[Crazygurl1211]

Originally Posted by pixelllate

Usually if someone asks specifically for a full body pic, even if they explicitly say that they don't care, it usually means that (at least to some degree) they actually do care. They just say that to buffer themselves from moral criticism for caring in the first place - a precaution in case it stirs up anything. Not criticizing that, I'd be curious myself and to some degree care if I only saw the face.

This makes sense. I'm glad I know this now so I don't take everything people say at face value anymore. It's common sense, but I guess I wanted to believe differently. As I said earlier, I knew this and in fact had stopped replying to guys in the past when they requested a full picture, but with this guy I just hoped it was different. It wasn't. I am at the point now where I have no interest in meaningless, directionless dating and want to find someone to spend the rest of my life with, and being shallow is a dealbreaker for that guy no matter what my size.

Originally Posted by pixelllate

Same with dropping off in silence - its a precaution - maybe he's had experiences with being direct and it caused a lot huge back and forth messaging and he finds it just easier to be silent and not have to explain himself. I'm not saying that you would have taken direct rejection that way, but a lot of people do - huge ragey stalkerish messaging that is only further instigated by responses - silence at least on the internet messaging side sometimes tends to be the best defense from that.

Yeah, that makes sense too. I actually kind of figured that when I really thought about it. Of course, I wouldn't send those kind of messages - I'd sure as **** be THINKING lots of crap about the guy, but all he would get is something along the lines of "that's cool, good luck with everything!" I would never push myself on someone who has made it clear they don't want me - I have pride after all.

[kaplods]

Originally Posted by maddierep

If I may hijack this thread, Kaplods, could i ask you how you would frame a specific personal ad? maybe a couple of sentences?

I'm thinking of starting dating online and not quote sure how to be specific.

The two books I used (which had great examples) to model my ad after were

#1. Guerrilla Dating tactics ny Sharyn Wolf (which was the most helpful).

#2. Big, Big Love by Hanne Blank (the revised edition is called, Big, Big Love, Revised: A Sex and Relationships Guide for People of Size (and Those Who Love Them). I used the 2000 edition (placing my ad, and meeting my hubby in October of 2001), but I hear the new edition is even better.


#2 is geared towards fat folk specifically, and very fat folk primarily, so it would be of limited usefulness to anyone who isn't either at least 50 lbs above "ideal" weight or dating (or wanting to date) someone who is. However a lot of the self esteem and dating advice applies no matter what your size.

These books were printed 14-16 years ago, so some of the information is likely to be obsolete.

[maddierep]

Ooh, thank you Kaplods.

Originally Posted by Crazygurl1211

To be honest, I think I've had just about enough of online dating.

And i think it's very brave of you. I haven't been rejected because i've not tried. And I plan on changing that and being more open to possible hurt but eventually getting what i want (like you).

[davina]

I really agree with the posts saying to include a full body shot if you are doing the online dating thing.
It will save you feeling insecure/rejected because only interested parties will contact you. You can likely weed out any 'chubby chasers' with a few brief email exchanges.

[kaplods]

Originally Posted by davina

I really agree with the posts saying to include a full body shot if you are doing the online dating thing.
It will save you feeling insecure/rejected because only interested parties will contact you. You can likely weed out any 'chubby chasers' with a few brief email exchanges.

And you can weed most of them out even before a single email, if you word your profile/ad in such a way that makes it clear they'd be wasting their time.

Just placing your ad on a generic dating site weeds out most of the guys who ONLY like fat women, because they don't go to the generic dating sites, they go to the fat-only sites and other sites where all or most of the women are plus sized.

You can discourage virtually all the rest, just by how you write your profile. I've seen profiles written to discourage the extreme chubby chasers who only want women of a certain size, even on websites dedicated to chubby chasers..

All you have to do is state your preferences and describe yourself and your interests. The more of both you do in your profile, the more you will attract what you want and discourage what you don't want.


Say for example, you write:

My current weight is x, my goal weight is y.


You will scare away the guys who are interested ONLY in women of either x or y and the guys looking for a woman larger than you are, or thinner than you want to be. As an added bonus, by being direct you don't come across as diet-obsessed, or weight-obsessed. Avoiding or skirting around the topic or using euphemisms makes you seem insecure, but writing too much makes you seem obsessed.


In my experience, most guys are actually less repelled by a woman who is fat than by a woman who thinks she's fat.

Some men like women of many sizes. Some men only like thin women. Some men only like slightly fat women. Some men only like very fat women. Most men are repelled by weight or diet obsession in women.

Want to see panic on a guys face? Ask the male's most dreaded question, "Do I look fat in this?"

[EagleRiverDee]

I know how this feels. Years ago, when ICQ was the program people used for chatting online, I had made a male friend on ICQ. Just a friend. We never spoke of dating, and he lived way across the country. Anyway, one day he asked for my picture, and after months of friendship he never spoke to me again. I was crushed. I mean, I could understand if I was trying to date him, and he just wasn't attracted. But...I was too ugly to be his friend???? I never understood that, and it really hurt me.

