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Getting angry with others who complain about weight and do nothing.

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Old 10-25-2013, 09:45 PM   #1
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Default Getting angry with others who complain about weight and do nothing.

I feel really really bad about this since I've just started my journey but I have been getting so frustrated lately with people who see how hard I've been working, ask for advice then make excuses as why not to take it.

For example, I have a friend who says "I think I'm an alcoholic and I hate how big I am." So of course (I have problems with alcohol) I offer her my advice as I've been sober and dieting and feel amazing! I tell her how hard she has to work and how it's not going to be easy and of course she doesn't want to put in the hard work.

She just doesn't know how good it will feel Like it is hard but the feeling when you lose a pound or live a week without drinking is amazing and I just want to share this with everyone! But I have no time for those who want like a secret tip that makes it easy.

Do you all understand and have you faced this problem before?
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Old 10-25-2013, 10:22 PM   #2
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im sure others have wiser advice than me but I've talked to ALOT of people who say they want to lose weight, who may even go to the gym once or twice, but seem in awe that I can actually DO it consistently....and it drives me nuts while logically I KNOW they are just not at that point where they are willing to do what it takes, but in all reality, stop b*tching about it if you don't want to do anything about it grrrr
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Old 10-25-2013, 11:26 PM   #3
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I have people constantly ask me how I did it and they never like the answer. I've even had one friend tell me that diet and exercise doesn't work. Um..Okay.

If you don't mention a pill their brains immediately shut off.
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Old 10-25-2013, 11:31 PM   #4
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It's not worth the aggravation - just nod when others vent their frustration. No one really wants advice anyway, do they? Let your mind wander and think of something that brings you joy, not frustration
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Old 10-26-2013, 12:00 AM   #5
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I've been that person who asked, but did nothing. Even though I did nothing, I am very grateful that my friends who were successfully dieting did share their journey, even though they must have rolled their eyes at my inaction. It took me a good year to work up the courage to even try to diet. I was afraid to fail, which seems ridiculous now, I mean, you are guaranteed to fail if you don't try, but I was mentally not even in the right frame of mind to try. Even though I did nothing to help myself overtly, I definitely absorbed the advice people gave me. In a way, watching the success and hearing about the success from others started to slowly change my mindset a little bit at a time. So my mind and attitude were changing first, before I followed through with the actions that would set me on the path of better health. Perhaps you don't even realize it, but your unheeded advice may be planting a seed of change that won't come to fruition for a long time. I am surrounded at work by a handful of co-workers who are currently not winning the battle against obesity, while my relative success is in full view. They have all asked how I'm doing it, and I have the rather unenviable task of telling them it is discipline and hard work and keeping at it and merely eating healthier foods of smaller portions, etc. Very unexciting, and none of them so far has decided to take a similar path to health. However, I remain patient when they every so often return with more questions about how I'm doing this, and what my methods are. When that switch flips, and they seriously take the plunge, I am at the ready to help them in any way I can.
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Old 10-26-2013, 12:28 AM   #6
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You never know what internal demons keep a person on a self destructive path or how hard they are actually fighting mentally and physically to change (mentally and physically). You only see their lack of results and the lack of changes visible to you.


I was told something very similar to this many times by college and graduate psych professors, by supervisors when I was working in law enforcement and social services as a probation officer and as a counselor and case manager.

It's easy to feel sympathy and compassion for sweet and socially successful people. Not so easy to feel compassion for people who don't seem to get even the most basic of social skills, but eventually I got the hang of it, and in the process, learned more compassion for myself as well.

It's still frustrating when others (especially loved ones, family and friends) don't live up to my hopes for them, but I'm sure I disappoint them regularly too.

I don't let myself waste my time with that kind of frustration for others or myself. I try to just assume that we all are doing the best that we can for now, and leave it at that.

I know I had many, many years of trying much harder to change than others gave me credit for. I'd rather assume the best of others, because it's what I'd like to think others are doing for me.
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Old 10-26-2013, 07:25 AM   #7
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Ugh yes. Ever since I lost the weight I have been really bothered by this. Everyone where I work is blown away by the success that I have had ( I did a very low calorie diet) and they want to know what I did. So they can do it.

