3 Fat Chicks on a Diet Weight Loss Community  

Go Back   3 Fat Chicks on a Diet Weight Loss Community > Support Forum > General chatter

General chatter Because life isn't just about dieting. Play games, jokes, or share what's new in your life!

Feeling insecure right now...a guy rejected me because of my weight.

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 04-23-2014, 07:18 PM   #16
Junior Member
 
Crazygurl1211's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 15

S/C/G: 245/225/120

Height: 5'4"

Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by PatLib View Post
Hmmm, I think he is jerk for not responding to you but not necessarily for rejecting you.
I agree with this part.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PatLib View Post
I just don't think people are automatically bad people for being honest and saying they aren't attracted to a certain body type.
But the thing is that he was NOT honest. He reassured me that he didn't care how much I weighed before I sent the pic, when this was clearly not the case. I was apprehensive about sending it, and he had to know that, and then he didn't even have the decency to respond once I sent it. So basically he lied just to get me to put myself out there, just so he could reject me because I didn't fit his ideal.

I understand that a certain level of attraction is needed, but it's the way he dealt with it that annoys me. After talking for a month and a half, I would have thought that at the very least, we were friends. And I don't know about him, but I would never treat a friend like that - ignoring them after they sent a pic that I had asked for, especially since I knew they were apprehensive about sending it. And it's disappointing that someone could just completely discard over a month of good conversations and growing feelings over something as superficial as appearance - especially weight which CAN BE changed. I mean, if he had bothered to ask, or continued talking to me, he would have found out that I am working damn hard to get down to my ideal weight and have already made significant progress. And that that size 6 hourglass figure he saw in my teenage pics on Facebook could very well be back before the end of this year!

If I had been talking to a guy for a significant length of time, and he sent me a pic that showed him to be more overweight, scrawny, etc. than I expected, I would be a little disappointed, not gonna lie. I'm human, after all. But I would never just stop talking to him because I didn't like his picture, especially if I was really into him before. I would still give him a chance and meet him - and who knows, he could want to improve his appearance as well, and we could even work out together! I haven't dated much, but I have dated a scrawny guy, talked to a few overweight guys online, etc. I personally prefer a really fit guy, but I would never write someone off because they didn't look a certain way. And I would absolutely NEVER tell them their appearance doesn't matter, have them send a pic, and then just never respond.

I don't get how being shallow has become so acceptable in modern society...people emphasizing "physical attraction" and finding someone who is their "type" is probably a major reason for all the failed marriages that are happening. You don't get a lasting relationship/marriage from marrying someone who's "hot" at the expense of everything else.

Last edited by Crazygurl1211 : 04-23-2014 at 07:24 PM.
Crazygurl1211 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-23-2014, 07:40 PM   #17
Senior Member
 
kaplods's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Wausau, WI
Posts: 13,278

S/C/G: SW:394/310/180

Height: 5'6"

Default

You will never know exactly why he dropped off, unless he decides to write and tell you (odds are he won't). It could be he was disappointed with your photo, but there are also other possible reasons. Sure, he may have been uncomfortable with your weight, or perhaps your not being up front about it. Some guys are EXTREMELY put off by any sign of body-consciousness or dieting in a woman. They're terrified of being asked, "do I look fat..."

There are dozens of other reasons too. Just because he's fit doesn't mean he isn't a chubby chaser. Maybe you're too thin for him (and if he's self-conscious about his preferences, he's not going to tell you that). Maybe your legs or feet were too big or too small, or he hated your outfit.

It may not be your weight or appearance at all. He may have a wife or girlfriend who found out he was "looking online" or an ex he reconnected with." Or another relationship may have become more serious with someone else he was talking to online or met in person. Or he could be a fetishist, who always disappears once he gets a woman to send him a photo (there are guys out there who collect women's photos like baseball cards, and will do whatever it takes to get the kind of photos they want).

When I started dating hubby, I dropped off some of my online prospects. Sure it wasn't very kind to just stop replying, but there's no easy way to say "sorry Pal, I met someone I like better, and I know we'd gotten friendly, but I'm not really looking for any more platonic friends, right now. Sorry, oh and by the way, here's all the reasons I lost interest in you........"

I don't want to be on either side of that kind of conversation, written or not.

