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Old 04-25-2014, 11:00 AM   #1
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I need some way OT advice here lol I just am driving myself crazy over this and unsure of what to do.

A while back my husband & I let an old friend of his move in with us. He was in a very bad situation and wanted to fix his life and my husband thought him getting out of the town he was in would help. It was supposed to be a temporary thing while he turned his life around....yeah not so much. But he does pay us rent and usually keeps to himself so it isn't horrible.

There has been many times where he kindof takes advantage. Not horribly but enough to get under my skin. It is always little things. Like sometimes eating our food or borrowing quarters for laundry all the time. A few weeks ago his friend came over with a puppy but nothing for it and they borrowed my dogs collar, leash, food. Which just annoyed me. But it was never anything to big of a deal I guess.

Now he has a girlfriend and she has been spending alot of time here. She doesn't stay the night anymore because she is married with 2 young kids & one day her husband called the cops saying she was living here, had the kids here and was doing drugs in front of them. None of that was true. No drug use in my home, her kids have never been here and she had stayed here for 2 days but no was not living here. Having the cops show up at my house and accuse drug use mad me very unhappy and I made it clear she was not very welcomed & my husband told them she couldn't stay over as we do not want to be involved in the drama between her and her husband during their divorce.

But during the day she is here all the time. Pretty much if they are not at work or at night she is here. (IDK when she sees her kids?) And they work together but only have been dating a few weeks. Ok I am kindof being judgmental.... lol anyways they now have a routine where they come here after work at night, shower together and then go to her place.

My issue is that I noticed she has been using my shower stuff- my bodywash, shampoo, conditioner for sure, maybe all my stuff or even my loofah eww.

I assume it is because she doesn't want to use his because he uses one of those masculine brands? IDK... She does have a super short pixie cut so not like she is using a ton. Now I don't use some super expensive stuff either but it is not cheap. I really love the brand I use. And money is tight as well, I don't really want to be supporting other people ya know?

I have anxiety disorder and confrontation is really hard for me, even more so if I am worried that I am being weird about it. I asked my sister and she riles me up that it is so wrong bring the torches lol I talk to my husband and he obviously is like its soap so?

I guess I am just wondering if people think I am just being a bit picky & it isn't really worth it to bring up or cause a problem over as I am just going to come across as a *****. Even more so after the whole thing where she cant stay over, I don't want to make the situation more tense. Or am I right for saying something? Maybe I should just be passive aggressive and remove my stuff before they get home so they can't use it and hope they get the hint? lol
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Old 04-25-2014, 11:08 AM   #2
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No, you are not picky! Set some limits or show him the door.
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Old 04-25-2014, 11:11 AM   #3
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Confrontation might be a little easier, but if you can't do it, how about putting your shower supplies in a plastic tub/bin (with holes in it so the water drains) and taking them out of the bathroom and into your bedroom when you're not using them. Passive aggressive yes, but she'll get the hint. If you choose confrontation, just say it weirds you out when other people use your bath products. That way it's not personal, and it's a you thing, not a her thing.
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Old 04-25-2014, 11:22 AM   #4
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All of those incidents would have really pissed me off too! The shower would make me insane LOL I can be VERY territorial about my things because I spend so much time planning them (like my perfectly portioned and labeled calorie meals).

I would be confrontational, but I like to be. I would even want to say that she can't be there all the time, but that's not fair because he does pay rent and unless you had this discussion with rules and boundaries before, it would be kind of rude.

However, in the case of the shower stuff, take it out of the bathroom. I don't understand why they're using your water instead of hers at her house! Does he contribute to the water bill or is it included as a set amount? If you add 1 more person it makes a difference - I've noticed!

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Old 04-25-2014, 11:34 AM   #5
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Second guessing yourself is a symptom of your anxiety disorder. Believe me, I know I hate confrontation as well, and always try to justify a reason why whatever is bothering me is really no big deal so I can avoid the confrontation. Hence the reason I have had a dead car (not mine!) in my garage for SIX YEARS!

These people are taking advantage of you. You are not overreacting. It is completely normal to not want a stranger using your bath products - not to mention how rude it is for her just helping herself without asking.

