[novangel]

Originally Posted by bethFromDayton

For what it's worth, though, I do understand having a small private wedding--just not the throwing a reception later to invite people you didn't want to be there for the Real Thing.

You're taking it to a personal level. It's not that I don't want them there, I/we decided we want the ceremony in the Caribbean years ago and we don't expect them to pay to attend. They will get over it. If we have it here (which is not what we want) we will regret it.

[kaplods]

I understand wanting a destination wedding, but I also understand being hurt by a friend or loved one's choice of a destination wedding.

When I've been invited to destination weddings (which I couldn't hope to afford), it didn't just feel like they wouldn't expect me there, but that they wouldn't miss me, didn't want me there, or wanted me to move heaven and earth to be there to prove my loyalty.

The invitation felt like "if you love us, you'll find a way to be there," or worse, "we won't miss you, but don't forget to send us a gift."

My husband and I initially considered a destination wedding, but changed our mind when our families objected (which reminded me how I had felt when invited to a destination wedding I had no hope of affording).

Choose whatever is most important to you, but realize that some people will feel hurt, dissapointed, and disrespected, and they aren't wrong either.

You're not responsible for their feelings, expectations, or reaction to the wedding location; but likewise, they're not responsible for your feelings, expectations or response to their reaction...

You're entitled to the wedding of your choosing, and your friends and family are entitled to their feelings, whatever they are.

[mygirlvj]

At the end of the day ... it's your wedding.... your special day. Do what makes you guys happy. Invite everyone. If they can make it, great... if not, too bad. Maybe you can have a small intimate party to celebrate with those closest (complainers) too you when you get home.

Whatever you decide I hope it's what makes you and your soon to be husband the happiest. Congratulations!!

[Palestrina]

Originally Posted by bethFromDayton

I have a different view about weddings, because I don't think they're all about the bridal couple. (Yes, I know not everyone agrees with me, and that's okay.)

I think of witnessing the exchange of vows as a community thing--when DH and I married 7 years ago, we wanted to share our vows with those people who care about us and want to support us as a couple and be a part of our larger community. Of course, many of our friends and family members had to travel--even if our destination was "where we live".

Personally, I don't care for the "we'll get married privately but then have a party for people to come and give us gifts later" model. I don't really understand the draw of it.

Now, just because I want it doesn't mean couples need to do things my way :-). Every couple makes their own choices and I would never say what I've just said here--and certainly not as bluntly--to friends who have made a decision. In this case, novangel asked.

For what it's worth, though, I do understand having a small private wedding--just not the throwing a reception later to invite people you didn't want to be there for the Real Thing.

(I bet you can tell I don't like wedding re-enactments when the couple is already married but now wants a "real wedding".

But as I said, that's my take--other people have different views--and will make the decisions that feel best to them.

It's a simple fact that a marriage is between 2 people. Whether or not other people are in attendance of that is irrelevant. The amount of money and time and energy wasted on lavish events shouldn't be a factor, especially if the OP feels like this is her second time around, has already done the big-to-do-wedding to please other people, and wants to do things in a way that will satisfy her this time. It just goes to show you that you think weddings are about selfishness and about receiving presents. I've attended lots of weddings where people request no presents, the OP might be deciding something similar. People throw themselves parties all the time, just because it's a delayed event doesn't mean they need to feel shamed for not inviting someone to "the real thing." The only real thing here is the committment 2 people make to eachother, and if others want to celebrate with the couple on the couples' terms then they should do so without reservation and without judgement. In fact, a wedding doesn't have to be much more than a drive down to city hall, signing a contract and getting a stamp on a piece of paper. Anything beyond that is a celebration that is to be or not to be shared at the couples' discretion. Everybody gets to do their own wedding their own way, other people's weddings are their own business and should be treated as a completely reverent event as it pertains to the couple. Personal judgements and expectations will always lead to disappointment.

[TheSecondHalf]

I had one friend dictating her sister's wedding to the point that I told her to knock it off. She was having a fit about the bridesmaid dress and was worried how SHE would look in the photos. Are you effing serious?? I told her it's not your wedding!! People need to get a grip.

Having shelled out for quite a few bridesmaid and now flower girl (I have a 7 year old) dresses (and hair and makeup and shoes and showers and gifts...), I don't think it's too much to ask not to hate the dress you're paying for (and the subsequent several hundred that come after that).

There's a happy midpoint between bridezilla and guestzilla. It's not hard to find.

And I guess I'm just not that "offended" by people not arranging their whole wedding so that I can be there, or rearranging their lives to attend mine. My best friend couldn't be in mine, and I had to work for hers. Fifteen years on, still best friends. One of my brothers had a destination wedding and we couldn't make it. My brother-in-law and his family couldn't make it to our wedding. We live in different countries. It was a tough trip to make with two small children. No hard feelings. Life goes on.

[Palestrina]

Originally Posted by TheSecondHalf

Having shelled out for quite a few bridesmaid and now flower girl (I have a 7 year old) dresses (and hair and makeup and shoes and showers and gifts...), I don't think it's too much to ask not to hate the dress you're paying for (and the subsequent several hundred that come after that).

