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Old 12-28-2013, 11:29 AM   #1
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Default Family/Friends are complaining..

About us deciding to have a destination wedding in the Caribbean. I feel it will be nice to have the ceremony and honeymoon/vacation all in one. I haven't been on a vacation since 1995!

We're both older and this will be our second marriage. We both did the church/reception thing the first time (I didn't get a honeymoon) and talked many times in the past years about how if we did it again we're eloping. We've both never been big traditional wedding people but first time around wanted to make others happy. We're NOT doing that again.

Truthfully I didn't think anyone would really care but now there's several people complaining and others deciding that they are going to make it there if they have to sell their first born son. I told them to save their money but I guess they're looking at it as a chance to vacation too. So if they come, great. If people can't afford it I completely understand. Everyone is welcome to be there if they can. We expect nothing, not even gifts. Nada.

I'm happy with our decision but I'm tired of every single person saying "What!? Why!? You can't do that!!" when I tell them we're having a destination wedding. Sheesh, people. This is about us, no??

My Mother is gone who is the most important person to me besides my son. With her out of the equation I don't really care for other's input. I didn't tell my Dad yet, he's a total pessimist about marriage in general so I will save myself the negativity speech for another day.

I always felt weddings we're a hassle...I thought I was unintentionally doing them all a favor.

I guess I should feel loved and cared about that so many want to come but I was expecting a little more support.

Thoughts??
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Old 12-28-2013, 11:37 AM   #2
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I love weddings. I love being there as two people exchange their vows. It makes me think about my own vows and it makes me part of the commitment to support them as a couple.

Given that, I really don't like destination weddings. It would basically mean that to be there with my friends, I'd give up a choice of vacation and would only be able to attend their wedding that year--it would make attending other weddings very hard, since the money and time involved in traveling would be so great.

I understand wanting a honeymoon. And I understand wanting a destination wedding. But you shouldn't be surprised that people are balking at choosing between spending $2-4k to attend your wedding and not being there with you at that special magical time.

(2-4k? Well, $500 [or more] for airfare * 2, $500 for a hotel for 4-5 nights, spending money, anything fun they do while down there, food--I don't see how it'd be possible for a couple to do it for under $2k)

That's a lot to expect even a sibling to spend to travel to your wedding.

I'm not saying you can't do it, but what I hear when a couple plans a destination wedding is "The bridal couple doesn't care if I'm there."

Best to you and congratulations on your upcoming marriage.
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Old 12-28-2013, 11:54 AM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bethFromDayton View Post
That's a lot to expect even a sibling to spend to travel to your wedding.

I'm not saying you can't do it, but what I hear when a couple plans a destination wedding is "The bridal couple doesn't care if I'm there."

Best to you and congratulations on your upcoming marriage.
Thanks.

We certainly don't expect anyone to be able to to afford it, and don't expect anyone to be there except my son. I guess I'm biased since I (and my siblings) don't "love" weddings. If my closest friends decided to elope I honestly wouldn't be upset.

I guess it's all relative.

It's not that we "don't care" about them not being there, it's that we are doing what WE want this time around. It's about us. I guess that makes us a little selfish but I have lived my life to make other people happy for as long as I can remember.

Edited to add: My brothers have zero care about attending, it's my Aunt and 2 friends that are harping.
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Old 12-28-2013, 12:11 PM   #4
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I always loved the idea of a destination wedding. Several of my friends had them. One of my friends actually had a live stream going on a site she had set up for friends and family who couldn't come. Then they had a party once they got back.

This is YOUR wedding. It shouldn't be about anyone else. If they are upset about it, then that is their issue. Don't change it for that. They'll get over it, but if you didn't do it, you are the one who will live with that regret. Much luck to you
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Old 12-28-2013, 01:01 PM   #5
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I hate weddings and honestly would love the excuse to not go - and on the flip side, if you were getting married somewhere I wanted to go, I'd love the excuse to go on vacation!
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Old 12-28-2013, 01:17 PM   #6
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I think it's totally understandable for adults who have been married before and who have been together for a while to just run off and get married. Maybe you can stop discussing it and just go on vacation...and get married while you're there.

Congratulations and best wishes!
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Old 12-28-2013, 01:19 PM   #7
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Ditto Merilung! Vegas wedding = pass. St. John on the beach, you betcha. I have also always bent over backward to make other people happy, and it definitely ruffles feathers when you mess with expectations.

Still, I can appreciate Beth's desire to be at weddings, and here's a possibility to consider. Have the wedding professionally videotaped, and invite the aunt and company over to watch after you get back. You'll find out really quick if she actually wanted to be there, or if she wanted to find out how much influence she still has over your decisions.
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Old 12-28-2013, 02:27 PM   #8
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You've already got a lot of good suggestions- videotaping or live-streaming/skype sort of thing for whoever cannot come.

