick around as long as she's acting civil and respecting my boundaries. When she crosses the line, tell her I'll be back when she decides to be a grown up.
Problem is, she always crosses that line and always will. I just don't feel like sticking around for the inevitable meltdown, freeze out, thaw out cycle. My time on this earth is better spent creating a good relationship with my own daughter.
It's been three years since I spoke to either of my parents and they've been the most peaceful three years of my life. I have no regrets.
Good luck to you, Dee, and all the rest of you dealing with these kind of toxic relationships.
I'm not sure how you phrase this when you talk to your mother... and I know a lot of people speak to their children this way, which is understandable. But to me it sounds kind of inflammatory. It may be true that she's not acting like a grown-up, but I'm not sure if pointing that out is helpful.
If I was acting childishly or vindictive or any other way, I would feel self-righteous about it and more set in my opinion if someone talked to me this way. And even if I ultimately agreed, I'd have bad feelings towards the person for trying to make me feel bad by saying that. It's a lot easier for me to apologize and improve that relationship if the other person hasn't also said something hurtful.
If the person simply left without comment (without telling me to act like a grown up, in other words), I would see that and feel more guilty, and realize my wrongs a lot more quickly. And it would make me want a relationship with that person, rather than wanting to push them away more.
Maybe that's just me.
But, I guess that's one of those things that comes down to pride, and how much of it you're willing to swallow to have a better relationship. I'm not saying I'm good at taking my own advice, but if I consciously knew how important a relationship was to me, I wouldn't tell them to act like a grown up.
I was just paraphrasing my therapist. I don't literally tell her I'll be back when she's being a grown up. I leave without comment, as you suggested. However, it doesn't really matter what I do or how I react because it's always the same. She has mental health issues that she refuses to deal with. She treats everyone like this.
I've endured her abuse, or swallowed my pride, or however one cares to parse out the wording, but there came a point when I decided that it isn't a more important relationship than the one I have with myself. I don't doubt that some would judge me harshly for cutting her out of my life, but then they haven't dealt with her for the last 40 years either. And of course some people would tolerate any behavior that comes from a relative. That's their choice, and if they're comfortable with it, I don't judge.
I'm comfortable with my decision, and I present it to say " You don't have to keep beating your against a wall just because someone is blood. "
Everything Claygirl said. I would also suggest going to Al-Anon meetings to help you deal with the effects of her alcoholism on the family since she refuses to do so herself. Don't put your sanity in jeopardy for anyone, not even blood. She sounds incredibly toxic. Be strong.
Just as an update, I drew a line with my mother (a small one, but it's something). She kept texting me trying to get me to talk to her, and I responded by telling her I feel very upset and hurt by her behavior, and I need time and space from her right now. Right after that she texted me 4 times expressing she was sorry and I could call whenever I want. When I didn't call back within a few hours, she texted saying "is is really that hard to give me a chance to explain?". Then yesterday she texted me 11 more times trying to get me to talk to her. first the "I'm in a lot of emotional pain" then the "you're right to be angry", then the "I'm just worried about you" then the orders "just call anyway". I still haven't responded because she is not respecting my request to her. So far the line has not been respected, but, she's not used to me not immediately forgiving her. I'm honestly worried that she will drive up here, if she does, I will not speak with her either. I'm trying really hard to respect the line I've drawn and stick to it, and to not enable this behavior. I think she really is feeling everything she is saying, but it's also manipulative in a way.
EagleRiverDee, lets take our lives back! It's hard, and I already am experiencing guilty feelings, but I know in my heart I'm doing the right thing, and I think that you are too. Best of luck.
Good for you. I have an aunt like that, my mom's a smaller version of that level of psycho. I don't know what Id do with full level psycho. My aunt is ignored and not a part of my life, when she's ready to apologize and act like an adult maybe then we can move somewhere towards cordial. My heart pains for you, i know its hard to stand by your guns. If people didn't enable this behavior would be much less tolerated.
Hi everyone, I was on vacation last week so missed all the recent posts.
Things stand the same with my mom right now. Still no contact. I have not got "the letter" from her yet which is fine with me because I know it will only contain attacks.
Here's the thing on my mom- I'm not sure if she's got a mental illness, or if she's just a manipulative shrew. The reason I say that is because the only people she treats this way is family. I've never seen her just flip out on a stranger or friend like this. Ever. People tell me she's mentally ill, but would she truly be able to control it like that if she were? it's like she reserves the abuse for her family because we love her and she can get away with it, and that just makes me feel resentful.
On another note- Christmas. Argh, what to do? Send presents as usual, or no? Send a card, or no? I feel darned if I do, darned if I don't as either option may be held against me. If my dad calls this week, I'll ask him, I guess.
wow. I'm very sorry to hear, i hope things work out for you. hugs.
