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need an outsiders perspective--re: relationship/friendship

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Old 10-15-2013, 12:38 AM   #1
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Unhappy need an outsiders perspective--re: relationship/friendship

Without me giving the full blown back story, here's a small cliff notes.

Since July I've been "talking to" a guy who lives 3 hours away. We text daily and have both made the trip to see each other. Just hanging out, I guess they'd technically be dates. Anyways, this past weekend was supposed to be his next visit but Thursday he dropped a bomb on me that he and his ex had gotten back together amd consequently, he wasn't coming. I was furious because he had just invited me to come up for a Halloween party and I had agreed to come.

When he told me I didn't respond. The next day he asked me if I wasn't talking to him anymore and I responded as nicely as I could muster up and basically said "what do you want me to say?" To which he responded that he wanted me to say that we could still be good friends like we've been since meeting in May.

My first reaction is that I've been led on. I was furious Thursday. Mainly because of the timing but also because he had the nerve to invite me out there then tell me. I've only responded the one text as to not say something I'd later regret. After thinking about it over the weekend, I don't want to lose him as a friend. We share the same weird sarcastic humor and I enjoy talking to him but I feel like if I up and text him back, I'm somehow failing myself. Giving in and saying that it's okay to crap on me because I'll forgive you. My friends all seem to think that he wants to keep me around as a just in case things don't work out with his ex, which while possible, I'd really hate to think that that's what's going through his brain.

Ugh. I'm so annoyed by the whole situation.
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Old 10-15-2013, 02:14 AM   #2
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What an unexpected bombshell, no doubt you were shocked when he said he was getting back with his ex. It is possible he wants to keep you hanging on in case it doesn't work out with her. Do what you feel is right in your heart as regards keeping in contact with him, but I'd be wondering in the back of my mind if he's telling his ex he's still talking to you or if he's keeping it a secret from her as well. And I'd ask myself if a secretive guy is really worth having as a friend? Good luck with whatever you decide.
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Old 10-15-2013, 02:28 AM   #3
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There's an easy way to determine his intentions. Tell him you'd love to consider being friends, but only on the condition that you meet and get to talk with the current( former ex) to make sure she is ok with the friendship and that she's able to see your conversations online. Suggest meeting them both for lunch or hey maybe at that Halloween party (do not accept an email conversation as he could email pretending to be her).


My guess is that you'll never hear from him again (or he'll have a dozen excuses why you can't meet the former ex).

If he's legitimately interested in a platonic friendship, he should have no qualms about you meeting and socializing with his current, former ex, or even including her in any conversations.

It's also EXTREMELY likely that she's actually been an all-along and not a former ex at all. In which case he'll definitely not want you speaking to her.

If you have no interest in meeting and speaking with the woman, or if you wouldn't feel comfortable with her reading/hearing/being there for your conversations, take that as a sign that YOU probably aren't really interested in a platonic relationship with him.

The situation sounds pretty fishy, and personally I wouldn't even bother to test his motives. The likelihood of him being completely truthful are just too remote.
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Old 10-15-2013, 07:05 AM   #4
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As he lives 3 hours away, he could have led a double life if he wanted too....instead he chose to tell you that he is getting back with his ex. Chances are, with the distance, the friendship will now naturally fade. Be happy that he was honest with you. Distance yourself if you need to but you will probably naturally talk less anyway. He respected you enough to tell you rather than lead you on or just stop talking to you. Give him the benefit of the doubt even if right now it sucks for you.
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Old 10-15-2013, 07:45 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kaplods View Post
There's an easy way to determine his intentions. Tell him you'd love to consider being friends, but only on the condition that you meet and get to talk with the current( former ex) to make sure she is ok with the friendship and that she's able to see your conversations online. Suggest meeting them both for lunch or hey maybe at that Halloween party (do not accept an email conversation as he could email pretending to be her).

What?? No, let's not play games because you'll be the one who gets hurt.

I don't think you've been let on. When a relationship starts there is a period of testing the waters, making some effort is required and I think you both did that equally. By meeting you, hanging out with you and making plans with you does not mean that he was exclusive to you or that he did not have the right to seek out someone else simultaneously. If he got back together with his girlfriend then that's the way the cookie crumbles. That's your cue to exit.

But since he's trying to be "friends" or whatever puts you in a funny position where he has all the power and that's not a good place for you. It doesn't make him a jerk, it just gives him the upper hand. He'd be a jerk if he was inviting you to have a romantic relationship with him but he's not, he's calling it "friendship." Personally I'd run like the dickens.

Be mature and strong, do NOT let on that you are angry. That will give him a glowing satisfaction that he had you in the bag, even if he didn't want you. Ignore him. If he continues to contact you write back "I'm really happy that you and your ex are trying to make it work. I'm all stocked up on friends but thanks for asking. Take care and good luck." That's short and sweet and sends him the message that he probably did not want to hear which is - you lost your chance with me buddy and I'm totally ok with that lol.

At times of sadness or frustration we have only our dignity to carry us through. Make other friends.
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Old 10-15-2013, 08:59 AM   #6
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What?? No, let's not play games because you'll be the one who gets hurt.

