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Friend wants me to stay fat with her

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Old 04-29-2014, 10:25 PM   #1
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Default Friend wants me to stay fat with her

My BFF is also overweight she keeps saying some days she wants to lose weight and some days she dosen't.I keep telling her I'm devoted to losing weight and plan on meeting my goal weight by September.She says I can't and I won't.my legs have gotten worse and gym is non existent.Im more motivated then ever to prove her wrong.i hope when September comes and I've met my goal she will wake up when's she's still the same weight
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Old 04-29-2014, 11:31 PM   #2
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Doesn't sound like a good friend to keep, but if it helps you to lose weight by keeping her as a "frenemy," whatever works! lol
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Old 04-29-2014, 11:37 PM   #3
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It sounds like your friend is insecure about your new "change". I think this is really common, because it forces people to take note that others are trying to step up and change some of the less desirable things about themselves (diet, exercise habits, body size, whatever).

Maybe you could talk to her and ask her why she's so afraid of you succeeding? She may cave and tell you that she's afraid of her own failure, and so she's afraid to even try. I think you should still be supportive, so long as she's not being unbearable. She might come around, and then you could have a partner in your health goals.

Maybe you could start out by telling her how easy it is to make small changes. Invite her to go walking, or to make a healthy meal with you. All you can do is be the best example of your new habits that you can be, and maybe some of it will rub off on her. Then again, she may completely desert you, since she may be holding onto her unhealthy ways due to just not being ready, emotional issues using the weight as a shield, denial, or food addiction (this was me many times).

Don't let her remarks get to you, I'm sure your legs don't look worse. She just feels uncomfortable, and so she's projecting. Let her ride it out for awhile, and if she can't get with it and at least be supportive, you may have to not be around her if she is going to sabotage you to the point of derailment. This is a hard one. Good luck. I think it can work out for the best.
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Old 04-30-2014, 09:53 AM   #4
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My BFF is also overweight she keeps saying some days she wants to lose weight and some days she dosen't.I keep telling her I'm devoted to losing weight and plan on meeting my goal weight by September.She says I can't and I won't.my legs have gotten worse and gym is non existent.Im more motivated then ever to prove her wrong.i hope when September comes and I've met my goal she will wake up when's she's still the same weight
Wait.. what? Ok how can someone be your best friend and you wish that she will "wake up still the same weight?" And really, you're trying to lose weight just to prove her wrong?

Neither of you is sounding like a good friend to each other. If you really cared about each other you would either support one another or stay out of each other's way. If your weight loss efforts require that you wish her to fail then your priorities are way out of whack imo.

There are a few people I've spoken to about my weight struggles. I went through a series of diets and approaches and each step of the way my friends wished me luck and didn't question me once. They've always been interested in what I'm doing and I've always been interested in what they did. My BFF used to be someone I would visit all-you-can-eat buffets with and our friendship revolved around food. Then she lost weight and is now a zumba instructor. I've never once been jealous, or wished her ill.

Judging by how the two of you put each other down i'd say neither of you is a friend to each other, and you both sound immature and petty.
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Old 04-30-2014, 10:26 AM   #5
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I have had the same experience with a very good friend that I work with. it sounds like it is more her problem than yours. She if afraid she won't do it and is also afraid of how you changing will change other aspects of her life or the friendship. Which is something she should overcome with your help and assurance! My friend at work is "dieting" too, on a very low carb thing and I am just calorie counting and exercising. She is very tired and foggy, and I have been more energized and happy. I guess she doesn't see this in me because she told me I won't keep this up, nobody can maintain this lifestyle blah blah blah. Then I say I can , she says no, then I say we'll see. that's it the convo ends there because only I can determine what is right for me.

It is difficult to accept that someone isn't rooting for your success but give it a little time she might come around, and in the short term keep going! make her eat her words there is nothing wrong with that
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Old 04-30-2014, 10:41 AM   #6
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Wait.. what? Ok how can someone be your best friend and you wish that she will "wake up still the same weight?" And really, you're trying to lose weight just to prove her wrong?
I read this to mean that she hopes in September when she's lost the weight, her friend will have a wake-up call and realize it's time to also lose weight? Which to me sounds a bit more positive than how you may have read it?

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Either way, it doesn't sound like a healthy friendship. OP, if your friend is bringing you down and you can no longer find motivation in proving her wrong, you may need to distance yourself from her to achieve your goals. Also, assuming you do hang out with her, try to make your activities center around things other than food so that she can't pressure you (i.e. go to the movies instead of going to dinner, as long as you avoid the popcorn!)
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Old 04-30-2014, 11:33 AM   #7
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i mean shes not going to really lose weight.So i hope when she sees me at my goal weight it will be a wake up for her to see its possible.Everytime we go out we generally eat.I pick from the healthier side of the menu
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Old 04-30-2014, 12:30 PM   #8
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Other people's wake up call cannot be other people's wake up call. Maybe you're putting forth an attitude of superiority which is making her say those things. I know I don't like dining with someone who feels self righteous about which part of the menu they order from. Because it implies that I'm doing something wrong. Nobody likes that. When I hear someone being preachy about their WOE it makes me resistant to their philosophy. Geez every time I hear someone talk about low fat I want to eat bacon. Everyone I hear someone talk about low carb I want to eat French fries. Every time I think someone is smug for ordering I salad it makes me want to order a burger. Just keep it to yourself, judging yourself for what you eat automatically places judgement on those around you.
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Old 04-30-2014, 12:52 PM   #9
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most people don't like it when their 'roles' in relationships change!
Over and over we see people wonder why their good friends or spouse's don't seem to like it when they have lost weight, even though they encouraged them at the start.
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Old 04-30-2014, 12:52 PM   #10
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Other people's wake up call cannot be other people's wake up call. Maybe you're putting forth an attitude of superiority which is making her say those things. I know I don't like dining with someone who feels self righteous about which part of the menu they order from. Because it implies that I'm doing something wrong. Nobody likes that. When I hear someone being preachy about their WOE it makes me resistant to their philosophy. Geez every time I hear someone talk about low fat I want to eat bacon. Everyone I hear someone talk about low carb I want to eat French fries. Every time I think someone is smug for ordering I salad it makes me want to order a burger. Just keep it to yourself, judging yourself for what you eat automatically places judgement on those around you.
Hmmm........just as you say "other people's wake up call cannot be other people's wake up call", maybe the same should apply to how you react to other people's choices? This sensitivity implies some kind of underlying insecurity within yourself. It seems a bit mentally unhealthy to take this kind of mentality. Be confident in your choices and what you decide for your life and don't let others' judgements affect you or drive you into unhealthy choices or bad feelings about yourself.
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Old 04-30-2014, 03:17 PM   #11
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To me, it sounds like you both may be focusing too much on your own experiences to appreciate and understand the other's situation. The lack of insight seems to deminishing the capacity for compassion on both sides.