The only thing I can say is that you have to tell yourself- if he's that shallow and insensitive that he would just ignore you, he probably wasn't a guy you'd want in your life anyway. But it does hurt, and you've every right to feel hurt by it.

[JohnP]

I didn't read any of the responses but I would suggest having a full body picture so you weed out the people who care about this kind of thing.

Then list in your profile you're dieting and your goal is X lbs so you weed out the guys who only want a bigger woman.

[Crazygurl1211]

Originally Posted by EagleRiverDee

I know how this feels. Years ago, when ICQ was the program people used for chatting online, I had made a male friend on ICQ. Just a friend. We never spoke of dating, and he lived way across the country. Anyway, one day he asked for my picture, and after months of friendship he never spoke to me again. I was crushed. I mean, I could understand if I was trying to date him, and he just wasn't attracted. But...I was too ugly to be his friend???? I never understood that, and it really hurt me.

The only thing I can say is that you have to tell yourself- if he's that shallow and insensitive that he would just ignore you, he probably wasn't a guy you'd want in your life anyway. But it does hurt, and you've every right to feel hurt by it.

Well, from everything I've seen, when a guy calls himself your "friend," he really is interested in something more. Many guys have told me that the only reason guys have girls as friends is because they hope to eventually sleep with them. I hope this isn't always true, but I think there's an element of it with most male/female friendships. I've had several guys refer to themselves as my "friends" when they had made it obvious that they were interested in us dating. One guy I was ACTUALLY dating even referred to me as his "female friend" when he was talking to someone else.

I've had guys who I thought of as friends delete me on Facebook when they got engaged or married. It was hurtful, because I had thought that we were friends, and why should that change just because he gets married? But like I said, guys see friendships with women differently than the women in question do. One of my guy friends deleted about 200 girls on Facebook when he got engaged, including me, and then added about 20 of us back, including me, when he started having problems in his marriage, lol.

So you weren't too ugly to be his friend, because from the sounds of it he wasn't really in it for "friendship" in the first place. He just didn't respond to your photo for whatever reason - and it doesn't mean that you're unattractive, just that you're not his cup of tea, or he decided he didn't want a relationship, or found someone else, or like Kaplods said he might have been one of those guys who collect women's pictures like baseball cards and that's all he wanted.

I agree that it is shallow and insensitive for someone to ignore you especially after you sent a picture. When someone sends a pic, they are putting themselves in a vulnerable position, and the decent thing to do is respond. Ignoring someone after they sent a pic that YOU requested just really messes with their heads. And I agree that this showed that he is not someone I would want to date anyway.

[Crazygurl1211]

Originally Posted by kaplods

Want to see panic on a guys face? Ask the male's most dreaded question, "Do I look fat in this?"

Lol, that actually casts a whole different light on my situation. He could have decided not to respond to me just because he wanted to avoid that conversation!

It may have been that he thought I was insecure about my appearance, from my trepidation at sending him a picture and not including recent full pictures online, so once he saw that I was bigger than what he preferred, he didn't want to get into that nightmarish conversation where he had to either lie and tell me I was still his type or tell me I was too big for him and risk rage and backlash from me.

[Bloopers]

I don't really have much to say about the situation, just that it downright sucks! I'm glad you're using it as a motivator to lose weight though!

[Crazygurl1211]

Kind of a weird update - the guy messaged me on Friday night and said what's up. After some small talk, he said something about how I never want to hang out with him. I asked him what he was talking about, and he said never mind. It was weird...lol.

So maybe it had nothing to do with my weight at all. Or maybe he's no longer interested but didn't want to be a COMPLETE jerk so he got back to me eventually - who knows lol. So I'm okay with him now...think he's kind of a weirdo, but I'm not going to call him a jerk anymore haha.

I guess we never really know what's going on in someone else's head...

[Brandis]

Who can explain guys? Just be careful, in case he's just looking to hook up because his other options got slim (no pun intended, really). I don't think you should be entertaining any ideas of romance with someone so flighty. You are too pretty to settle!

[mandypandy2246]

I struggle with this issue - on one hand, you need to put your best foot forward so people actually look at your profile. And everyone is using great pics so you need to too. On the other hand, I want to be realistic. The best advice I got is put the profile picture that is the "reel them in" pic .. (the super flattering head shot), but also have in your profile some more realistic (not quite so flattering shots). Or if you don't want body shots in your profile. I would send someone one early on talking to them so they know exactly who they are talking to. I fear going to a first meeting and having them instantly be unattracted and regretting it (not that I should care). But really, I'd rather not waste my time, so I definitely recommend posting the more realistic/full body shot pictures, or simply sending some when you start communicating. Their loss if they aren't interested and better for you not to waste your time.

[Wannabehealthy]

I think attraction is something that no one will ever understand. It's not necessarily the best looking guy or the prettiest girl that you're attracted to. And as soon as you think you're attracted to a certain type, you fall head over heels for someone completely different.

When I was dating and sometimes felt insecure about my looks, I would see other couples, and maybe the girl was heavy, or maybe not really that pretty, or maybe the guy was not so great. But something had attracted them to each other. It's usually not all about looks. It either clicks or it doesn't.

It's very possible that this guy saw your picture and thought "This girl will never be interested in me."