I don't think you've been let on. When a relationship starts there is a period of testing the waters, making some effort is required and I think you both did that equally. By meeting you, hanging out with you and making plans with you does not mean that he was exclusive to you or that he did not have the right to seek out someone else simultaneously. If he got back together with his girlfriend then that's the way the cookie crumbles. That's your cue to exit.

But since he's trying to be "friends" or whatever puts you in a funny position where he has all the power and that's not a good place for you. It doesn't make him a jerk, it just gives him the upper hand. He'd be a jerk if he was inviting you to have a romantic relationship with him but he's not, he's calling it "friendship." Personally I'd run like the dickens.

Be mature and strong, do NOT let on that you are angry. That will give him a glowing satisfaction that he had you in the bag, even if he didn't want you. Ignore him. If he continues to contact you write back "I'm really happy that you and your ex are trying to make it work. I'm all stocked up on friends but thanks for asking. Take care and good luck." That's short and sweet and sends him the message that he probably did not want to hear which is - you lost your chance with me buddy and I'm totally ok with that lol.

At times of sadness or frustration we have only our dignity to carry us through. Make other friends.
I agree with this, especially the last sentence. Give yourself time to recover from this and then move on. Don't waste any more of your time and energy on this situation when you could be with better people. Trust me on this. I regret the time I wasted on getting over people that weren't worth it.
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Old 10-15-2013, 09:00 AM   #7
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Thanks guys. Your advice is the same the closest to me have given too.

I do believe he was single when we started talking. I don't see any way he wasn't but I know I wouldn't be happy if roles were reversed and I was the gf and he was talking to her on the side even as just friends.
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Old 10-15-2013, 09:58 AM   #8
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I have been the safe sister like friend who he spills his guts out with while he actually has a real relationship with some other girl (who was usually crazy but prettier than me-- so I got him as being shallow in reality, and obviously interested in only one thing). I gave up that kind of a relationship years ago. My reaction is that he is not burning bridges because he is keeping you as a "spare," (someone who will always take him back and pines for him, and will perhaps eventually provide him with some sex when his girlfriend is mad at him). That is manipulative, insincere, and the mark of a true jerk. By all means be his occasional friend, but look for a real man who loves you for being you and does not have old girlfriends hanging around.

By the way, the best way to meet men is to hang out with a good looking guy. Make sure he takes you to places where there are a lot of guys like a sports bar so you can meet other men.
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Old 10-15-2013, 11:38 AM   #9
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Whether he was single or not before you all starting hanging out, he's let you know that he's with someone else.
if you like him and continue to talk to him, it might make you feel worse, knowing that someone you care for is with someone else.
honestly, there are plenty of men out there, and this one sounds a little shady. why have the grief?

good luck!
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Old 10-15-2013, 12:10 PM   #10
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I've decided to not text him anymore and distance myself. Should be easy since we dont have mutual friends.
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Old 10-15-2013, 12:21 PM   #11
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My story is very, very similar to yours. Right down to finalizing plans with him to meet up very soon and the next day dropping the bombshell on me that he's met someone else but that we can still be friends.

I feel for you. I truly do. My advice is the same as everyone else's. Move on. Forget about him. And most likely he IS keeping you as a "back up plan" of sorts. You deserve so much better than that.

Let go now. Or you'll end up learning this harsh lesson after waiting around for him to make up his mind like an idiot for five years like I did.
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Old 10-15-2013, 01:50 PM   #12
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My suggestion to ask to meet and speak with the girlfriend was not about "playing games" it was about being upfront, honest, and respectful of the guy's girlfriend and their relationship.

My husband and I have several opposite gender (and homosexual) friends online and in-person, but we have absolutely NO secret friends or secret encounters with any friends.

If any friend of any gender, platonic or not, is reluctant to allow you to meet their partner, it doesn't make them a horrible person, but something is fishy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KellinaKatrina View Post
Thanks guys. Your advice is the same the closest to me have given too.

I do believe he was single when we started talking. I don't see any way he wasn't but I know I wouldn't be happy if roles were reversed and I was the gf and he was talking to her on the side even as just friends.
Your instincts are key here. If you wouldn't want a boyfriend talking to some other girl, it's important that you not be "that girl."

My husband and I are fine with each other having opposite sex friends online and in person, but we also have an "open book" policy on those relationships (and our email accounts). However, except for one of hubby's exes, none of our friends were ever anything but platonic. In the case of hubby's ex, she is a facebook friend only and they only talk "in the open" on their facebook pages and usually only in the context of a group of other friends.

This guy doesn't have to be a dishonest or horrible person for a platonic relationship to potentially be a bad idea. I still stand by my original advice - if you want to be platonic friends, the only decent thing to do is meet and talk with the girlfriend to make sure she approves and is always kept in the loop.

Because your association with this man started out with the romantic door open, being platonic friends with him and his girlfriend (which I think is the only respectable option) is likely to make everyone uncomfortable, but if you ALL are ok with it, it could work.
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Old 10-15-2013, 01:58 PM   #13
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Oh! My issue isn't with guys in relationships not having friends that are girls. Not at all! I just know the subject matter on which we talk and joke about and I wouldn't make those same comments and jokes knowing he's in a relationship.
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