Although from being on both sides of that kind of communication, I can tell you that the "goodbye email" may seem more respectful, but it tends to backfire, so the "just disappear" strategy tends to feel safer. When I started online dating (more than 15 years ago) I would try to back out of relationships gracefully with a carefully worded, "thanks, but no thanks" letter or phone call, and they almost always became ugly - responded to with angry, even scary "how dare you" responses, some even threateningly so, or worse, pitiful, "I can change to be whatever you want" stalker responses - just as scary in a different way.

Just disappearing may be cowardly, but cowardice isn't exactly an uncommon reason for online dating in the first place, and just disappearing often feels safer than trying to word a diplomatic goodbye letter which the person probably will react to just as badly to as if you said "F***-off, Loser."
__________________
My Etsy shop (currently closed for the summer)

http://www.dreamstormdesigns.etsy.com
etsy link by permission from 3fc! Want to add yours? Ask them!

Last edited by kaplods : 04-23-2014 at 08:21 PM.
kaplods is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-23-2014, 07:46 PM   #18
Senior Member
 
PatLib's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 369

S/C/G: 225/167/135

Height: 5'7"

Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Crazygurl1211 View Post
I agree with this part.



But the thing is that he was NOT honest. He reassured me that he didn't care how much I weighed before I sent the pic, when this was clearly not the case. I was apprehensive about sending it, and he had to know that, and then he didn't even have the decency to respond once I sent it. So basically he lied just to get me to put myself out there, just so he could reject me because I didn't fit his ideal.

I understand that a certain level of attraction is needed, but it's the way he dealt with it that annoys me. After talking for a month and a half, I would have thought that at the very least, we were friends. And I don't know about him, but I would never treat a friend like that - ignoring them after they sent a pic that I had asked for, especially since I knew they were apprehensive about sending it. And it's disappointing that someone could just completely discard over a month of good conversations and growing feelings over something as superficial as appearance - especially weight which CAN BE changed. I mean, if he had bothered to ask, or continued talking to me, he would have found out that I am working damn hard to get down to my ideal weight and have already made significant progress. And that that size 6 hourglass figure he saw in my teenage pics on Facebook could very well be back before the end of this year!

If I had been talking to a guy for a significant length of time, and he sent me a pic that showed him to be more overweight, scrawny, etc. than I expected, I would be a little disappointed, not gonna lie. I'm human, after all. But I would never just stop talking to him because I didn't like his picture, especially if I was really into him before. I would still give him a chance and meet him - and who knows, he could want to improve his appearance as well, and we could even work out together! I haven't dated much, but I have dated a scrawny guy, talked to a few overweight guys online, etc. I personally prefer a really fit guy, but I would never write someone off because they didn't look a certain way. And I would absolutely NEVER tell them their appearance doesn't matter, have them send a pic, and then just never respond.

I don't get how being shallow has become so acceptable in modern society...people emphasizing "physical attraction" and finding someone who is their "type" is probably a major reason for all the failed marriages that are happening. You don't get a lasting relationship/marriage from marrying someone who's "hot" at the expense of everything else.
I agree, I meant that part of my comment as more generalized. I agree he should have been honest with you or had at least do the lame "it's not you it's me" thing so you are not left hanging.

I just dislike this whole idea that gets thrown around a lot "well he/she is a jerk if your weight bothers him/her."
__________________
PatLib is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-23-2014, 07:53 PM   #19
Senior Member
 
PatLib's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 369

S/C/G: 225/167/135

Height: 5'7"

Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by kaplods View Post
You will never know why he dropped off. It could be he was disappointed with your photo, but there are other reasons. Sure, he may have been uncomfortable with your weight, or your not being up front about it. Some guys are very put off my a woman who is dieting or self-conscious about her weight.
OMG YES. I was actually broken up with at the height of my Atkins diet insanity and I looked really good (just to toot my horn there).
__________________
PatLib is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-23-2014, 09:03 PM   #20
Junior Member
 
Crazygurl1211's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 15

S/C/G: 245/225/120

Height: 5'4"

Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by kaplods View Post
You will never know exactly why he dropped off, unless he decides to write and tell you (odds are he won't). It could be he was disappointed with your photo, but there are also other possible reasons. Sure, he may have been uncomfortable with your weight, or perhaps your not being up front about it. Some guys are EXTREMELY put off by any sign of body-consciousness or dieting in a woman. They're terrified of being asked, "do I look fat..."

There are dozens of other reasons too. Just because he's fit doesn't mean he isn't a chubby chaser. Maybe you're too thin for him (and if he's self-conscious about his preferences, he's not going to tell you that). Maybe your legs or feet were too big or too small, or he hated your outfit.

