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long, moany rant/brain fart - just need to get it all out

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Old 05-23-2014, 07:52 AM   #1
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Default long, moany rant/brain fart - just need to get it all out

i dont even know where to start, i just feel life has been unnecessarily poopy to me lately.
First i had a bad kidney infection which knocked me for weeks.
My dear wee granny passed away just as i was starting to feel normal again - luckily i was able to get out to see her before she died. Then the family arguements started over stupid stuff with my mum behind most of it (me and my mum dont get on too well).
She was texting me over and over asking what i wanted of my grans to remember her and i kept saying "it doesnt feel right to be taking her stuff yet". Anyways, eventually i asked for one little thing only for my mum to give that to my sister on the day of the funeral instead.
Then my mother gives my sister money in an envelope for me - why not just give it to me directly?
I should also mention my mum told me my gran had died via a circular text she sent to her friends - it even ended with her name rather than mum.
I mentioned i was upset about it to my dad but let it all slide (as in i didnt make a fuss) because obviously my mum is hurting.
I still havent cried for my gran and i feel everyone is judging me and thinking i didnt love her which is crap because i did love her but i just cant seem to cry for her (although i bawled over a missing cat poster yesterday - go figure).
I like to think of my gran being with my papa now and them being happy rather than thinking ill never see her again.
After the funeral i didnt hear from my mother again until my sister called me and told me that she was home now - apparently she had went away to Gran Canaria for the weekend to relax before having her hip replaced- i knew nothing of the holiday or the surgery. I feel so angry and upset at my mother for all this but what can i do? this is the woman who has never really shown love for me since i hit my teens - im now 28. There are a lot of issues with her that i wont go into because this post will be long enough.

Along side all this happening my boiler, cooker and a light in the hall decided to break. Cooker and light were fixed within a few days but i've now been a month without reliable heating and hot water and have infact had none for the last week. The man came this morning to look at the boiler and put a temporary fix in place again but will need to get another part (at least landlord is paying).

I also got the contraceptive implant in the morning before my gran died and have been up and down with that emotionally and have now been bleeding for 7 days. Every time i touch it in the shower or by accident i feel a little nauseous with how it feels in my arm. Im hoping i can get used to it and the bleeding stops soon.

Im getting a cold now as well and have ulcers and sores in my mouth.
Ive hardly slept in my bed for 5 weeks now - maybe 4-5 nights and keep falling asleep on the sofa every night suddenly while watching tv - literally awake one second and the next its 5 am.

Im struggling at work to cope with everything and we are now very busy. My friend is having so many problems and is coming to me about them but doesnt seem able to listen to my troubles - she completely forgot why i took a day of for my grans funeral and asked if i had enjoyed my day off and what i had been up to and even when i reminded her she just started telling me about her father in law being in hospital and crying on my shoulder.

My mans baby westie has been unwell with a nasty abscess and his ex wife is making things hard for him atm too and so he is coming to me for help and i dont feel i can be there for him as much as i would want to be normally.

Ive not even thought about my diet in i dont know how long and just feel so fat.

Sorry. if anyone reads this to the end ill be amazed. Ill stop now before i wear my fingers down from typing.
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Old 05-23-2014, 08:57 AM   #2
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I don't have any real advice, just wanted to let you know I read to the end, and yeah you are dealing with a **** of a lot just now, but it will pass. Hang in there xx
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Old 05-23-2014, 09:49 AM   #3
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I'm sorry about your loss. Grief can exacerbate all kinds of other issues with our loved ones so hang tight and try to give it some time before addressing any issues with your Mother. I know it's difficult to do right now but your Mother is grieving now too and the best thing you can do for yourself and for her is to try to feel compassion that she lost her mother. Compassion is the first step in rectifying any relationship, there is no way to build bridges without it.

