I know this is a highly "socio-geographic" issue, some of you might not understand fully what I'm enduring.

I'm chubby, will be starting my PhD pretty soon and I currently have a high paying job.

I turned 30 this year and have been the object of much attention of my entourage. I know and I'm sure they mean well, but it just seems as if once every 48 hours someone somehow has to remind me that I'm single and getting in the "out of men's reach" zone. I was fine with that...until...

...Yesterday, when someone said...quite indirectly that women in my position (not about the weight though) tend to make men feel insecure and doubtful of their woman's respect, bla bla, and that the social circle counts a lot in that case, making comments to put the man behind his woman, yadda yadda.

While this is not the first time I'm listening to this type of advice, what he said gave it a new dimension for me.

For the first time I'm realizing that I might be a virility killer for most men. A ego killer for most men (probably not for the one who will have enough guts to marry me). For me this is being brutal. I spent the whole day thinking about it.
Not only am I fat, but even without that I'm one of the women who make men feels like they're less than real men.

I'm not sure if I completely understand, so please correct me if I'm wrong. Are you saying that men are going to be intimidated by your intelligence and your advanced degrees? That they won't have your respect because of your degrees?

I don't think that's true. In my area, there are many, many women with advanced degrees and careers. Many who are actually the breadwinners in their household.

Now, if you're regularly talking down to people and implying that they aren't worth your time because they aren't as book smart as you, that's an entirely different story. (I'm not saying that's the case with you.)

If you limit your dating circle to men who have at least the same number (or more) of degrees as you, yes, you will limit your dating pool. But I don't believe that advanced degrees = bruising a man's ego.

I'm a little confused as well. I think I understood it as a man does not want to marry a woman that is more advance degree or career wise than he?

That's probably true for some men, and not for others. Either you will meet a man that has equal or a higher education than you, or a man that doesn't feel uncomfortable with your position.

Congratulations thirti4thirty on your next educational step! I hope you find it exciting and rewarding.

I have to agree with Quiet Ballerina. I have a Ph.D. and while I encountered some pretty significant challenges along the way, I don't regret doing it for a moment and honestly, I never really thought about how it might affect my personal relationships one way or the other so I'm interested in reading others' responses. I also work on a university campus where you can't "swing a dead cat" without smacking another Ph.D. so admittedly, my response is probably skewed.

Earning my Ph.D. was about having the hunger to learn and to stretch and challenge myself. And yes, I knew it would help my career prospects in the long run. It was all internally motivated; I competed with no one other than me. So while I have the degree, I rarely think about it and it rarely if ever comes up in conversation. I'd like to believe that I would be equally confident without it. With that said I know a few folks who never like to let you forget about the letters behind their name. Sure, if one uses their degree status (or number of) as a weapon, it will turn off lots of people regardless of romantic interest.

I find intelligence (whether it comes with a degree or not) super sexy! A man who is confident and self-assured with what he brings to the table won't have an issue with your degree and/or intelligence. Interestingly, I worked with a professor who has gone on to be a Dean at a prestigious research university. Several years ago she waded into the online dating world, met a lovely man who is a long-haul truck driver. No degrees. They have a son and remain happily married.

As Quiet Ballerina states, don't limit yourself.

sorry to say, but what a load of pish. Only insecure and shallow men feel intimidated by intelligent, fabulous women in a higher position. brains is beautiful but of course a lot of people (men) prefer dirty talk over an intelligent conversation anytime.

Intelligence doesn't fade, beauty does over time (or it evolves if you prefer) so I would take that with a bag of salt.

for all that its worth, you are a very brave woman that is confident where she wants to go and what she wants to achieve. if that is not sexy for a man, then he is probably not even worth your time.

Sorry to be so blunt, but been there, done that.

I say that in the part of the world where I leave, that's how people see these things. For them there's no other way. A man CANNOT BUT be intimidated by a woman's intelligence.

This, in my culture this is perceived almost like an offence, and a REAL shame for a man. Even if the man has no problem with it, the circle of friends/family/colleagues will frequently make reference to it, which inevitably makes it become a big problem.

I found out that, because of the mentality around here, it's not so much your ATTITUDE but the INTERPRETATION of it that matters. I'm a shy person, have always been. Everyone who knew me knows that I'm shy. Because of current status, my shyness is rather perceived as SNOBBING.



No man approaches me and I do not have a social life, so I can assure you that I do not even have anything to restrict or limit anything to.
The sentence in red: I DO NOT EITHER. My problem, that I'm explaining here, is that where I leave, it is extremely uncommon for women to get where I am do the mentality here is different. And the mentality here is that, advanced degrees = bruising a man's ego

Thanks for all those who have replied.

