I'm at a lost on what to do. My kids play with another family kids in our neighborhood. Not alot of kids in our area. I'm just casual with the other parentsbut we will baby sit for each other as needed.
Anyways, I was babysitting cuz other mom had Dr appt. She called and told me she broke a bone and will take a little longer. No problem. Told kids mom broke bone. I was told casually by kid . that dad sometimes get mad at mom and pushes her into doors. This time door was slammed on her causing her to break bone. I listen to his story.
I don't want to lose the friendship especially for my kids. But this sounds serious. Do I approach other mom? Don't know if I should mind my business cuz were not close but this doesn't sound good either. If I tell, could I be setting the kid up for abuse? I'm going to try Internet searches for advise also. Hoping someone might have knowledge in this area.
You may have already found info on the internet, but thought I'd post some info. I found. I think there is probably a lot of truth in that you may have to try on multiple occasions to get her to open up.
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So what can you do to support her ?
Do not judge her
Reassure her that the abuse is not her fault and that you are there for her
Don’t tell her to leave or criticise her for staying. Although you may want her to leave, she has to make that decision in her own time. It is important to remember that research shows an abused woman is at most risk at the point of separation and immediately after leaving an abusive partner
Leaving takes a great deal of strength and courage. An abused woman often faces huge obstacles such as nowhere to go, no money and no-one to turn to for support
Focus on supporting her and building her self confidence
Helping a woman and her children to keep safe
A woman’s safety and the safety of her children is paramount
Talk to her about how she and her children can keep safe
Help her to stay safe:
Agree a code word or action that is only known to you both so she can signal when she is in danger and cannot access help herself
Don’t make plans for her yourself, but encourage her to think about her safety more closely and focus on her own needs rather than his
Find out information about local services for her; offer to keep spare sets of keys or important documents, such as passports, benefit books, in a safe place for her so that she can access them quickly in an emergency
Encourage her to think of ways in which she can increase the safety of her children
What might an abused woman be feeling and experiencing?
An abused women is often overwhelmed by fear, which can govern her every move – a fear of: further violence, the unknown, her safety and the safety of her children – do not underestimate the effects of fear
She often believes that she is at fault and that by changing her behaviour the abuse will stop. Research shows that this is not the case
She may experience a conflict of emotions. She may love her partner, but hate the violence. She may live in hope that his good side will reappear
She may be dependent upon her partner, emotionally and financially
She may experience feelings of shame, guilt and embarrassment
She may feel resigned and hopeless and find it hard to make decisions about her future
Remember that it isn’t children’s responsibility to protect their mother. In an emergency they could call for help from the police, go to a neighbour, or a relative or someone they trust.
Last edited by NaughtyNibbler; 07-02-2014 at 06:56 PM.
I don't want to get to into it, but, as a child, I was in a similar situation. My mother was unwilling/unable to recognize the problem until she was no longer the only target, and even then couldn't or wouldn't do anything. Someone anonymously reported the situation after a very similar incident to this woman's and while she has no idea who called to this day, that's the day she left.
She was not happy at the time. She was forced to leave with us and was angry for a solid year at the anonymous caller. But if you ask her now whether it was a good idea, she'd be the first to tell you it saved her life and she's so thankful someone cared enough to step in when she couldn't. She discovered she was capable of so much more than she ever knew; she eventually bought her own house, raised her children alone and has since remarried and is happy. None of that would be possible if not for that phone call.
You might lose her friendship over it, but if she's being abused, do you think it's worth it if it gets her out of the situation? You can do so anonymously - although you will be asked how you know and there's a good chance the children will admit they told you - and no one will release your name. She will probably resent it at first, especially if she doesn't see the abuse, but that's okay. She may eventually realize it saved her life, too.
I was 14 when I made that anonymous call. I'm 29 now, and even though I've moved far out of state, married, started my own family and moved on with my life, there are still days, even now, where I'm am angry that no one did or said anything for me. I feel like I had been forgotten. I would never want anyone else to feel the way I feel.