Ok I get that it isn't everyone's cup of tea (they can all afford it) but to reject it out of hand when they haven't done the slightest inquiry into it ... annoys me.

The excuses are laughable. One said that she can't eat shakes. That same one would not even try the shake to see if she would like it. One said she couldn't do it because she was going on vacation...um well of course, they would argue you have to learn how not to dive into the food on vacation. Finally one just blurted out "that isn't healthy" that made me mad. First, to my knowledge I haven't been admitted into the hospital yet... and second, so ignorant. The plan has actually been around 30 years and is invited into most medical institutions because it is a healthy successful plan.

I actually never say a peep unless they ask me first, but, I get extremely frustrated when they ask and seem to only want an easy way out.
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Old 10-26-2013, 08:00 AM   #8
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I just smile and nod. I'll be there if and when they are ready.

We were all that person once. I'm sure some of us never thought about our weight before we decided to lose it - but the majority of us probably got annoyed with being overweight at some time or another. Get mad at being overweight and go eat because we were mad. I'm sure it's a familiar story.

Just because some of us decided to take this journey sooner (or at all) doesn't make us any wiser than those who don't. I think this annoyance is common when we start weight loss though - I have been a maintainer for a very long time, so I tend to view things differently.
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Old 10-26-2013, 09:16 AM   #9
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Last year I was so frustrated with a friend who supposedly wanted the help but made every excuse in the book about why she "had to" eat out at fast food" and why she couldn't exercise. DH said "She's just not ready" and things like that.

But then my sister-in-law reframed it for me. She said "You know, Jen, everyone isn't like you! When you made your decision you just went for it 1000%. You started working out every single day and NEVER went off plan. Not everyone is as stubborn as you! If you get her to exercise 1 day a week or eat right 50% of the time, that's WAY better then doing nothing at all! And maybe some day she'll dive in all the way!"

So that's how I try to think of it now. People want a magic cure and there isn't one! I tell them what I did and if they make little changes, OR if I say something that they will implement 3 months, 1 year, 5 years down the road, I've done all I can do!

Jen
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Old 10-26-2013, 09:54 AM   #10
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I've posted about this before, actually. I haven't actually found ANYONE who really wants to know the answer. The answer isn't pretty or sexy or quick. They all want to know the "secret" like you said. There's no secret.

It's not my business if they're not ready yet. As someone who refused to do anything about her weight for probably too long, I have no room to judge. One day I was ready and I started working on it. Before that, nothing could have forced me to do it. And those other people are probably in that same place.

I'd be polite, try not to be frustrated (like others have said, you never know what they're dealing with, and honestly it doesn't much matter b/c it's their business), and give a short, to the point answer. If they really want to know more, they'll ask. I've found they never do.

My tried and true answer was, "I've been eating healthier and doing more exercise." The end.

But I try not to judge, because I don't want them judging me, and because I'm not qualified to look down on anyone for anything like that. Even when others criticize me (which I don't appreciate), I try to be polite and just say that it's been working well for me so far and I haven't had any problems.

I just try to be kind. If everything about weight loss was easy, all of us and everyone else would be thin by now.
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Old 10-26-2013, 01:37 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LiannaKole View Post
I've posted about this before, actually. I haven't actually found ANYONE who really wants to know the answer.
I have come to a similar conclusion myself. I always thought when I lost the weight I would help those who were like me and been searching for the answer. But the truth is, the people who are still left overweight, kind of want to be in that position (for whatever reason) or otherwise they would have lost the weight. So really there is no one left to help.

One of my co-workers is caught in this trapped thinking that eating healthy foods =s weight loss. The problem is that she cannot understand that healthy foods can be full of calories too. She has also gotten stuck in the idea that anything from a package will kill you... I feel like this warped all or nothing thinking is because she knows the truth about what she needs to do, cut back, but she gets to not do it and justify it to herself as healthy living. She ignores the evidence that says fat on you will make you less healthy in a zillion ways and just focuses on the health she puts into her mouth.

I feel like I wasn't like that... I truly did not know the way and I feel like I got a ton of bad advice. So I want to help those who are similar. It is finding them that is very hard.
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Old 10-27-2013, 08:35 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mickie22 View Post

For example, I have a friend who says "I think I'm an alcoholic and I hate how big I am." So of course (I have problems with alcohol) I offer her my advice as I've been sober and dieting and feel amazing! I tell her how hard she has to work and how it's not going to be easy and of course she doesn't want to put in the hard work.