It may not be your weight or appearance at all. He may have a wife or girlfriend who found out he was "looking online" or an ex he reconnected with." Or another relationship may have become more serious with someone else he was talking to online or met in person. Or he could be a fetishist, who always disappears once he gets a woman to send him a photo (there are guys out there who collect women's photos like baseball cards, and will do whatever it takes to get the kind of photos they want).

When I started dating hubby, I dropped off some of my online prospects. Sure it wasn't very kind to just stop replying, but there's no easy way to say "sorry Pal, I met someone I like better, and I know we'd gotten friendly, but I'm not really looking for any more platonic friends, right now. Sorry, oh and by the way, here's all the reasons I lost interest in you........"

I don't want to be on either side of that kind of conversation, written or not.

Although from being on both sides of that kind of communication, I can tell you that the "goodbye email" may seem more respectful, but it tends to backfire, so the "just disappear" strategy tends to feel safer. When I started online dating (more than 15 years ago) I would try to back out of relationships gracefully with a carefully worded, "thanks, but no thanks" letter or phone call, and they almost always became ugly - responded to with angry, even scary "how dare you" responses, some even threateningly so, or worse, pitiful, "I can change to be whatever you want" stalker responses - just as scary in a different way.

Just disappearing may be cowardly, but cowardice isn't exactly an uncommon reason for online dating in the first place, and just disappearing often feels safer than trying to word a diplomatic goodbye letter which the person probably will react to just as badly to as if you said "F***-off, Loser."
I see what you're saying. Most of those reasons could be ruled out by what I know of him from his Facebook profile - for example, his relationship status is still "single." Also he hasn't deleted me on Facebook. Also I guess it's possible that he collects pics and that's it, but it doesn't seem likely. I had sent him another pic of my head and shoulders earlier and he didn't stop talking to me then, and there are plenty of pics of my head and shoulders on Facebook, so he wouldn't need to ask me to send him one personally to have one.

The most likely explanation that I can think of based on everything I have seen is that he wasn't expecting me to be overweight, so he said he didn't care about my size because he didn't think it would be an issue anyway. After all, there are full length pics of me on Facebook from when I was a teenager, when I was a size 6 or so, and he probably thought that I must still be around that size. Then, when I turned out to be quite a bit larger than he expected, he just didn't know what to say so he didn't say anything. He didn't want to say anything mean or rude, so he opted for saying nothing at all. He probably didn't want to have the awkward conversation where he had to explain to me that I wasn't his type after all and he was no longer interested in me that way. It is cowardly, like you said, but I guess in a way it's understandable.

It's the not knowing that is the worst part, really. But maybe I should just let this go. Maybe I'll hear from him again someday, maybe we'll end up friends and laugh about this eventually. Time will tell, like with all things - I guess if I hear from him soon after posting thinner pics, I'll know that it was exactly what I thought. But anger doesn't really help anything - we never really know what's going through another person's head, and we've all done things that have hurt others, even without meaning to. It doesn't mean I'm unattractive or unworthy, all it means is that this guy wasn't the one for me. That's it.

Last edited by Crazygurl1211 : 04-23-2014 at 09:16 PM.
Crazygurl1211 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-23-2014, 09:15 PM   #21
Junior Member
 
Crazygurl1211's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 15

S/C/G: 245/225/120

Height: 5'4"

Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by PatLib View Post
I agree, I meant that part of my comment as more generalized. I agree he should have been honest with you or had at least do the lame "it's not you it's me" thing so you are not left hanging.

I just dislike this whole idea that gets thrown around a lot "well he/she is a jerk if your weight bothers him/her."
Maybe not a bad person, but certainly shallow. I understand if it's really about wanting someone who shares a love of fitness, but if it's ALL about appearance, that is shallow. Not to mention that any overweight person, for all you know, is working on losing weight and getting in shape and could be just as into fitness as anyone. I HATE when fit people who work out on a daily basis say they wouldn't date someone overweight, not because of the looks issues, but because "I care about fitness and I deserve a partner who cares about fitness too." Because there are plenty of overweight people who DO care about fitness and even some who spend MORE time at the gym than the fit people.

I get that it's anyone's prerogative to be shallow if they want, but I stand by what I said that that's probably a big reason for all the divorces that are so prevalent these days. There was actually a guy from my early 20s, whom I thought was the one at the time, who married a girl for her looks - she could have been a bikini model, but they ended up divorced within less than 3 years.