I'm planning on confronting the owner of the dead car this weekend. Probably in writing, lol. Baby steps! I encourage you to take some action as well. Good luck!
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Old 04-25-2014, 11:37 AM   #6
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you are not wrong at all!! I've lived with many many different roomates over the past 3 years and it is challenging to adapt to others standards/living styles that are unlike your own.
Now, IMO, since this is your home you should not have to feel any discomfort from the person or persons you are agreeing to temporarily share your home with!! The girlfriend of your house guest does not pay any of the bills in your home, and it seems she does have her own home, with her own shower and hopefully shower products. If the habit is to shower at your home after work every night she knows by now to bring her own things to do so.

Anyway don't feel bad, don't feel like you are putting them out, because these are your things that you work hard for. Do one of the two things and either ask her not to use your shower things, or remove them when your done so she cannot use them. Sorry long post but I feel strongly about people who don't respect the property of others, especially when you are doing them a favor(s)!!!

Hope this helps and best wishes with the remainder of their stay!
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Old 04-25-2014, 11:46 AM   #7
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Originally Posted by fadedbluejeans View Post
Second guessing yourself is a symptom of your anxiety disorder. Believe me, I know I hate confrontation as well, and always try to justify a reason why whatever is bothering me is really no big deal so I can avoid the confrontation. Hence the reason I have had a dead car (not mine!) in my garage for SIX YEARS!

These people are taking advantage of you. You are not overreacting. It is completely normal to not want a stranger using your bath products - not to mention how rude it is for her just helping herself without asking.

I'm planning on confronting the owner of the dead car this weekend. Probably in writing, lol. Baby steps! I encourage you to take some action as well. Good luck!
"Like" You will feel energized and relieved after you stand up for yourself. It's possible to confront in a tactful yet direct & clear manner. If the other person does not like it--and they probably won't---it's their problem, not yours. That's as it should be! Your home, incl garage & shower and everything else is your castle. It's about self-esteem. If you don't get it exactly right, no worries, you will get better with practice!

Last edited by mars735 : 04-25-2014 at 11:47 AM.
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Old 04-25-2014, 11:54 AM   #8
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I think you and your husband need to set a timeline with him on when he is to move out, and some guidelines on the gf visiting. He can't just have an unlimited about of time that he can stay there - it would be more motivating for him to get his sh*t together if he had a deadline anyway. It is your home and you should feel comfortable in it. This is your HUSBAND'S friend so he really should be the one having the chat with his friend, and he shouldn't make it sound like it's only you who is making the request.
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Old 04-25-2014, 02:26 PM   #9
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Oh my god, the shower thing would have driven me absolutely crazy. I'm ok with people using my stuff occasionally (that being the key word) as long as they ask first. If they don't, I completely hulk out because I find it unbelievably rude and a sign of poor character (yes, I can be super judgmental sometimes). Maybe you can tell her that you don't feel very comfortable sharing bath stuff.

I would say confront her about it, but I don't think she is the real problem here. I mean no offence to your husband's friend, but I think a big part of the reason that she does all this is that he's made her think it's ok. I honestly get the impression that he is overstaying his welcome. If he can afford to pay rent at your place, he can afford to find a smaller place for himself and pay rent there.

I think you might want to consider asking him to move out. You guys are a married couple, not some college sweethearts sharing a dorm room with a random friend. You need your space, and I think he should understand that.

If not though, you may want to set some boundaries on all the stuff he takes, like making him pay part of the grocery and water bill.
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Old 04-25-2014, 04:04 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by fadedbluejeans View Post
Second guessing yourself is a symptom of your anxiety disorder. Believe me, I know I hate confrontation as well, and always try to justify a reason why whatever is bothering me is really no big deal so I can avoid the confrontation. Hence the reason I have had a dead car (not mine!) in my garage for SIX YEARS!

These people are taking advantage of you. You are not overreacting. It is completely normal to not want a stranger using your bath products - not to mention how rude it is for her just helping herself without asking.

I'm planning on confronting the owner of the dead car this weekend. Probably in writing, lol. Baby steps! I encourage you to take some action as well. Good luck!
Thank you. You are so right. I don't feel ok about it and I am just second guessing myself because of my anxiety over the situation. Goodluck with the car situation lol!

Really thank you everyone so much. I am glad I am not the only one who doesn't like others using their stuff!

It is a huge mess. He was supposed to be moving in March but back in Feb he borrowed our car and was drinking and crashed it. He completely totaled as in no fixing our car. He was suspended from work for a month because they have like a no looking bad whatever type of clause and because of that and all the court costs & fees and having to pay us back for the car (every so slowly) he doesn't have the cash. She is living with her mom I guess since her husband kicked her out.

