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Ever give a "friendzoned" boy a chance? VENT!

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Old 02-07-2014, 09:13 PM   #1
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Default Ever give a "friendzoned" boy a chance? VENT!

This might be long but I need an outside perspective.

I've been currently on/off with my currently ex boyfriend since the past year. He is 36 now and I am 21, we've been together for 2 years. His bad qualities are BAD. He'll "Joke" and say hurtful things and say i'm just twisting things around. He'll curse at me, He made me put my guinea pig upstairs in a cold room all alone because he didn't like him, he also made me do that with my tarantulas and several died due to the cold. He won't take me out or hang out with me unless it's on HIS schedule because my jobs don't matter.

So months ago he agreed I could get a kitten while he was out of town but the moment he came back he threw it around and started cursing at it and trying to scare it. He also had a obese kennel-outside-kennel lab that was untrained and I asked him to not introduce them without me there in cause of an accident, which he did anyway. It was the last straw and I moved an hour away to live with my aunt to get away from the bullshit. Since then I think we've split and got together 3 times due to lack of effort and him being rude.

When I'm mad and try to leave he begins raising his voice and restraining me to the wall or bed to try and hear him out or stand in front of the door and wont move. When we're doing ok he feels entitled to my body and often tries to get sexual and grab at me or try pulling at my clothes..

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This other boy (28 now) I met around the same time I made it official with my boyfriend. This said boy is like a brother to me...but moreso. He treats me like a woman and builds me up when my boyfriend brings me down. He revealed he has feelings for me a while ago which I already figured, and he's remained faithfully my "friend" respecting the boundaries and helping me through hard times. He helped me move, stayed out with me all night while I was upset, woke up at midnight to hear me cry. He's been like my rock, i've been concerned that he'd feel I was using him but he claims he does nothing unless he sincerely wants to do it.

The more I hang out with him, the more stuff I realize we have in common. We have the EXACT same complex spiritual views, we both love animals -tarantulas too!-, we like the same shows, games, hobbies. He'll take me out on adventures, road trips. My parents LOVE HIM, he's always talking to them and trying to help out. I feel like lately he's everything i've been missing out on. I get along with his friends, he with mine. The only thing is that, I feel no spark. I'm not sure if it's his appearance, and I know thats shallow because he is working on it every single day... I just cannot picture any intimacy whatsoever.
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My boyfriend is opposite. He works, comes home, gyms, and goes to sleep. Even after I've driven a long hour+ to come see him for the week. We watch HIS shows and eat when HE is ready (sometimes at 8-9pm...ugh!). Every time we break up he says he'll change. He doesn't. He's trying to dictate what I do, wear, and hang out with in public. He HATES my buddy. He hasn't met him. I've invited him SEVERAL times throughout our relationship to meet him. He won't and tries to make me feel guilty for having fun and he won't be apart of it because "He works and he's tired" and "Maybe he should be a jobless fat f*** like my friend so he can see me more". It was like pulling teeth to get him to even MEET my mom and dad. His mom doesn't even know I moved!

As of now we aren't talking and I have him blocked on social media and my phone, that restraining event actually happened yesterday night after he lied and said he was going to the gym so I hung out with my friend longer, only to have my boyfriend-thing say he was lying and pissed I was an hour late...

I'm afraid if I give things a shot with my friend, it won't work out and i'll ruin the friendship. I feel like me not feeling attracted is getting in the way... but he's an awesome guy and he's lost so much weight already and wants to get his teeth done... I feel shallow!!! I feel like I shouldn't be dwelling on that **** when he's such an amazing guy.

I mean technically I wouldn't be jumping into a new relationship so soon, but I imagine we'll be hanging out a lot... I need outside input.
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Old 02-07-2014, 09:44 PM   #2
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Your boyfriend is abusive. Please keep yourself safe and end things with him. Your friend seems like a really good guy, take a chance on him, but give yourself time to be alone for awhile first. You'll get through this.
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Old 02-07-2014, 10:24 PM   #3
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Your boyfriend is abusive and not good for you.

I gave a "friendzoned" guy a chance and 10 years later we are getting married in a few months.

Relationships should make you feel good, if you are with the right person it shouldn't be a constant battle. Whether you give your friend a chance or not you need to break it off for good with your boyfriend.
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Old 02-08-2014, 01:06 PM   #4
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Totally agreed about the abusive boyfriend. He has all the classic signs of a controlling, abusive guy. He tries to dictate who you see, what you wear, he tries to take away everything that makes you happy (your friend, pets, ect), and he's even gotten physical with you a few times. DON'T wait for it to get worse. Just move on fully. A real man wouldn't kill or hurt your pets.

As for the friend, that's all up to you. I think there's nothing wrong with giving a friend-zoned guy a chance. But if you aren't physically attracted to him then it will be hard. I would suggest you break it off fully with the other guy, give yourself some time to heal and get over him, and then see how your feelings are towards your friend. Without a dark cloud hanging over you there might be something there. If not, well that's life. Don't try to start something there just because you feel guilty though. Just because he has feelings doesn't mean you will. He does sound like a great guy though.
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Old 02-08-2014, 01:17 PM   #5
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I agree with everyone else that your boyfriend is abusive and that relationship needs to end ASAP. You should really consider time by yourself, without a boyfriend type relationship to give you time to heal and get your head together. Some women, feeling they can't be without a relationship, immediately jump into a new relationship once they break another one off. Not a good idea for you. Consider enjoying your friendship and feel absolutely no pressure for anything else right now.
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Old 02-08-2014, 11:14 PM   #6
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I agree with everyone else about your boyfriend, you've got to get out of that relationship.