Again, I don't think someone is a bad person for being shallow. To be honest, my reasons for being so into this guy, thinking about it now, had a lot to do with his looks. So I do it too, to an extent. But I would never write someone off for not being ideal physically - that's the difference IMO. And I despise the guys who say they would sleep with a fat girl but never date her seriously or let their friends know that they have anything to do with her - basically because she's fat they think it's okay to treat her like garbage - I guess at least this guy didn't try to do that, I'll give him that.

I hope I didn't come off like I was attacking you, PatLib. I value everyone's opinion, and I didn't just come on here looking for people to agree with everything I said. I appreciate the support that I have gotten from everyone here!

Last edited by Crazygurl1211 : 04-23-2014 at 09:17 PM.
Crazygurl1211 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-23-2014, 11:50 PM   #22
Senior Member
 
kaplods's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Wausau, WI
Posts: 13,278

S/C/G: SW:394/310/180

Height: 5'6"

Default

Your last two posts really said everything I was trying to make you see - you'll never know exactly what's going on in someone's head even if they try to tell you, and none of it has to cause you a moment of concern, let alone insecurity.


Some of what I'm going to say is going to seem a bit harsh, so if you're sensitive to, or stressed by rather blunt criticism, DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER.

My goal is to save you pain, not cause it. So if any of it becomes uncomfortable, stop reading.


Dating (let alone internet dating, which is worse) is brutal, and you have to be strong and courageous. It's risky, scary, and at times uncomfortable, because it's your "job" to judge and be judged, because that's the only way to find someone you can tolerate.

Even the most caring, sensitive, "deep" people have a few "shallow " prejudices, turn-offs, must-haves and deal-breakers.

Sometimes we don't even know what are prejudices actually are, we just get a turned-off vibe and lose interest for a reason we can't even identify.

It's possible that this guy felt that you were intentionally trying to hide your weight, which sent off a "this girl isn't being honest with me, what else is she hiding?" vibe.

I know for me, that kind of vibe was a HUGE deal breaker for me - like the guy who told me he was 30 and 5'11" when he was 50 and 5'1". The age and height wouldn't have bothered me at all, and when he did send his real photo and admitted the truth, I actually thought he was fairly good looking, but what I couldn't get past was the deception and insecurity the deception revealed - and it made me wonder what else he was hiding or lying about. I lost interest fast, because of his dishonesty, and didn't feel I owed him anything, including a goodbye. I'm sure he assumed I was shallow and was disappointed with his age and height, when I was actually turned off by his dishonesty.

It's possible your "buff guy" wasn't turned off by your pic, but by the fact you led him to believe you were something other than you were.

I'm not saying you were being dishonest and deceptive intentionally, though some of what you've said does indicate that you were intentionally trying to be vague about your weight, for reasons that could be considered shallow by some.

In a sense you were "shallow" first by presenting only your smaller self or "pretty face" on your facebook page and photos.

Who wouldn't be disappointed or disturbed by someone who seemingly went out of their way to obscure the truth?

At the very least, you sent this guy a clear and strong message that you were assuming he and most guys were shallow, because otherwise you wouldn't have felt the need to hide your size at all. It could also have seemed by this that you think the guys who would find you attractive exactly as you are, weren't good enough for you.

If a buff, fit guy could overcome a preference for fit, thin blondes then why couldn't a buff (or not-so buff) guy with a preference for women your exact shape be "deep enough" to accept you at a smaller size, especially if you're honest about wanting to be a smaller size.

To some degree, it does sound a bit like you didn't want to attract the guys you assumed would find your current body attractive, and that assumption, itself, is pretty shallow.

I've met and dated a lot of guys with all sorts of different preference, and I've found that of the guys who prefer dating larger women, most do so for the same or even less shallow reasons than men who prefer thin and average size women. Their preferences also tend to cover a much wider range of traits than just weight. Some are attracted to women of all sizes, some perceive larger women as nicer or less shallow, or believe them to have more interesting personalities than women who are stereotypically considered attractive.

Strangely (or not so strangely if you can give up shallow assumptions) guys who are attracted to curvier women are pretty much the same as guys attracted to thinner women. They come in all ages, sizes, and levels of wealth and attractiveness. Online and at BBW/size-positive events, t hey actually tend to be more educated and have more class and money (if only because poor, undereducated guys are more insecure about voicing a non-mainstram preference).

I'm sure you didn't mean to send that message, but that's easily what could have come across. I know that's what came across when Mr. 5'1" and 50 and other guys were deceptive to me about there appearance, and not just those with 20 year and 10" lies.