I've been on both sides of this friendship issue. I've been the friend who isn't ready to change, and I've been the friend who wants to pull my friend(s) into changing with me.

Both are difficult and uncomfortable, but in my experience, it's a lot harder to be the person who isn't ready for the change. You know you should change. You know you should be happy for your friend, but all you can think about is that you feel like you CAN'T change, and your friend is passing you by, and you're going to be left all alone.



If you want the best for your friend, accept her for who she is now. She'll change when she's ready (or she won't).


Understand that part of her is happy for you, but part of her is also envious, and another part of her is fearful that she will be left behind, just because she can't keep up.

We all have complex emotions, positive and negative, towards ourselves and each other. Change of any kind, stirs the pot and swirls around those emotions and the ugly ones often rise to the top.

If you both can find a way to celebrate each others strengths and accept the weaknesses, your friendship can survive. If not, you'll move on to other friendships.

Try to remember that she probably isn't trying to hurt you, and that she may not fully be happy for you, while she's not ready or able to change. It's very difficult to be enthusiastically happy for someone who is acheiving what you're not yet able to acheive for yourself (whether or not the obstacles in your path are of your own making).

You need to both realize that neither of you are bad or wrong for your current choices. And while you may be frustrated with her for her unreadiness to change her weight, she might be equally frustrated at your unreadiness to change in some other aspect of life in which she is having or believes she is having more success with than you.
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Old 04-30-2014, 05:24 PM   #12
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Hmmm........just as you say "other people's wake up call cannot be other people's wake up call", maybe the same should apply to how you react to other people's choices? This sensitivity implies some kind of underlying insecurity within yourself. It seems a bit mentally unhealthy to take this kind of mentality. Be confident in your choices and what you decide for your life and don't let others' judgements affect you or drive you into unhealthy choices or bad feelings about yourself.
For a long time that was true. I felt very insecure in the dietary choices I was making. I was always fearful that whatever I was doing would not work out, and I was right about that... every time. I used to envy salad eaters, and now I eat salad when I want to, don't eat it if I want to. My point is that what we choose to put in our mouths should not be a reflection of our worth as a person, and it should not be a reflection of how good we are or how healthy we are. And when the person who orders from "the healthiest side of the menu" they have some sort of feeling about that... in this case it's a type of glee and pride so by default that's making a negative judgement on the person who is ordering from the other side of the menu. It sounds to me like these 2 girls are doing a battle of their diets when it's completely unecessary to either of their health or their friendship.

At the end of the day, another person's diet should have no relevance in our own choices. I'm not sensitive about it, I just have no desire to follow someone else's diet and if you're smug about your zero calorie luncheon does not deter me from enjoying my double drippy cheeseburger
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Old 04-30-2014, 06:54 PM   #13
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The problem is that the average person is narcissist when it comes to their own suffering or happiness.


When I would order that cheeseburger I assumed that my friends who ordered off the lite menu were shaming me and I would in turn judge them for that when in reality they didn't really care. I assumed that they were as obsessed with my food intake as they were.

And now that I do order from the skinny menu the smugness comes from that I was proud I was able to control myself. I know that sounds like I am saying "you can't control yourself" but honestly I really don't care what anyone else orders because I am too busy being proud of myself because I didn't binge eat.
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Old 04-30-2014, 07:11 PM   #14
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The problem is that the average person is narcissist when it comes to their own suffering or happiness.


When I would order that cheeseburger I assumed that my friends who ordered off the lite menu were shaming me and I would in turn judge them for that when in reality they didn't really care. I assumed that they were as obsessed with my food intake as they were.

And now that I do order from the skinny menu the smugness comes from that I was proud I was able to control myself. I know that sounds like I am saying "you can't control yourself" but honestly I really don't care what anyone else orders because I am too busy being proud of myself because I didn't binge eat.
If I order from the wrong side of the menu it's not because I'm binging. There is no wrong side of the menu in my life.
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Old 04-30-2014, 07:52 PM   #15
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If I order from the wrong side of the menu it's not because I'm binging. There is no wrong side of the menu in my life.
That's nice but I guess I used the first person pronoun and not the second person pronoun because I was talking about myself.

I binge eat and I do not believe that I said you did and if you thought I was I apologize. For me choosing things off the lite menu is difficult because I want to eat that cheeseburger however I have job where I go out to eat a lot. The lite menu become a necessity in those situations, I cannot eat a hamburger with french fries and then split a dessert with someone three times a week. So, I try to make choices that are best for MY life.
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