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Funeral

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Old 11-09-2013, 08:23 PM   #1
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Default Funeral

I will make this as short as possible.

My "friend"/ex boyfriend died on Tuesday from an overdose. It's a call I have been expecting from his Mom for a long time but I still cried. I have known him since we were teens (I'm now 39) and have kept somewhat in contact, mostly by text within the last 6 years. His lifestyle was out of control so it was best to keep him at a distance. I tried to cut him off completely but he always found a way to stick around in one way or another even if it was against my wishes. That's just the way he was...A bit of a sociopath. Also his Mother begged me to check up on him once in a while so I did.

He is someone 13 years ago I was so in love with I would've jumped off a bridge if he asked me to. We dated twice, both times ended with my heart broken into a thousand pieces. I have never felt heart break like that. I mean laying in bed all day depression. But that was then..

I already have PTSD from my Mother's death and I don't think I can handle seeing him like that. I don't want the memory. I would have to take off work and drive alone over an hour and a half there and back.

Today I sent his Mom a sympathy card with some photos I have of her son. It's the least I can do. I feel guilt for not going but anger that he put everyone including his 2 young kids through this. He's had so many opportunities to get help it's ridiculous.

I don't owe him anything but I did tell him I forgive him before he died which gives me some peace.
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Old 11-09-2013, 09:19 PM   #2
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Wow, I'm really sorry, novangel. How sad for him and for all of you who were a part of his life in some way. People and relationships are complicated, especially when substance abuse is involved so I can understand that you have a lot of feelings about his passing. I don't have any answers, but I hope you're able to find a way to process what you're going through. You have my sympathies.
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Old 11-09-2013, 11:24 PM   #3
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I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am to hear about all that you have been through, and how sad I feel for him, his family and everyone hurt from this.

It is so difficult to find a way to heal from all of that and I so admire you for telling him you forgive him. That is truly amazing. It sounds as though you did everything you could. I hope you can find comfort in that.

I am sending you big warm hugs.
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Old 11-10-2013, 12:23 AM   #4
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Thanks. I guess what I'm asking is should I feel guilt for not wishing to attend the funeral?
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Old 11-10-2013, 06:20 AM   #5
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I am very sorry for what you are going through.

Funerals aren't for everyone but if you think you would feel a cathartic release by going you should go. If you feel any guilt even it is guilt about not feeling guilty I would go. Living with any pent up emotions or guilt for the rest of your life isn't fair to you and most likely worth the drive.

If none of those apply to you and you just want to remember the good times and not the bad times than don't go. I couldn't go to my grandmother's funeral because of a variety of reasons but it didn't matter because we loved each other and had a great relationship. I didn't need the funeral. But sometimes when the relationship had a lot of hard times you need the funeral more.

Don't worry about anyone but you right now, think about what you feel now and what you think you will feel in the future. Which will you regret going or not going?

I am sorry again for your loss and I am glad that you were able to have the chance to forgive him, it shows that you are a strong person.
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Old 11-10-2013, 07:58 AM   #6
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I'm sorry for this loss, that's a long time to know and love someone and it's sad that his life ended in such a tragic way.

You don't have to feel guilt about not going to his funeral. Firstly because funerals are not for the person who died, but for the people who knew him. If you've made peace with him and that's enough for you then who's to judge? A good reason to go is to comfort his mother/kids/etc. Or to help you with closure. If you don't feel inclined for either of these then you shouldn't go.
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Old 11-10-2013, 01:29 PM   #7
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Hi Novangel

I am very sorry, this has to be very rough. I have lost at least three friends due to suicides, that is very tough. I have struggled with depression and related issues, it is very difficult.

He was lucky to know you and blessed that you were in his life. Try not to feel guilty if you don't go to the funeral, it is a personal decision.

Take care.
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Old 11-10-2013, 01:33 PM   #8
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I am very sorry to hear this. I would advise you to go. I think you will feel better and as wannabe skinny said...his mother will be happy/glad to see you. She obviously thought highly of you because she asked you to keep an eye on him. She felt that you were someone stable in his life. I believe going will help you and mean a lot to his family as they struggle through this terrible time.
To answer your question about feeling guilty? ....do not feel guilty if you choose not go.

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Old 11-11-2013, 04:42 PM   #9
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I have been through a very similar situation. I think I understand what you are going through. You had been expecting this (so did I) and I am guessing you have already said your goodbyes to this person and made your peace. I had. I didn't get the chance to attend the funeral. In retrospect, I believe that was a good thing. I attended a memorial 40 days later and it was hard as ****. Had I been alone, it would have been worse.
As for feeling guilty, don't.
The definition of guilt - a bad feeling caused by knowing or thinking that you have done something bad or wrong. Nothing like that applies to you. You are doing neither bad nor wrong.
My thoughts are with you.
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Old 11-12-2013, 07:05 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kitcherella View Post
I have been through a very similar situation. I think I understand what you are going through. You had been expecting this (so did I) and I am guessing you have already said your goodbyes to this person and made your peace. I had. I didn't get the chance to attend the funeral. In retrospect, I believe that was a good thing. I attended a memorial 40 days later and it was hard as ****. Had I been alone, it would have been worse.

As for feeling guilty, don't.
The definition of guilt - a bad feeling caused by knowing or thinking that you have done something bad or wrong. Nothing like that applies to you. You are doing neither bad nor wrong.
My thoughts are with you.
Yes, I made peace with him in the last few phone conversations. I feel that going to the funeral alone (I have nobody to go with me) would be too hard so I decided against it. My mental stability is at stake. I no longer feel heavy guilt because I've had almost a week to think about it. I think he would understand since he knew my issues with PTSD after my Mom died. I will try to just hang on to the good memories of our friendship and forget the bad things he did to me while under the influence. I don't want to see him that way, I'd rather remember him alive.

It's sad but it's a path he refused to stop walking. We all tried very hard for many years to help him. At least now he is free from his addiction that haunted him on a daily basis.

Thank you for the understanding post.
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