One guy lied about being a minor celebrity. One guy exagerated about being a commercial pilot, implying airlines when he was actually a crop-duster (which I would have been just as impressed with, because salary was low on my priorities).

One guy sent a photo that was only a couple years old, but he neglected to mention that he had gained weight and gone bald in those few years.

I actually have a bit of a "thing" for bald and balding guys and even with the weight gain he wasn't fat (actually just about perfect by my standards) so I though he was better looking in real life, but his good looks didn't make up for the fact that he felt the need to hide his baldness. Both the deception and his insecurity were major turn-offs.


Men and women tend to find confidence sexy, and tend to be turned off by deception (even small deceptions) and insecurity.

I have very fond memories of all the honest, confident guys I met in-person and through personal ads (mine and theirs) and really miserable memories of dating deception and insecurity (again, on both sides).

When I placed the ad through which I met hubby, I was BRUTALLY honest about my weight, weight history, and dieting/fitness/activity level and everything else that was important to me, because I had learned the hard way that glossing over insecurities always bit me in the butt. No good came out of my not mentioning my weight or dieting/fitness goals, so I included it all (and what's in parenthesis is the message I was hoping to send with my words).

I'm fat. believe the exact words were "fat, funny, and fabulous."

When I say I'm fat, I'm this fat - and gave my actual stats (no surprises)

I'm dieting and working at getting fitter (hey chubby chasers, BBW admirerer's, and feeders - if you want me to stay this fat, you may be disappointed. Hey committed couch potatoes, you probably don't want me either).

Liberal attitudes, conservative morals, looking for the same for a slowly developing, eventually long-term, monogamous relationship (if you're looking for a one-night stand, an extramarital affair or a friend with benefits, move along).


It sounds ridiculous to be that specific in a profile or personal ad, but it weeds out a whole lot of wrong and shallow before you even get any responses. And all the rejection you don't get to see, can't ding your confidence or self-esteem.

Some of what I put in my ad, I learned the hard - when guys disappeared (or worse) when they learned my actual size (worse, being them telling me I was too fat and then disappeared). some I put in because of what I learned getting my BA and MA in psychology and learned about studying formally and informally about how men and women date and think - and a whole lot of stuff I learned from dating books and other women.
"
I'm not saying my way is the only way, but it does save time and misery by weeding out a whole lot of "not right for you, anyway" responses.


Almost all of the dating manuals will out-and-out tell you that the biggest "rookie mistake" of online and print personal ads is casting too wide a net, rather than fishing for the exact partner you want. Misleading descriptions and photos that obscure age and physical appearance, exagerating attributes and accomplishments, listing generic and cliche interests ("candlelight dinners and walks on the beach" particularly if the nearest beach is hundreds of miles away)...

Even minor exagerations, deceptions, cover- ups or waited-too-long-to-mention facts tend to be extreme turn-offs for people regardless of their degree of shallowness or depth.


There's a fine line between putting your best face forward, and projecting a fictional version of yourself. And I do think that being vague about your appearance does amount to presenting a fictional version of yourself, no less so than hiding or embellishing upon the truth in any other way. And when you're not completely honest with someone, it's more than a bit hypocritical to accuse that person of being shallow for doing the same.
__________________
My Etsy shop (currently closed for the summer)

http://www.dreamstormdesigns.etsy.com
etsy link by permission from 3fc! Want to add yours? Ask them!

Last edited by kaplods : 04-24-2014 at 12:15 AM.
kaplods is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-24-2014, 02:48 AM   #23
Junior Member
 
Crazygurl1211's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 15

S/C/G: 245/225/120

Height: 5'4"

Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by kaplods View Post
It's possible that this guy felt that you were intentionally trying to hide your weight, which sent off a "this girl isn't being honest with me, what else is she hiding?" vibe.

[...]

I'm not saying you were being dishonest and deceptive intentionally, though some of what you've said does indicate that you were intentionally trying to be vague about your weight, for reasons that could be considered shallow by some.

In a sense you were "shallow" first by presenting only your smaller self or "pretty face" on your facebook page and photos.

Who wouldn't be disappointed or disturbed by someone who seemingly went out of their way to obscure the truth?

At the very least, you sent this guy a clear and strong message that you were assuming he and most guys were shallow, because otherwise you wouldn't have felt the need to hide your size at all. It could also have seemed by this that you think the guys who would find you attractive exactly as you are, weren't good enough for you.