So much craziness & drama. I just want a nice normal life and not to be involved with people like this. It is causing alot of stress. I think I am going to just talk to my husband about giving his friend the push to find his own place.
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Old 04-25-2014, 07:05 PM   #11
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Does your husband have the same issues with confrontation? Maybe you could explain to him, and he can tell the buddy it's time to move out.
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Old 04-25-2014, 10:13 PM   #12
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Enough! Roommates are for college. Tell your husband to tell his friend to get out and promptly change your locks. It's time for his friend to grow up and take care of himself.
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Old 04-26-2014, 11:14 PM   #13
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Oh my word...Number one, NO ONE DRIVES MY CAR THAT IS NOT COVERED UNDER MY INSURANCE. Period...

You gotta start setting some rules and being firm about it, otherwise you will go crazy like you're doing now.

Secondly, you need to sit down with your husband and discuss having this guy move out. Obviously, he's a bit strapped for cash, and I get that. BUT, this is your house and he's clearly overstayed his welcome. Is the only thing he's paying is the rent? Because that's just not enough. I have two brothers living with me, and I have them paying a portion for food, electric, and phone bill at the moment. Just too hard trying to make it otherwise.

Sit down with your husband and tell him that I want so-and-so out by New Year's at the latest. Set a deadline where the dude should be more than ready to do by that point. Then tell your husband that he needs to have a conversation with his buddy about it. If he doesn't do it, then you'll have to, but make sure your hubby is in the same room when you do so that you do present a united front. Don't let darling hubby weasel out of it.

Then bring home some catalogs of homes/apts for rent for him to see. Also, don't allow his very much still married girlfriend around as that's nothing but bad news. The more time he has to spend away from your house, the more he'll be inclined to move out, especially when you ask every so often if he's found a place.
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Old 04-28-2014, 09:26 AM   #14
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They say that no good deed goes unpunished and you are in the thick of it. First of all you have no business helping out this "friend" at all. It doesn't sound like you have the space for it. If you're all sharing a shower then you don't have enough room for him to be a roommate. You're a married grown up, you pay mortgage, you get your own shower and you don't have to share that with anyone except your husband (if that lol!). I'm sorry but the thought of me sharing my shower with some guy is just gross, line crossed, wouldn't happen.

And now this guy is bringing around his girlfriend, who has obvious problems and I wouldn't be too sure that her husband is going to stay quiet for long, there is a risk that he'll show up at your house again causing all kinds of trouble and you don't want any part of that.

I understand that confrontation is difficult, it's not easy for me either and it's not something I take pleasure in or even do very well. But there's no choice in the matter, it has to be done because you are the only person who is able to stand up for yourself. This guest has overstayed his welcome and is clearly overstepping boundaries.... who brings their married girlfriend over to his friend's house and takes showers with her? That is DISGUSTING!

Hopefully your husband can deal with this, although why he hasn't already is a mystery to me, I won't get into it but if my husband dared to tell me "it's just soap" he'd probably be sleeping on the couch or with his friend instead of me.

Sit down with this "friend" and say:
- This living arrangement is not working out anymore. I am very uncomfortable with your girlfriend coming here and bringing all her issues with her, I'm uncomfortable with her taking showers here and I don't want her here anymore. We tried to help you get on your feet but it looks like the longer you stay the more unlikely it is that you will leave and you keep getting further and further into debt so clearly this arrangement is doing you more harm than good. You'll have to be out in 2weeks. And your girlfriend can't come here anymore unless it's to help you move out.

That's it, you just have to say it and be done with it and you'll just have to take my word for it that the world will not explode if you stand up for yourself. It won't be pleasant but you will feel so much relief!
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Old 04-28-2014, 11:55 AM   #15
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Thank you. You are so right. I don't feel ok about it and I am just second guessing myself because of my anxiety over the situation. Goodluck with the car situation lol!
...
So much craziness & drama. I just want a nice normal life and not to be involved with people like this. It is causing alot of stress. I think I am going to just talk to my husband about giving his friend the push to find his own place.
All I can add is don't make other people's problems your problems. We all have enough of our own, lol.
BTW, I brought up the car issue and it was very unpleasant - as I expected. But at least I stood up for myself.
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