There's a happy midpoint between bridezilla and guestzilla. It's not hard to find.

And I guess I'm just not that "offended" by people not arranging their whole wedding so that I can be there, or rearranging their lives to attend mine. My best friend couldn't be in mine, and I had to work for hers. Fifteen years on, still best friends. One of my brothers had a destination wedding and we couldn't make it. My brother-in-law and his family couldn't make it to our wedding. We live in different countries. It was a tough trip to make with two small children. No hard feelings. Life goes on.

The bridesmaid dress is a toughie for sure. Because you are after all paying for your own dress. It'd be different if this is a dress the bride buys for you, then you've got nothing to complain about. But taking part in a wedding is very costly and it requires a lot of time and energy as well.

My former ex BFF from high school and I are no longer friends because of her wedding. At the time I was a poor college student and had to travel back home to attend the wedding, I was the only out of towner and I was the maid of honor. So I had to go back and forth to attend dress fittings, bachelorette parties, throw a bridal shower, etc. I was living on canned tuna and ramen noodles quite literally and the traveling was wearing me and my wallet down.
I didn't complain about the ugly dress (and it was really really ugly, lavender chiffon with a gray bodice made of crushed velvet!) and the bride had suggested that we could wear whatever silver colored shoes we chose which was perfect because I had a pair of strappy heels that worked.

I arrived the day of the wedding and was promptly given a pair of unwearable slip ons that the bride "fell in love with and just had to buy for the whole bridal party!" and of course was given the $27 receipt as well. Of course this was upsetting and I might have complained a bit. I was informed (1 hour before the wedding) that I was relieved of my maid of honor duties and that Christine would now be the MOH because "she was there for the bride the whole time and I was absent and unavailable to really BE THERE for the bride." That was a blow but ok whatever, this is her day and I'm here to be supportive. She is my best friend at the end of the day.

After the wedding she would never answer her phone anymore, totally cut me off. I received a letter from her saying that my dress was wrinkled and that I ruined all the pictures of her wedding. (the dresses were stacked in the limo on the way to the ceremony, mine was on the bottom of a stack of 8, there were no steamers there so nothing I could've done about that). I tried contacting her over and over again and one day her husband picked up the phone and said "since you ruined our wedding my wife never wants to speak to you again." And that was that, 15yrs later we reconnected on facebook but we really don't speak at all, sometimes we "like" each others pictures but it's never gone further than that.

Sorry for the rant, weddings can be so stressful lol.

[bethFromDayton]

Originally Posted by Wannabeskinny

It just goes to show you that you think weddings are about selfishness and about receiving presents.

I feel a little obligated to defend myself here--I think weddings are about a community level of support to a couple embarking on their commitment together. As for presents, at our wedding 7.5 years ago, we didn't register anywhere and whenever anyone asked, we said that all we wanted was the gift of their presence--that we appreciated them being there for us. (And when BFF asked, I didn't want a bridal shower.)

I know that I feel a special bond with our friends who were there with us when we married, and a special bond with couples who invited us to share their marriage vows. If that's selfishness, though, I'll own it.

This has nothing to do with the size or expense or fanciness of the wedding. Most of the weddings I've been to in the last 10 years (including my own) have been done on a budget.

Everybody gets to do their own wedding their own way, other people's weddings are their own business and should be treated as a completely reverent event as it pertains to the couple.

I agree--everyone gets to do their wedding their way. The OP asked for "Thoughts?" and I've shared mine.

[novangel]

Originally Posted by bethFromDayton

I think weddings are about a community level of support to a couple embarking on their commitment together.

This is where we differ. You're certainly entitled to feel marriage is a community thing, I just don't feel the same. Probably because when my first marriage imploded crickets were chirping.

I've attended lots of weddings where people request no presents, the OP might be deciding something similar.

We definitely don't want or expect presents and will make that known. BTW, you ex-BFF is a horrible person. Kudos for even accepting her FR, I would've blocked her.

[Palestrina]

Originally Posted by bethFromDayton

I feel a little obligated to defend myself here--I think weddings are about a community level of support to a couple embarking on their commitment together. As for presents, at our wedding 7.5 years ago, we didn't register anywhere and whenever anyone asked, we said that all we wanted was the gift of their presence--that we appreciated them being there for us. (And when BFF asked, I didn't want a bridal shower.)

I know that I feel a special bond with our friends who were there with us when we married, and a special bond with couples who invited us to share their marriage vows. If that's selfishness, though, I'll own it.

This has nothing to do with the size or expense or fanciness of the wedding. Most of the weddings I've been to in the last 10 years (including my own) have been done on a budget.



I agree--everyone gets to do their wedding their way. The OP asked for "Thoughts?" and I've shared mine.

Oops, sorry I did not mean to imply that YOU assume that weddings are about presents, I was typing that before my first sip of coffee yesterday I meant that many people see their weddings as a way to receive presents. I can certainly understand the allure of gifts whether they be monetary or household items.