If a buff, fit guy could overcome a preference for fit, thin blondes then why couldn't a buff (or not-so buff) guy with a preference for women your exact shape be "deep enough" to accept you at a smaller size, especially if you're honest about wanting to be a smaller size.

To some degree, it does sound a bit like you didn't want to attract the guys you assumed would find your current body attractive, and that assumption, itself, is pretty shallow.

I've met and dated a lot of guys with all sorts of different preference, and I've found that of the guys who prefer dating larger women, most do so for the same or even less shallow reasons than men who prefer thin and average size women. Their preferences also tend to cover a much wider range of traits than just weight. Some are attracted to women of all sizes, some perceive larger women as nicer or less shallow, or believe them to have more interesting personalities than women who are stereotypically considered attractive.

[...]

There's a fine line between putting your best face forward, and projecting a fictional version of yourself. And I do think that being vague about your appearance does amount to presenting a fictional version of yourself, no less so than hiding or embellishing upon the truth in any other way. And when you're not completely honest with someone, it's more than a bit hypocritical to accuse that person of being shallow for doing the same.
I understand everything that you said. However, in my case I wasn't really (at least not actively) hiding anything from anyone. Not posting full body pictures on Facebook - in general, that's more about modesty than an attempt to hide my size. As I gained weight, certain parts of me grew more than the rest, and those were the very parts I was always self-conscious about. Even back in the junior high, I was always the girl who wore baggy clothes and duct taped myself so that I wouldn't draw too much attention from boys.

The teenage pics that I posted on Facebook were all posted back in July 2008 - I don't make a habit of regularly posting teenage pics of myself. And these weren't so much an attempt to make people think I still looked like that, but just to have a few pictures up, because I had no current pictures that I actually liked. My little brother was in some those pictures too, and everyone who knew me would know that I did not have a 5 year old brother at age 23 in 2008. I understand that you were more turned off by guys' deception than the things they were lying about, but I never lied about my weight. I simply didn't include current full pictures - mostly because I don't really take pictures anyway and some of my guy friends have made comments about my figure that made me really uncomfortable. I'm really conservative and don't want guys looking at me in that way - which is actually a big part of why I was even leery of sending this guy this picture. So any pictures that I'm tagged in are now set so that only I can see them, and my profile pictures are all of just my head and shoulders. The teenage pics I didn't even know were still visible to anyone until I actually viewed my profile from a friend's computer.

And even if it came across to him that I was being deceptive, it had nothing to do with him specifically, but EVERYONE who can see my Facebook page. I get that people will interpret and misinterpret things in their own ways though, and maybe he interpreted something in a way that isn't true. After all, he doesn't know me well enough to know everything I just said, and he's been free to make his own assumptions. But overall, I was honest with him - when he asked early on why I hardly have any pics on Facebook, I was honest and said that I don't think I photograph well, so I avoid cameras. I never tried to present myself as a perfect supermodel.

And honestly, I haven't had good experiences with dating guys who prefer bigger women. The one guy I dated, back in college, preferred bigger girls, and he was a jerk. He even told me that he would no longer like me if I lost weight, which I took to mean that he didn't even see me as a person but as an object for his fetish. And he called me "fat" all the time, even though he knew I hated it - he knew I was working out daily and wanted to lose weight for my own health and happiness, and he continued to undermine my efforts and insult me. He really cared more about his fetish than my health and well being, and I didn't like that.

In my opinion, being vague about my appearance is just that, being vague. It's not trying to convey false information, it's rather simply not presenting the information at all. Why is it my Facebook friends' business what my body looks like anyway?

Last edited by Crazygurl1211 : 04-24-2014 at 02:53 AM.
Crazygurl1211 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-24-2014, 04:17 AM   #24
Senior Member
 
kaplods's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Wausau, WI
Posts: 13,278

S/C/G: SW:394/310/180

Height: 5'6"

Default

You're free to share or not share any information you choose, I'm just saying how easy it can be for false assumptions to be made (on both sides) and it doesn't necessarily point to shallowness.

If I'm understanding you correctly, you've dated one guy who had a inflexible fat fetish and was a jerk? So all guys who like heavier women are A-holes because this guy was?


Even if you had told this guy, early on that you were heavier than in your photos, maybe he would have responded differently, maybe not. Maybe he's the biggest jerk on the planet.

