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trying at love and life, sigh

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Old 09-30-2013, 03:55 PM   #1
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Red face trying at love and life, sigh

Hi,

I felt like writing this post, I'd like to get some feedback. I recently went on a date, a very casual one on Saturday night. I was excited and nervous to go and I hadn't seen this guy for over a year when I had only met him once at a coffee shop, we chatted a lot and I gave him my number. About a week after I initially met him (over a year ago), I bumped into him again, at a store and I mentioned that he never called. When we met up this Saturday night, he explained that he was shy and he seemed very kind, we had a lot of laughs and smiles. We exchanged numbers again, he hasn't returned either of my two calls, they went to voicemail. I feel a little let down and disheartened, this is the first time that I met with another guy for a date since my ex-b about six months ago. I don't think I will hear from him again but I did enjoy myself. It just seems a little upsetting, I don't think I did anything wrong.

On another topic, as my ankle surgery is approaching, it's on Wed. of this week, I feel a little more depressed, nervous and after this guy not calling me back, I feel a bit alone. I try to make friends but I am a bit shy or at least nervous about some things. I think some people would have described me as an extrovert earlier in my life but I feel closer to an introvert in some ways. I want to find more people to be friends with, I just get nervous about 'the getting to know you phase' - UGH. I have compared myself to others a lot of my life and I feel like I just don't 'measure up' in that category, although maybe that's not all that true.

It's just I feel like no matter how many times I have moved from town to state, etc., I can't find 'my place in this world.' I have been in this town for about 3-4 years, I feel ok here and I want to branch out to others more. Somehow, I say that but then when push comes to shove, I get scared. I feel frustrated that I have had so many medical issues, this surgery scares me but I will be glad to get it over with. I hope that through my recovering and other times in my life, I will make the effort to branch out to others more, maybe at a book club or something. I feel let down from this guy! There I said it! I wish he had called me back, it feels hurtful to not hear from someone.

Sigh, thanks for listening.
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Old 09-30-2013, 05:10 PM   #2
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My advice would be to relax and not stress too much about introductory dates. I don't believe in playing games but honestly if you had a date on Saturday, today is Monday and you called him twice so far? That seems a bit much, honestly I would've waited a few days and then if you hadn't heard by maybe Thursday then call him back, once. And then the ball is in his court.

Perhaps he is too shy to tell you that he isn't interested in dating, most people won't lay it on the line during a date. That doesn't mean there is something wrong with you, it just means that they may not be feeling it. And although it'd be nice, I don't think there is an obligation for him to call you back either.

I do agree that getting out there is your best bet, try to find activities you are interested in. Checkout meetup.com. Look into some educational classes that you might be interested in, look at your county/city recreation department and see if they have activities, etc.
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Old 10-01-2013, 08:50 AM   #3
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Making friends is hard to do, the older we get the harder it becomes. It's usually the friends we make in college that last as friendships, now in my late thirties I find it easy to connect with people, but difficult to make "unconditional" friendships. By unconditional I mean, I'm not willing to put up with a lot of BS from new friends. My old college BFFs aren't perfect people, but I love them no matter what, even if they upset me I get over it, we work through it and get past it and love each other even more so. But my new friends I'm not willing to put in that kind of work, once they start showing me their dark side I roll my eyes and keep a little distance. I don't know if that's the right thing to do but I don't have as much time on my hands now as I did back then, I have a family, a career, and a house to clean lol. I do think it's important to make new friends though, I like to meet people through work, and fun activities. I'm in a tai chi class now and meeting some nice people. You just have to put yourself out there and hope to meet new people.

As far as dating goes, I'm also a little surprised you've called this guy after a date, I would never call a guy after a date. Don't get me wrong, I'm totally progressive and not conservative, but when it comes to dating I go by The Rules, it's an actual book very worth reading. It basically lists the ways in which to play the game of courting if you're a woman with rules like don't ever make the first move and never call a guy, never accept a saturday night date unless he asks you before Wednesday, say no to dates a few times, set a timer and always hang up the phone first. A lot of my friends made fun of me for insisting on these rules but I don't know if they're laughing anymore, they're all still single.
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Old 10-01-2013, 09:22 AM   #4
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You met a guy, exchanged numbers, bumped in to him a week later, a YEAR passes with no word, you had one date with him, called him twice in the two days immediately after the date...and now you feel let down by him? What in your brief history together made you think this dude was someone to rely on? You all barely know each other, and he's proven to be unreliable at following through with even a phone call after getting your number (over a year ago the first time, apparently.).

