I know I don't post a lot on here and I hope everyone on here doesn't mind me having a moan, just need to get something off my chest and I don't where else to do it.
In August my mum as taken ill, she spent a few days in hospital than they sent her home but she has been going back for tests to find out what is wrong, we knew she had something there (a lump) that might have been cancer but whatever it was she was going to need surgery to remove it. Anyway, was told about a month ago it is cancer, she surgery just over 2 weeks ago to remove it. My mum will be needing chemo, not sure when that will start but it will be lasting for 6 months. So since August I have been really, really worried about my mum. I was so scare when she had her surgery because she has a heart problem that something could have gone wrong and she could have died (thank god the surgery did go well with no problems). Anyway, my mum is home now but is still recovering from her surgery – she can't do any heavy lifting or bending over, she has to take things easy and she can't drive for six weeks. So I've been doing everything at home which I do not mind one bit because I want my mum to get well again (I just wish there was more I could do for my mum). My first and top concern at the moment is my mum. I don't really care about what happens to me at the moment as long as my mum is OK. I haven't been really sleeping well so am tried most off the time (not that I mind because I have it easy because am not the one that had to have surgery and am not the one who is going to need chemo).
Anyway, what has really upset me me is my 'friend' – I've know her for a good few years and over the years I have been there for her, listened to her when her boyfriends have really messed her about, I've taken her place – shopping, work, doctors/hospital, etc. I've picked up shopping for her and dropped it off. I've gone out off my way to do things for her which I didn't have to. When it comes to ring her up its me that has to ring her up so she doesn't rung up her phone bill. And when it comes to seeing each other its me that has to go to hers, she doesn't come over to my – she is welcome too. Over the years I've not asked her for anything or very, very little. And since August with things happening with my mum I've not asked her for anything and she knows what is going on with my mum. I've been trying to deal with everything with what is happening to my mum and still be there for my friend and all her problems. The only thing is, is at the moment I might not have as much time to see her or to do stuff for her because am looking after my mum which I would like to think anyone would understand that and also my mind has been on my mum alot. At the start off the week she asked if I wanted to go over Friday, I said any day but Friday because my mum had a hospital appointment and I wanted to be there for my mum. Anyway, she than said that I don't want to see her, which isn't the case, I just don't have as much free time at the moment than I did before because am looking after my mum, like to think anyone would understand that. Tried to text my friend, she didn't reply, tried to ring her home and mobile phones, she didn't answer. The only reason she wanted me to go over Friday is because she got paid this week and she would have wanted me to take her shopping. Anyway, she has since put on facebook (which I know is about me) that 'she had enough of so called friends, making the effect with them for them to s*** on her and some people are using t***s' – I just feel that she really can't talk and is being two face, its me that has to go her place and see her, she is the one that is always asking to be taken places or for me to do something for her, even when my mum having tests I was still taking my friend shopping and doing stuff for her. I can not think off one thing I've asked off her since my mum has been ill. She has not once rang or offered to ring to speak to me and to see how I am. But than I have felt that since my mum been ill she does not care and is not intested. I guess I thought she would be abit more understand off things than what she has been but than its all about her.
I just don't know what to do about it because I do not need this at the moment. I know it will have to be me that gets in touch with her first as it always is. Should I get in touch with her or just leave it?
Anyway, I am so sorry for moaning and going on, hope some off you will be more understand than my 'friend'.
Weight lost so far: 6 stone & 0lbs (38.1kgs) (84lbs)
(25th January 2014)
Firstly, I'm sorry to hear about your mom, she's lucky to have you there for her. Please remember to take some time for yourself. Treat yourself to a mani-pedi or a facial or go see a movie just to get your mind off things. You need to be well rested and relaxed so that you can take good care of your mom and she knows that too.
About your friend.... she's not your friend now is she? You are her friend, you are hers to do with as she pleases. And right now it pleases her that you go over there and take her out shopping. No offense but, with friends like this who needs enemies? It is in times of need when you find out who your real friends are. Do not call her. Keep tabs on the BS she says on facebook and write it down. Also, write down your grievances of her. Seriously, make a list of the things that you wished she would have done but didn't. It will probably look like this.
1. I needed a friend to understand what a hard time I'd been having with my mother.
2. I needed a friend to call me and ask me if I'm ok.
3. I needed a friend to call me and ask me how my mother is doing.
4. I needed a friend to visit me since I wasn't able to go out.
5. I needed a friend to not ask me for something when I was busy with my mom.
6. I needed a friend to give me the space I needed to deal with my mother's illness.
7. I needed a friend to take ME out for a drink to get my mind off my mother's illness.
8. I needed a friend to not post passive agressive complaints about me on facebook.
And that's just a list I made up based on the few things you said about her. I'm sure there's loads of other things you're upset about. When and if she calls you, you have this list ready and you read it out loud to her. People need to know what they did wrong, it takes away their power of doing it again if it's all out in the open. Just simply state, I'm angry at you and this why....
For your own sanity I would also make a list of pros and cons about this person in your life. It makes it plain and clear to see if it's even worth your time. Based on what you've said, this person makes your life worse, not better and what's the point of that? I know it's a lot of writing but writing always helps me. It's hard to ignore the truth when it's in black and white iykwim.