Definitely do what you and your hubby-to-be want. I recently learned that I cannot always please everybody and sometimes it's OK to be selfish.

Congratulations!!!
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Old 12-28-2013, 03:46 PM   #9
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It's your wedding, your day, your decision. You don't owe anyone an explanation of why you're doing it this way and for those people who are complaining now they'll be complaining no matter where you decide to have it. You made it clear that if someone can't make it that you don't hold it against them and so what's the big deal?

Bethfromdayton says "That's a lot to expect even a sibling to spend to travel to your wedding. I'm not saying you can't do it, but what I hear when a couple plans a destination wedding is "The bridal couple doesn't care if I'm there.""

And I say, exactly. Maybe the bride does NOT care if you're there and that's OK!!!! Because... and wait for it.... it's not about you, or anyone else for that matter. It's just a wedding, it's about the couple.
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Old 12-28-2013, 04:49 PM   #10
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I think destinations weddings are fine, but allowing for or planning a small 'reception' when you return is a nice idea, so that friends and family can celebrate with you a bit, too. I had my wedding where I lived (Juneau) instead of my hometown (San Diego) and we planned it this way - it was such a blessing to spend a lunch with my friends and family who couldn't fly all the way to Alaska, and I know it meant a great deal to the family members who (unlike me) love weddings. It was pretty casual - pot luck, cupcakes, and lots of chatting. But it scratched the itch for my California people who were mad that I didn't make my groom's entire family fly down to have a ceremony there
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Old 12-28-2013, 04:55 PM   #11
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My husband and I - after living together for many years - made the decision on Sunday to get married. We had the ceremony that Thursday in the courthouse where I work by the Judge that I work for. My mother and brother were there and some work friends and that's it.

My wedding, my effing choice.

Afterwards we sent out an announcement that we had gotten married (this was in March) and that we would be having a party in the summer.

We did have a casual outdoor party/reception in July and invited everyone - most people showed and we had an awesome time. Everyone wore shorts and t-shirts and it was just like a summer party although we did cut a wedding cake that a friend made for me.

Maybe you could have a casual reception some time later for people that can't make it?

Jen
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Old 12-28-2013, 05:54 PM   #12
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It truly does not matter what you decide, someone will complain. Do what you want. As long as you don't have any expectations of anyone else, you're good.
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Old 12-28-2013, 06:21 PM   #13
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I lost my mom too and do not think i could do a large wedding with out her. Im not getting married but something i thought on recently when discussing a friends plans. Though im really shy and when center of attention tend to want to hide in corners which could be awkward, but my mom would enjoy every moment.
I think it also seems like a nice way for you, your son, and husband to make some great memories together. If you feel the need a little party could be nice. Just something easy and laid back. You could flip the reception and have a bon voyage party so everyone can send you off with good wishes.
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Old 12-28-2013, 08:54 PM   #14
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Thanks for all the input. I'm definitely sticking to my guns on a destination wedding and we can consider a small (very casual) get together like some of you suggested, and/or video.

I wasn't looking for validation I just needed to vent a bit. I really hate unsolicited advice, especially about weddings or how to raise your children. I feel that's too personal.

I had one friend dictating her sister's wedding to the point that I told her to knock it off. She was having a fit about the bridesmaid dress and was worried how SHE would look in the photos. Are you effing serious?? I told her it's not your wedding!! People need to get a grip.

I will announce the plans when they're set in stone. If people can't make it we are 100% understanding about that. We have no expectations for anyone to pay thousands to come see us..that would be insane if we did. I'm definitely no Bridezilla.

This one day will be for us, as it should be.
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Old 12-28-2013, 09:00 PM   #15
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I have a different view about weddings, because I don't think they're all about the bridal couple. (Yes, I know not everyone agrees with me, and that's okay.)

I think of witnessing the exchange of vows as a community thing--when DH and I married 7 years ago, we wanted to share our vows with those people who care about us and want to support us as a couple and be a part of our larger community. Of course, many of our friends and family members had to travel--even if our destination was "where we live".

Personally, I don't care for the "we'll get married privately but then have a party for people to come and give us gifts later" model. I don't really understand the draw of it.

Now, just because I want it doesn't mean couples need to do things my way :-). Every couple makes their own choices and I would never say what I've just said here--and certainly not as bluntly--to friends who have made a decision. In this case, novangel asked.

For what it's worth, though, I do understand having a small private wedding--just not the throwing a reception later to invite people you didn't want to be there for the Real Thing.

(I bet you can tell I don't like wedding re-enactments when the couple is already married but now wants a "real wedding".

But as I said, that's my take--other people have different views--and will make the decisions that feel best to them.
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