As for the other guy, try it. My husband was originally my friend and I never even thought that starting something serious with him may ruin our friendship. You have to give it a try. I know I've never been happier. You may want to take some time for yourself first though. Let your friend know you've developed feeling for him but you need some time to process your current relationship. If he's willing to wait for you he's worth it.
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Old 02-10-2014, 12:33 PM   #7
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Do you have somewhere safe to stay once you leave your boyfriend? Your aunt?

I'm sorry but anyone who is abusive to kittens deserves to choke on their next meal and die alone
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Old 02-10-2014, 01:48 PM   #8
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Turn the other way and don't go back to your boyfriend. You're putting yourself and your animals in danger. He can say he'll change. He'll say that every single time to get you to go back to him. It's not worth the risk.

Go have fun with this other guy. He sounds much more sweet and supportive. Life is WAY too short. You don't want to look back and regret these years. Change it. Make yourself happy!
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Old 02-10-2014, 03:34 PM   #9
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I have only one word for you about your boyfriend: RUN! Get out as soon as possible. He sounds dangerous.

Don't feel that you have to choose one or the other. You will know what feels right for you.

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
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Old 02-10-2014, 04:25 PM   #10
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If your on-again-off-again "boyfriend" were the only man in the world, you should still stay as far away from him as possible.

I consider my husband of thirty years my best friend. I cannot imagine remaining married that long to someone who was not supportive and compatible.

I don't know if you can make it work with someone you don't find attractive. But attraction does not need to be physical. I'm attracted, at least in part, to intellect and personality.

Please stay safe!
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Old 02-10-2014, 06:16 PM   #11
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Your ex boyfriend sounds like a terrible person. Honestly, he's just mean. Run. And I say this next part with kindness and compassion: you don't have to have a boyfriend. It is ok to be by yourself. You sound like you have a lot going on within yourself as far as learning your own boundaries and such. And if you do have a boyfriend, you don't have to jump into living with him. It is much easier to break up if you don't also have to move out.

As to the friend - if you're not attracted to him and you know him pretty well, you probably won't become attracted to him. What does "giving him a chance" even entail if he's already kind, supportive, there for you, taking you on adventures (dates), etc? IMO, I would distance myself from this friend in order to let HIM move on. It's not kind to string someone along, even if you really, truly are not trying to. It is ok if he's a great guy, just not for you. That doesn't make you a bad person.
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Old 02-11-2014, 12:30 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TheSecondHalf View Post
Your ex boyfriend sounds like a terrible person. Honestly, he's just mean. Run. And I say this next part with kindness and compassion: you don't have to have a boyfriend. It is ok to be by yourself. You sound like you have a lot going on within yourself as far as learning your own boundaries and such. And if you do have a boyfriend, you don't have to jump into living with him. It is much easier to break up if you don't also have to move out.

As to the friend - if you're not attracted to him and you know him pretty well, you probably won't become attracted to him. What does "giving him a chance" even entail if he's already kind, supportive, there for you, taking you on adventures (dates), etc? IMO, I would distance myself from this friend in order to let HIM move on. It's not kind to string someone along, even if you really, truly are not trying to. It is ok if he's a great guy, just not for you. That doesn't make you a bad person.
I don't have to have one, I'm not co-dependent at all. I'm just entertaining the idea.

And We have talked about this and as far as he knows, we're JUST friends. He claims he doesn't do anything he doesn't want to do and doesn't expect anything from it.
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Old 02-11-2014, 02:24 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by krampus View Post
Do you have somewhere safe to stay once you leave your boyfriend? Your aunt?

I'm sorry but anyone who is abusive to kittens deserves to choke on their next meal and die alone
I COULDN'T AGREE MORE. Sorry but a lot of serial killers start out that way, i was afraid to read the rest of her post when she started talking about animal abuse.

End that relationship even if you have to get a no contact court order. As far as the friend, keep him as a friend and treasure him while you get your life sorted out
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Old 02-14-2014, 02:09 PM   #14
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I agree to cut off contact with the abusive ex. But be cautious, the most dangerous time is when leaving an abusive ex. This is when the majority of the killings and hospitalizations happen. DO NOT meet up with him alone for ANY reason. If he shows up somewhere you are unexpectedly make sure others are around and get to a well lit and populated area etc.
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Old 02-14-2014, 03:52 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pnkrckpixikat View Post
I agree to cut off contact with the abusive ex. But be cautious, the most dangerous time is when leaving an abusive ex. This is when the majority of the killings and hospitalizations happen. DO NOT meet up with him alone for ANY reason. If he shows up somewhere you are unexpectedly make sure others are around and get to a well lit and populated area etc.
Oh geez. That just sent a cold chill down my spine. O_o Good advice though.
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