My only point is that it doesn't matter in the least why this guy isn't interested, and it doesn't matter how he ended it. Don't waste your time worrying about what a random, anonymous stranger (and until you meet in person, he's a stranger) thinks.

If you want to avoid as much rejection as possible, make your ads/profiles extremely specific both about who you are physically, intellectually, morally...... and who you're looking for. The more specific you are, the fewer incompatible responses you will get and the fewer unpleasant surprises.

I'm just telling you what I learned and did by the time I met my husband at 35.

I've been where you are, exactly. Everything you've written, is virtually exactly what I would have thought, done, and said in my twenties (only when I was in my twenties it was magazine and newspaper personal ads rather than online).


By the time I was 35, I was getting sick of having to waste so much time getting to know guys that weren't what I wanted. When I read in a dating book how to write specific and bluntly honest ads, I figured I had nothing to lose. It was awkward at first, but liberating as well to get the rejection and rejecting done to move on to the next potential partner as quickly as possible (a lot of which could be done by writing the specific, blunt profile or ad).

I dated more in my last 5 years of dating (ages 30-35) than in all my prior years combined (from 13-30), and had a lot more fun doing so, all because I stopped taking rejection personally or seeing it as a terrible thing or a mystery I had to solve.

I found that blunt honesty was a time saver and allowed my to bypass a lot of the jerks and most of the "nice, but not for me" types.

If you don't want a guy who is hung up on weight - then SAY that in your profile, whether or not you include a photo or disclose your exact weight or size. If you're self conscious, or modest, put that out there.

The more you put up upfront, the fewer replies you'll get, but the more compatible the replies will be.

Unfortunately weight and physical appearance is a very big part of physical attraction. Some of it's biochemistry, and very few of us want to admit we rejected a prospective partner only because there was no instant attraction - and even fewer of us want to admit that to the prospective partner.

Making it even more complicated, most people believe that it is difficult or impossible to develop attraction, so if there is no instant spark, they assume none will ever be (I was 30 or close to it before I fully realized that I could become attracted to someone who initially repulsed me a little).

If I had learned some of this stuff earlier, dating would have been much easier (but then I would have never met my husband. I NEVER would have had an opportunity to meet him in our 20's, though neither of us would have been interested in the other even if we had met.

You can get exactly what you ask for in a partner, but you have to ask and you have to reject the ones that aren't it - and if they reject you first, it's still good news because it closes a door on a Mr. Wrong, opening the door for Mr. Right that much sooner.
__________________
My Etsy shop (currently closed for the summer)

http://www.dreamstormdesigns.etsy.com
etsy link by permission from 3fc! Want to add yours? Ask them!

Last edited by kaplods : 04-24-2014 at 12:24 PM.
kaplods is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-24-2014, 05:14 AM   #25
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 63

S/C/G: 160/147/120

Height: 5'2"

Default

If I may hijack this thread, Kaplods, could i ask you how you would frame a specific personal ad? maybe a couple of sentences?

I'm thinking of starting dating online and not quote sure how to be specific.
maddierep is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-24-2014, 07:56 AM   #26
Senior Member
 
kaplods's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Wausau, WI
Posts: 13,278

S/C/G: SW:394/310/180

Height: 5'6"

Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by maddierep View Post
If I may hijack this thread, Kaplods, could i ask you how you would frame a specific personal ad? maybe a couple of sentences?

I'm thinking of starting dating online and not quote sure how to be specific.
It depends on whatever is most important to you to. Who do you want to attract and who do you want to steer away from you.

I'll try to remember the book or two that gave the best advice and examples that I followed. They may not be in print any longer, but I'll probably be able to find them on amazon.

If I could find great guys at 360 lbs (and more importantly, the one guy perfect for me, who isn't btw, attracted to only overweight women), others can too. It isn't as easy as it would be for a supermodel (but that would bring its own challenges, as supermodels aren't immune to angst and insecurity).
__________________
My Etsy shop (currently closed for the summer)

http://www.dreamstormdesigns.etsy.com
etsy link by permission from 3fc! Want to add yours? Ask them!
kaplods is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-24-2014, 11:37 AM   #27
Senior Member
 
pixelllate's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Park Slope, NYC
Posts: 1,140

Height: 5'3.25''

Default

Usually if someone asks specifically for a full body pic, even if they explicitly say that they don't care, it usually means that (at least to some degree) they actually do care. They just say that to buffer themselves from moral criticism for caring in the first place - a precaution in case it stirs up anything. Not criticizing that, I'd be curious myself and to some degree care if I only saw the face.