Last edited by futureformerfisher; 07-02-2014 at 06:52 PM.
I'm going to tell you what you are "supposed" to do. Then I'll tell you what I would do.
Especially since there is a child involved, you should as futureformerfisher said, you should make an anonymous phone call. You can go as far as communicating with the woman as naughtynibbler suggested. The thought of leaving a child in an abusive home...I agree that for that reason alone you should take some kind of action.
However, you need to be mindful of your own safety, mainly for your children. I would absolutely not allow them to baby sit your child anymore. Do you know her husband? How well? I would be concerned that reporting him could lead to retaliation. Does he know where you live? Where you work? Do you know if anyone else knows about this? Did this women child say they told anyone else? Are there family members, like a grandparent that might also know? My main concern would be, if you make an "anonymous" call, can you be 100% sure it will remain anonymous? If there any way they might figure out it was you? I don't know the details, but if it is possible that they would know it was you, I wouldn't call. I would just distance myself from that family, and eventually stop being friends. Your main responsibility is to ensure the safety of your family, and I wouldn't get involved if there is any chance this could be dangerous for them. I know that's not the answer I'm supposed to give, but its the honest one.
Not sure about laws in Texas, but in Calif, the law requires health professionals to ask about and/or report suspicious injuries. How in the world did he slam a door on her arm causing it to break? Certain types of fractures by their nature suggest abuse. For example a spiral fracture might suggest twisting, or at least there could be an inconsistency with her explanation of what happened and the actual fracture.
I may be reading into it but it sounds from your account that the abuse is escalating. it often does. The child is asking for help. There is NO WAY I would be able to do nothing. NO WAY. Use you ingenuity to figure out a safe way to get help to the child, if not the mother too.
My main concern would be, if you make an "anonymous" call, can you be 100% sure it will remain anonymous? If there any way they might figure out it was you?
In my experience (which is limited to within the U.S., in case you're outside the states), one of two things will happen if you make an anonymous call: they will immediately skip the identification part - they may still ask for your relationship to the family in question - and respect that you wish to remain anonymous. Or, they will freaking harass you to reveal who you are, sometimes without you really realizing. They may guilt you into giving your name - "what if we can't find her or need more information, how are we supposed to reach you?" - they may pseudo-threaten you by saying they can't do anything without a complainant (this is total BS, in domestic violence issues, the state can be the complainant and/or file on behalf of a non-cooperating victim), or they may try to piece together who you are by asking only for your first name, then later your phone number or e-mail address, then later the name of the street on which you live, which they will use to determine who you are. They will NOT share this information with your neighbor or anyone else; it's kept internally for their investigation, in case they need more information, which is why they want to know who you are. The only way anyone could learn your identity is if it's later determined you made a false report.
However, if you feel more comfortable being completely anonymous, you can refuse to give ANY personally-identifying information. If they push you to provide a method of contact, create a throw-away e-mail address and tell them they may e-mail you if they need more information. You do NOT have to reveal who you are in this situation, no matter how much they try to convince you otherwise.
So keep that in mind. Their goal is to get as much information from you as possible so they can investigate before tipping off the abuser by contacting anyone in his family - they don't care if you lose your friendship over it, nor should they. It's harder to do their job when they don't have a way to contact you if they need your help, but it's certainly not impossible, and an anonymous call is better than no call at all.
I think you need to think about your kids safety first. The solution we had for our kids in a similar situation was we would let the kids play in our house or outside but not at their house.
This way our kids keep their friends but they are not behind closed doors where you can't check in on them.
At this point you really don't know what is going on but if the abuse is to the point that arms are being broken this is extremely serious. Arms don't break easily.
I'd talk to the wife alone and just tell her what he son said and go from there.
I would call anonymously. Mostly because once the police come the mother may come to you for advice which would be a good thing (but of course do not tell her you called). If you try to talk to the mother on your own she may become defensive and even worse tell her husband you said these things. Remember she loves him, her initial response may be to protect him.
Let the police and social worker figure it out and try to be subtly encouraging for her to open up with you.
Need serious help - abuse issue
