Thank you all for your replies. I can see how that form of expression, be it a lie or not, the need to say "look at me and how little I eat" can come from a place of very deep insecurity. I guess I have a hard time truly empathizing with that way of dealing with it. While I have insecurities in some areas (I imagine most people do) I seem to deal better with them by just owning it. I feel like it becomes the gorilla in the room, when the person pretends they are something they are not, or lies/stretches the truth or what have you in an attempt to cover up their insecurity. Everyone sees it, every knows its there, but then it becomes this awkward game of not talking about it.
I did not know that about history, the culture of women eating, though I can absolutely imagine that is the roots of our culture today. I believe that it is seen as a negative quality in a woman to really eat in public. Women are not supposed to put away a hearty meal like a man. I have to say I have never had to deal with this. In very public situations I still get some degree of anxiousness. I don't know why, though I can take a pretty good guess where it originated. I will often get nauseous and be unable to eat. My mind if like "what the heck? I'm fine!" but my body reacts with all the affects of anxiety. Its annoying to say the least. I hate that it looks like I'm not eating, but truthfully I just can't stomach anything heavy. I do ok in small get togethers and can eat a regular meal, but I have never been one to gorge at meals so its still not an issue. My down fall is sweets. Even on a day like today, I can eat normal, healthy portions all day, but sometimes in the afternoon, and always at night I get cravings to eat lots of sweets! And its great when that I can go all day and eat normal, but then eating like 1000 or more calories before bed really causes a problem.
I suspect thin women that are saying they are barley ever hungry, really don't mean that. I would imagine that they too are fighting urges to over eat. But they don't give in like you or I, they continue not eating much day after day, for fear that they will get fat. I would think somewhere in their life they learned to fear getting fat, and it haunts them daily, like an anorexic. So they tell the world they are not really hungry, to convince themselves and others, rather than just say, "I am very hungry and want to eat a lot more but I'm afraid to."
I guess I don't define myself by my ED. I can see how some people would think they are bad people because if their food struggles. I just don't feel that way. I see it as something I'd like to keep working on, but I know I am more than an ED. So being honest about how I eat, if the topic comes up, to me doesn't make me look damaged. I see it as me being real about what I need to fix.
I do believe women when they say they are not hungry. My mother for example is very cyclical with her eating. One days he can eat throughout the day and the next day she hardly eats at all. She never over eats they eat that I can but I remember a lifetime of her not being able to tolerate the slightest bit of food the day after thanksgiving. He's not lying about it and she's upfront about her hunger or non hunger. But in all honesty most women who are ok with their bodies and their eating don't speak much about their hunger or lack there of. There's no front, so there's not much to say.
In my experience, there are thin people who honestly aren't hungry or lie about it - both exist. I don't think its to convince themselves though if they are lying, but to avoid the social repercussions. Even outside of hunger - cravings. At least where I am from, there is this unstated idealism of being thin but being able to scarf away tons of food without much exercise. Its looked down upon to admit to cravings honestly and choose not to eat it, let alone hunger pangs (beyond what hte body needs, my own pangs are out of wack from the old days). However, it is also looked down upon to regain weight, we could all be honest and upfront and I was for awhile but nowadays I have to admit I just pretend like I don't have those cravings when casual convos about food start. I feel no shame in not addressing all my body junk food wants. However, I am just very tired of getting the reaction that I do when I am upfront that I no longer go for the old foods that I do to keep up my new weight.
I suspect thin women that are saying they are barley ever hungry, really don't mean that. I would imagine that they too are fighting urges to over eat. But they don't give in like you or I, they continue not eating much day after day, for fear that they will get fat. I would think somewhere in their life they learned to fear getting fat, and it haunts them daily, like an anorexic. So they tell the world they are not really hungry, to convince themselves and others, rather than just say, "I am very hungry and want to eat a lot more but I'm afraid to.
This sounds very compassionate, but why aren't you assuming the exact same motive for your cousin? Why do thin women deserve more compassion for lying (saying something they don't mean)?
Personally, I don't assume that thin women are lying any more or less than fat women. I think you can take the word "thin" out of your above quote and it would be true of many women, even possibly your cousin, and it would be false for other women, thin and fat.
In our culture, it has long (as in decades) been assumed that thin women work much harder at weigh loss and weight management (reinforcing the idea that they are more virtuous and their motives more honest and pure), but more and more research is turning that on its head.