Anger, resentment, grief, blame and frustration are useful in identifying how we feel, but you have to push through them in order to making things work. Focus on fostering gratitude, compassion, and acceptance and you will reap the benefits.
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Old 05-23-2014, 03:03 PM   #4
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Just got yet another text from my mother saying she now needs a blood transfusion and like a good dutiful daughter I show concern and asked why what had gone wrong and all I got in response was "cause I lost too much blood" in a sarcastic are you stupid voice so now I'm upset again.
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Old 05-23-2014, 11:43 PM   #5
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I'm so sorry for the loss of your gram. And I'm sorry for how your family handled things. Sounds like a lot of stuff to happen at once, and stress is really hard to handle sometimes.
What helps you most when you are stressed? (besides ice cream and chocolate...that works for everyone)
Does a walk in the park or the woods make you feel better? How about a hot soak in a tub?
Exercise releases endorphins, so thats a good option too.
Just keep in mind that this too shall pass
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Old 05-24-2014, 12:00 AM   #6
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The first thing that jumps out at me is the issue with your contraception implant? Is what you are experiencing normal? Did the doctor warn you of the extra bleeding and the pain where it is? If not, i think you should phone or visit the doctor again.

Sorry for the loss of your Gran. Its natural i think for all of you to be feeling a bit tetchy with each under these circumstances if you are already not on great terms. With your mum, you might find it easier to just let it all go/wash over you/ignore it and her. I know it must be painful if she didn't show you the love you wanted but if you are able to let all the resentment go over that then maybe you will feel better in general. I don't get on with my mother either. We always clash so i generally try to have as little as possible to do with her. My sister is also now not getting on with her.

Maybe with your friend, just tell her straight that you are having a few, no make that a lot, of problems of your own right now and can't focus on helping anyone else.

Don't worry about your diet. You can address it when things settle down again.

It often helps to focus on immediate things when you are feeling overwhelmed with stuff. And its also a good idea to find a counsellor to talk. If getting it all out here doesn't help, try to find a counsellor. And then just focus on one thing at a time. Stay in the present and let go the past as much as possible - particularly things like the spats with your mother.

I hope you are feeling better soon.
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Old 05-24-2014, 03:12 PM   #7
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Now my man wants to take a few days with no contact. What is the point anymore
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Old 05-27-2014, 02:53 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rechyl View Post
Now my man wants to take a few days with no contact. What is the point anymore
Hey girl....so sorry to hear about your loss and troubles. Loss sucks....I had a husband of 23 years up and walk out on me 2 years ago (I know it's not the same kind of loss as a death). It hurt like he11. Then I thought things were going to work out because he wanted to get back together....then he turned around and said "no, I really don't want to get back together". Then he divorced me. He had my head all kinds of messed up. Then he was dating...then he wasn't. Then he wanted to sell the house (which I was living in by myself)...I packed the entire house all by myself...threw out a ton of my mom's stuff that I got when she passed away. I had to because I had to downsize. Meanwhile, I had to look for a place to live. I didn't want an apartment. So I found an awesome condo (fell in love the moment I stepped inside of it). Had to do the entire move by myself. It was all so traumatic and sudden. I really thought the house would take forever to sell. It only sold in 2 weeks. Talk about a whirlwind of events. Meanwhile, I ate myself through the stress of this past year of my life. Re-gained the 100 pounds that I lost. I was a mess. I just recently got back onto the bandwagon. I'm a fat mess. Was forced to join a gym (my gym was in my basement - free weights, nautilus equipment, etc). Went to the gym for the first time yesterday. It was scary. Oh, and about 3 weeks ago, I had some mystery illness which the doc chalked up to inflammatory colitis. Boy that was loads of fun. Nauseated, vomiting, weight loss, and diarrehea. I'm feeling better, but some foods still make me a bit sick to my stomach.

Bottom line....it's time to get SELFISH. You need to put YOU first. That's what I'm doing. I blocked my ex husband from my phone. I let my daughters phone calls go to voicemail. I take care of ME now. I'm so done with being fat and out of shape. This b1tch is coming back....and I'm gonna STAY that way, no matter what. I will NEVER allow anyone to beat me down ever again. Get mad girl....and get focused. You'll be okay....I promise. And tell your man to go eff himself. You don't need him. Trust me!! I'm single and learning to enjoy it at age 51. Never been on my own ever. I was either living with parents or I was married. It will be okay....what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. There's alot of truth to that statement. Keep your head up and smile. And block phone numbers if need be
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