[Palestrina]

Originally Posted by novangel

This is where we differ. You're certainly entitled to feel marriage is a community thing, I just don't feel the same. Probably because when my first marriage imploded crickets were chirping.




We definitely don't want or expect presents and will make that known. BTW, you ex-BFF is a horrible person. Kudos for even accepting her FR, I would've blocked her.

Well said novangel. When I was younger I listened far too much to other people's opinions, made people feel included and was generally a giver. But you are so right, whenever things have gone wrong there are far less people around than there were during the good times. We all learn that the hard way over the years. A community is as a community does and I'm willing to bet that bethfromDayton probably has a loving and wonderful community around her. Maybe she really gets along with her inlaws, maybe her cousins have all been by her side at celebrations and times of need, maybe her siblings have rallied around her when she's in turmoil, maybe her friends have never abandoned her when she's not feeling her best. This is the sort of community that I WOULD like to have around. Unfortunately for me I've been disappointed time and time again and as I grow older I'm less and less willing to extend olive branches and be inclusive to people that don't contribute much to my happiness.

I have another friend, not a close friend but someone I've known for 2 decades that I occassionally hang out with still. She told me that she hasn't spoken to her mother in 2yrs. My initial reaction to that is to think it's awful, and to wonder how a person can go 2yrs without speaking to their mother. She doesn't visit her, she doesn't pick up the phone when she calls, she doesn't send her a holiday card, etc. Now she hasn't gone into detail about what happened but I'm willing to guess that they probably got into a big fight right? If I were a bit younger I'd probably judge my friend for not doing everything in her power to nurture this very important relationship in her life, but being a little older, wiser and having witnessed things in my life I couldn't imagine now I'm a little more open minded and think to myself that a person who can shun their mother must have a very complicated and strong reason for doing so and that is not to be taken lightly. I think it takes a lot to make such a move. Sorry for my rattling, but I strongly agree that life is short, we need to do not only what makes us happy, but we need to make some difficult choices sometimes that ensure we will not get hurt.

Oh, and about my BFF - I only told my side of the story. I'm willing to bet that I was in the wrong somehow, that I probably wasn't there for her the way I should've been etc. But the problem is that she's never spoken to me since so I don't know specifically what she is upset with me about other than the wrinkled dress and the fact that I lived in another state and didn't have much money. I'm sure we could've worked it out if she was willing to at least talk to me. I wasn't trying to paint myself as a victim, it's just that I only have my side of the story and can't imagine what her side is.

[novangel]

Originally Posted by Wannabeskinny

Well said novangel. When I was younger I listened far too much to other people's opinions, made people feel included and was generally a giver. But you are so right, whenever things have gone wrong there are far less people around than there were during the good times. We all learn that the hard way over the years. A community is as a community does and I'm willing to bet that bethfromDayton probably has a loving and wonderful community around her. Maybe she really gets along with her inlaws, maybe her cousins have all been by her side at celebrations and times of need, maybe her siblings have rallied around her when she's in turmoil, maybe her friends have never abandoned her when she's not feeling her best. This is the sort of community that I WOULD like to have around. Unfortunately for me I've been disappointed time and time again and as I grow older I'm less and less willing to extend olive branches and be inclusive to people that don't contribute much to my happiness.

This is my thought too. She must have a really solid group of family/friends which is wonderful. I wish I could say the same. My aunt and one friend that wants to go are very nice people but 2 aren't enough to make me change wedding plans. My family is practically nonexistent. It is what it is though.

[bethFromDayton]

I am fortunate to have a wonderful community of friends and a typical mix of close and not so close family members--that does influence my feelings about weddings.

I also admit to being somewhat of an idealist and quite sentimental.

Novangel, I do hope your wedding is what you want--and just the beginning of a lifetime of happiness.

[novangel]

Thanks everyone.

I have another question.. Since I don't expect anyone to be able to come do I still send out invites?? I don't want to NOT invite people but I don't want to put any pressure by sending invitations either. How should I go about this?

I think my step Dad plans on coming (spoke to him on the phone) so I don't want to piss anyone off by thinking I invited him and not anyone else.

This is very casual so maybe a mass email to immediate family and close friends? I know a lot of people frown about using Facebook. I feel mailing invitations will send a message that I'm expecting people to show up.

FML I should've just eloped and said nothing.

[Palestrina]

Whatever you decided to do just know that you will pi$$ someone off one way or the other. I don't see any problem with sending out a mass email announcing the wedding as happy news. Add a note that says something like "though we are not accepting any gifts nor burdening anyone to make the long travels, those that wish to join us on our wedding day are more than welcome to join us! "

[novangel]

Originally Posted by Wannabeskinny

Whatever you decided to do just know that you will pi$$ someone off one way or the other. I don't see any problem with sending out a mass email announcing the wedding as happy news. Add a note that says something like "though we are not accepting any gifts nor burdening anyone to make the long travels, those that wish to join us on our wedding day are more than welcome to join us! "

That's perfect wording! Thank you!

I was also thinking about maybe saying in lieu of gifts please donate to thyroid cancer research in my Mother's name at Mayo Clinic in Rochester MN. Also being optional of course...or is that too morbid?