On the whole, overweight and obese women work harder at weight loss, they just fail more often, and not for lack of honesty, willpower, or strength of moral character. Biochemistry plays a huge role, both in getting fat, and in trying to get slim. Social stigma reinforces the idea that if you're fat, you're not worthy of anyone's interest and care, which along with biochemistry pull depression into the mix, which also makes self-care that much more difficult.
Women are thin for dozens, if not thousands of reasons, both in and out of their personal control. The same is true of fat women. We can't assume anyone is lying about their experience. And we shouldn't assume that fat women are any less honest or that they have more sinister motives for lies or inaccuracies.
Our culture teaches us to be annoyed with and contemptful of fat people. We see them as lazy, crazy, stupid, and selfish, and we largely ignore any and all evidence to the contrary. And, sadly research finds that overweight, formerly overweight and other weight-conscious women hold the most animosity, contempt, and prejudices against obese individuals.
We're taught to hate or at least be annoyed with, and to withhold compassion for those who are overweight, even (or more accurately, especially) ourselves.
I truly believe compassion is the first step to winning the weight loss battle; compassion for ourselves and each other. When women of any weight lie or delude themselves about their weight, appetite, eating... it is almost always out of fear of judgement.
Sadly, that fear of judgement is all too often justified. Even when we try, we can't seem to eradicate the concept of blame and virtue from weight management. Fat and fat people are bad. Thin and thin people are good. Fat people lie. Thin people just "didn't really mean" what they said.
I'm not able to reply in detail right now, but I want to clarify. I'm talking specifically bout the thin women kaplods mentioned that go out of their way to draw attention to their lack of appetite, not a woman of any weight thin or not that simply says she's not hungry. Seem everyone was picturing the latter. I believe anyone that feels the need to beat people over the head with "I'm not hungry" is dealing with some serious insecurity, similar to what wannabe said. Someone that is secure does not need to discuss, broadcast and inform others excessively or unnecessarily of their lack of eating. I think it makes more sense when a thin person constantly says they are not hungry/didn't eat much (still insecurity) but makes more sense. What a fat person says it constantly, as I am around my cousin often, even if it is fueled by the same insecurity it is not as logical. I don't care how you dice it, we don't get fat by barely eating, whether we want to hide it or only talk about the days that we don't eat much, your body will tell others what you are doing, even in secret. I agree that this is a very upsetting thing. I have said many times I wish my body didn't tell the world how my eating / exercising was going at any given time. But its still the way it is. I'll be back shortly to post to the rest.
In that case, I don't know any of those types of people myself. Usually if people just out of the blue say that (unless its the case where they've had a life history of people commenting about either eating/weight so they bring it up beforehand cause they now expect comments) its expressing genuine concern about their appetite. Sounds strange.
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Hello GlamourGirl827,
This is in response to your first post. I have not read all the replies, but just have some experience to share with you. Hope it helps.
I have a sister who used to do that. She is and always has been obese. She used to tell me she didn't know why she cannot lose weight and would go into the details of what she eats daily. One day I was at her house and I saw her eat two large sandwiches. She used to always say that she only eats "a sandwich" for lunch. I really believe she had no idea how much she was eating.
I know food is an addiction for some people. If you've ever had an addiction or know someone that has, you will know that lying is a symptom. I have an addiction of which I go to a 12-step program. While I was active in my addiction I LIED a lot. It became so normal to lie because I was ashamed of what I was doing. The funny thing is, most people see our addiction before we do. We are in denial. We cannot stop lying until we admit we have a problem.
I think my mom is a "closet eater". She does the same thing you were talking about with your cousin. When she goes out to lunch or dinner with my aunt, instead of getting something she really likes, she orders a salad. I've heard my aunt say to her "why are you just eating that?" "If you always ate like that you would be skinny".
What I know about my mom is that she struggles with food as well. She is always dieting and exercising, but is still overweight. I used to live with her and I would see her eat healthy all day, but then get up in the middle of the night and binge eat.
My 12-step program teaches me to focus on myself. It's so easy for me to care and want to help others, or even get irritated because I don't understand. All I can do is be an example and offer love and support.
I have always had an issue eating enough during the day. Co of coffee, maybe something for breakfast, then work, working out, housework, laundry, kid stuff, etc. Before I would realize, it's already 3 or 4pm... Too late for lunch. So I would overeat at dinner to make up for barely eating all day. Having one big meal a day kept me from losing weight. But if someone would ask what I ate that day, it would seem like I was starving myself. Even now, there are days that I am really busy and just forget to eat. But i try to do smaller more frequent snacks so I am not constantly on empty.