She just doesn't know how good it will feel Like it is hard but the feeling when you lose a pound or live a week without drinking is amazing and I just want to share this with everyone! But I have no time for those who want like a secret tip that makes it easy.

Do you all understand and have you faced this problem before?
Hmmm, so you told her that she has to work really really hard and that it's not easy at all and you're amazed that she's not on board with your plan huh? Look, good for you and all that you're making these changes in your life. But when I hear someone tell me that it's realllly reallly hard all I really think is that they're puffing themselves up as martyrs. A real friend will encourage me that it's not as hard as I think, that's it's one step at a time and that we can do this together. Whenever someone tells me that it's really hard it just makes me think that they don't want me to try just so that they can come out on top. Sorry, but that's how I see it.

Why is it any of your business if someone does or doesn't take your advice? You think you know everything now and that everyone is obliged to follow suit? Everybody is living in their own world and makes the decisions that are right for them. Nobody is perfect and nobody is capable of change unless it comes from within themselves.

We complain about a lot on this board. We complain about skinny people who don't understand our struggles, we complain about people who don't value us for who we are, we complain about how society doesn't recognize our eating disorders. Are we seriously going to go down that route and judge people who aren't making the same effort we are? That's hypocritical if you ask me. Think about how many people were looking at you thinking "why doesn't she just eat less and lose weight??????" And now you're doing the same thing... to a friend.
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Old 10-27-2013, 09:24 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CherryPie99 View Post
Last year I was so frustrated with a friend who supposedly wanted the help but made every excuse in the book about why she "had to" eat out at fast food" and why she couldn't exercise. DH said "She's just not ready" and things like that.

But then my sister-in-law reframed it for me. She said "You know, Jen, everyone isn't like you! When you made your decision you just went for it 1000%. You started working out every single day and NEVER went off plan. Not everyone is as stubborn as you! If you get her to exercise 1 day a week or eat right 50% of the time, that's WAY better then doing nothing at all! And maybe some day she'll dive in all the way!"

So that's how I try to think of it now. People want a magic cure and there isn't one! I tell them what I did and if they make little changes, OR if I say something that they will implement 3 months, 1 year, 5 years down the road, I've done all I can do!

Jen
Jen,

You continue to inspire me!

Thank you!

Annik
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Old 10-27-2013, 09:56 AM   #14
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Yeah, I think most people have experienced this, whether it's about getting healthier or something else. I have a friend who used to insist that she wanted to lose weight more than anything, but absolutely refused to change a thing in her life to make that happen. I wasn't interested in weight loss at that point myself, but even I knew that you have to change SOMETHING to drop the pounds and I told her that. She wasn't ready to hear it, but you know what? She ended up making huge changes when she was ready. She had a baby and between breastfeeding, then having to keep up with an active toddler and wanting to establish good food choices in her house for her child, she lost a ton of weight.

The weight loss thing doesn't get my goat as much as some other choices I've seen loved ones make that break my heart. Refusing to get medical treatment, staying in a miserable marriage, etc. I think when you believe someone could be happier/healthier in life, it's hard to stand by helplessly and bear witness to their pain. Although, as Kaplods pointed out, I'm sure others have felt the same way about us at times. Human nature, I guess.
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Old 10-27-2013, 07:14 PM   #15
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This only bothers me when someone is full of excuses. And I feel this way about any area of life, not just weightloss. Sometimes people want to vent but like kaplods said, may be facing some inner demons that make it very hard for them to change right now. I can take someone saying "I hate being over weight, but I'm not in a place to make the changes I need to in order to lose the weight, but it still really bothers me"...versus someone saying "I can't lose weight, I barely eat and I'm still fat!" while they are eating a Big Mac...In other words, people that have set up road blocks so they never have to try (ie not my fault!) gets under my skin. Thos that own their behavoirs and just may not being willing to change them, I have no issue with them venting about their situation. Since I cant stop people from feeling a certain way, when I see a "not my fault" vent starting, I high tail it out of there.
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