"If you pay attention to when you are hungry, what your body wants, what you are eating, when you've had enough, you end the obsession because obsession and awareness cannot coexist." - Geneen Roth
Liz - My heart goes out to you with all you're going through, yet still trying to do so much for others. At first before you got into the meat of the post, I was thinking perhaps the friend was pulling away because she just felt in the way or didn't know what to do. On the complete contrary, she's not thinking at ALL about you and merely herself. As the above poster stated, you've been a great friend to her, but she's just been a taker in your relationship.
It's so tough to think that someone you thought you could count on isn't there for you when you need them. It's hard to let a relationship pass when it's not what you need in your life, especially at a time when you could really use the support/venting/help. But it sounds like you're starting to see her for what she is, and the facebook snarkiness would put me over the top. I hope you have other friends that are more true and that you can count on at this time and in the future, that you enjoy their company, and can relax and hang with.
I would let it slide and if/when she contacts you directly (not via facebook) if you want her in your life, set the parameters that you're willing to accept if you do want her in your life...if you've thought it out and think, "enough! This isn't supportive both ways like a true friendship" then let her know and move on, cultivating others as you go. It's TOUGH to lose someone who has been close for ages when you're struggling with things, I know. But sometimes the mental peace counts for a lot.
Best of luck in this situation and with your mum! Take care of you, both physically, emotionally and mentally.
Liz, you are going through a tremendous emotional upheaval right now in dealing with your mom. Your "friend" should be there to support you and provide assistance even if only in the form of emotional support. That isn't happening.
In terms of letting the friendship die out, only you can make that decision. All of us are in friendships for different reasons, and we stay in them because we get something out of the relationship. So, I would suggest asking yourself if you are getting out of the friendship what you need. You sound as though your happiness comes from taking care of or helping others. That's great -- we all get happiness from different sources, and people who get their's from giving of themselves are a gift. And it may be that you have to make the decision to just let things ride with this friend for right now and pick them up later. Just be prepared for the fact that when later comes, you may have no interest in reconnecting with this friend.
I hope your mother recovers from the cancer and that you are able to find some inner peace for yourself. And if you need support, please come to this site as it's a very caring group.
If she's ignoring you, I'd let it go for now. You have too much going on to worry about her nursing her self-absorbed feelings right now, yes? Maybe if she contacts you later and you're feeling up to it, you can prepare a little script to say to her. Something like, "Friend, I have a lot of stressful stuff going on in my life at the moment and really need the people around me to be 100% supportive of this. I need you to do X, Y, and Z for me right now, can you do that?" If so, great! Hopefully she gets her act together and becomes a better friend.
If your friend doesn't comply or decides to renege on the agreement, then I'd tell her that you can't (whatever she wants you to do, hang out or take her shopping) because of said stressful circumstances and that you have things to take care of. Nice catching up with you, gotta go, bye! You can't control her reactions so maybe she'll go smear passive aggressive remarks all over social mediadom and sulk to other people about how mean you are. She's making this all about her and it's not.
Take care of you. Take care of your mom. I promise you that your friend will take care of herself, she seems to be quite good at it! Best wishes to you and your mom during this stressful time, Liz.
__________________ "Smile, breathe and go slowly." - Thich Nhat Hanh
Goal Weight: Wherever healthy eating habits and exercise take me!
First off, I am very sorry to hear about your mom, things like that are rough. I agree with WannaBe, make sure to take some time for yourself when you can to avoid burning out.
With the so-called "friend," from what you say she isn't a friend to you at all. she is someone who has figured that they can get what they want or need out of you without having to go to the effort of being an actual friend.
Maybe this is incorrect, maybe you are getting other things out of the relationship that you didn't mention because this is your vent and as such could be one-sided. This is what you need to examine and decide. If it is one-sided, I would drop her and fast. delete her number delete her from Facebook and move on with your life cause these people tend to suck their "friends" dry and move on without much of a care and you don't need that in your life.
If you are getting something worthwhile out of the relationship, then reconnect. But don't feel pressured to do things on her time, reconnect when you feel you have the time and energy to do so. Either way, ignore the facebook posts. They are passive agressive and you are not at fault for that, it just shows her immaturity.
I'm so sorry about your mother! I'm sure that is extremely stressful.
And I concur with Wannabeskinny - it is absolutely okay to drop a friendship if it is becoming toxic or parasitic. People change, grow apart, and sometimes just aren't suited for one another at various stages of life. While I make it my personal quest to assume the best of everyone's intentions, regardless of what they say that might rub me wrong, there's also no point in torturing ourselves or being foolish, either. If this 'friend' is so difficult, it is wise and necessary to cut out that contact (at least for a season, while you deal with more important things). Some friends are for life, some are not. This one sounds like they are due for a polite but firm disconnect of contact, and if questioned about it I'd honestly explain your reasoning to them. No need to dance around the issue, but no need to inflame things either, right?
Big hugs, I'm so sorry things are insane and your mother is having a rough time. Take care of her AND yourself
Thank you everyone for the message, I feel you all have been more understand with what is going on with my mum than she has. Have been trying to think what she has done for me since my mum got ill in August and I can't think off one thing. I guess if am not friends with her anymore she will miss me more than I will miss her because I won't be there to take her places and to do stuff for her. I guess its my fault for thinking she would be more caring and understand.
Thank you all again.
Weight lost so far: 6 stone & 0lbs (38.1kgs) (84lbs)
(25th January 2014)