I think some of you might be missing my point though. Fact is...I'm not the one thinking that way. It's the popular belief out here, where I leave. That is making it difficult for me because I don't have the same mindset and it's affecting me profoundly.

I am not saying this lightly. Meany people are telling me these things and that's what's bringing me down. It's not something I decide by my attitude or want, for that matter.

Do you mind if I ask where you are? I assume you are not in the United States....

This is a myth perpetuated, I believe, by uneducated people to feel better about being uneducated.

I've been told since I was 5 years old, that no one would date or marry me, if I didn't lose weight.


My aunt thought it was silly and a waste for girls to go to college, and told my parents it would be a waste of money to send me, especially to the private university I chose (Believe it or not, this was in 1984, not 1924).

When I went on to graduate school, to get my MA in psychology, the same aunt told my mother that I was making myself even more unmarriageable.


I did date, I did marry, and the family critics just found something else to criticise.


With internet dating (and world-wide access to every possible type of potential partner) it isn't at all difficult to find someone who is attracted to exactly the type of person you are, while also being exactly the type of person you're attracted to.

My husband doesn't have a college degree (despite very high intelligence). We met through a newspaper personal ad conncted to an online dating site.

In my ad/profile I included my actual weight, my goal weight, my previous weight range, my educational background and the fact that I was intending to pursue my PhD. I also listed all the traits I was looking for in a partner (I didn't care about money or education, but I was picky in my own way regarding moral, emotional, and religious values).

I got a lot more replies than I expected, but more importantly, I got the one response I was really looking for.

Hubby was a bit insecure at first, because he too had been subjected to cultural brainwashing that led him to believe that no woman would want a man who made less money or posessed less education than she.

He had a hard time believing that I could possibly interested in him (he still sometimes says he doesn't understand what I see in him, even though I've explained it many times, I think he just loves hearing it).

For me, money and formal education mean virtually nothing. I value education and a keen intellect, but I don't care where the education came from.

Hubby may not have more than a semester of college under his belt, but he's the only person I know who watches physics lessons for fun.

He's extremely funny and charismatic (even when we both weighed about 400 lb, he had many female admirers of all ages and sizes).

On paper, no one would put us together. But what's important to everyone else isn't important to us. We each are what the other wants most.


If I had stayed in the little town I was raised in, and had never ventured into the larger world irl and online, it might have been difficult (but not impossible) to find a suitable partner.

I'm also curious where you live.
I can only speak for the areas I've lived. In my experience, some men could be intimidated by higher degrees and intelligence and such, but definitely not every single man.

No, I'm not in the U.S, I leave in a Third World country. That's all the info I can let out.

Kaplods, good to know that you met someone who was comfortable with having you as partner. I hope the same happens with me...

Have not tried online dating though.

It was a common attitude in my home town as well. I had to get out of that town and its mindset to find the kind of guy I was looking for.

I know it's easier to get out of a town than an entire country, but the internet allows for all sorts of possibilities.

You have to decide where your priorities lie. You can choose to look for only men who are as educated as you are, or higher, and/or chubbier, older, or less attractive than you.

Every non-average choice you make reduces your partner options. Everything thing you deem important reduces your partner options. Everything is a trade-off.

If you're not willing to leave your country, you may have to choose between education and marriage. Or you may have to choose a less-than ideal husband.

Every choice you makes in life will make some other choices impossible.

thirti4thirty - I wish you well working through this issue.

In the Boston area, I'm married to a woman with superb carpentry and wood working skills. When we hire contractors in that arena, we work with them together for a spell until they figure it out for themselves that she knows her stuff. Then they've happily worked with her alone despite the social norm that the guy is the one who should know all contracting stuff.

The one place that didn't work as well was in the design of our driveway with a Latino mason from Central America. It was clear that DW had a three dimensional image of how water should flow across and out of our property, but he still needed to hear it from me.

So I've seen the cultural expectations set aside and I've seen them not. That thought is merely to echo kaplods notion to remember that you're not looking for a fan club - you're only looking for one good man. I suspect he's out there for you with a little more difficult search.

Kaplods and Bill, thank you for your advice. Can't do online dating either...hmmm Not seen well here and discouraged. I'd love to...but I can't and somehow, deep down (maybe because of the brainwash) I do not really trust it.

My world is just limits and restrictions. I try to break some of them but once I do so, as you say, Bill, some of them tend to crush some opportunities.