Girl, you can't really place those types of expectations on people you've just met/barely know. Especially men. A brief meeting and one casual date doesn't make him beholden to ever calling you again. Ask yourself if you'd feel better or worse if he HAD called you and said "Hey, I didn't really enjoy myself and I don't care to have any more dates with you" vs just not calling you. For me personally, no call is better than a call to say "I'm so not in to you." It's sort of the easy way out for both, IMO.

I also wholeheartedly agree with WBS. I would never call a guy after a date. I'm all for progressive gender roles etc, but I expect a man to pursue me, not vice versa. (At least at first. Months in, in an established relationship, that would be different.) If he's unwilling to, he's not a man I'd want in my life. To me, if he's unwilling to pursue the courtship without me prodding him he's likely not going to turn out to be sort of man who'd make a worthy life partner.

"Times are changing" of course, but somethings just work IMO.

I think you should definitely pursue a local book club, or church group, or hobby group. That would be a great way to meet new people. But no matter what YOU have to put yourself out there. If you're going to keep getting scared and retreating, you will never have friends. It's not easy, but what is? Weightloss is hard, making friends is hard, life is hard. But things worth having are usually worth the work!

Don't dwell on this guy. Certainly don't call him again. Put yourself out there, and you'll eventually meet the right people
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Old 10-01-2013, 11:53 AM   #5
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Just to weigh in, I don't think you should look too deep into him not calling. On one hand, no, I don't think you did anything wrong by calling him. I believe that if you're interested, there's nothing wrong with letting them know (gently, not creepily or pushily ).

On the other hand, I think you may be putting some heavy expectations on the guy. You've only met him a couple of times, and yet you mentioned that with your ankle surgery approaching, you feel alone partly because this guy didn't call you back. Yet to him, he probably doesn't know how much it affects you, and may even think you're being a bit overbearing. Maybe he isn't interested, maybe he's busy, maybe he's shy, maybe he's not looking for a relationship right now... there are so many possible reasons for him not calling that it's pointless to speculate, so I don't think you should worry about it too much.

You've called him twice, I think it's enough. If he's interested in pursuing you, he will get in touch. If he doesn't, there's no reason you need to call again. Either way, it's his move. Don't think about it any more.

I agree with what the others have said about maybe joining a group or a club. I've found that my best friends aren't people that I actively tried to become friends with, but those that, by default, I would spend time with because of some shared interest. It doesn't sound like you need some guy to call you back right now, it just sounds like you could use some good friends and people to talk to.

Also, when you say that you don't feel like you 'measure up' in any category with regards to making friends, I can't believe that's true about anybody. We all have our strengths and weaknesses in personality, but there are always people who have similar interests and that you will gel with, you just have to be making the effort to look in the right places. If it makes you nervous, why not go for something that doesn't necessarily require you to be very talkative or active in the beginning? You mentioned a book club yourself, so why not go for that? You could sit quietly and listen the first few times, but I guarantee that if you're part of something that interests you, you will automatically want to be more involved.
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Old 10-01-2013, 12:55 PM   #6
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Hi-

Thank you to those who replied.

I guess, thinking back, I did get my hopes up a bit. I am also a bit more emotionally vulnerable right now because of some personal issues going on. I don't plan on calling him again. He seemed nice but there are quite a few areas in which I don't know if we are a good match.

I hope to get more involved in other activities, I am considering going to a book club, pottery class or something at church. Once I recover from surgery, I hope to get more involved in swimming again and pursue becoming a swim instructor. I don't want to settle for just any guy that comes along, but I do hope that I find someone with whom I feel a connection, a kinship.

Thank you for your replies.

Amy
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