Same with dropping off in silence - its a precaution - maybe he's had experiences with being direct and it caused a lot huge back and forth messaging and he finds it just easier to be silent and not have to explain himself. I'm not saying that you would have taken direct rejection that way, but a lot of people do - huge ragey stalkerish messaging that is only further instigated by responses - silence at least on the internet messaging side sometimes tends to be the best defense from that.
__________________


I listened to my gut and it said "You could do with less of me."

B00ty-Underwear pic as of March 2014 NSFW

Last edited by pixelllate : 04-24-2014 at 11:42 AM.
pixelllate is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-24-2014, 12:44 PM   #28
Warrior Princess
 
novangel's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Illinois
Posts: 2,538

S/C/G: 155/138/140

Height: 5' 5.5"

Default

Everyone has a type that they find attractive. He handled it wrong, I agree, but realistically physical attraction is important in a relationship. He lied about not caring to get you to send a full picture. I'd delete him on FB and move on.
__________________



novangel is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-24-2014, 03:33 PM   #29
Junior Member
 
Crazygurl1211's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 15

S/C/G: 245/225/120

Height: 5'4"

Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by kaplods View Post
If I'm understanding you correctly, you've dated one guy who had a inflexible fat fetish and was a jerk? So all guys who like heavier women are A-holes because this guy was?
No, but it definitely soured me on dating guys who would ONLY want a large woman. I kind of see them as caring more about their fetish than the woman's health, and I don't like that. There have been guys who have been attracted to me in the meantime who obviously like women of all sizes, and I was totally okay with that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kaplods View Post
My only point is that it doesn't matter in the least why this guy isn't interested, and it doesn't matter how he ended it. Don't waste your time worrying about what a random, anonymous stranger (and until you meet in person, he's a stranger) thinks.
I agree with this. I generally have a problem where I am overly hurt by any random person not liking me or rejecting me in any way, and that is something I need to work on.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kaplods View Post
If you want to avoid as much rejection as possible, make your ads/profiles extremely specific both about who you are physically, intellectually, morally...... and who you're looking for. The more specific you are, the fewer incompatible responses you will get and the fewer unpleasant surprises.
To be honest, I think I've had just about enough of online dating. I never had to deal with rejection like this before, because I never approached guys, and the guys who approached me clearly saw all of me before doing so and liked what they saw from the beginning, so they obviously weren't going to reject me because of my looks. I will probably keep my OkCupid profile up, but for the purpose of just making friends, not seriously trying to find a significant other. I have made some good friends on there.

And really, the only reason I started online dating in the first place was because I had OCD and had a very hard time leaving the house. Now that I'm getting a little better and can actually leave the house more, I need to focus on that and really just getting myself back out into the world rather than expecting online dating to help me find someone.

You make a lot of good points about being upfront about looks, but really I feel a lot of those problems would be solved by just meeting guys in person rather than using online dating sites. Of course there would still be personality flaws to deal with, but there would be anyway even with online dating.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kaplods View Post
You can get exactly what you ask for in a partner, but you have to ask and you have to reject the ones that aren't it - and if they reject you first, it's still good news because it closes a door on a Mr. Wrong, opening the door for Mr. Right that much sooner.
I very much agree with that. The fact that this guy didn't respond to me just showed that he isn't the one for me, and I should be grateful that I didn't waste several months with him before finding that out. In those months, I could've missed out on meeting my Mr. Right because I was preoccupied with a doomed relationship.
Crazygurl1211 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-24-2014, 03:38 PM   #30
Junior Member
 
Crazygurl1211's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 15

S/C/G: 245/225/120

Height: 5'4"

Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by novangel View Post
Everyone has a type that they find attractive. He handled it wrong, I agree, but realistically physical attraction is important in a relationship. He lied about not caring to get you to send a full picture. I'd delete him on FB and move on.
I agree, but I don't think I want to delete him on Facebook. I am going to move on, and I'm sure I will stop what he caring what he thinks soon, but I do want him to see thinner pictures that I put up in the near future. Like I said earlier, the idea of that has actually been motivating me to push harder to lose weight, and if that is what really works, I would like to stick with that. Also, not in an obsessive angry way, but I do think that guys who are shallow need to be taught a lesson. It'll be for their own good eventually anyway.
Crazygurl1211 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply
Posts by members, moderators and admins are not considered medical advice
and no guarantee is made against accuracy.


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 11:00 PM.






Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.6.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.3.2